Any advice on what to do when discovering family who stayed over without invitation.

[SparklySparkle29]

Hi all,

My DH and children went on holiday last week. We asked his parents to look after the animals whilst we were gone. Just a pop in and pop out job.

Both my parents and in-laws have a key to the home for when they look after the DC.

Recently, my DM let herself in whilst I was at work to leave some items for me for when I got home. This made me feel uncomfortable as we weren't in a good space relationship-wise. I told my MIL about it and we both agreed that it does feel a bit of a violation. My home is my safe space, I feel really uncomfortable when people pop by unannounced or enter it when I am not home. It feels like an invasion of my privacy.

When we returned, my husband phoned parents up to thank them for looking after the animals.
His parents then told him that they went to see friends in the area and mentioned that they decided to stay round ours and sleep on our sofa whilst we were away as they had both been drinking.
I'm so annoyed and I cannot shake that annoyance.

If they had asked, I probably would have said yes and left out the airbed and bedding.

Also to add, this was not a spur of the moment decision. They told their friends that they didn't ask us because they didn't want to put us out as they knew I would clean and prepare for them. Surely, that's not their decision to make, its mine.

Would you say something or let it slide? They are really nice people and have gone through some stuff lately, and the last thing I want is to upset them, but It's really upset me and made me feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't valued or respected.
Husband and I are going to be asking for the keys back from both parents, but trying to think of the best way to do it without upsetting them.

Thank you so much. I thought it was just me for a moment. I wouldn't have minded if they had asked and would have done a set up for them. I'm a really easy going person.

I have keys to family and friends homes, but I wouldn't dream of just letting myself in and having a sleepover without clearing it with the owner first, because I feel it would be rude. I have an aunt with a keysafe, and I always call her up and ask if before I go round if I can let myself in, because I feel its courteous to ask and I think she appreciates the heads up.

I like your suggestion for getting the key back. I will use that. I don't want it to be a big deal as they are lovely, but I do want to have a conversation to encourage them to ask rather than just do.
This has happened a few times where a decision has been made and I don't get to be a part of it, even though I should be.
One of them was that they tried to put my car on their insurance so they could borrow it but never actually asked me if they could. I only became aware because they asked my hubby for the details.

@SparklySparkle29 they just made a bit of a mistake. People do. We all do. I’m sure you do.

If generally speaking you have a good relationship with them, I’d really try to let this go with no more than a “I’d have preferred it if you’d let us know.”

Is it worth spoiling the relationship over? If you make a big thing out of this, the relationship will change.

Obviously if this the last of a long list of ways they’ve walked over you, then that’s different.

edited - sounds like they have a bit of history of this. I still say though have a think if a firm conversation will suffice. You know and they will know what the intention is behind getting the key back. In your last post you say they’re lovely people.

I am aware its not the same issue, it was mentioned because my MIL already knew how I felt about people entering my home when I'm not there. I put her in a position of trust, and rather than asking they just invited themselves over for a sleepover even though they had ample opportunity to ask before we were out of the country.

I think you’re massively over thinking and overreacting Op. Sorry.

Just change the locks, op. You seem to have handed out keys to everyone and their dog, yet feel violated when they actually use one to enter your home

Okay @SparklySparkle29 You’ve made your mind up. I just wonder why you posted for advice. Most people can see why you’re annoyed, but are just suggesting you don’t throw a hand grenade into what is a good relationship when a conversation might do the job.

I'm mostly with you.

Issue A is your dm - tricky relationship, she let herself in & left sweets when this wasn't appropriate, & you are pissed off with her. Fair enough.

Issue B is the in laws crashing on the sofa without asking - I'd also be annoyed. Especially as you had discussed dm over stepping & mil was aware how you felt. They should have asked.

How far away are ILs though, that they can just bob in to feed pets, but are far away enough from their own home to justify a night on your sofa rather than an uber home to bed after a night out?

Anyway - solution is a key safe. Round up everyone's random keys first. Then you can change the code after every time you need to give someone access.

I posted for advice because I genuinely wanted some help in how to handle the situation or what i could say to them without being confrontational. I'm fed up of putting on a smile and saying "that's ok" in fear of upsetting someone, when I feel like I'm being walked over.

In all honesty, I regret posting on here because, with the odd exception, the main consensus is to stop overreacting and just let it go. So that's what I'm going to do 🙂

Don’t ask for the keys back. Change the locks. It cost us under £30 to change the barrels for front and back door. I’d find it really weird if my parents or my in-laws stayed overnight without checking with me first. Surely that’s just manners/normal? I’d say that’s a pretty huge violation of trust.