To accept the end of my sexual life

[Wingfire]

Hi,

dh and I are both 43. The cut a long story short he’ll never have sex again. It’s a very complex situation and believe me, we’ve exhausted every option- counselling etc. he won’t have sex again and I accept that. Before I continue, please can I ask that people don’t suggest counselling etc- we’ve literally done everything possible. I won’t share his specific issues on here out of respect.

we have 2dc’s and despite our no- sex life, we still love each other very much. I’d hate to not be with him and in every other way our life is very good.

the problem is that I really miss sex. I’m not a nympho but I would like to have a regular shag!! My best friend thinks that I should get my sexual fulfilment elsewhere and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this.

WWYD?

I agree with your friend

Have you talked to him about if he’d be okay with that? I think it’s a reasonable ask and if he’s drastically changing the nature of your relationship but still wants to be with you then he really does owe it to you to consider.

You need a FWB.

Have you talked to him about the idea of an open marriage?

Wowzer. So he’s unilaterally decided to renegotiate the entire basis of a normal marriage. Who made him the boss?

No of course you shouldn't, why would you betray someone that you say you love? What if he found out, imagine how hurt he'd be.

It's not unreasonable to still want sex and if you do then you need to talk to him about the possibility of an open marriage. It's a bit of a dangerous game though so I would definitely have really strict boundaries. A FWB that you see every week or whatever could easily end up with feelings developing.

You don’t have to accept the end of your sex life if you are either willing to accept it’s the end of your marriage, or to begin an open marriage. Cheating would be the same as ending it anyway, so sex outside the relationship needs to be with his knowledge and consent.

ETA: just seen comments about FWB. That’s just playing with fire. Do not do this.

When you say ‘he’ll never have sex again’ what exactly do you mean? Not PIV? Or ‘…and he’ll never touch me or engage in oral sex or kiss me…’?

You don’t have to have a functioning penis or vagina to have sex surely?

Is he completely unwilling to do anything sexual or just actual sex? Not that it would replace sex but at least something with the person u love is better than nothing. If not then having it elsewhere would be the only option. Maybe he would understand and u could set some rules or boundaries e.g not the same person more than x times, he may want or not want to know when type thing. I think it would be harder than people think to just go and shag someone else when you love ur DH but once u did it once would definitely get easier.

⬆️

This is the big question.
Do you no sex life at all or just not any actual ‘sex’.
These 2 things are very different.

And I rather suspect it’s much more complicated than that and you’re not being very helpful.

More info needed..........

What have you discussed ?
Is it only PIV that he cant do ?
Would he be ok you "taking in a lover"

Answers to those questions will frame posters answers.

Op it's probably a good idea to clarify wether it's that he "cannot" or "will not"

Theres a bit difference and you want the right answers.

You don't need to divulge the why.

I think this really hinges on what "will never have sex again" means. Is he physically incapable of PIV sex? That sucks, but there are lots of other options - he still has hands, and a mouth, and is presumably capable of buying and using a vibrator or strap on. That isn't ideal, but it's totally workable.

But if you mean "he has decided that he won't have sexual contact of any kind again"... That is a big problem. You will go slowly nuts, and unless you are able to negotiate external sexual contact AND you have an unusually strong marriage, your marriage is probably over. You will cheat, or you will develop strong feelings for your sexual partner, and your marriage will go down in flames of pain and retribution.

Sorry you're in this position Op. Really, your options are: an open relationship, you break up, or you resign yourself to a sexless existence and risk resentment breeding.

He is absolutely entitled to decide he never wants to have sex again, but you need to decide if you are happy to be celibate at 43. If you aren't, then you don't have many options. It isn't an easy thing to address, but he cannot expect you to be celibate if you're hoping to still be sexual, so either it happens with someone else while you're in your marriage (but with the caveat he should be aware) or you conclude you aren't suited to be in a relationship anymore, despite loving each other very much. Cheating isn't the answer; the potential for hurt is too significant.

The trouble is though, on here you will get lots of women for whom the idea of never having sex again is actually quite positive. Or are in the reverse situation with their dhs.

I've learned to live with dh's reduced sex drive dur to age and medication(once a week), but if it stopped entirely, either the marriage would have to end or I would have to find somewhere else. I want sex. Not vibrators, not everything but, proper sex between two people. I can't help it. It's how I'm wired.

I wouldn't do anything in secret but I think I would have to discuss open marriage.

Why with his consent?
Why should a woman give up sex because her husband can’t or won’t have sex again?
I lost interest in sex and told DP he could find a lover but I didn’t want to know anything about it. Worked fine. But after 10 years things resumed. Sex drives can return however it is cruel to deny your partner something that is essential to them.

For me it would depend on the why. Is it a choice he's making or has the choice been made for him. Does him having sex put you or him at risk?
Also as others have said is it any sexual.contact or just PIV

That was with your consent though. You told him it was OK, and established your boundaries (that you didn’t want to know when it happened). He didn’t cheat. Cheating would be him going elsewhere without your consent.

Consent doesn’t mean he has to know every time.

Well I couldn't accept that myself and would hope my DH would accept me having discreet sexual relationships occasionally on the side. My DH and I are both quite open with each other about this and have agreed we wouldn't expect the other to be celibate if we couldn't/wouldn't have sex any longer. Non monogamous relationships are unconventional but can be very successful if done thoughtfully.

How quickly so many see no problem with you having sex with someone else in this situation. Lets all be honest here, if it was a man, and his wife could not/would not have sex ever again people would not be telling him to have someone on the side.

There are illnesses and disabilities that make PiV sex impossible.

If my DH had a shocking accident that made sex impossible and took away his ability to enjoy sex I doubt I would cite my ‘rights’ to sexual fulfilment.

If you get physical contact with him, hugs cuddles, closeness, does DIY not satisfy your sexual appetite?

If you love him and value your relationship you define shouldn’t do anything behind his back. Unless he indicates that that would be ok. Like Clifford Chatterley.

And that didn’t end well for the Chatterley marriage.

Yeah I would