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Original poster

To accept the end of my sexual life

53 replies

Wingfire · 30/08/2024 18:03

Hi,

dh and I are both 43. The cut a long story short he’ll never have sex again. It’s a very complex situation and believe me, we’ve exhausted every option- counselling etc. he won’t have sex again and I accept that. Before I continue, please can I ask that people don’t suggest counselling etc- we’ve literally done everything possible. I won’t share his specific issues on here out of respect.

we have 2dc’s and despite our no- sex life, we still love each other very much. I’d hate to not be with him and in every other way our life is very good.

the problem is that I really miss sex. I’m not a nympho but I would like to have a regular shag!! My best friend thinks that I should get my sexual fulfilment elsewhere and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about this.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Suzuran · 30/08/2024 18:49

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 30/08/2024 18:43

How quickly so many see no problem with you having sex with someone else in this situation. Lets all be honest here, if it was a man, and his wife could not/would not have sex ever again people would not be telling him to have someone on the side.

Edited

Sigh. This old chestnut.

IIWAM, is this a running abbreviation yet? The amount of times I see this…

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2024 18:52

If you've had therapy surely you covered that ?

The fact you're unhappy about it and want an alternative? Why wouldn't that be covered ?

Borninabarn32 · 30/08/2024 18:53

Talk to him about being able to get sex elsewhere. I wouldn't be comfortable with my DP having a regular sexual partner but fabswingers is good for meeting decent people, you can restrict by age and verifications so you're not inundated with messages from arseholes.

TinkerTiger · 30/08/2024 18:54

Ourdearoldqueen · 30/08/2024 18:08

Wowzer. So he’s unilaterally decided to renegotiate the entire basis of a normal marriage. Who made him the boss?

I'll wait for OP to clarify, but I assume there must be an underlying medical issue, or his penis fell off.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2024 18:54

I don't want to pry but I'm wondering if there's ways you can both be intimate that don't involve piv sex, eg using toys etc... would that be something he is open to or is all sexual intimacy a no go?

I think you need to consider your needs in this. Personally I think I'd struggle going elsewhere but some people do have that agreement in their marriage. It would need to be discussed delicately is the only thing - was this ever talked about in your counselling sessions or how do you imagine he would feel about that? Do you feel that using a toy yourself would be enough to satisfy your own needs if he's committed to maintaining the other intimacy in your life (physical touch, kissing, hugging etc).

It's difficult op and I imagine this is extremely difficult for both of you. I think it's great you're being so supportive of his needs and feelings and concerns but yours are also valid and deserve to be heard. What has he said when you've talked about feeling this way?

C1N1C · 30/08/2024 18:55

Hey lads, check this out! MN has approved us having side chicks if our partner doesn't want sex!

Seriously though, as someone above said, we need more context. Is this can't or won't?

Attheendoftheday86 · 30/08/2024 18:57

I disagree with your friend. I don't think the answer is to cheat on your husband, that would cause a whole load of new issues.
There are SO many different sex toys out there now. Is sex in any form a no go - oral, him using toys on you etc.
Some of the vibrators on the market are amazing and simulate sex (maybe even better)

Runmybathforme · 30/08/2024 18:57

It depends on the reason he can’t/won’t have sex. My DH and I stopped having sex due to the side effects of his treatment for prostate cancer. I was in my thirties, and there were times I thought I’d go mad, but, we loved each other and I couldn’t have betrayed him. He died and I was so glad I hadn’t looked elsewhere as it would have broken him.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2024 18:59

C1N1C · 30/08/2024 18:55

Hey lads, check this out! MN has approved us having side chicks if our partner doesn't want sex!

Seriously though, as someone above said, we need more context. Is this can't or won't?

@C1N1C MN hasn't approved anything they've suggested she ask her husband to approve it. It's between them to decide. Noone I've seen so far has recommended cheating or having a secret affair. Neither has ops friend.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/08/2024 19:02

Ask your husband if he would be okay with you meeting your need for sex outside of your marriage.

If the answer is yes, there you go.

If the answer is no, then no.

Opening a marriage up in this way works for some and not for others, it’s a conversation you need to have with him.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 30/08/2024 19:04

Hi @Wingfire I am in a similar situation and have PM'd you. It is tough being our age and facing this.

GeorgeTheFirst · 30/08/2024 19:05

Get a vibrator
Consider whether he will engage in sexual play with you
PIV is not the be-all and end-all

BeckiWithAnI · 30/08/2024 20:09

GreekDogRescue · 30/08/2024 18:27

Why with his consent?
Why should a woman give up sex because her husband can’t or won’t have sex again?
I lost interest in sex and told DP he could find a lover but I didn’t want to know anything about it. Worked fine. But after 10 years things resumed. Sex drives can return however it is cruel to deny your partner something that is essential to them.

Show quote history

Well if you told him he could have other partners you DID consent…. So I’m not sure what your point is.
YOU decided the risk of him catching something and passing it on to you when sex did resume was a risk you were happy to take, but if you didn’t know he’d slept with other people and wouldn’t have been happy with that risk then you’d have been betrayed.
OP’s husband has a right to know if OP is going to have sex with other people so he can decide, like you did, whether he was okay with that or whether he wants to call it quits. The same way might I add that if OP feels the marriage isn’t meeting her needs she has the right to leave.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 30/08/2024 20:14

Sex doesn't have to be PiV... is he willing to be intimate in other ways?

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2024 20:23

I think as others said - is it he can't or won't

Is it no sex or no touching /kissing /oral etx so no nothing at all

Flandango · 30/08/2024 20:33

Has his tongue stopped working?

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/08/2024 20:40

When you say he won't have sex again I focused on "won't". You didn't say "can't". I agree with your friend.

Ratherbeaspoonthanafork · 30/08/2024 20:46

How old are you and him? Has he been tested for erectile dysfunction if the issue could in anyway be physical? There are treatments available. If he is over 45 if he has these difficulties then I would insist the doctor does a PSA test (to rule out prostrate or other cancers) if he hasn’t had already had a test.

If you have tried both of the above already you have a couple of choices. A) stay with him and as your friend says go elsewhere with or without his consent, B) leave him, C) if you love him stay and either pleasure yourself or get him to pleasure you without intercourse. D) accept no more sex (your sex drive may decline a lot if you aren’t yet awhile post meno pause).

Trebol · 30/08/2024 22:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

AchillesHeel23 · 30/08/2024 23:01

We need more context here but place marking as I'm invested

PermanentTemporary · 31/08/2024 06:54

Very painful for you both.

I would say the one thing you do have is clarity (we may not have all the facts on here but that's fine). That allows you to make decisions in full understanding of what's going on. You don't have to do it in a rush though. Take your time. And I know you've had lots of counselling but I hope that includes counselling for you, solo.

Relationships can look any way the people in them want them to look. I would say that involving someone else for sex is a major, major step and not to be taken lightly. It's also something that happens a lot. This person (or people) is also a human being and there is a lot of potential for mistreatment and pain in all directions. There is also the potential for happiness.

stayathomer · 31/08/2024 07:02

Roles reversed if there was an issue with me and dh even thought of having sex with someone else then we’re done. I’d be surprised if most people didn’t feel the same deep down

Alfiemoon1 · 31/08/2024 08:29

I know you don't want to go into details but i think more context is needed
Is it just piv sex that's off the cards because he won't do it or physically can't anymore
Will there still be intimacy in other ways between you

TreesWelliesKnees · 31/08/2024 08:43

Runmybathforme · 30/08/2024 18:57

It depends on the reason he can’t/won’t have sex. My DH and I stopped having sex due to the side effects of his treatment for prostate cancer. I was in my thirties, and there were times I thought I’d go mad, but, we loved each other and I couldn’t have betrayed him. He died and I was so glad I hadn’t looked elsewhere as it would have broken him.

💐

Pigeonqueen · 31/08/2024 13:29

Flandango · 30/08/2024 20:33

Has his tongue stopped working?

I think this is a really vile comment.

We don’t know the context of the situation. If ill health or disability is involved it often kills off someone’s libido and interest in sex (any sort of sexual intimacy) as well as their ability to physically do it. (I’m often in that situation now). It’s not easy for either person in the relationship but it’s not as simple as some of the suggestions people are making.

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