Daughter dropping all hobbies.

[FriendlyRobin]

My daughter is turning 13 soon and has announced she wants to drop scouts (her interest in this did wane last term) and her sport. This was twice a week and although she was regional level she's plateued and isn't improving so again over summer she's been reluctant to go.

But she will go from a girl who wanted to do everything in primary to someone who doesn't do any activities (dropped her instrument 6 months ago.)

Is this normal for some girls as part of becoming a teen? It does seem that kids either become super competitive at their sports or drop out at this stage. But I'm a bit sad about scouts. But again she's done it for 3 years now.

I don't want her to end up just watching TV every night (or is that also normal?!)

I think too my daughter was doing harder and harder skills and didn't want to keep pushing. She isn't driven that way but I expect will find a sport for enjoyment rather than for competition.

Ive loved her creativity over the weekend and will see where it goes. Not everything has to be performed to a high standard/lead to exams etc which is soemthing I need to tell myself!!

The parents seem oblivious to the massive problem they’ve created because of some personal rule about children having to do a sport. Thank you for not doing that.

I agree they shouldn't be forced to do a particular sport and allowed to leave.

However, there's a real problem with teenage girls particularly dropping all physical activity at this age (many articles with stats the last few years). It's not a 'personal rule' to ask what physical activity they want to replace it with, for no reason, but for health. A physical activity could be anything from running, gym time, climbing, dance. Anything they want.

@brylny Thats fine (and I would also encourage, though not enforce, some physical activity). It’s when it’s having a massive negative impact on the team and the coach that I think it’s crappy of the parents to keep forcing their DC to come - it’s an kind, inclusive team so no one gets refused playing time even if they rarely turn up and clearly don’t want to be there.

@FriendlyRobin well done to you - I think it's good to support them in this. The only thing I did at the time with mine was making sure they were active in more generic ways - walking to school, cycling with us to church etc. That way when DD1 did want to restart/try new stuff she was fit enough.

DofE also helped her to find new skills and sports later on, because you kind of have to, so that's something to bear in mind.

Great re your DD1, I have one of 15 who loves her music - but she knows plenty who haven't chosen their instruments or pathways. If it's all about the parents the child won't be happy playing. Knowing that she could give up whenever she chose was so important for my DD2- the fact that music is a self-chosen hobby/possible career is the cornerstone of her identity nowadays I reckon!

Thanks @minisnowballs . You've really helped me on the music thread when I pop in (different name) and I've really appreciated your wisdom there 😍. It made such a difference to her that she'd chosen music and orchestras are her main social circle and love now.

I guess because the eldest does a lot I was scared with youngest "giving up" as with this sport it would be hard to leap back in but I'm sure she'll find new things.

I definitely wouldn't want to put the pressure of "must find new thing before first thing has stopped" as choosing to stop has been one thing and then some breathing space to freely choose the next thing.

Thanks everyone.

my local art gallery has a group for teenagers on the weekends, is there anything like that near you.
I tried to get DD to go to ours but she’s in the upper end age wise and doesn’t want to be with younger ones.

My 13yo has just finished Scouts. I managed to limp him through the summer term as he's a bit happier when they're outdoors, but it just wasn't worth the last term before 14. It's not the most organised pack and they've rarely managed the logistics of awarding badges which to DS1 was the purpose.
Sometimes you have to be realistic about whose interests you're serving.

He's happy with Karate and is bribable on swimming lessons. Also does junior parkrun. He's autistic so zero desire to fill time with casual socialising.

At 11, DS2 is also re-jigging his schedule. He's got more than enough on, so I'm fine with that.

It is difficult to find casual participation avtivities for this age range. They often need something that's not serious and committed, but is routine and targeted at their age group.
They're often prohibited from adult activities anyway.

13 for scouts is an odd age both my boys wanted to drop scouts, but their scout leader the youngest scouts have just turned 10 so the activities have to be suitable enough to enable them to join in - by 14 when they hit explorers they gain the love for it again, because it's more grown up, they choose the activities etc and get treated more like adults on camps.

My daughter was exactly the same at 13. But after 6 months off dance (that she’d been attending since the age of 2!) she decided she missed it and wanted to return albeit on a lesser scale than what she had done previously. Your daughter likely associates her prior activities to her childhood and as she grows into a young woman she will probably find different things she wants to pursue.

I agree. So many sports are focused on making the team, completions, exams and shows.

Where are the ones purely done for fun and no pressure?

@reluctantbrit the reason gyms are popular with many teens is because it's just about the exercise and not teams and matches etc.

I’d be concerned about some bullying in the background, insecurities, or even a bit of depression with all the teenage hormones kicking in.

not ‘normal’ as someone that works with that age group.

really try to drill down and talk to her. It’s one thing if she wants and is excited for more time for baking and experimenting, it’s another if she’s just dropping everything.

have her keep one thing. Or try one other thing. Maybe it’s frustrating to plateau, but we aren’t all bound for the Olympics, it’s fun and healthy to play recreational intramurals or something in undergrad or as an adult.

My dc continued their hobbies all through their teens. Common drop out ages were once they started secondary and 15/16.

My daughter gave up all of her hobbies: musical theatre, cello,Gymnastics, horse riding when she was 13. Giving up the pony was heart breaking for me but she (our pony) went to a lovely family.
She's now 25 and has a great job, a lovely car, is buying a flat with decent deposit, next year, .........and wants to buy a horse. I hope she does!
My son, 19 played football, violin, gymnastics (acro), cricket and tennis. Until 13.
Neither went back to instruments.
My son now plays football and athletics. He did a trade apprenticeship and now earns well.
My sister played clarinet. I played flute. She was much better than me.
We both gave them up by 14.
I rode my pony to show jumping competition level, my sister continued with clarinet to national orchestra level .
My kids 25 and 19 have very full lives despite giving up their hobbies around age 13/14.

Normal. New hobbies will come along, let her explore the random passing interests.

It is really good to have some interest to escape into, if she isn’t massively sociable and doesn’t have a boyfriend yet.

Thankyou @stevienicksismyfairygodmother that's really helpful. Funny it seems to be around 13 isn't it. And great to hear they're all doing so well!

Thankyou @SpringKitten yes I've realised now it's great for her to have that breathing space to develop other things. She's loving pottering and making beads/pictures/sushi the last few days so I see she does usually find something to do it just isn't me organised.

@NoThanksymm Apt name! But No. Thankfully if you read the thread this is a really common age to want to give structured activities up which is reassuring me. (Even her coach replied as such).

We've got a close relationship so no bullying although other things can be tricky they're not activity related. And no I'm not making her keep a token thing for the sake of it! It's one thing working with kids (I used to be a secondary teacher in the dim distant past) but that doesn't mean you should walk into a thread and tell someone categorically they're wrong and dismiss all the others that have shared their experiences that chime with mine.

As others have said, this is fairly common. It's often part of the moving from being family orientated to peer oriented process. I think for those good at sport, it can also be part of the realisation that you're good but do you actually have the interest and determination and skills to be properly good. Having done anything at regional level, she is likely to be fit, strong and have transferable skills, all of which will be handy when she does chose another sport.
In the meantime, support her in possibly considering new options whilst also exploring if someone or something made her uncomfortable in any way at the activities she is giving up

Thankyou. Yes this is what I'm thinking now.

She really loves the friends at Sport. That's why she hadn't left before I think, but she just doesn't want to do It and paying a fortune and driving across the country several times a week when it's just to hang out with the friends actually wasn't quite the right balance either.

Scouts she's not overly keen on one of the few other girls there. She's not exactly a bully just very self centred and not the nicest. It's not the issue though she just doesn't jell with them and lots of 10/11, year old boys. I think 10-14 is actually a difficult age range and she'd have been happy to "move up". If she'd had her friends at scouts I expect she'd have stayed!

@FriendlyRobin maybe she'd enjoy Guides instead ?

She loved brownies but sadly the guides in our area was awful (eldest went) hence them both moving to scouts. Eldest still does explorers. I vaguely remember when I first looked there were far more cubs/brownies than scouts/guides and only 1 explorers at least locally so maybe they do naturally shed members a bit at this age too.

I'm sure she'll find her own things or non organised things - this thread has really helped me see it isn't just about the organised activities too.

I think it is usual for any teen to change their likes and dislikes when it comes to hobbies. My Daughter also does Scouts and her interest is waning. She enjoys the walks and adventure training but dislikes the admin and prep type days. She also feels like sometimes it’s a little babyish. So I asked her if she would like to try Cadets. Similar activities but more grown up as the age range is higher. She would like to try it and see. Have you tried sitting down with her and seeing where she is with trying something? I would try and see if there is anything she would like to try or that her friends are doing that she would like to try.
Fitness classes, St John’s Ambulance, Football training, Cadets, dance classes, acting, musical theatre, Lifeguard training etc. There’s so many things that she may not know is her passion yet. X

I can see this happening sports wise to my DD. She's just not very good at it and it's all getting very competitive. I'm thinking of insisting she picks an exercise whether it is gym, teen fitness, Pilates, dance, running - anything at all really.

I think the other interests can come and go but it's too easy to lose strength and fitness if you don't do proper exercise.

I agree it's good that gyms do admit teens but for DD it would only work if ours also allow classes like yoga, pilates etc. Everything is adult only or pre-teens (up to 11) unless you want to just use the machines and pool.
I wonder if it is an insurance issue for the trainers/instructors.

Luckily for us/her, she has to walk 30 minutes+ to school each day, one way.

I also started to recognise her interest in history as a hobby, she attends lectures (online and in-person), does research, reads extensively, follows historians on SM. She now works on a history A-level and looks into studying history at uni with the view of working in the field. It helped her winning one of two spots for a special project her school supports.

That sounds fab Reluctant!

I think my daughter will find her own things. @MrsCx666x yes we've talked about lots of things - over the years both girls were keen joiners over primary and did tons of activities each. I'm not really in a hurry that she fills the time now and will just use the space to recoup I think and see what she is interested in. I suspect for her she'd rather not do organised activities but follow interests a bit like reluctant kids above.

Does her school offer Duke of Edinburgh awards? This has been great for keeping my kids engaged in activities. They have to do something physical, a skill (can be anything such as baking, music, photography and can be in their own time, not formal) and volunteering as well as the expedition. Might be worth looking into.