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Original poster

Daughter dropping all hobbies.

103 replies

FriendlyRobin · 27/08/2024 21:17

My daughter is turning 13 soon and has announced she wants to drop scouts (her interest in this did wane last term) and her sport. This was twice a week and although she was regional level she's plateued and isn't improving so again over summer she's been reluctant to go.

But she will go from a girl who wanted to do everything in primary to someone who doesn't do any activities (dropped her instrument 6 months ago.)

Is this normal for some girls as part of becoming a teen? It does seem that kids either become super competitive at their sports or drop out at this stage. But I'm a bit sad about scouts. But again she's done it for 3 years now.

I don't want her to end up just watching TV every night (or is that also normal?!)

OP posts:
Ihadenough22 · 28/08/2024 12:26

I think that it's important to encourage her to have some activity beyond school, hanging around with friends or being on the mobile phone always. If she can do swimming, yoga, a keep fit class ect once a week it would be good for her. Encourage her to stay active as it will help her feel and look better if she has given up a sport.
I think at this age they want to hang around friends and be like them. For some kids sports or extra circular activities are just not cool and vaping is.

I know a young lad who was good at football. He decided to give up playing for a high level team but to still play for the school team. He had done his GCSEs and wanted to go to university. He needed the time for study and is now doing the university course he wanted.
The workload as they come to exams is high and if you have an academic child who wants to go to university they have to put in the work to get good grades.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 28/08/2024 12:26

I did let my DC drop activities as they got older and lost interest.

However, my rule is one activity once a week. You want to drop it, replace it with something else. There is also a minimum of 12 months at said activity to avoid stop starting.

I think teenagers need to be in control to a cretin extent. Make decisions and living with them- good or bad.

redskydarknight · 28/08/2024 12:33

DancefloorAcrobatics · 28/08/2024 12:26

I did let my DC drop activities as they got older and lost interest.

However, my rule is one activity once a week. You want to drop it, replace it with something else. There is also a minimum of 12 months at said activity to avoid stop starting.

I think teenagers need to be in control to a cretin extent. Make decisions and living with them- good or bad.

So you insist the DC have to do an activity, but then don't let them drop it for a whole year even if they decide they don't like it.

That's not really letting them be in control, is it?

Bristolnewcomer · 28/08/2024 12:34

I think having a stipulation that she has to find something else to replace these activities - as a PP said at least one weekly activity - might help her focus. She’s probably just at peak hormonal urgh stage where she’s a bit knackered and just wants to loll around all the time, best not to get her started on this if possible. How are her friendships? Maybe she and a friend could start something new together? Would she enjoy more creative activities like drama or choir?

DancefloorAcrobatics · 28/08/2024 13:32

redskydarknight · 28/08/2024 12:33

So you insist the DC have to do an activity, but then don't let them drop it for a whole year even if they decide they don't like it.

That's not really letting them be in control, is it?

Show quote history

Most activities have tryout sessions, so they do that first.
So yeh, if DC commits (and I have to buy gear for it) I can expect a minimum of 12 months of doing said activity.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2024 15:28

Sadly normal for girls as they get self conscious

I would encourage her to agree to do some form of exercise still

mm81736 · 28/08/2024 17:27

As a sports club owner, please tell the sport ASAP

SpanielsSunflowersSand · 01/09/2024 16:36

I think it’s entirely normal for teenagers. More so girls than boys from my experience.

I dropped all my hobbies around the same age and have only started a new hobby at 27 when I got a working breed dog! I am almost 30 and not one of my friends has a hobby. My husband on the other hand has many hobbies, always has and so have his friends.

It doesn’t help when you live rurally but did have me questioning why this might be given there is a clear difference between the women and men I know when it comes to hobbies!

Noodles1234 · 01/09/2024 18:32

Having the same thing with mine who is about the same age. Mine were not at any great level, more I wanted it for them to see their friends and get confidence from it. However, I also remember being tired from all the school work at this age.

after a little time I will introduce new things as a family to do, part of me is relieved at the end of the conveyer belt of feeding and driving about and can indulge in new things.

sad, but looking at it as a new chapter.

FinneganFois · 01/09/2024 19:03

OP, how is your daughter's mood? Giving up something they were previously enthusiastic about can be an indicator of depression, my DS gave up music and athletics when he was a teenager and became withdrawn.

Original poster
FriendlyRobin · 01/09/2024 19:12

Thanks no not depressed (ironically the eldest who does lots has mh issues) although I've wondered about neurodiversity.

Like pp she says she's tired a lot and perhaps secondary has a lot more going on. I was a bit worried she might need the exercise to deal with being tired. But maybe she's genuinely tired/growing pains.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 01/09/2024 19:18

Dsd tried to do this but I insisted she keep 1 sport and 1 hobby (out of art/music) a week. At 13 they can become really lazy otherwise.

reluctantbrit · 01/09/2024 19:24

I agree, it's fairly normal but we tried to get DD to stay with some things.

She was and is an enthusiastic Explorer Scout now but I saw several of her friends dropping it around 13-15.

She did some dance, musical theatre, singing but in the end found her home doing theatre only. Again, we saw the group sizes getting smaller and smaller.

Original poster
FriendlyRobin · 01/09/2024 19:29

Big sister is an explorer scout but their unit is basically a glorified place for youth to hang out! Child concerned doesn't fancy it at all and has a year of scouts to go.

Really helpful to know it's not uncommon. I've messaged the club leader now and she isn't going to go back for the months notice.

OP posts:
paddlinglikecrazy · 01/09/2024 21:02

My DS is the same age & droppped his sport recently. He’s been offered places on other teams but just doesn’t want to. He does a 1-1 training session for the sport and he’s said he’ll carry on with the training weekly but doesn’t want to carry on in a team, his friend has recently dropped the sport too. I feel a bit sad about it but can’t force him.

leccybill · 02/09/2024 00:06

Don't forget, finding a passion in skincare, hairstyling, make up, nails, editing Tiktoks are all valid hobbies at this age!
Also reading - books or Reddit, fanfic, facts, it all counts.
My DD 14 does musical theatre and choir but she also walks 30 mins each way to school so that's exercise.

minisnowballs · 02/09/2024 07:13

Aww,
It is really normal -
but I also understand concern. My dh works
for one of the big youth orgs mentioned on here- both my dds gave up around this age despite it having been non-negotiable earlier. They also gave up lots of sport
etc.
but slowly it has been replaced with more sustainable things that they can keep doing as they get older. My foster daughter does a lot of climbing- which can be as social or non-social as you like, while dd1 switched to aerial dance, which has the advantage of being showy and fun. She also talks about joining an adult ballet class (now17)- so it does come back. She dropped her instrument and sat music school.
lots of new hobbies out there but there was a gap at puberty.
i guess just keep showing her there are other options and one day she might want to try them- holiday taster courses are good.

BananaGrapeMelon · 02/09/2024 07:23

The main thing IMO is for teens not to sit around on their phones all day. So I would make it clear to her that she can drop her activities if she likes but that doesn't mean unlimited screen time. Up to her how to fill the gap.

Ionacat · 02/09/2024 07:28

DD made noises about dropping activities a year ago and we said well have a think about what you’d like to do to replace dance and she decided to stick with it. Now dancing more than ever…… We’ve said you need to do more than just sit and scroll on your phone and we don’t mind what but you pick something whether that’s just going to the gym or the multitude of sports on offer. We’ve had open conversations about mental health and about scrolling on your phone for hours on end is not healthy.

Original poster
FriendlyRobin · 02/09/2024 07:33

minisnowballs · 02/09/2024 07:13

Aww,
It is really normal -
but I also understand concern. My dh works
for one of the big youth orgs mentioned on here- both my dds gave up around this age despite it having been non-negotiable earlier. They also gave up lots of sport
etc.
but slowly it has been replaced with more sustainable things that they can keep doing as they get older. My foster daughter does a lot of climbing- which can be as social or non-social as you like, while dd1 switched to aerial dance, which has the advantage of being showy and fun. She also talks about joining an adult ballet class (now17)- so it does come back. She dropped her instrument and sat music school.
lots of new hobbies out there but there was a gap at puberty.
i guess just keep showing her there are other options and one day she might want to try them- holiday taster courses are good.

Thanks this is really lovely to hear 😊.

Now we've done it I'm really glad we respected her choice and didn't manipulate her into attending. It's hard becoming a teen isn't it but I'd hate it as an adult if forced into an activity I didn't want to do and teens are becoming adults and need to make their own decisions. It gives her a feeling of autonomy and being listened to and all that too doesn't it.

I am sure she will do other things. She's always got something on. Yesterday she decided she wanted to make sushi (not something we usually make) and got the rice/seaweed wraps/salmon/cucumber etc and made it beautifully.

She also designed and painted her own birthday invitations. She's not going to be a budding artist but she does it for the joy of it which is soemthing I think is sometimes lost in sport and activities once the become teens and. A lot of it is competitive (even art/cookery gcse is competitive to get a good grade).

I've really appreciated this thread and everyone's experiences - to know it's normal and to get me through the mental hump in my brain about giving it up! She's becoming her own person 😊.

On a separate not my eldest gave up her instrument in year 6 as she didn't want to do the practice/didn't see the point. She happened to come back to it at secondary with a new love and has done incredibly well-and she wouldn't have done so well if forced I don't think as it became a freely chosen love. She often talks of those at Saturday group who didn't want to be there.

I should have learnt from this! But felt nervous giving up a sport I guess.

Anywya long winded way of saying THANKYOU.

Parenting is difficult isn't it and I second guess all the decisions I make. I'm grateful for mumsnet to help think it through at times.

OP posts:
brylny · 02/09/2024 07:46

My older teen tried to give up ballet around 14. I think the very early Saturday mornings didn't help. However, I asked her to give it a bit more time and then she could leave if she wished, but I also said it would be better if she could replace it with another physical activity, obviously of her choice, as she's always been quite active. She used to only have one day a week free when she was around 10, with her various activities. So she had been allowed to change and drop things.

Anyway. She went on to do two more ballet exams, pointe (she was relatively late en pointe at 14) and has now stated she'll never drop ballet.

I still dance also and I've come across so many people, at ballet retreats and the like, who gave up ballet at around that age and regretted it.

HaveYouSeenRain · 02/09/2024 07:48

i would encourage her to at least keep one sporty hobby up. Maybe get her to try something new? I dropped everything at 13 and bitterly regret it

brylny · 02/09/2024 07:49

Ionacat · 02/09/2024 07:28

DD made noises about dropping activities a year ago and we said well have a think about what you’d like to do to replace dance and she decided to stick with it. Now dancing more than ever…… We’ve said you need to do more than just sit and scroll on your phone and we don’t mind what but you pick something whether that’s just going to the gym or the multitude of sports on offer. We’ve had open conversations about mental health and about scrolling on your phone for hours on end is not healthy.

Exactly! That's essentially what I did.

Original poster
FriendlyRobin · 02/09/2024 07:52

Yes Brylny we've talked about it for a while and she's chosen to stop. I guess you told her to think about it and she chose to stay but she could have chosen to stop - it's that stage where they're choosing it for themselves rather than becoause they've always done it (like my eldest stopped music for a term and is now playing in orchestras and really flying with music but she chose to).

She's been really pleased since we made it final and we let her "sit with" the choice before we sent the email over the weekend.

I'm excited to see what she goes on to do. I remember now my eldest took up climbing for a bit after stopping hers at a similar age but that was through covid so wasn't through choice looking back.

OP posts:
CherryBlossomFestival · 02/09/2024 07:53

Thanks OP! My dd is on a sports team with quite a few 13yo girls whose parents make them do it. They hate it and muck around. The ones who want to play properly are frustrated, as is the coach.

The parents seem oblivious to the massive problem they’ve created because of some personal rule about children having to do a sport. Thank you for not doing that.

There’s something about pressure putting them off, too. My older dd stopped her instrument partly because school kept asking her to play in more concerts and ensembles, and she didn’t want to, but found it hard to say no to teachers.