Daughter dropping all hobbies.

[FriendlyRobin]

My daughter is turning 13 soon and has announced she wants to drop scouts (her interest in this did wane last term) and her sport. This was twice a week and although she was regional level she's plateued and isn't improving so again over summer she's been reluctant to go.

But she will go from a girl who wanted to do everything in primary to someone who doesn't do any activities (dropped her instrument 6 months ago.)

Is this normal for some girls as part of becoming a teen? It does seem that kids either become super competitive at their sports or drop out at this stage. But I'm a bit sad about scouts. But again she's done it for 3 years now.

I don't want her to end up just watching TV every night (or is that also normal?!)

My DD 13 is similar. She has lost interest in netball, which has not been helped by a lack of matches last year and in the summer term some major friendship issues that have completely knocked her.

she would like not to return to netball when it starts next week (she is doing a second summer training session tonight which she did look like she enjoyed a bit last week). We have said she can stop but needs to find another activity. So far she hasn’t so we will be signing her up for the autumn term. This will either get her interested again (if the team can get more matches) or will push her to find something else.

her older brothers were similar and had to find another sport before finishing one. Even if it’s the gym, it’s fine but don’t want her just lying around as she does that enough and netball is only an hour a week.

seems to be a similar thing with teenage girls by the sounds of it.

It’s super important, especially in this age of mobile phones, to avoid letting our kids “rot” in bed. I recently came across this term “bed rotting” that young people on TikTok talk about..grim

Doing a sport was non negotiable so DD dropped competitive swimming and picked up girls rugby.

Timewise it was a life changer for both of us really no more training an hour a night or all weekend taken up be galas, instead training is one night midweek, Sunday is training or a match day September - May, summer is off or just fun family touch games and conditioning. Kit is cheap boot, mouth guard and socks everything else is heavily subsided. Body image wise it's fantastic as a job for every body type.

I think it's normal but I was so upset when my eldest started dropping activities. Now my 13 year old is starting to make noises about dropping activities. I don't think either of them realise how much these activities brought to their lives.

I think it's normal but I made our son do one thing. He's been doing drama for years and stuck with that. We also take him climbing when it's available. I think it's ok to say you have to do one thing outside the house - could be after school craft club or something. Let them decide what.

Ask if there's anything else she wants to try? Quite a few of our scouts move to Cadets at 13 for something new for example.

Keep looking around for things she might be interested in. I signed up my son for Spanish lessons after a Spanish holiday (via online platform Verbling- all lessons are online, with native speakers and very reasonably priced). After 10 Spanish lessons or so my son asked if he could do Japanese. I was a bit shocked by his choice but did pay for a couple of lessons thinking it would be the end of it. Fast forward 2.5 years and my son is still doing his hourly Japanese lesson every Saturday morning. My other son is still doing 30 minutes of violin. He stopped doing grades, much to his teacher's disappointment. I think the only reason my son is still doing is because I gave him the permission to treat his lessons as a bit of fun which is what he is doing. Experimenting with various pieces of music and zero homework. Teenage years is a difficult age

Thanks all. We've let scouts know and will let the sport know at the end of this week.

I'm not keen on "making her go" until she has a new sport as its a sport that needs commitment and concentration which she worn have if she's checking out.

Im hoping the space without activities filling her evenings will give her some time to think.

She does go to lunch time clubs at school and is starting to see friends (school draws from a wide area so not as simple as going round calling!) so I'm not worried she won't be social. Just a bit of a change as a parent after years of both kids wanting to do everything going under rh sun!

It really helps to know it's an age thing too! I'm not going to try get her to sign up for a new sport as most places at 13 are already quite competitive or keen and I don't want to put her into that as a beginner just before GCSEs but will look at activities for interest.

We will encourage home interests too. This thread has really helped me and helped to confirm I don't want to be the parent that "insists" and helped me to frame this in my head!

What about yoga or Pilates or something else in the way of exercise class, rather than kids sport? I think she’s old enough to go to something at the leisure centre though would be worth checking. Emphasise the fitness aspect and also strength and stress relief - all important as she sets off towards GCSE. I went to yoga with my mum from about 15 and it was great actually.

I worked with someone who also trained athletics at a national level. He always told me 13 was the age girls dropped things or then took it seriously.

I wonder if it’s an independence thing, not to have their activity ‘organised’.

DD also dropped things around that age, music because of covid and guides because she didn’t want to socialise with the multiple age groups anymore. She has a lot of craft based hobbies at home. I would love for her to do something social (she does an arts based activity at school) but it’s a hard age as lots of things have younger teenagers involved and she won’t hang with them!

Yes to this.

It's good for no-one to just sit there on their phones/computer and they get much less moody after an activity.

All of my teens do 2 activities a week (and I limit gaming) and they're much better because of it.

I agree in general. I didn't make DC stick at things out of duty. They gave up a lot around that age (including Scouts) and then DS1 moved on to new interests. But DS2 didn't. he was very shy and I didn't want that to mean he missed out on acquiring some lovely life-long skills. I only made DS stick with guitar because he had literally no other interests or reasons to leave the house, and he did love guitar, and had phenomenal teachers. He just had that low energy, low motivation that early teens get where he didn't want to get up and out at the weekend, but now he is so glad he stuck at it.

Again what sport? It would help with suggestions to transition into..

one of mine recently moved into Cheer after years of gymnastics, dance, swimming etc. it’s great as it ticks all the boxes- social, fun, there’s a place for everyone, as much or as little training as you choose, local comps, uk comps, dd’s club even takes teams to Florida!

dd’s got properly into it now after an unconfident start. She stuck to the back self consciously but is very strong- so the team have played on this and given her more throwing and catching and less dance- now she knows she doesn’t have to do all the hair tossing stuff she’s found her place.

It's also a really good time to introduce life long physical activity, Couch 2 5k together, running club, climbing, gym, aerobics, paddle boarding if thats her thing the sort of things you can do with her which makes it a good bonding experience important in the teen years,recreational not competitive but can set up good habits for the future.

Normal. Why continue the effort, unless it brings pleasure.

Normal IME.

I gave up Guides at 13. Would have dropped my instrument and Saturday morning music school around then, but parents made me keep going. I stopped at 15/16 under the guise of "concentrating on my exams", but really, I was bored of it. Had never been interested in practicing, and wasn't really progressing. Also, my music school used to give out awards for different things every summer. I'd been going every Saturday for half my life at that point, and never won a thing. I think I'd probably thought that once I'd announced that it would be my last "season", I expected to win something. But I didn't. So that was that. I wasn't the best player, I never made "front chair", but I turned up every week, to every concert, every rehearsal for YEARS.

After that, I took up more "at home" hobbies. I started doing massive cross-stitch pieces that my mum still has up on the wall. I started drawing more and writing short stories and poems. I got more into music. All things I've continued to enjoy through my adult life.

I certainly don't regret my years of playing an instrument. There were lots of good experiences that came with it, and I gained a lot of skills unrelated to the instrument. I started singing in choir there, which I still enjoy doing.

I'm curious as to how you insist on a child doing an activity. At that age I could be very stubborn and if forced to go would have refused to participate, been rude to group leaders, and pissed everyone else off so much I'd be asked to leave. Church youth group in my case.

Whatever happened to just getting up on a Saturday morning and going swimming?
Not lessons....just swimming in the local pool.
That's what I did quite regularly around that age.
Or the cinema? Bunch of friends on a Saturday afternoon followed by some socialising in a coffee shop (was Wimpy in my day).

Unfortunately this is very common in my experience. I coach a sport at a kids' club and we have a massive drop off for both sexes but particularly girls in the first couple of years of secondary school. My DD is a dance teacher and she sees the same and it's similar in the sport my younger son plays. My elder son used to do music festivals when he was at school and there'd be loads of kids in his age group when he was in primary school, but it was down to a handful by early teens.
It's a shame, and I wish there was a magic way to keep teens, especially girls,engaged in their activities but it is very difficult. I used to think there was something wrong with me as a coach when so many teenagers left, but with time (and observing that it happens to everyone else too ) I've concluded that it is inevitable and a common part of teenage behaviour. Most national governing bodies seem to have strategies to address the issue but in all honesty, none seem very effective. There was a big push in our sport for more female coaches as this was thought to be a factor, but over 80% of our coaches and committee members are now women and it hasn't made a jot of difference.
I don't have any answers sorry. I don't think forcing teens to attend things they don't want to do really works though. We have had a few at our club where that's been the case and you can always tell that they don't want to be there and aren't getting anything out of it and that can exert quite a negative influence on a group. I don't really want young people at my sessions who are there under duress to be honest. I think it reduces the chances of them enjoying sport in the future, either ours or another, damages their relationship with their parents and impacts on other members of the group.
I think you probably have to accept the situation as it is, but if she expresses an interest in anything else, encourage that. A few years ago I had a girl in my group whose parents had both competed at quite a high level but it was obvious by the time she was about 11 that she didn't enjoy it and it was miserable for all concerned so she dropped out. She stopped all physical activity for a couple of years much to her parents' dismay but she is now doing really well at a totally different sport that she initiated herself in her teens. I think if she'd been forced to continue in our sport beyond the age that it was clear that she didn't want to do it she would have probably been turned off sport altogether.

Its near impossible as the pools are fully booked due to kids swimming lessons!!

Have a quick google for your local pool’s
timetable.

most pools have lessons Saturday am. general swim sessions tend to be 7am. Or it’s “family swim”- incredibly busy, small kids everywhere. If you go with mates it’ll likely be full, and they also tend to run “sessions” so if you don’t plan properly you could end up being kicked out after 20 mins, or having to wait an hour for the next session.

the days when you could just pitch up at a pool and swim are long gone.

@TickingAlongNicely @Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 that's a valid point actually 🙁

Its a regular complaint of the older people in our village... complaining about teenagers just hanging around but there's no where for them to be rather than an organised activity

I think this is a good idea. I was a very un-sporty child and have often looked back and thought if this kind of thing had been on offer it would have made a difference.

Like others, I insisted that my daughter continue to do a sport. She switched from a local soccer team to the school basketball team in secondary school.

It's reasonable for you to make a rule like this - I played a team sport in school and I know it's very good for health and friendships. My team was a bit crappy, but losing a match you've played with your friends can help to mitigate any perfectionist tendencies.

I let my daughter drop an instrument, which I think was a huge mistake!