Our debt and my frustration/anger at dh

[Dawnofthedales]

Morning,

Had a shitty couple of days with dh. Neither of us have been great with money and dh took over managing the finances just before lockdown when I had our last baby. We’ve always carried debt in credit cards/loans and we’re both responsible for that.

I knew that we still had some debts but assumed that dh was dealing with these properly, It appears that whilst the overall debts have gone down he has also used some of the cards to help with paying for things like holidays for us, and Christmas etc. I’ve been really angry with him about this and he thinks I’m being very unfair. My issues are….

1. I thought the debt was going down
2. some of the cards are in my name so he shouldn’t have used them without asking permission
3. He should have spoken to me about our financial position more regularly
4. he borrowed £1500 from his mum to help clear a higher interest debt but didn’t tell me

He thinks that I’m being unreasonable as….

1. he feels that I’ve just let him get on with it and haven’t shown any interest or offered to share the burden
2. He pays all of the credit card bills out of his account so it’s irrelevant who’s card it is.
3. i should have asked about how we were paying for stuff instead of just leaving it all to him
4. he feels humiliated and as though he’s being given the sole blame

I should add that in every other way he’s a great husband and father. I can also see that it has all bern family spending.

I don’t want to disclose the debt figures on here but it’s going to take us 3-4 years to clear it all.

Am I BU to be so cross at him?

YABU. Family finance is everyone's responsibility. You should be cross with yourself for assuming and not being proactive. Didn't you realise you were clearly living far beyond your means?

Don't be cross for too long though - we all make mistakes. Lesson learned. Move forwards together and do better next time. The road ahead is not always the straight and obvious one but there is still a path through!

I think he's got a point in that you could have shown more interest.

Where did you think the money for holidays and Christmas gifts was coming from?

It's done now. You need to both sit down and work out a budget that includes significant spends such as Christmas etc and jointly agree what you can afford going forward or you'll both be resentful.

Honestly I agree with him, what he did wasn’t necessarily right by adding more borrowing and using your card, but you have just let him get on with it.

I handle our finances and every now and dh will ask for an update, I share a state of the household statement with him probably every couple of months so we both see how the savings are going etc. and bigger purchases like Christmas and holidays we talk about where the money is coming from and if it’s a debt, which thankfully these days it isn’t, what rate and how long for.

I don’t think debt/finances should be one person’s burden to carry alone, it’s stressful.

Have you not asked him any questions about what’s what with it all since before lockdown?!

I completely agree with your DH. You can’t just stick your head in the sand, enjoy all the treats and then point the finger - especially when you say that you’ve also carried debt on credit cards in the past.

You are so unreasonable! How did you think the holidays were being paid for?

You’re an adult, you don’t get to absolve yourself of responsibility for the finances of your household, ask no questions, enjoy the nice things being put on credit then get angry at the only person doing anything.

You owe him an apology and then you need to both stop spending so much on non essentials and have complete financial transparency.

I agree with him. You’ve basically left him to deal with it and now you’re blaming him for still being in debt. What to do now is the important thing though. Time for team work!
Sit down together, calculate a budget, stick to it. Check in each month. I use an app called Emma which allows me to set budgets and see exactly how my spending is going in each category. That way, I feel more in control. Give him a break!

You are both being unreasonable. You are both responsible for overspending. Apologise to each other for both the mess and the blame game and work together in future.

YABU- you are married so it is both your responsibility to manage. You both need to sit down and agree a plan to handle finances going forward.

You knew you had debts, you knew both of you had not managed money well, you wanted to step away from the responsibility and you went on holiday without asking how that was being paid for assuming debt was going down based on what?

Why weren't you thinking or even asking about your own finances?

If you won't be involved in your own finances how do you expect them to improve?

You are supposed to be a team, but you offloaded the problem on him and now want to blame him for not dealing with it the way you think you wanted it dealt with.

Why aren't you cross with yourself for shirking your responsibilities?
At least he was doing something about it and got the debt down a bit.
What did you do?

Don't ask other people to live the more trying bits of your life for you.

You can't just absolve yourself of all responsibility, hand over the finances to your husband, then complain that he's not dealing with it "properly".

YABU, DH deals with our finances mainly (because he actually works in finance so has a whole spreadsheet thing going on). We agree an annual budget line by line and go from there.

However if we were in debt and he was booking a holiday I would be asking “how are we paying for that then”. I would have also been going through our various credit cards or loans and we would have agreed on how/what to prioritise. If i said to DH, “you go ahead and fix it” I wouldn’t then turn around and criticise how he was going about it.

You went on holiday when you knew you had debt?!

I can’t get past that!

YABU!
Did you think the money was growing on trees?

You are both being unreasonable and you've both been silly.

Time to move on, look forward and plan and agree together what you will do to rectify.

All the best.

You’re both BU.

1. Sit down together and figure out your monthly incomings and outgoings.
2. Set a realistic budget, not an aspirational budget that you’ll never achieve. I recommend YNAB (YouTube, Podcast: Budget Nerds) or The Budget Mom (YouTube, Instagram). Also include monthly contributions to Sinking Funds—Christmas, birthdays, holidays, emergency fund, car expenses, etc. These things come around every year, so they are not ‘surprises’, and should be planned for.
3. Do not continue to use the credit card. If you haven’t saved for a holiday in a sinking fund, then you can’t afford to go on holiday that year. Your pay should be going toward the upcoming month’s expenses, not to pay back things you couldn’t afford in the past. This is destructive financial behaviour and you will never get ahead. Paige Pritchard of Overcoming Overspending (Instagram, Podcast) offers lots of helpful insights.

Time to have the hard conversations, face the challenges like grownups, and stop pointing the finger at each other. Good luck. x

YABU - you're both responsible.

He has a point.

If the cards are in your name then you should have been mote proactive.

Thia is on both of you, not the fault of 1 person.

YABU and you both need to take responsibility. You've been happy to bury your head in the sand about how money is spent and now want to blame him. Finances are on both of you.

Well everyone has already told you you are wrong and hopefully you can see that now. Of course, he should also have volunteered the information if you weren't asking so there is fault on both sides.
Blaming really isn't useful or healthy though. Sit together work out the debts, find out the interest rates and work out how you will pay back in what order. Then look at your budget, cut back anything that you can and throw money at the debt.
Post your spends on here if you want advice.

YABU
You said overall debt has gone down and then in next breath say you are angry because you thought debt was going down?!

Getting out of debt does involve moving debt around, clearing high interest debt by taking out lower interest or 0% debt and often you are two steps forward and then one step back. It’s not a steady chipping away to get clear of debt.

You know he’s not the best at managing finances and yet you abandoned him to manage it all alone. You not being good either is no excuse. You’re an equal partner, you don’t get to just cop out and leave him holding the bag and struggling alone. And then to be angry at him despite him doing his best is cheeky at best.

On a softer note I have been where you are but I’m your DH. I got fed up with him throwing up his hands and leaving the mess to me even though he knows I struggle and two heads are better than one. Now we have a formal one hour meeting at least once a quarter to go through all our finances. We call it our money MOT. It has really helped because he, like you, would tell me oh stop worrying over paying for that holiday or Christmas we always work it out - he would reassure me on debt worries without knowing the latest figures. If we both know the figures then he can actually be a decent sounding board and be like “yeah that £900 root canal bill means perhaps we should just do a long weekend for a holiday instead of going abroad for two weeks…” his not knowing was actively influencing me to make worse decisions.

You both have valid points tbh. He has been irresponsible with some of the spending that really wasn't necessary if you were already in debt and you have been naive in not questioning how all those things were being paid for and abdicating all responsibility to him.

It's for the best that this has all come out and now you have a clear idea of where you stand and can agree a joint plan of action/budget long-term.

Apart form borrowing from his Mum this is all on the both of you. How could you not know how a holiday was being paid for.

Yabu. Time for you both to take it in hand and get some help or advice.
CAB or Stepchange debt charities' websites are a good place to start

Burying your head in the sand isn't great. You need to work together. He should probably have brought it up, you should have asked. You are both at fault!