Our debt and my frustration/anger at dh

[Dawnofthedales]

Morning,

Had a shitty couple of days with dh. Neither of us have been great with money and dh took over managing the finances just before lockdown when I had our last baby. We’ve always carried debt in credit cards/loans and we’re both responsible for that.

I knew that we still had some debts but assumed that dh was dealing with these properly, It appears that whilst the overall debts have gone down he has also used some of the cards to help with paying for things like holidays for us, and Christmas etc. I’ve been really angry with him about this and he thinks I’m being very unfair. My issues are….

1. I thought the debt was going down
2. some of the cards are in my name so he shouldn’t have used them without asking permission
3. He should have spoken to me about our financial position more regularly
4. he borrowed £1500 from his mum to help clear a higher interest debt but didn’t tell me

He thinks that I’m being unreasonable as….

1. he feels that I’ve just let him get on with it and haven’t shown any interest or offered to share the burden
2. He pays all of the credit card bills out of his account so it’s irrelevant who’s card it is.
3. i should have asked about how we were paying for stuff instead of just leaving it all to him
4. he feels humiliated and as though he’s being given the sole blame

I should add that in every other way he’s a great husband and father. I can also see that it has all bern family spending.

I don’t want to disclose the debt figures on here but it’s going to take us 3-4 years to clear it all.

Am I BU to be so cross at him?

Really? Do you think that most people who go on holiday are debt free? I very very much doubt it!!

i think that it’s time to look at a joint plan rather then blaming each other.

Look upon this as an opportunity to get together and form a plan for how you are going to take things forward. This must include: joint responsibility, a regular meeting diaried in for you both to go through things and make plans for the next month, keeping a joint record of credit card purchases, seeking agreement on higher spend items etc. In other words start approaching it in a systematic way and, above all else, a JOINT way.

Late OH and I had a joint account from day one of our marriage - then savings accounts as we added them were also in joint names. This meant that both of us could see exactly what was going on.

I think you are both jointly responsible for this and you need to stop blaming DH and work together on a plan

I think household finances should always be a joint responsibility, I find it odd when one person abdicates all responsibility to the other on something as important as this.

For 4 years you've assumed he's handling it all? at no point checked how it was going?
Be angry at yourself for having such a lazy attitude.

I wouldn't go on holiday if I had outstanding debt (except mortgage of course)

Lots of people do, though.

It’s very normal to put your holiday on a credit card and then pay it off, for example.

YABU. His point 1. says it all. You're both not great with money and your action was to hand it all to him and bury your head in the sand, going on holiday etc and blithely assuming all was fine. You can't now plead ignorance. It's your shared debt, cards, household finances. If you want it sorting, take responsibility.

As an adult don't ever leave money matters to a partner completely. That's irresponsible. Take some ownership of your financial life.

I think the main thing that PP are concerned about is being so far in debt that MIL has had to give a bridging loan, and yet still going on a holiday which is not fully funded, pushing the family even further into debt.

🙈

Also a bit mad to cite having the baby as if it's a legit reason to let him take over the finances. Surely adding another member to the family is a point where you know expenses are going to go up - and likely income is going to go down - so turning a blind eye to finances at that point makes no sense. And looking after a a baby doesn't stop you checking credit card balances now and again.

Living with debt is hugely stressful and you need to work as a team with your DH to sort it out.

Living within your means is an essential life skill.

Take advice from a debt charity like Step Change and make a plan to re-set your finances. Short term pain to clear the debts will be worth the long term gain of living debt-free.

So your kid’s pushing five and you’ve abdicated responsibility for your household finances completely since then? That is absolutely crazy to me that either of you could have allowed that to happen. I had a baby then too, another two years later, and have managed our household finances for that whole time (but with regular communication between me and DH about it) alongside both of us working full time to actually earn the money. That’s five years of holidays and Christmasses alongside your general lifestyle that you didn’t know how you were funding or if you could afford it but you did know you had debt? You know most people are thinking about how to pay for that stuff every single day?! You owe your DH a huge apology and he needs to be a lot more communicative.

I am with your Dh to be honest. Though you are both to blame for the overall situation.

For years you have shown no interest, left it to him and assumed a lot. You are both bad with money, you know this. It’s not like you thought he was great with money.

You have ignored the issue and assumed he will fix it all for you.

I don’t get why he took over the finances though? You both really need to work out a plan for this.

How do finances work in genera in your household?

My ex also took no responsibility for the finances and wouldn’t help me with them but would get grumpy with my management. We weren’t in your debt situation but you need to engage.

YABU

You can’t leave him to sort the debts and then turn around and say he’s doing it wrong.

This is both of your problem and therefore both of you need to deal with it.

You need to sit down and both work out how much you owe and how much you’ll repay each month.
Come up with a plan for the next 12 months.
Every month on payday, sit down for 30 mins and pay what you need to pay.
It may be that you pay less to one or move it to a different card etc but this has to be a joint decision.

Pretty unanimous, it is both your faults.

@Dawnofthedales but if you have been personally scrimping for the last 4 years under the assumption that your husband was doing the same to pay down the debt, I think you have a reason to be annoyed.

It doesn't sound like you have though, it sounds like you spend while waiting for him to put the brakes on if needed.

You need to take equal responsibility for keeping on top of things.

And check your cc statements!

I think you have both just lost your way a bit.

Sounds like he didn't want to not give the family the holidays and gifts and you didn't consider where the money was coming from.

But that's done now. Going forward you need an open agreed budget.

Are you working OP? If not perhaps you can look at working or both of you help each other to gain promotion to earn more.

Money is a finite resource so you spend what you have, if you want more you earn more. Or spend less.

Might it be cheaper to consolidate credit cards into a loan with less interest?

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Have a look on MSE for financial advice.

You now need to:

Agree and set a budget for a basic, no frills Christmas. Tell people that you're buying gifts for immediate family only and don't buy expensive gifts or too much food which will be wasted.

Sell anything you don't need, out grown etc and use this to overpay on debt repayments.

Meal plan, switch utility service providers etc to cheaper plans. Cut out expensive subscriptions you don't need.

Review your statements and total up how much you've wasted on luxuries, treats & coffees etc in Aug. Then transfer 2/3 of this to over pay your debts or into a savings account on next pay day.

You need to become aggressive in your approach to debt reduction, see how much you can reduce by Christmas.

Your problem is that you borrow to facilitate a lifestyle which you can't afford. This means you're not earning enough money so you might need to change jobs or get a sideline job. Look at how you can increase your income and reduce your expenditure at the same time. Then you'll be much more financially stable, it's not impossible but requires hard work.

Sorry @Dawnofthedales but I am team DH here. YABVU. You knew you had debt and you should have both been discussing it and working towards clearing it all off and leaving it all to him. How did you think holidays etc were being paid for when you knew there was a fair bit of debt

I am team nobody I think. You are completely wrong for just sticking your head in the sand and happily adding to the debt by going on holiday and over-spending on Christmas for years. He is in the wrong for allowing that to happen without saying as much as a peep. You are both financially irresponsible and you both need to wise up when it comes to your finances. What you need to do going forward is up your incomes and lower your spending. You can't go on holiday whilst you are in such debts that you can't even handle the repayments without having to rely on relatives. You also can't have the Christmasess you want. You need to tighten your belts on all fronts until you are no longer paying off these loans. You are living way above your means and that isn't realistic.

I'd agree with the general consensus that you can't blame him for this. It sounds like he's really doing his best, and you do say (I think) that overall debt is down, so his juggling about of finances is actually working.

One thing that did occur to me from your post though is that you did fairly set out both your side of the argument and his. You don't seem entrenched in your version of events, which I reckon bodes well for your relationship and ability to sort this out between you.

Gosh yes YABU, you've done nothing now blaming him.
Were the credit cards in your name alone?? That's a bit strange- aren't they in you own wallet etc - or are they joint?