Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My dog is very sick, - dd is on holiday - do I tell her?

93 replies

hardemma · 23/08/2024 07:47

Our dog has a chronic illness it's been well-managed over a couple of years - mostly non-symptomatic. Over the last few days, he's gone downhill quite quickly, we're seeing a specialist today but we are not hopeful - his quality of life is very important to us, so we won't drag this on for our benefit.
Dd is on holiday in Asia - she'll be back in a week but we may not be able to wait that long.
My gut says let her enjoy her holiday, she can't change what's happening here but a friend has said we should tell her and it's not fair to keep it from her, she says her friends will comfort her, I think if we tell her and she doesn't come home, she'll spend the rest of the week miserable, wishing she was at home.

Please go easy on me - I'm very fragile and emotional at the moment but what would you do?

OP posts:
mumto2teenagers · 23/08/2024 11:46

I think you should message her and let her know that dog has gone downhill so you are seeing a specialist and you don't know what the outcome will be, this gives her the chance to video call you and for her to see the dog.

If you don't tell her and she comes back to a big shock like that, when she goes away in future she will worry that there is bad news waiting for her return that you have kept from her.

Tritter · 23/08/2024 11:47

I'd wait and tell her the night before she's due home.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 23/08/2024 12:58

@justflewinfromthewindycity ok. That's your opinion. Mine is that if my DD was on a holiday of a lifetime, why spoil it for her and all the other people on the holiday with her?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 23/08/2024 13:03

There’s nothing she can do, I wouldn’t tell her. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 23/08/2024 13:25

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 23/08/2024 13:03

There’s nothing she can do, I wouldn’t tell her. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

But there is something she can do - she can see her dog one last time (even if it's via video call) and say goodbye. I can't believe so many people don't seem to realise how important that is for many pet owners.

justflewinfromthewindycity · 23/08/2024 13:51

@sunsetsandboardwalks I don't understand this either
Our dog is part of the family and I couldn't imagine not saying goodbye to him

CormorantStrikesBack · 23/08/2024 13:56

Years ago my parents were on holiday and I had to have their dog put down while away. I didn't tell them until they got back to the UK a couple of weeks later. They said they were glad they didn't know while abroad. Saying that it was before the days of mobile phones/internet, so they wouldn't have been able to do a video call to say goodbye..

Emmz1510 · 23/08/2024 15:13

I don’t think I could have my daughter coming home from a holiday to find out her dog has died. The thought of that is the reason I would tell her. She might want to FaceTime and see the dog before he goes, or have some involvement in planning his last days. Presumably she is with people who can support her. Yes telling her will taint the holiday of a lifetime, but if she arrives home to that news she will always look back on that holiday and remember what faced her when she got home anyway. I personally would tell her.

Seasidelife1 · 23/08/2024 18:29

I agree with what some others have said. Everyone needs their chance to say goodbye. She can video call and tell
him she loves him. Bless you there is no easy solution, telling her on her last week is hard ,but her coming home on a high to the bad news would be awful too. Being able to say goodbye will hopefully let her have closure. It’s so hard, dogs are part of the family and it really is heartbreaking .

Original poster
hardemma · 23/08/2024 18:31

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
A positive update. Ddog has seen the specialist and we’ve come home with a truck load of drugs. Things are better, he’s comfortable. His vitals have improved a little and he’s had a few tablespoons of mince. He’s starting to respond like his old self. The vet does not think it’s his time just yet - we know it won’t be long.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 23/08/2024 18:34

@hardemma hopefully the dog will be able to be managed until your daughter gets home .💐

Balloonhearts · 23/08/2024 18:37

See what the specialist says. Wait until you know, presumably you won't put down on the spot then and there, you'd have to make an appointment so see the specialist, make the decision and then decide whether to tell her.

If it needs to be done then I would call her and tell her he is sick and give her a chance to see him. If it can wait until she is back without causing him to suffer then I would do that.

Magnolia1234 · 23/08/2024 18:38

just read your update. Hoping he can be kept comfortable for a week or so. I would let her know he is ill so she can make any requests, say a goodbye/goodboy, etc.

if putting the dog down is the kind thing to do, I think I would say the dog was at the vet for a few days and died. I wouldn’t want to tell her and also wouldn’t want to sit on the info for a week. Not telling the truth also seems awful but may be the kindest for all.

Balloonhearts · 23/08/2024 18:40

Mix his mince with Sunday Chicken Dinner baby food. I've never had any pet resist it. Saved my hamster when he was too sick to eat his normal food. I put a hot water bottle under his cage and fed him chicken dinner baby food and eggy custard until he recovered otherwise I'd have not got any nourishment into him at all.

Silver777 · 23/08/2024 18:41

Maybe tell her, you can feel a bit removed from home life when so far away & so she'll know and have a bit of time to process before it becomes v real when she gets home 💐

ipredictariot5 · 23/08/2024 18:42

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/08/2024 08:44

This has happened twice with me, same DD on holiday. I didn’t tell her until she was home. She understood why each time.

you can prep her for it without saying it is imminent - then if you do have to make the call she will feel she has been consulted. my experience is the five freedoms talk vets do is very user friendly and a great way to think about the right time
I have been hiding a cat with cancer from my DD whilst she did her A levels and she definitely needed gentle guidance during the exam period when she knew something was wrong and was cross but understanding when we did tell her. and my older children wanted to come home to say goodbye to our old dog even when everyone knew it was on the cards. only from Leeds and Manchester not Asia! and remember grief is often shown as displaced anger so you may well see that anyway

Original poster
hardemma · 23/08/2024 18:57

Balloonhearts · 23/08/2024 18:40

Mix his mince with Sunday Chicken Dinner baby food. I've never had any pet resist it. Saved my hamster when he was too sick to eat his normal food. I put a hot water bottle under his cage and fed him chicken dinner baby food and eggy custard until he recovered otherwise I'd have not got any nourishment into him at all.

He’s demanded some venison treats and we have a roast chicken for dinner to tempt him. Small and frequent - I’ve never known him to go without food for so long but he’s the fussiest dog I know - and more than a bit spoiled.
Specialist said we’d know by Monday whether we had got ahead of things - I might be counting my chickens, yesterday was grim - today we’re seeing him again. I think he’ll last a week - as long as he’s comfortable and being demanding - we know he’s happy.

OP posts:
namechange12524 · 23/08/2024 19:21

My parents had our cat put to sleep when I was on holiday with friends age 25. They called me before and after the vet visit, and I was glad they did. I wouldn't have wanted them to keep it from me

Emmz1510 · 23/08/2024 19:49

hardemma · 23/08/2024 18:31

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
A positive update. Ddog has seen the specialist and we’ve come home with a truck load of drugs. Things are better, he’s comfortable. His vitals have improved a little and he’s had a few tablespoons of mince. He’s starting to respond like his old self. The vet does not think it’s his time just yet - we know it won’t be long.

Oh that’s good news. Hopefully he’ll hang on a bit longer then and you’ll all have more time with him and daughter gets to have a good rest of her holiday x

Isthisasgoodasitis · 23/08/2024 19:52

hardemma · 23/08/2024 07:47

Our dog has a chronic illness it's been well-managed over a couple of years - mostly non-symptomatic. Over the last few days, he's gone downhill quite quickly, we're seeing a specialist today but we are not hopeful - his quality of life is very important to us, so we won't drag this on for our benefit.
Dd is on holiday in Asia - she'll be back in a week but we may not be able to wait that long.
My gut says let her enjoy her holiday, she can't change what's happening here but a friend has said we should tell her and it's not fair to keep it from her, she says her friends will comfort her, I think if we tell her and she doesn't come home, she'll spend the rest of the week miserable, wishing she was at home.

Please go easy on me - I'm very fragile and emotional at the moment but what would you do?

Been here we opted to send texts when he was in the air call home where are you please pick up then explained we lost the cat while he was enroute and came straight to get him he accepted that and saved everyone grief it was actually 10 days before

TheBerry · 23/08/2024 20:03

IAmJohnMajor · 23/08/2024 08:08

Don't let her come home to a massive crash like that.

Send her a message saying that ddog might not be here when she gets back but that you will give her the best care and all the love you know she would give if she was there.
Tell her she mustn't worry, dog is in safe hands and you won't let her suffer, but you didn't want her to possibly come home to a horrid shock and dig passing away being old news.
Remind her the last time she saw dog there were cuddles and a lovely walk (or whatever).

Noooooo if you tell her don’t do it like this.

I think it’s really hard. Some people would rather be told, and some wouldn’t. You know your DD best, so if your gut is saying don’t tell her then maybe that’s right.

Personally I think I’d want to be told (I’d probably even try to come home early) but I can understand the opposite argument too.

If you decide not to tell her, take some nice videos and mementos as other posters have suggested.

Springadorable · 23/08/2024 21:23

I'd tell her. It will taint the holiday memory if not, and potentially make her hesitant to trust you in the future.

Awittyandclevername · 24/08/2024 00:39

So sorry you’re going through this. I think if it was me I would tell her… my mum always kept things from me trying to protect me but in the end I always used to feel like I was never given the whole truth and like I couldn’t fully trust her to be honest or as if she didn’t think I would be able to deal with hard things. I understand why you would want to let her enjoy the holiday, but ultimately, whether you tell her now, or when she’s home, the news will likely be what she remembers when thinking back to this holiday. Trust her to manage her feelings, as hard as that is. The remaining week of the holiday might even give her space/ time/ distraction to help her process what’s going on.

VS2332 · 24/08/2024 01:54

I’m glad to hear that things are looking up so far - fingers crossed your dog pulls through! I know just how heartbreaking losing a dog is.

As for your question, if the worst were to
happen, I would definitely tell your daughter, regardless of where she is. By not saying anything, although your intentions are good, you are essentially depriving her of a chance to say goodbye on video, to see her dog one last time, alive and wagging his tail. I’m sure it would break her to come home to these news and then finding out that you kept it from her.

Perhaps this is too much info, but I wanted to share this with you. When we lost our family dog to cancer back in 2019, I had just lost my job and was at home with him. Our dog had bone cancer and we made the decision to amputate his leg to save his life as he didn’t have mets anywhere else. He was fine for about a year, went back to his puppy self and adapted really well to life on 3 legs. Unfortunately, a year later, he developed tumours in his lungs and another on his optic nerve, so he was now blind in one eye, but there was a chance the lung tumours would shrink with chemo so we wanted to give him a fighting chance because he showed will to live/eat/play/cuddle etc. One Monday, we went to see a specialist vet to discuss surgery to remove his eye to ease his pain, we booked the surgery for Friday that week. On Thursday, day before the surgery, he took a turn for the worst and could not get comfortable, he was poorly and in pain and it broke me. I was only 20 at the time and it was the most heartbreaking decision I had to make. I called my entire family back home from work so we could all have a chance to say goodbye to our boy. I’m pretty sure my family would not forgive me if I did not call them and give them this chance. We put him to sleep that same day and I’m so thankful that we all got to hug him one last time. Before he laid down for sedation, he gave everyone one last kiss and tail wag, like he knew he was ready to go. We held him as he took his last breath.

I know your daughter might not be able to see your dog in person, but I think she would be very grateful to be able to see him one last time and say goodbye.

Anyway, I have my fingers crossed for your dog, all the best 🤞🏼

Pawsfourbyfourbyfour · 24/08/2024 02:21

I'm so sorry op. I do hope your dog can hang on until your DD returns home.

I think it depends a little on your daughter's age and character? You know her best. One of mine would have stressed so much that she would have become too distraught to cope while on holiday but the other would have wanted to know and could handle it. I would rely on your first gut instinct for that reason.