DS 17 wants to bring his first girlfriend back to our house whilst we’re away for the weekend

[Simonsignoret]

Would you allow this or am I being naive ?
Normally very trustworthy and responsible. Never had a girlfriend before. He’s stayed at the girl’s home twice with another male friend after going to a couple of parties there as she lives about 35 mins away (social gatherings rather than wild raves btw, ds doesn’t drink either).
Appreciate that this sounds wanky but according to ds the family is very middle class. Both want to apply to Oxbridge later in the year so a lot to lose if they dick around.
Apparently they want to watch something on TV.
We’ll be away Saturday and back Sunday, normally he’d stay with his dad. His bedroom at his dads is essentially a box room so I get the awkwardness of the situation.
I know I need to get more info. What would other people do ?

Buy him condoms - reiterate safe sex messages and let her stay. They are both over 16!

However agree with others these conversations should have started at the end of primary school - chats about consent and respectful relationships are so important.

Don’t you? Really??? Well times have changed then. Because when I was at school the intelligent, academic children didn’t have boyfriends and girlfriends and certainly weren’t having sex at 17. Geeks as we called them were just that, geeks.

And let’s say the less academic, scallywags were shagging at 15, smoking and not bothering with their studies.

It’s obvious what picture the OP is painting ‘He’s a good, geeky lad who is going on his first date with a girl’, so no, she’s not bought him a truck load of condoms and discussed consent because up until now he liked Lego and Star Wars.

Being a geek (maths at Imperial College) didn’t stop DH losing his virginity to me on our second date. We’d been friends for a year prior to dating.

But he DOES have a girlfriend. He's just a human. My "geek" friends were as sexual as my non-geek friends when I was 17.

Exactly! You were friends with the geek for a year before he made his move at Imperial College!!

Non geeks will be shagging on park benches after meeting half hour before and bonding over a bottle of white lightning.

We are away on holidays and my 17 year old DS is in a room with his 18 year old GF. At 17 conversations about acting and behaving responsibly, having respect and birth control are pretty common place in our house.

But he has a 21 year old brother who had a 4 year relationship so we do have experience.

They will be having sex or will be planning? So it's your choice if your family boundaries are happy with that.

My dd has recently turned 16 and she’s been having mixed sex sleepovers with friends since she was 15. She hasn’t had a boyfriend yet and at 17 I wouldn’t have as issue with a boyfriend staying over like this but I would want to have met him first. I’d also be providing condoms.

Ok I get your concern .. far from not being about Oxbridge - this is actually all about it.

Your hitherto 'geeky' studious boy has looked like his sole focus is on getting into an Oxford/Cambridge college .. and until recently all was on track. One set mind to achieve this aim .

You are freaked out that a gf and therefore any form of emotional turbulence resulting from a relationship is going to take this focus away. I do understand your concern. Genuinely.
One of mine went to Peterhouse so I remember the horror of all that interview stuff and the anxiety.. and honestly it wasn't because I wanted it (of course I did) but even more because he wanted it..

However . That particular cat is out of the bag now. It cannot be put back in. He has met a girl and the hormones are running wild.. it has to play its course. Do not try to thwart it.. that's my only advice. It will be what it will be. However the real positive is that gf has her sights on the same thing . .. and in our case it was a real positive because they were so competitive about both getting a place .

Btw they both got places but split up soon after and married different people !

Forget the box of johnnies, OP better get polishing that kitchen island before she goes away.

That’s so funny 😂 and true. Although some of the ‘cool’ crowd were at it fairly early on.

😂

@nextdoorconundrum in a nutshell.
He’s just phoned me from his dads. They’ve been texting outside school. Nothing else. So no further knowing if they are a formal ‘item’. Older brother was loitering so he couldn’t tell me anymore.

Fair play for him for asking
tbh I’d expect mine to lie because I would of at that age

If they are friends first it's different and complicated and I wouldn't assume its sexual. Dh and I were seeing each other for ages, months and months before sleeping together but everyone assumed we were at it like rabbits. Lots of deep and meaningful conversations, we both felt the next step was huge as we couldn't go back to being friends so we were very careful.

From an academic perspective a relationship can be really good for a boy that age especially if she is ambitious too. Don't do what my parents did and declare 'there will be no boyfriends for this year!' as my sister and I entered our last year, notwithstanding the fact we both had boyfriends at that time in our lives. My relationship involved one weekly date, a couple of phone calls and an occasional walk and I spent a year dealing with my parents constantly trying to jeopardise it. Not passing on messages (pre mobiles), making up chores so I'd be late for my date, refusing lifts at the last minute etc. The stress they caused me did much more damage to my focus than my relationship could ever have done.

I would be fine with it. I would make it clear that I don't want anyone else there at all - my worst nightmare would be a party happening, not a girlfriend staying over!

Good grief.
Of course he knows what to do.
He'll have been thinking about it from the age of 12 or 13.

I don’t think you’re worried about the weekend. I think you’re worried about the potential lack of academic focus if he wants to see her regularly rather than revising, or if they split up and he becomes upset and distracted.

The problem is, you can’t control any of that. All you can do is offer laidback support and guidance.

I’ve been there. Both as a parent and as a youngster.

They’re either already having sex or will be soon. It’s fine - it’s not a problem. It’s normal and nothing to be concerned about. Just make sure you’ve discussed safe sex and make sure he has access to condoms. Awkward conversation to have but much less awkward than an unwanted pregnancy. Just get it done in a calm, frank way and all will be well.

I’m sympathetic to your hesitation oP. Can’t they go to her parents?

That’s just not true for all of them.

Yes. I’d use this explanation and see if they can go to her parents who are there to ensure no parties ( and a degree of moderation in the bedroom antics!😂)

Um if he's gonna do it he's gonna do it. In fact they've probably done it at 17 OP. Better you know where they are no?

😆😆😆