I lost my youth too soon and I can't get over it

[worriedhidinginplainsight]

I've posted about this before under a different username. But I'm here again because I just feel so regretful and cheated. This is just a vent, I'm not looking for any particular advice....

....my younger years were rough due to growing up in a very dysfunctional family. I worked hard at school in the hope of a better life. My dreams didn't work out because I had to leave home at 17 without completing my ALevels. I spent 5 years going off the rails with parties, drugs and alcohol. I was very depressed.

I got myself together, did an access course, went to uni and started establishing a career. None of that was easy, but I was determined to. Due to my background I had developed an underlying mental health issue. I was not getting any treatment and was (just about) managing it...

....l was finally living! I loved my job, I had money to spend, I had lots of friends, my social life was great, I loved sports and exercise, I went on so many amazing holidays, everything was good. Better than it had ever been!

... then I went on holiday to a more off the beaten track place in a different continent. It was the best holiday of my life. I learned so much. I was honestly so naive about the rest of the world before that holiday

....when I got home I slowly started developing symptoms of an illness. The symptoms were fairly mild at first and diagnosed as ibs. Over the next 13 years the symptoms continued to develop until eventually I was in severe pain, exhausted, swollen, bloated and terrified. I could not get any help from doctors because it had been diagnosed as ibs. This happened between age 32 until I was 45. I gradually lost every single thing I had worked for, and I also failed to achieve what I had wanted, such as family, children, home.

It was difficult because I knew I was ill but no one would help. Every single day was a struggle to keep going. Also my mental health condition became unmanageable. While trying to cope with life in this situation I became vulnerable to harm and a lot of really bad traumatic things happened to me.

Last year the cause of my physical illness was discovered (I'm not going to say what it was), but I had basically contracted a parasite while on holiday at age 32. I had no idea. And it basically wiped out everything I had worked for and the next 13 years of my life.

I'm better now! The treatment was fairly simple . It's taken a while to recover my physical condition but I'm feeling good....

.... just cannot accept that one holiday took 13 years of my life. I'm better now, but I have virtually nothing left. I'm in my mid 40s now. All those years were taken from me. I am actually jealous of people who are enjoying themselves who are the age I was when I was unwell. I will never ever get my youth back. I'm absolutely gutted that this happened to me

... to practice acceptance and gratitude for what I have. But honestly I AM GUTTED that this happened to me

I would look for counselling, but honestly you have years left to enjoy. Please don’t waste your middle years mourning a lost youth, otherwise you really will have nothing.

Why can’t you go back to your old profession?

If you keep looking back then how on earth are you going to forge a new future?

I know it must have been awful and traumatic even but move on

Why can’t you now work? You can volunteer etc

The issue is you are letting a situation live rent free in your head

Picking yourself up off the floor is hard but it can be done

Oh and your youth? lol you had a pretty fun youth by the sounds of it!

The illness I caught is fairly uncommon. And it is also more usual that if someone did contact it then immune system would naturally fight it off. Mine didn't! There is nothing wrong with my immune system, it just didn't work against this particular infection.

I just want to rewind my life to when I was 32 and live it again in a healthy body. My youth was taken away and I now emerge in my mid 40s back to normal health. Wtf! This is not okay!!

Please don't tell me it could have been worse, it could have been a fatal illness/I could have been permanently disabled etc etc. I'm trying to work out how to accept what did actually happen to me, not what could have been worse ;(

That is heartbreaking OP. Appreciate probably easier said than done but I would give myself a set amount of time to mourn what I had lost. A month say of crying as much as I wanted to, shouting and raging at the world etc. I would then start making plans for my life which if you are in your 40s is still decades! I appreciate that it may be too late now for you to have children but it is definitely not to late for love and marriage and creating a happy home for yourself.

It sounds awful. But you must have been a very driven and resilient person to achueve what you did as a young adult. And noone can take that from you. Give yourself time but you can make a great life for yourself again.

Do you know what part of your 'youth' feel you've missed?
Everything is individual but the time from 32 to 40 I don't think many would class as 'youth' especially given you had partying teens/20s, went to college/uni, then went into what sounds like a good career for sometime?

@DoreenonTill8 yes I suppose you are right! I really did have a fabulous time until the illness. And I am actually grateful for that:)

I read something the other day that resonated with me. I am a similar age to you.

it said I’ve lived 40 years with the ties of family and having to go to school, etc. I have the next 40 years ahead of me where I can do whatever I want as an Independent adult who can choose whatever I want!

can you reframe it like that? You have 40 years ahead of you, what will you do with it?

work
travel
adopt/foster
volunteer

the options are endless. Attend counselling if necessary but don’t let the past ruin your future

I'm sorry op that sounds so rough for you. I think therapy would help you. Even to just be able to talk about it and get things out would benefit you.

I always shied away from therapy and just tried to manage my mental health. After I became suddenly physically disabled 4 years ago I was offered some psychotherapy alongside rehabilitation and it's honestly changed my life.

I had a rough childhood, addict parents, wasn't allowed to go to college, pregnant at 16 to a monster. So many other disasters along the way. My whole life had been spent pleasing others and then just as I got myself to a really good place with a loving husband, good job and friends, I suddenly lost my mobility. And I was so bloody angry at the world. It's not fair, what have I done to deserve this. I actually felt like I'd been cursed.

I'm doing ok now thanks to therapy. I see things differently and I'm not so consumed with rage at my circumstances. I still have bad days don't get me wrong.

I wish you all the best op x

you're mid 40s - not in your 80s and there is plenty of life left for the taking - a whole new adventure waiting for you and thankfully the cause of your illness has been found and you are recovering. I bet at some point you wondered if that would ever happen - it has happened! don't waste is with being bitter and looking back

you've created a life for yourself once - you can do it again - u can do anything you want - what do you want????

I had similar. I lost 8 years due to misdiagnosis. I lived with a constant migraine. Often days of vomiting, unable to function, couldn't work. I still had to take care of SC & even remember sitting in the school carpark with a vomit bag. No help from family & DH could only help so much.

Docs misdiagnosed, sent me to every test, every drug. Even physio. Eventually I found my own solution, which was extremely simple - found online (muscular related)!!! It's actually quite common in a less extreme way. I was also made, by family, to feel I was making it up. One cousin said as much... But now believes me because she had a similar problem (caused by medication). She had herself hauled off in an ambulance!!!

I'm so pissed at losing those years, at the lost income & job opportunities. So I get how you feel.

Now I reframe it as just my past & I'm moving forward. A sh*t time & I'm lucky to be past it, to be able to live now, whereas others with medical issues will not improve. My condition will always be an issue but is manageable. I'm rebuilding.

@DoreenonTill8 I see what you mean. I would have been quite happy to have continued enjoying my life in the way that I was, for another 5 years. Then doing what my friends did.....partner, mortgage, babies.....that's the bit I missed!

I suppose it was never guaranteed that would have happened for me anyway(it's not guaranteed for anyone).

Try to look forward and not waste more time looking back with regret. What can you do over the next few weeks months and years to live a fulfilling life. Make the most and more of the time you have left.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible period in your life and I'm glad you finally got answers and have made a recovery.

At this point you have to focus on the future not the past.

You can't get those years back and you risk losing more years going back over them and making them your focus.

You are only in your 40s.
You have decades of life ahead of you to enjoy.

You lost so much time to illness. Why waste a second more?

Don't live in the past or you'll look back in the future and see not only the years illness laid you low but also all the years you wasted instead of enjoying because you were thinking about all the years illness prevented you from enjoying.

Make a list of things you want to do and start doing them.

I totally sympathise OP, it's heartbreaking to lose so much time to undiagnosed illness, especially one that could have been sorted so easily.

My DD had undiagnosed issues for 3 years, from 18 to 21, this time last year she was unable to get out of bed most days and I genuinely thought she wasn't going to survive.

She finally saw a specialist who diagnosed the problem in September and now a year later she is working again and making plans for the future. She still has flare ups but they are now manageable with the right medication.

Please try to get counselling, and give yourself time to grieve the lost years. Then gradually take time to decide what you want from your future.

You lost your 30s, but when you're 70 and look back you'll think your 40s was young too.

@vidflex I am actually so glad that you shared that. I can completely relate to how unfair it feels. And the rage! Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me that, I honestly am glad you are coming to terms with it and I really want you to have a good future.

I had to grow up very quickly too...age 12. Left home at 17. Went to uni as older woman.
Became ill, but im still ill and older than you. Im sorry , i know it batters your self esteem etc but you are still young and are better...get back on the horse. My illnesses are incurable.

I guessed half way through reading your post that you had picked up a parasite in the out of the way place where you holidayed. It happens all the time and wrecks your bowel.

You are right to be angry about your lack of medical investigation - honestly, someone coming back from a foreign place with the squits and abdominal pain should immediately be investigated for parasites/infections and treated.

Sometimes I wish that the phrase IBS had never been coined. It can be used as a trash bag for all sorts of things and a way of avoiding proper investigation. Makes me very cross.

I have a raft of medical problems (including heart) and fight every day with them. But I have developed a bloody-minded attitude that says I am buggered if I am going to let these define my life and hold me back.

Why should all your efforts go to waste because of this? Get some counselling and redefine how you look at this.

@smilingeleanor lol thank you! yes I'm not 80 and I need to remember that!

And also you are 100% correct. I had honestly become so hopeless with no answers about what was wrong and I felt I couldn't go on much longer ....literally felt suicidal. And honestly when I finally found out and got treatment I was so happy that I could feel healthy again and start living again ! I never thought it would happen! I'm sooooo glad!

I'm okay now. I just am sometimes amazed at what it feels like to not feel ill and hopeless every day!

Every now and again (like today!), I get upset and think why didn't I have this for so long!

But indeed, this thread and every single comment has helped me and reminded me of how grateful I am to be better and alive now! And I have ages left of my life for all kinds of things.

Thank you

Presumably your life now, like most people's, could be made better with lots of money.

Can you sue the doctor who misdiagnosed you?

How awful OP, so, so, so unfair.
I would try and re-frame this a bit. Youth is generally late teens and 20s not mid 30s early 40s.
Don't look at it as lost youth. It sounds like you had plenty of fun during your youth but you also achieved a great deal through determination regarding your professional life.
You must be made of stern stuff. Don't forget that.
If it is career achievement you want, there is absolutely no reason why you can't get it.
Concentrate on your health and look after yourself properly so that you can enjoy the years of maturity to your best advantage. You are at your strongest now at your current age.
Try and put this awful period behind you, you're through the other side now.
You may yet build a family life if this is something you want to try.

@MermaidMummy06 I totally get that. So many people didn't accept that I was unwell and treated me like I was lazy or thoughtless because I didn't have any real diagnosis! And now I'm better they do believe that I was unwell, my symptoms really affected aspects of my physical appearance....it is very clear to see the difference in how I look now, compared to then!

I am happy that I'm better. I was just having a massive wobble today.

Oh OP that's tough. I can understand how you'd feel bitter, but the way I see it you have 2 ways to act from here. You could grieve those 13 years and feel angry and resent it, or you can see the positive of the fact you are well now and what you can do from 45.

I don't want to dismiss what's happened, I agree counselling to come to terms with what was lost is a good idea, but I think focussing on that for too long will only rob you of the time you have now. I know you may not be able to do everything you once wanted to do, but having your health now at 45 is still a gift, a gift not everyone has and one you didn't think you had all that long ago, so what can you do with it? What new goals can you set?