I lost my youth too soon and I can't get over it

[worriedhidinginplainsight]

I've posted about this before under a different username. But I'm here again because I just feel so regretful and cheated. This is just a vent, I'm not looking for any particular advice....

....my younger years were rough due to growing up in a very dysfunctional family. I worked hard at school in the hope of a better life. My dreams didn't work out because I had to leave home at 17 without completing my ALevels. I spent 5 years going off the rails with parties, drugs and alcohol. I was very depressed.

I got myself together, did an access course, went to uni and started establishing a career. None of that was easy, but I was determined to. Due to my background I had developed an underlying mental health issue. I was not getting any treatment and was (just about) managing it...

....l was finally living! I loved my job, I had money to spend, I had lots of friends, my social life was great, I loved sports and exercise, I went on so many amazing holidays, everything was good. Better than it had ever been!

... then I went on holiday to a more off the beaten track place in a different continent. It was the best holiday of my life. I learned so much. I was honestly so naive about the rest of the world before that holiday

....when I got home I slowly started developing symptoms of an illness. The symptoms were fairly mild at first and diagnosed as ibs. Over the next 13 years the symptoms continued to develop until eventually I was in severe pain, exhausted, swollen, bloated and terrified. I could not get any help from doctors because it had been diagnosed as ibs. This happened between age 32 until I was 45. I gradually lost every single thing I had worked for, and I also failed to achieve what I had wanted, such as family, children, home.

It was difficult because I knew I was ill but no one would help. Every single day was a struggle to keep going. Also my mental health condition became unmanageable. While trying to cope with life in this situation I became vulnerable to harm and a lot of really bad traumatic things happened to me.

Last year the cause of my physical illness was discovered (I'm not going to say what it was), but I had basically contracted a parasite while on holiday at age 32. I had no idea. And it basically wiped out everything I had worked for and the next 13 years of my life.

I'm better now! The treatment was fairly simple . It's taken a while to recover my physical condition but I'm feeling good....

.... just cannot accept that one holiday took 13 years of my life. I'm better now, but I have virtually nothing left. I'm in my mid 40s now. All those years were taken from me. I am actually jealous of people who are enjoying themselves who are the age I was when I was unwell. I will never ever get my youth back. I'm absolutely gutted that this happened to me

... to practice acceptance and gratitude for what I have. But honestly I AM GUTTED that this happened to me

Glad you are feeling better for starting this thread OP. It's such a shame it happened but hope you can move forward with your life now you are better.

I too got a horrible bug when I went travelling. It got identified eventually back in the UK, when I mentioned I'd been in a tropical country off the beaten track, but it can and did cause a few long term issues, which at times I found (find) upsetting and limiting.

I feel your frustration. I know you’re not looking for advice…but would you consider going on a retreat? A treat and a reset, some of them are free or not so expensive if that’s a consideration.

https://www.wefreewomen.org

https://amaravati.org/retreat-centre/

https://www.sharphamtrust.org

https://www.freelygivenretreats.org

I believe this time could be the start of a really positive phase for you. 💐

Small steps to build your life back up again.

It may not be the life you envisaged but it's still your life and there are things you can do to gain contentment and happiness. But yes damn shame it wasn't diagnosed earlier.

That is so tragic @worriedhidinginplainsight , I really feel for you. You defeated adversity and made a life you loved and to lose that through no fault of your own, no wonder you are mourning.

But, there's a saying I read once and it's really poignant and useful and stops us thinking that because we lost something or didn't do something we never can,
: "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is today". You had a taste of what you wanted your life to be long term, and it was ripped away. But better to try and regain some positivity, some semblance of what makes you happy now than continue to mourn and allow that to blight your next few decades. Youth isn't the only time a human can thrive, although it's natural to miss it when it goes. Some of my best and most happy and energetic friends are in their 60s (I'm mid 30s), some are career changers later in life, some are building up after a divorce.

Now you're had that dreadful illness mitigated, I hope you can find ways to do what you did before and regain some of that joy :)

To add I know some part of how it feels to be misdiagnosed, because of a misdiagnosis my husband became infertile and we had to have ivf at great expense years later wiping away alot of our savings so I know the frustrating to some degree, and the injustice of ehat could have been. Best not to let it eat away though, or like pp said could pursue some sort of claim for closure.

@worriedhidinginplainsight , i think you just want to be heard. Your pain is obvious and totally justified. Its wrong and not fair that happened to you. Feeling really angry and really sad for yourself isnt wrong to me. You have every right to feel this way.

But try to claw back some of the drive and determination you clearly had in your younger days. And use it to fight back and give you energy again. You CAN enjoy the life you have now. Take it small steps at a time. Make small plans, they will grow into bigger plans naturally.

You sound amazing. Good luck!

Dont know where that angry face came from!!!

I just want to rewind my life to when I was 32 and live it again in a healthy body. My youth was taken away and I now emerge in my mid 40s back to normal health. Wtf! This is not okay!!

But you can't. It's happened - done. Thinking like that will only lead you into wasting the reminder of your years.

I know people with autoimmune diseases that are slowly taking everything away from them. I know people who've contracted illnesses and died (slow, debilitsting deaths) before they even reached mid 40s. You have another chance - take control of your life from hereon!

You'll need to effectively grieve the life you lost and counselling will help you do that in a healthy way. You've suffered terrible trauma in your life that needs to be acknowledged abd accepted and it deosnt sound like you're able to process this alone. Get the help and strive to enjoy life again - you're far too young not to!

Sorry to hear this OP.

I didn't really have a "youth" (I also grew up in a dysfunctional household) and I had a baby when I was 18 so that was it, I had to be a responsible adult straight away.

I appreciate it's different from your situation as I chose to continue with my pregnancy and you didn't choose to be ill.

All we can do really is live for now and spend time making up for it.

This is very sad, you must feel so bitter and resentful about a lot of things. I similarly had something which disrupted my childhood and something else which stole the years I should have been enjoying/marrying/having children. I'm so very resentful about the loss of the life I wanted to live, so I really sympathise with you.

I've had some counselling, I'm not at the moment but plan to have more. It will not fix things, or how you feel about things, but for me at least it's helping me come to a place of acceptance. (I'll never come to terms with not having children, I grieve for the children I didn't have, but I've come to accept it). I do recommend that, but don't be afraid to try a few different counsellors, you really need to feel comfortable with the right one for it to work.

Beyond that, try to think about what you can achieve. You previously started a career so you are able to do that again. Look for re-entry courses and jobs to go for. Contact previous colleagues, explain your situation, ask for help to get back into the career area. Most people are willing to help.
Try to get back into the sports you enjoyed previously. This will also bring you friendships. Set yourself some goals, challenges, steps that you can work towards and achieve.

Sending you a virtual hug and good wishes.

It's surprising how many of us have been halted in our tracks - I got a bit upset about it earlier in the week then shook myself down and applied for/got accepted on a refresher course which will help with confidence.

Plan something today @worriedhidinginplainsight, just one thing

It's normal to have bad days and it's good to just let yourself feel all those feelings. But you've not been robbed as such, this is your life. You had great struggles as a child and managed to overcome them which was great, then in your 30s you had great struggles again and have managed to physically heal and now have another shot in your mid 40s which is brilliant! You are a survivor who can overcome things. Almost all of us go through these things, sometimes I feel like I 'lost' parts of my youth to a bad relationship, but that was a huge part of my life and I'm past it now and am lucky enough to rebuild.

I no in your case it doesn't make up for no children etc if that's what you wanted, but career and travelling can all still be done.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry that happened.

I would feel so angry that your illness was not properly diagnosed. It was so unnecessary for you to have suffered all those years when simple treatment could have cleared it up.

I would be tempted to write a letter to the Dr, hospital, or GP practice that ‘diagnosed’ you, and tell them how badly the misdiagnosis has affected your life. Not in the interests of compensation but of being heard, having your say. There will always be misdiagnoses, but every time I have had any gastro symptoms ‘have you travelled abroad’ has been one of the first questions.

Meanwhile: I am 66. In the last 20 years of my life I have had a ball. No money, never had any money, but just enjoying friends, cheap travel, camping, taking advantage of opportunities etc. and I am still doing it and I still feel ‘youthful’. Youth is about age but it is also about a spirit of optimism, looking forward, seeing life as something to be built up, improved, explored.

I had to move house, new area, find new networks and friends, my job was lost to the pandemic, and it was really hard.

It can be done, and you are the best person to do it because your history of fantastic reliance and determination has demonstrated the person you are. Your description of your early life is an inspiration of reliance and triumph over adversity. That’s who you are, and you deserve to celebrate that.

Surely part of accepting of what happened is to realise it could have been worse. Illness is just something that happens in life, it’s better to look at the pluses?

Massive sympathy op. It must be so hard to deal with because people will keep saying “but you’re ok now”

im 35. Had a difficult start in life and I felt like I was finally getting pieces sorted out. I dealt with a lot of my past issues, got a job I can cope with and an autism diagnosis that explains why I couldn’t cope before and that helped me with a lot of self acceptance and understanding of how I needed to tweak my life. I even finally found a treatment that worked for my compulsive hair pulling and found a release in exercise for mental health in general.

the autism diagnosis was March and then I got diagnosed with cancer in May. It all feels very unfair. I’m starting chemo soon and all anyone can focus on is the odds of survival (which are fantastic- I’m not scared of dying!) but all I see is the long term effects of the hormone treatment I will need to be on. I won’t list them but basically I expect to feel 20 years older than I am. And that’s presuming I don’t get any of the more scary side effects! I am quite worried at how I will cope in short term without my only “healthy” coping mechanism (exercise) but long term I’m so sad at the idea of having a body that doesn’t work as well as it used to. It feels very unfair.

im sorry I don’t have any advice. The obvious answer is to look forward and think about what you want to do with the time you have but if it was that easy im sure you would have done it already! It must be very hard knowing it would have all been sorted with correct diagnosis.

I disagree. Pushing it off as it could have been worse is not acknowledging that actually, yeah this situation was shit. The acknowledgment is part of the route to accepting.

if someone was mourning would you tell them to look on the bright side and that at least their whole family isn’t dead?

@aodirjjd there needs to be a balance, addressing and dealing with it, but not dwelling on it for too long. Grief can consume you if you don't get to a point of acceptance, whatever is the cause of that grief.

What's the regret that bothers you the most, is it not having a family? Most people aren't out enjoying life in their 30s, they are flat out exhausted having babies and pursuing careers and saving to buy homes. But they are the years where you invest in your life and reap rewards later, with a nice stable life and family. It sounds like that's what's happened here, you are at a stage where your peers have put in those years when you couldn't and now you are left at a different stage of life. I can imagine that's very difficult. Try to consider that these stability things are huge responsibilities that you don't have and open many opportunities and options for you that your peers don't have. Try to reframe it, you have so much ahead of you.

That’s such a hard thing to come to terms with. Is there any way you can use or transform it - if you work with other people with any mental or physical challenges it will give you a depth and insight that many professionals don’t have, if you work creatively (or create as a hobby) then you can work out your own way of dealing with the loss in a way that can also help others understand or find comfort, or would you want to address where your medical care let you down and talk to your mp, local trust, medical students or a newspaper about it (although that last one can also lead to frustrations). I find the ‘wounded healer’ archetype a really powerful way to deal with regret and loss face on while looking for the ways it gives you something unique to contribute now. And while your own situation is a rare situation, there will be many people who know what it’s like to lost years to an abusive relationship or to their own or someone else’s mental health problems, or other kinds of physical illness or accident. Hopefully you can find people who will feel like community and feel less isolated with it. Given what you managed to do before, I’m sure you will find your way through to a happier place, it’s just unfair that you have to.

Acceptance doesn’t mean being grateful it wasn't worse though. Acceptance to me looks like acknowledging a shit thing happened and you can’t do anything to change it you can only change how you deal with it now.

I can see why this is such a difficult thing to come to terms with, but I think you need to focus on what things you can still do, which you wouldn't have been able to had you not got better.

You still have a good 20 years of work ahead of you, so you absolutely still have time to build your career, you can still find love, and buy a house, and travel. These things haven't been taken away from you. Having a child is the one thing that is more tricky, but there might still options. You might be able to adopt for example. However, you should also recognise that there are many, many advantages to not having children.

Some people lose years of their life to bad relationships. You don't know that your life would have been any different now if you had not been ill.

@aodirjjd I suppose so, gratitude looks different to different people. I personally think gratitude is a really important path to acceptance and happiness, and whilst you don't necessarily want to suggest someone should be grateful they didn't have a "worse" condition during that time, encouraging gratitude towards the health the OP has now and focussing on the art of the possible rather than what is lost, is probably a healthy and realistic path to happiness.

It's about language I think. Saying "oh at least you didn't have x, y z" will get anyone's back up, but reframing it as "but look you can do x, y and z now in the future" is a positive outlook I think. But it needs to be felt and seen from within, it's frustrating to be told that by others who have not experienced the same I agree!

Sounds hard and a source of loss/grief.

She wants to grieve a bit.

And she should.