Uninviting friend from a holiday

[ladyee]

Please can someone help how to navigate this awkward situation I’ve made?

A few months ago, I asked a friend if she and her long term partner would be keen to go on a long haul trip with me and dh. It’d be a week’s villa holiday in the Mauritius. She was super keen but her partner wasn’t because of the cost. She said she wanted to come even if her partner didn’t. Then she and her partner split up.

So I kind of left the idea there as dh didn’t want a holiday with a couple and a single person.

Fast forward to today, another couple we are friendly with have asked if we fancied a week long villa holiday to Barbados, in the same month we were thinking about Mauritius. We said yes and booked to go with them.

Now I’ve realised how mean this will look to the original friend. Dh doesn’t want to extend the invite to OG friend because she doesn’t know the other couple.

I’m a total bitch aren’t I?

Have you even made any reservations to go to Mauritius? It seems as though it's been quite a while since you've talked to her about going.

Does she think you're still going on the original holiday together? Or that you will be going somewhere together?

If the original idea was formally cancelled then I don't think you're a bitch.

I don’t know if she thinks if we’re still going somewhere. She said she was definitely keen when we originally spoke about it, saying she’d happily go anywhere.

If she has said that she would go anywhere.. then yes quite mean .

Is she a very strange or difficult person ? Otherwise the 'can't invite as doesn't know the others " is a bit weak. .. and sounds like she is being sidelined because she is single and doesn't suit your and partners 'couplely vibe' .. which is a bit sad.

Yes if I was friend I would be pretty hacked off.

Could you not invite her over to meet your other friends. ?

Yes that is fair. I wanted to get them over for drinks together but dh is pretty firm that he doesn’t think it fair on the other couple to invite this person too.

Single friend is not difficult at all to get along with but I do think there might be a personality clash.

Your DH is right, you can't add people to the booked holiday without getting agreement from everyone before you start instigating meetings.

Just talk to your original friend, say nothing had progressed around Mauritius and your DH made parallel arrangements with another couple. Then offer to do something the two of you, and get something booked.

Then stop digging!

It doesn’t matter whether she’s the most adorable person on the planet, you don’t get to add her to an already-booked holiday without the say so of the other people going, and it would be pretty presumptuous to even ask. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if friends I’d already finalised plans with wanted to invite someone on holiday with us.

Just tell her you’ve made other plans for this year as the Mauritius plan didn’t progress. Try if possible to leave out the fact that the reason those plans didn’t progress is that your DH only wanted to go on holiday with her when she was in a couple.

Agree with your DH. Would message and say something else has come up so Mauritius isn't on the cards anymore but soften the blow by offering to do a girls trip just the two of you. Maybe have a look first and go with a couple of ideas and rough prices so she knows your serious.

How definite was the conversation? Were you looking at villas and flights, or was it just chat? Was her partner there at the time?

I would just say that you assumed
the trip was was off because of her break-up and you took the invite from someone else. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

Do you actually need to tell her about the other holiday or will she notice that you're away?

Just tell her the truth - you’d never actually booked Mauritius and then you were invited to Barbados by some friends instead.

Could she go with you and the other couple?

Its awful to have planned it. Not told her her then planned with someone else frankly

Personally goung awag woth other people never quite works out as you imagine

So she went through a relationship break up and you, her friend, dropped her from your holiday plans because as a single person she has somehow lost her social value, but you didn't bother telling her and now you've booked to go on holiday with another couple?

Hopefully while you were doing all that, she was finding some better friends.

Yeah do this

Phwoar okay

That's what it is going to feel like if you don't handle this carefully

Do people not honestly see the difference here? Going as 2 couples you can choose to have time/meals on your own. But adding a third person on their own means that you can't just decide to go for a walk together or an early night as you'll need to consider the single person also. It's not mean, just reality.

Oh I really feel for her. As PP said that is exactly how she will feel. You all agreed to go away together. She made it clear she wanted to go even if her partner didn’t go. She also said she’d be happy to go wherever you chose.
You and your partner decided you didn’t want her on her own. But you haven’t told her that!! You have now booked your holiday with another couple instead. I’d be incredibly hurt.
You should have been honest to start with that you were after a couples holiday only.

Could all be cleared up with better communication but as things stand I think you are behaving unkindly by not updating your friend and offering a trip with her- maybe 1-1 instead. She’s obviously having a tough time and you’re not behaving well/fairly based on what you’ve said.

So you are going to drop her like a hot potato now that she is single and been through the upset of a break up. Some friend you are!

I speak as someone who is widowed - being dropped from invitations, meals, outings is par for the course. Us single women are like social outcasts. Life is set up for couples.

Of course we see the difference. But she's dropped her friend because she's single.

That's what you've done though. Totally shitty.

Of course, but they didn't even tell her and have now booked with someone else! That's the awful part.

I don’t think that’s fair, they still wouldn’t have done the holiday with just her, even if she was still with her partner.