Uninviting friend from a holiday

[ladyee]

Please can someone help how to navigate this awkward situation I’ve made?

A few months ago, I asked a friend if she and her long term partner would be keen to go on a long haul trip with me and dh. It’d be a week’s villa holiday in the Mauritius. She was super keen but her partner wasn’t because of the cost. She said she wanted to come even if her partner didn’t. Then she and her partner split up.

So I kind of left the idea there as dh didn’t want a holiday with a couple and a single person.

Fast forward to today, another couple we are friendly with have asked if we fancied a week long villa holiday to Barbados, in the same month we were thinking about Mauritius. We said yes and booked to go with them.

Now I’ve realised how mean this will look to the original friend. Dh doesn’t want to extend the invite to OG friend because she doesn’t know the other couple.

I’m a total bitch aren’t I?

Well i don’t know this lady but in her position I’d be happy sunbathing and reading my book while you went and did your “ romantic walks on the beach / whatever”. Its pretty offensive the way she’s been dropped because she’s now single - almost like she has no value herself. Let’s hope you never find yourself single / widowed OP.

I think it all depends how far you got with the Mauritius conversation?

I'm with those who say it's pretty crap the way you have treated her. I'm not sure why it's so necessary to do things just with couples.

When we go away, we go with all sorts of singles, families, couples etc. Depends on who fancies going.

You aren’t dumping her from the holiday - you started discussing a holiday that didn’t happen. Then you have planned to go on another holiday.

can you afford another girls trip? Not long haul but suggest as the villa holiday thing didn’t happen, would she like to go away with just you for a long weekend somewhere? Or try Mauritius next year (if you can afford two long haul in a row)

You need to talk to her. It really surprises me that someone who is good enough friends that you'll discuss going on a hugely expensive holiday with isn't a good enough friend to talk to about this.

I'd probably ask if she wants to do something else with you.

Barbados is a fab place for singles, I bet if she was hallowed to along would make some great new friends. I think dropping her... you say she's your friend, now she's single is really shitty too. Tell her where you are going, if she wants to go she can book it. Be that nice friend, or expect the friendship to end. I bet she's not keen on your DH as much as you are and will probably leave you most of the time to yourselves. All the same nice to be included and travel with people you know when single and recently broken up with someone. I hope you don't split from your DH and get isolated from couple events.

This is the best piece of advice on the thread. Your friend is bound to feel a bit let down, but all you can really do is say “I’m genuinely sorry; I just thought Mauritius would be a non-starter given your split, plus we hadn’t talked about it in so long”.

For me, the only thing that would soften this would be if this couple were friends of your dh and he wanted the two of you to go away with them, and then you could arrange for a separate girls only trip with your friend.

Would you consider inviting the first friend if she also brought along he girlfriend, sister or a new boyfriend?

It is complicated when couples go on holidays with a single person as it is then hard to have some private couple time without one person being left alone (and potentially in danger) in a foreign country.

Having girly outings would be fine as would doing things all in one group but if couple time is important to you then your single friend will feel like the third wheel without a friend.

I actually think it was unfair of her to suggest she come alone to your couples holiday originally.

I wouldn't want to go ok holiday as a throuple and can see why your husband wouldn't want to either. We regularly go away with couple friends but I would find the dynamics difficult with just one.

You should have been straight with her at the time. You wanted to do a couples holiday - when she said that she'd happily come along solo because her now-ex didn't fancy it, then you should have said there and then.

My guess is that you felt it was easier to leave it, rather than have a potentially awkward conversation. But by kicking the can down the road it's now 100x more awkward.

If she's a friend that you want to keep, then you need to be honest with her.

How far did you go in planning this trip with her?
Was it on a stage : let’s go together next summer
Or was it: we are booking annual leave for these dates and leave on Friday.

The pp's right though. Granted your dp is the one primarily being the arse here, but you could have read him the riot act. Glad I'm not your "friend" knowing how ephemeral your friendships are.

I think @bergamotorange has suggested the best way forward. As you don’t say how far the initial plans went, I’m assuming you didn’t get as far as holding dates in diaries and looking at flight times/villa availability as a trio (not couples).

The original idea would have a certain dynamic, a single person joining a couple would be a different dynamic. Personally not my idea of a great holiday (in the couple I would worry we might be leaving the single person out and want to modify how we behaved, as the single person I would worry the couple would feel obliged to act differently as they usually would to make me feel included) but I appreciate others would be perfectly happy with that.

The Mauritius plan didn’t get very far, just a rough estimation of costs and sometime in November. We looked at a villa or two to try and encourage my friend’s ex to come.

I don’t think YABU this is a completely different trip with different people! You can’t just invite her, if I was the other couple I would be fuming and it would change the whole dynamic.

If it hasn’t been mentioned since then I simply wouldn’t mention it. If she mentions it because you’re going away just say you got invited to something else so booked that as your plans never made it properly off the drawing board. Maybe offer to do a girls weekend away with her?

Sounds like it's not so much you, but your DH who is being rather a bitch about it. And you're going along with him.
Why is he so horrified by a single woman being on a group holiday with you?

As Pp mentioned I would be honest with her you owe her that hopefully this other couple your going away with our your DHs friends more so perhaps that might lessen the blow to your friends confidence.

Does sound like your DH has an issue with your friend more than your letting on thank god my best friends never kicked me to the kerb when I was single and she and her partner now DH never excluded me from events and days out heck even holidays just because someone is single doesn't mean they want to be glued to your side 24/7 as others have mentioned some of us are very content doing our own thing and also not feeling the pressure of being around.

I just thought Mauritius would be a non-starter given your split why on earth would you say that?

Could you afford to book a cheap weekend away with your friend, just the 2 of you? That might soften the blow about the couples holiday.

Just tell her that the Mauritius idea is off. (Not got round to planning it - clearly true - DH not keen - also true but not for the same reasons). Let her know about this asap so that she can think of another hol.

Then in due course say you were invited on a different trip.

You absolutely cannot accept an invitation to join ANOther couple and then introduce a third person they don’t know into the mix. Not even if you introduce them over drinks etc. Countless threads on MN complaining about people who do this.

but all you can really do is say “I’m genuinely sorry; I just thought Mauritius would be a non-starter given your split, plus we hadn’t talked about it in so long”.

Gaslighting and dishonest.

Couldn’t you both arrange a trip just for you and her? A short city break or something? Then you can spend some time together and make plans for something long haul next year. It wasn’t your responsibility alone to organise the Mauritius trip, surely if she was that bothered, she would have been actively trying to sort it with you.

i would feel awkward too, but I don’t think you have done anything wrong and it’s not so much her being a single person, sometimes mixing groups is challenging in itself and the people who are the “glue” then feel responsible for everyone’s happiness and can become a target if things don’t pan out.

Why?

Single people don't need to be looked after you know!

Why wouldn’t you? What would be better - saying “I know you said you’d come without your partner anyway, but my husband would rather wash his bollocks in Vim than have you as a third wheel”?