If you're visiting your sister from abroad

[visiting12]

I've visited my sister today with my dh and one dc. We live abroad and come back once a year (mostly; skipped a couple of years during covid, etc).
We don't stay with them or anything. Just arrived at their city today, called to say will do so days in advance, and we're there today at 5pm. She and her husband had us on the balcony, served coffee (at six pm!) and offered chocs. There wasn't anything else.

I can't help but think if my relatives were coming from so far I would've made more effort.
They never visit us in the country we live as never have spare money (due to poor budgeting imo).
I feel a bit unloved by her atm and it makes me sad. They also didn't have a small surprise for dc or anything. We brought treats and a plant.

They never visit us in the country we live as never have spare money (due to poor budgeting imo)
Ouch! Tad judgemental!Depends where you live!

Are you visiting her for her or for food and presents? Your sister clearly isn't the most gracious host in the world, and there may be financial reasons for that, but she is who she is, and I'm betting she's always been like this.

Your choice is to take her or leave her. You can choose to focus on her positive attributes or you can focus on the negative and her lack of hosting skills. Up to you.

Did you say let's have dinner, or do you want to go out etc? Or did you just assume they would host you with a few days notice?

So, they're not particularly well off at the moment, and you know this. But you don't feel "particularly loved" by her because she hasn't bought and prepared you a feast or forked out for your kid a surprise?

Maybe she can't afford it? Did she know you were expecting a dinner and gifts on your arrival?

As children we grew up in a family that was often struggling financially. But our parents have always made sure their guests had a good time, were fed.

We didn't go for the food. But we didn't feel welcomed. We could've shared some of the treats we brought in just so we are not all sitting around an empty table?

I didn't notice it last year as we all went to a pizza place and me and dh paid the bill. Not sure re the years before... certainly something getting worse with time.

They both have good jobs. No young dc at home. They never travelled. (They do complain of not having enough money. Yes, I'm a bit judgey re their money issues.)

I posted as I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive/ having unreasonable expectations.
So I genuinely appreciate all comments - thanks.

In guessing that your sister is a bit jealous of your lifestyle as it seems that she went to zero effort? Some sandwiches and a decent cake wouldn't have broken the bank. I'd suggest lowering your expectations, going out again next time and foot the bill. At least you would have dinner.

Coffee at 6 is fine. At 8 i would have said lets go and get some food

You only told them a few days in advance? And this was "told them" rather than had some extensive conversations about spending some time together? They weren't involved in the decision for them to be there that day?

If this was me and my sister this situation couldn't have arisen in the first place. We'd have been whatsapping about it before the travel tickets were bought/hotel booked, with the visiting sister checking that the dates didn't clash with anything and the other sister would have time available. We'd have planned together a few days of activities. The visiting sister would be offering to take everyone out to dinner as a treat.

Maybe I've misunderstood you but if I was informed with with a few days notice that someone was visiting me on a particular evening, if I'd already done my fortnight's food shop I wouldn't be expecting to feed them. If my own sister did this to me I would assume that she wasn't that bothered about seeing me and was just giving me a take-it-or-leave-it spare slot of time in a busy schedule, so a bit of a slap in the face frankly.

The nasty judgementalism about your sister being poorer than you due to her own fault makes you seem not very pleasant either.

Why would they have a surprise for your DC?

TBH there’s family who live abroad in mine too. They do seem to think they’re gracing us with the second coming when they come home. The reality is it’s usually a weeknight for us and we still have the usual clubs, work, homework, bathtime, whereas they’re on holiday and looking for dinners, drinks etc.

Are you visiting her for her or for food and presents?

^

Oh come on

It's common hospitality to offer a meal

Fwiw op I live abroad and went back to visit UK family in June

My parents were welcoming, we stayed with them for two weeks (!) but my brother and sil weren't as warm as I'd have hoped. All that money and vacation time off from work.

It's disappointing

She knows you judge her and treated you accordingly.

I'd be like, ' hi sis, we'll be with you about 6 on Thursday, what do you want to do for tea? Shall we sort ourselves out / share a takeaway / all go out for something etc.?'

We live in a different country to our families.

Firstly we would never give them 'days' notice that we were coming back for a visit, it would be weeks at a minimum

Secondly we would never expect them to host us, although it's lovely if they invite us for dinner or whatever. A trip back 'home' is treated as a holiday so we have the budget for eating out, visiting attractions etc just as if we were anywhere else.

It was our choice to move, so we don't expect anyone to move mountains for us when we go back. On the other hand if someone makes the effort to come and visit us we do have them over for dinner / take them out / ferry them around as again, it was our choice to move, and visits are appreciated.

@OpizpuHeuvHiyo we do WhatsApp everyday. She knew our whole itinerary and we knew their days off. There was constant communication.

Re this

The visiting sister would be offering to take everyone out to dinner as a treat.

We have done that but I'm still wondering WHY we need to take them to dinner? Genuine question.
We have already travelled to meet all the family in various locations spending a lot of money to do that. We are not expecting a feast but to be treated as a family visiting one day a year.

Why only 'days' notice and why dictate your limited availability? You're clearly not close.

If it was my sister, we'd be in regular contact and have made plans to meet up from the date the flights were booked. If it was agreed to meet at 5pm would you not have a discussion about your evening plans together? I'd never assume someone was hosting my family for dinner, and why on earth would they buy your DC a present?!

Why would they have a surprise for your DC?

She sees her nephew once a year. No christmases, no birthdays together. When their children were still at home I always brought presents.

Look - I understand you op.

It would be lovely if your sister showed a tiny bit of excitement that you are home.

It would be lovely if she made a little fuss over you seeing as you are away most of the time.

It would be lovely if your sister made a little effort with your child - just to show that family is important and that she cares.

I do that for db.

You are not wrong. It is a little hurtful.

DH has family who live in USA, when they visit I have always cooked food/taken them for meals/days out. It's what you do for family. I'd be upset that my sister didn't bother to serve up some sandwiches or a few pizzas, 6pm to me is dinner time especially with kids! I wouldn't expect them to have bought presents/treats for DC though.

She is probably resentful that you moved away and doesn’t want to spend her money travelling overseas to visit you.
Hse is trying to sent a message which is why should I roll out the red carpet for you?

I’m sure her behaviour was deliberate and designed to tell you that she is upset / angry with you.

You're not a part of their lives it would seem and it reads like you invited yourself. Maybe they just couldn't be bothered having to host visitors and don't feel that connected anymore.
The dc present expectation is not reasonable so I would totally let that go as a gripe.

You could have said don't feel you need to go to any effort we'll bring some pizzas- I do this if I feel like its a bit of a favour.

Yes it wasn't great hosting but some people don't care much about that.

“ I'd never assume someone was hosting my family for dinner”

But why wouldn’t you? It is family for goodness sake.

“why on earth would they buy your DC a present?!”

Because she is the child’s aunt and the child once a year? It would be thoughtful!

@visiting12 you are contradicting yourself. You could only have been in "constant communication" as well as "giving them days notice" if you only decided to come and only booked the tickets a few days before. I could only respond based on what's in your OP. If you are now completely changing your story then I'm not sure that's very respectful of the people here offering you advice, to change the story to see what different responses you get.

As for why you offer the meal out, it's because you invited yourselves, as far as could be understood from what's in your original opening post. It's basic decency that you don't spend other people's money for them, so step one is you offering so that you aren't imposing. If they can afford to, they have the option to say "absolutely we'll have dinner but let's go dutch" or "but let us host you for dinner here one of the nights" but if they don't then that's ok. They make their own decisions and you don't know what other stuff they might be dealing with.

Did they ask you to come at 5pm/ dc dinner time or was that the time you said you were getting there? If the later I would have brought meal food as its wasn't their idea.