If you're visiting your sister from abroad

[visiting12]

I've visited my sister today with my dh and one dc. We live abroad and come back once a year (mostly; skipped a couple of years during covid, etc).
We don't stay with them or anything. Just arrived at their city today, called to say will do so days in advance, and we're there today at 5pm. She and her husband had us on the balcony, served coffee (at six pm!) and offered chocs. There wasn't anything else.

I can't help but think if my relatives were coming from so far I would've made more effort.
They never visit us in the country we live as never have spare money (due to poor budgeting imo).
I feel a bit unloved by her atm and it makes me sad. They also didn't have a small surprise for dc or anything. We brought treats and a plant.

Oh and we'd never buy gifts for overseas visitors because we'd assume every inch/gram of baggage allowance would be accounted for. Any gifts, if we were in the habit of exchanging them, would be at normal times Christmas/birthday sent to their home address.

Just to clarify

We are in regular contact, WhatsApp daily. She knew about our trip as it was being booked. We always come same time of the year as is convenient for all of the family.

We gave them days in advance confirmation as to when exactly we will be in their city.

It's the weekend. She's my sister.

This is not about expecting a whole meal, let alone a feast.

You decided to move abroad. It's v self absorbed of you to expect the red carpet just because you decided to take a trip back to the UK. Furthermore, your derisive attitude towards her is quite clear on here so I'm not surprised that she was not enthused at the idea of your visit and just wanted to do the minimum.

I think you’ve had some harsh responses,OP.
If my sibling was visiting from abroad, of course I’d give them food and drink, even if it was a weekday and I was working and I’d already done my shopping!
Are people actually saying that sticking to their normal routine is more important than spending quality time with family? And realistically, who can’t rustle up pasta and salad at short notice, or squeeze in an extra shop when they know days in advance that there will be visitors?
As for visiting children, isn’t it normal to slip them cash or sweets or something, especially if you owe them Christmas presents?
OP, your sister seems quite weird, but only you will know whether is down an issue with you personally or something else ( controlling husband? Anxiety about guests?).

To me it's not about what she offered you, food or drink etc., or whether she bought a present for your child. These are all material signs, but the only thing that I would have been bothered about was if she seemed happy to see me and if we interacted normally when we met up.

Maybe they're just not fussed about seeing you?.

You decided to move abroad. It's v self absorbed of you to expect the red carpet...

The red carpet? OP simply expected that her sister would be happy to see her, and at least offer a snack.

Jeeze, when my late husband's cousins visit from Australia (their decision to emigrate long ago) l invite them to stay, feed them well and take them out. I can't imagine my DDs doing any less for each other, if one had moved countries.

I find so many posts on this thread bizarre. It's OP's sister!

Yeah it was very poor of them. Bizarre. They were hosting you and you had come to visit them, at some expense.

Shoddy behaviour on their part.

You're not being oversensitive.

They were clearly expecting you and your H to take them all out for pizza as you did the previous year.

Well said.

I often wonder if some posters here were raised by wolves - there seems so little knowledge or experience of normal human behaviour.

If you can’t be arsed to welcome your own family with food and celebration what is the bloody point? Coffee and chocs? They embarrassed themselves. It should have been wine and nibbles followed by a nice meal, take away if necessary and why wouldn’t she want to buy a small gift for her nephew? Did she forget how to be an actual human being?
If I’m a bit ranty it’s because I also travelled across the world to visit my sister, invited, she chipped in for the airfares and then after I’d arrived and she’d shown me round, she stuck her face in her phone and hardly spoke another word for two weeks! Didn’t want to go out, show me the sights, nothing. I felt very unloved and will not be visiting her ever again.
So yeah, OP, I totally get your pain.

She was rude and odd. If that was me my sister would be so excited to see me, she would probs have enough food for the whole street 😂

Your OP suggests you feel superior to your sister. Is it possible she's aware of this and just isn't arsed? Are you close?

Maybe she just doesn't like you very much 😅

And from the tone of some of what you've said it's not all that surprising. Expecting your kid to get a gift off someone who he's clearly not close with just because they're related is a bit grabby.

I think first night the hosting family should have offered dinner, though why wasn't this discussed beforehand? Not sure why one would expect the visitors to take them out - after all who has done all the travelling? If you were staying absolutely take them out and and share the grocery bills, but you aren't staying with them.
I still don't see why they should give your kid a gift though (and you should have brought a couple bottles wine as a gift to them).

@Sparrowball superior? I imagine if I were I wouldn't be admitting that even to myself.

They earn good money, they say don't have money. They don't have dependents.
I had to listen to some of their rants today and Im cross to be honest. I just want her to be happy and to be able to enjoy her life more. Would love her to visit me, holiday with me somewhere halfway...

But yeah, Im not a perfect person and im being very honest on here, it being an anonymous forum.

It was the tone of your post. I know posts can easily be misinterpreted, but your sister's behaviour was odd.

Are you close, or at least as close as your think? Could your sister be resentful for something that you think was resolved? Does your brother in law like you/do you like him? Do they like children?

I don't expect you to answer these on thread, but maybe reflect and see if there's a reason your sister was so cold. I do find it odd and I would be hurt too.

To add to the above, maybe they could afford to travel but don't want to, or simply aren't bothered with travel and holidays. Some people's worlds are very small.

I have a little sister.

You moved to another country so I don’t think you can expect them to travel to see you, no matter how much money they may have. That is the risk you take when you move away.

In your daily chats did you not discuss plans about what you would do when you met up.

Do you think your sister wanted to go out, would she like to travel to see you but her partner not so keen

You turn up and impose yourself on them at "days" notice, and are nasty about their life style?

She puts up with this (I wouldn't) and still is kind enough to invite you in and put her life on hold to have a cup of coffee with you?

They have their own life (which you are quite nasty about) - you are not part of it. Your visits are probably at best an inconvenience and at worst an ordeal they just have to grit their teeth and get through.

You say you feel "unloved" by her - but why should she love you? You are quite nasty about her! and very demanding.

I totally get you OP

I had this from my brother and his wife, when we travelled to visit they could spare one hour at a very particular time of day, though I checked dates with them months beforehand.

They offered absolutely nothing though we came straight from airport ( to suit their hour requirement).

My young child had to ask for a glass of water. Even that didn’t prompt them to offer a flipping cup of coffee.

My brother didn’t bother speaking to my kids either and just went on about his own life like he was the only one that matters.

I conclude he doesn’t give a crap about me or my kids and have no time for him since.

it’s really hurtful. But the reality is we mean nothing to these siblings.

My parents have a lot to answer for, raising such a narcissistic twat!

I understand, OP.
I have a brother like that.
I was driving my husband’s car up the freeway to another city when it just blinked off - stopped in the middle of nowhere.
I drifted over to the side of the road and looked. There were what looked like manufacturing plants off to the right, but barbed wire fences. There were 3 lanes of traffic going north, oleanders in the middle and 3 more lanes of traffic going south.
It was pre-internet.
Suddenly, my friend (& brother’s secretary) stopped. She coincidentally was driving by.
She was in my brother’s truck and used his car phone to tell him she was rescuing me.
His response? ”I don’t give a shit. Leave her there. I need you in the office.”
Yeah, I don’t get it either, @visiting12— And people think when they read your post or my post that we must’ve done something to deserve it.
Heavy sigh.

This is just a bit mad, really

the OP hoped her sister had some care and affection for her. Just like I hoped my brother had some care for me. We were wrong.

this poster thinks it’s an imposition and ‘putting her life on hold’ to offer the sister from
abroad a coffee?

I presume this poster has no friends nor any comprehension of normal human connections to make such bizarre statements