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Original poster

Life has ground to a halt

65 replies

DivertedTraffic · 09/08/2024 08:04

I feel as though my life has grind to a halt. I have always been a passive person mainly because I am a people pleaser and haven't wanted to upset other people or feel like I've forced my will on them. I had cancer in 2019 and needed a very major operation. I have seen people with the same cancer die, but I have been lucky although it has affected my life as regards the amount of stamina and energy I have. I should be celebrating a new lease of life, and making the most of the rest of my life but I feel instead that life has shut down.

There are so many things that I would like to do. For example I watched the Olympic mountain bike race and thought "that is something that I'd like to try" , I'd like to go to a restaurant and eat Sushi which I love, go away for a city break. Just little things like that really. But I have no one to go with. No one seems interested in doing the things that I'd like to do - my husband, my sister, my friends, they're all people who don't want to leave the house to do anything. They're Ok if you want to spend an afternoon drinking coffee with them but nothing else. I'm bored and frustrated.

Surgeons gave me a new lease of life and I'm squandering it, but I don't know how to move forward.

OP posts:
Copernicus321 · 09/08/2024 08:09

Find a local walking group.

Kitjo · 09/08/2024 08:12

I too am a cancer survivor and this is nothing like a 'reset' - would it be possible for you to consider joining some local groups or activities eg a fun rock choir, a yoga class, walking group or book club etc depending on your interests? Possibly do a course in something where you will be stimulated and meet like minded people. There is a whole world out there.... grasp every minute Smile

Berga · 09/08/2024 08:13

I promise you, you don't need anyone to go with. You want to go eat sushi? Do it! Go on a city break? Go alone! Ride a bike? Get one and go!

surprisedactually · 09/08/2024 08:13

do you have children?

DrRiverSong · 09/08/2024 08:14

You have to JFDI. Join some groups, just get out. Try a few until you find where you belong but please don’t wait for others. You do you. Go eat the sushi!

duende · 09/08/2024 08:23

Oh op! I’d not go mountain biking but if I lived closer, I’d take you out for a nice sushi!

I second what others have suggested already. Join some groups. Get yourself out there.

But also- do lovely things by yourself. I split from my long term partner in January and I do a lot of things that bring me joy by myself. Walks, galleries, coffee places, cinema.

Enjoy the little pleasures in life ❤️

surprisedactually · 09/08/2024 08:25

have you said all this to those close to you?

if they love you, i can’t fathom how they wouldn’t go to sushi with you? or a weekend away

showeringthisaft · 09/08/2024 08:38

firecrestmtb.com/

Mountain biking for beginners OP! See if there's something you can access in your area.

You don't say how old you are but download the meet up app - search for groups in your area (it's not a dating app, just friendship/hobby groups)

Have a look at some group holidays - we've been on ramble worldwide walking holidays and it's been a total mix of singles and couples. There are many holiday companies you could try.

I would start by making a list of things you really fancy doing - starting with the small ones like trying sushi. I'd just put a shout out on fb or WhatsApp "I'd love to go to a sushi restaurant- is anyone up for going with me?" and take it from there.

showeringthisaft · 09/08/2024 08:39

I forgot to add - if your friends are all stay home types, you need to make some new ones!

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2024 08:40

Go alone. It's great.

Scarletrunner · 09/08/2024 08:44

I would say a priority is to get fit.
Do anything, yoga, running, biking etc
Then you are free to do whatever comes along.

olpo · 09/08/2024 09:12

Start with the activity, and you will find people who want to do it with you.

You don't say where you are, but you will probably find loads of outdoorsy (hiking, cycling) groups for women the same age as you on Facebook or Meetup.

I am going to my very first MTB lesson tomorrow! Find your local trail centre and there's probably a women-only (or mixed) beginner session. Just do it.

GOODCAT · 09/08/2024 09:16

Get a bike. I got one nearly two years my husband has recently done the same.

Invite people out for sushi. If you are working ask your colleagues.

What made me change my approach was when some relatives visited and the youngest child insisted she go swimming. Everyone went and enjoyed it. I now channel my inner child when pleasing others was not a factor! I now swim regularly too.

Please don't settle for a half life. You sound fab and adventurous, go and enjoy!

WhiteLily1 · 09/08/2024 09:23

i know what you mean OP about people not wanting to do things. So many friends and my DH just want to be at home all the time or a walk round the block.
There is so much to explore out there!
Reading with interest to find out about how to find groups to do things with. Not sure where to look on Fb and similar to find the right people!

DreadPirateRobots · 09/08/2024 09:25

As PP said - you need to join some groups, but you also need to get out there and do some things on your own.

Book a solo city break. Take yourself for the sushi. Sign up for the mountain biking - you'll meet some people there.

Sparrowball · 09/08/2024 09:52

How about going on a solo city break to somewhere with a great sushi restaurant?

There's no point sitting at home waiting on others to join you, just get out and do it! There's a lot to do and see on a city break, spend the day exploring, have your dinner with a book, a bath or shower back in your accommodation, then an early night and up early the next morning for more exploring.

I'm single and child free, so either go it alone or sit at home. I always use the hop on, hop off bus tours as a starting point and it helps me get my bearings. People working at tourist attractions chat to you when you're on your own and give you advice on what to see and do. It's terrifying on your first trip, but brilliant once you get there. Look into a mountain biking group locally too. You've already climbed a metaphorical mountain in your cancer journey so seize life with both hands and get out there.

Original poster
DivertedTraffic · 10/08/2024 09:01

Thank you everyone for your encouragement & suggestions about MTB.

To answer one of the questions - no, I don't have children.

To those who eat alone in restaurants: Don't you feel very self-conscious? It's different in a cafe, where shoppers pop in for a cuppa etc, but in a proper restaurant I feel like I'd stick out like a sore thumb.

I feel as though I have hidden myself - that is hidden my personality, for a long time. Maybe since I was a child when I was very controlled. I learned not to rock the boat and to subsume myself to be what others expected and that's a hard lesson to shake off..

My DH certainly wouldn't tell me not to do something, but I feel that somehow he wouldn't approve and would judge me. I don't know why I think that, he's never been controlling . I think maybe it's just that he has such a strong sense of himself and what he likes/dislikes or will/won't do. I can imagine him and my sister saying things like "what do you want to do that for" but in that particular tone of voice that immediately makes me think that I'm doing something they don't like. I don't even know if they'd say that, that's just a hang-over from my childhood and adolescence.

Writing this has actually made me feel quite sad.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/08/2024 09:14

I feel sad for you reading that. You obviously have had a difficult early life.

To answer your question - no, I don't feel self conscious eating alone in a restaurant. Maybe I did the first few times but I've been doing it so long now i dont remember! I go at lunch time or early evening, and take a book.

I recently tried something new in a new place. I kind of went along with feeling self conscious, recognised that that's how I would feel. I took my time, asked for help. People are generally very kind!

Lentilweaver · 10/08/2024 09:17

To those who eat alone in restaurants: Don't you feel very self-conscious? It's different in a cafe, where shoppers pop in for a cuppa etc, but in a proper restaurant I feel like I'd stick out like a sore thumb.

No, I eat alone in restaurants across the world and travel solo too, though I have been long married. Nobody cares. Admittedly I am old, but I have been doing this since my twenties. In real life, nobody is looking at you; everyone is worrying about the CoL!

I don't care what my DH and sister think or like. As long as I am safe. What they do is up to them.

DreadPirateRobots · 10/08/2024 09:18

To those who eat alone in restaurants: Don't you feel very self-conscious? It's different in a cafe, where shoppers pop in for a cuppa etc, but in a proper restaurant I feel like I'd stick out like a sore thumb

Nope. I've travelled alone for business many times, and if you don't eat out alone in those circumstances you don't eat. I also holiday alone (DH and I have a one week solo holiday each agreement). Honestly, people do it allllllllll the time and absolutely nobody will care.

It sounds like it would do you a huge amount of good to start doing some stuff alone and pursuing your own wants and interests. It can be hugely liberating when you just start doing the things you want to do alone. Ive been to the cinema alone, the theatre... It's lovely.

frozendaisy · 10/08/2024 09:18

You say your H never leaves the house and also has a strong sense of himself. How would he know if he stays safe in his castle?

If anyone judges "why do you want to do that" stock answer "there's a big wide world out of that door i am going to see some of it"

Imagine how unprogressive the human race would be if people had just stayed safe in their caves? Let them judge over a safe coffee.

I have found if you go out and do stuff, people start to get curious or even a bit jealous. And then want to come with you. Which can bring a whole host of new annoyances. So go out and do stuff and when H suggests he joins you in the future before you agree, being a people pleaser, say "ok but couple of ground rules there will be no complaining about the weather, cost, other people if you do come I'm enjoying myself i don't need to drag your complaining arse around or trying to cheer you up because you aren't at home. Agreed"

Lentilweaver · 10/08/2024 09:19

Also frankly if your DH and sister are that boring that they never leave the house, why should you condemn yourself to a boring life because of them? Life is very short as you know only too well. Don't let yourself get to 60 and realise you have never been out for sushi because your DH doesn't approve, of all terrible reasons.

Ginger124 · 10/08/2024 09:23

Berga · 09/08/2024 08:13

I promise you, you don't need anyone to go with. You want to go eat sushi? Do it! Go on a city break? Go alone! Ride a bike? Get one and go!

Its lovely saying do it alone but sometimes you want someone to share a moment with. I've done some wonderful things in my life, not that anyone would know about them because I've done them alone. No one asks about them and no one shared the memory with me so other than my own memories and a few photos it's like it never happened.

I really dislike this current "girl boss do it alone" thing that's currently in fashion, it perpetuates isolation.

HoppingPavlova · 10/08/2024 09:24

To those who eat alone in restaurants: Don't you feel very self-conscious? It's different in a cafe, where shoppers pop in for a cuppa etc, but in a proper restaurant I feel like I'd stick out like a sore thumb

I do. I used to occasionally for work if I went away to conferences. People want to go to dinner with you thinking they are doing you a favour but I favoured alone time after a conference so I’d often (but not always, depended on the people making the invite) make an excuse as to why I couldn’t go and then just go somewhere else myself. I would take my phone and kindle and have whatever type of food I wanted rather than where someone else had booked. I do the same thing now occasionally at home because it’s nice to have a break from the household.

Lentilweaver · 10/08/2024 09:26

Ginger124 · 10/08/2024 09:23

Its lovely saying do it alone but sometimes you want someone to share a moment with. I've done some wonderful things in my life, not that anyone would know about them because I've done them alone. No one asks about them and no one shared the memory with me so other than my own memories and a few photos it's like it never happened.

I really dislike this current "girl boss do it alone" thing that's currently in fashion, it perpetuates isolation.

Show quote history

It's not girl boss. Literally every day someone on MN posts that they can't do anything alone because
DH won't let them
People will judge
They are anxious
Seems to me better to do something alone than get to 60 never doing anything for these skimpy reasons.

I like doing things alone because I can set my own schedule, pick my own seats, watch what I want to. I am going to the theatre alone today because my Dh is not keen on a sparkly musical, and I am.