Life has ground to a halt

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I feel as though my life has grind to a halt. I have always been a passive person mainly because I am a people pleaser and haven't wanted to upset other people or feel like I've forced my will on them. I had cancer in 2019 and needed a very major operation. I have seen people with the same cancer die, but I have been lucky although it has affected my life as regards the amount of stamina and energy I have. I should be celebrating a new lease of life, and making the most of the rest of my life but I feel instead that life has shut down.

There are so many things that I would like to do. For example I watched the Olympic mountain bike race and thought "that is something that I'd like to try" , I'd like to go to a restaurant and eat Sushi which I love, go away for a city break. Just little things like that really. But I have no one to go with. No one seems interested in doing the things that I'd like to do - my husband, my sister, my friends, they're all people who don't want to leave the house to do anything. They're Ok if you want to spend an afternoon drinking coffee with them but nothing else. I'm bored and frustrated.

Surgeons gave me a new lease of life and I'm squandering it, but I don't know how to move forward.

I just take a book or the have the kindle app on my phone when I eat out alone. I probably felt weird the first few times but it's normal to me now. I love sushi too and will never wait for someone to go with me! I recently did a city break mostly solo, ate alone, sat in bars alone, nobody once gave me a look and I didn't feel weird. I went to watch a show on my own, and at the interval in the toilet queue someone who had been sat nearby had obviously seen me alone and asked me about it. I just said yes I was solo for the night and meeting friends who were arriving in the city the following day. She just sort of raised her eyebrows at me, but then it was my turn to go in, so end of conversation. So a raised eyebrow is the most judgemental thing I've had over the years! I actually felt very proud of myself after the city break. I felt like it was a big achievement and I'd done literally everything for myself. Yes I did get on the metro going the wrong way, but I rectified it quickly, and that was the worst that happened.

You mention surgery giving you a new lease of life, so show your gratitude through getting out and doing stuff! Honestly just go for it.

The first thing I did after recovering from cancer treatment was to book a solo trip to Switzerland. It's somewhere I had always wanted to go, but when I looked into it, it was expensive for all of us to go, so it made.me think "what's stopping me doing this on my own?!" And I went. I was about to turn 40 as well, and saw it as a little challenge to set for myself, and I loved it! I also did a few other things I wouldn't have done before my illness, such as taking up Avon (short lived and not very successful, but an experience!) and running which I now couldn't be without. Take the leap into things, no matter how small, or big, and don't listen to the voices of disapproval. Secretly they're jealous that you have decided to make something happen when they're left just plodding along. Go on a trip, eat in that restaurant (a good place to gain confidence is where nobody knows you and you'll never see them again, so who cares) and find little things that are just for you and bring you little bits of joy. It's all totally possible. Go and get it!

This is very sushi specific but if you have a Yo Sushi nearby that’s great on your own because you can sit at the conveyor belt so don’t need to be with anyone.
o hope you can learn to ignore the nay saying sister & DH and do what you want to to

Stop worrying about what other people think and get out there and do what YOU want!

You go to a walking group say .... you think your OH and sister might be judgy about that .... so what!!?? Let them judge away ...you get on and enjoy your life ... you've got a second chance ... don't waste a moment of it worrying what others think!!

Get out there girl! Good luck!

By the way I was always out and about on my own when my OH was alive. He was a bit reclusive and did not want to do many things, but that was no reason for me not to do them.

If you said to your husband that having cancer has given you a new person life and you really want to try a few things like a city break/eating Sushi in a restaurant, would he really not go with you?

If so, I think you need to really reconsider this relationship

Sorry you had cancer and are struggling to find people to do things with - we have a lovely cancer recovery thread in general health for people who are rebuilding their lives after cancer you are very welcome to join.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/general_health/5113744-the-great-cancer-recovery-part-3?page=2&reply=137203565

I am on that along with a lot of lovely other ladies - I will be off for a DIEP operation on Tuesday but once through that will be back and it may be a bit quiet at the moment due to holidays but its fairly active and very supportive.

I now have quite an active life again since cancer in 2021 and I built up gradually. Its very hard if no-one will come with you. I have my husband with me and been on a couple of holidays with just myself and my daughter though will fly alone later this year. If you aren't used to doing things alone sometimes its doing it in steps though I think if you do go out and do things alone you may get chatting to others who may do things with you. I swim, go with DH, but there people chat to me (is a cheaper private place) and they have social events. Would look out for clubs you could join or see if anyone would do something different like maybe they wouldn't eat sushi but might go for Sunday lunch, maybe they wouldn't go to a city but would go to see wildlife. Other place to ask might be a local cancer forum as there can be people on there alone who might want to join up. Holidays you can get holidays in groups. I don't know if you get cycling groups, I would expect so. Also you may well find if you announce you are doing that then your DH suddenly says he will come too. Or once you have done it some of your friends are inspired and join. Or can you get takeaway sushi and maybe get people to try some.

Would it have been better to not do any of those things at all?

Starting to do things alone is a first step. It's pushing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, which is a prerequisite to making changes. That doesn't mean you have to do them alone forever. But a first step to meeting people to do these things with, if you don't already have them, is putting yourself out there. On your own.

Hi op.
I'm 59 and although I haven't had your cancer expierence I have huge FOMO and have had since I was young!
If there's no one in my family interested or available in doing something that I want to, I'll do it alone.
I mtb and gravel bike, usually alone on weekdays as my friends are at work when I'm off. My advice would be get yourself a second hand mtb (you'll get more bike for your money ) and start of small. You can always upgrade if you get into it.

Look for routes near you on Komoot and have a go.
Log on to British Cycling 'Let's Ride' and see what's near you.
On that site you can do Breeze Ride which are shorter women only rides to get your confidence and skills.

With regard to going out for sushi, maybe go at lunchtime or late afternoon, during the quieter times until you get your confidence up.

Also, it's probably been mentioned, but have a look at 'Meet up', there seriously something for everyone on there Including eating out and other social expierences

You have thankfully been given an opportunity to seize the rest of your life. Life it for you and have fun.
The hardest part is taking the first step.

Yes, look on Meetup for restaurant or day trip groups.
Look on Facebook for similar
Church noticeboards
Local library

If people will sit and drink coffee assuming its not time that's an issue it might be worth trying to have the coffee in a location where there is something to do like I met a friend on Thursday at a restaurant in RHS Wisley then we had a walk round the gardens after.

Obviously can also do things on your own but presume you are nervous about that and if you can find the courage great but its not always that easy. Though if there's anything you do feel able to do alone go for it and then I think your confidence will grow and you will meet people. There's quite a few single or widowed at a young age on the cancer thread who maybe able to suggest things - one of those has just been canoeing solo round Norway, very inspirational (with a group).

We've moved to new areas a few times and I've had to make new friends each time. I've approached like a job and planned how I'd try and do it. Obviously it takes a long time but I get there in the end. You have to be open to try slightly random things and you have to accept that you not everything will work. My son moved to a new town and did similar, he joined book clubs and a sports group and now has a great group of friends and a lovely girlfriend.

Try sports clubs, craft clubs, walking groups, meet up app (or similar), volunteering etc

Also do some things on your own.

Keep reminding yourself that you have all the power in this situation. You can change it.

I really dislike this current "girl boss do it alone" thing that's currently in fashion, it perpetuates isolation

I really disagree, I've been doing my own thing for over forty years. I have a great friendship group, a fantastic sociable husband and we go out with our adult kids a lot. However not everyone is around all the time when I want to do things so why should I miss out?

I'd say rather than causing social isolation by having the confidence to do things alone enhances your character and enjoyment of life.

And you have the confidence to do that knowing you have a husband who is otherwise interested in you and your life and will ask you if you enjoyed the trip. Totally different for people without partners, without children and without friends.

There are specialist travel companies for solo travellers. They are usually geared to people in similar circumstances to you. A lot of them are like organised tours so you have the benefit of seeing new places, but the security of doing it in a group.

I don’t know what sushi places you have near you but most are quite casual and I’ve eaten in them alone on numerous occasions (and I’m a very self conscience person). Yo! Sushi and Itsu are very casual.

Joining groups to do activities with like minded people is a great idea. Even if family say “why do you want to do that?” at least you know there are others who also want to do that because you’ve joined their group!

As I've said I do things alone, and it's not about confidence it's about sometimes it's nice to have someone come along with you and share the moment/memory with. Not something I'd expect people with partners to understand!

The question never to be asked. Or at least to be asked with a degree of sensitivity.

As I've said I do things alone, and it's not about confidence it's about sometimes it's nice to have someone come along with you and share the moment/memory with. Not something I'd expect people with partners to understand!

I hear you! I was single for a long time and I agree it's nice to have someone with you to have nice memories.
However I'll be dammed if I'm waiting for someone to come on a bike ride with me while I've got free time and everyone else is at work.
Not everything is about making and sharing memories.
Also if op uses groups such as Lets Ride or Meetup she has a good chance of meeting like minded people to share expierence with.

You could book yourself one of those "mountain biking experiences" where they set you up and show you what to do? Those are usually given as gifts so you wouldn't need someone to go with to find out whether you like it. As for sushi, if you are nervous eating alone sushi is the best place to start - London is full of sushi bars where people in for lunch on their own.

If you are very hesitant to do things alone I would flat out ask your husband or sister or friends "Will you come with me so I can do it? You don't have to eat the sushi."

I always think when you're feeling bogged down, just do a few new things for the hell of it. It usually shakes loose something you want to follow up, but you have to be willing to drive it yourself.

Join a local cycling and hiking group.
Sign up for a group adventure holiday.
https://www.muchbetteradventures.com/explore/united-kingdom/
https://www.weroad.co.uk/august-bank-holiday
Don't let life pass you by!

May depend where you live but around here we have local facebook groups and if you put on one of those you fancied cycling and does anyone want to come as well / know any groups (can make it female only if prefer that) you might well get people come along. And also on those groups sometimes there's things like parkruns if that's of interest. Joining a healthclub with gym, pool classes can be a way to meet active people as well as getting fitter.

But Yo Sushi to sushi is what Burger King is to beef.
If you want to experience sushi, go to a proper sushi restaurant and enjoy it fully, rather than an airport style fast food equivalent.

Whereas sitting in all the time drinking coffee with the same two people isn't isolating?

But Yo Sushi to sushi is what Burger King is to beef.
If you want to experience sushi, go to a proper sushi restaurant and enjoy it fully, rather than an airport style fast food equivalent
While I agree with you, it could be an easy way to start eating alone and build up to something better.

You have the memories!

It's not a girl boss thing for me at all, it's simply a matter of doing it alone or sitting at home looking out at the world from my windows.

I refuse to miss out on living my life if people don't share the same interests, or have their own plans with their family.