What does MN think of how this turned out? (TW)

[PhantomSmoke]

We had an ordinary marriage. Then I found out my husband had been viewing images of child abuse

I’m a bit shocked, tbh…

I've read that the VPN address is unique to the customer but if he was using tor I don't understand how he was traced

Wow, that's shocking, her parents know and yet don't tell her that she must end the marriage.

i Wonder was she raised in an appearances are everything kind of family. Don't over 'emote' just carry on. keep calm. Any visible reaction to something is not dignified/drama/insanity - even when that something is something really, really awful.

She needs to get mad and go mad then figure out why she staple guns on a "ok" face.

I feel sad for her.

I know somebody that this happened to and the marriage was over the moment she heard.

Ah ok thanks, at least that part is a relief I suppose, but I honestly have no idea how tor works. I’ve heard of it of course, but I’ve never wanted to look into what it actually is/does/how it works. If it facilitates illegal behaviour (is that its entire purpose?), why is it allowed to exist?

I think I live in an absolute bubble…

There still seems to be a perception that viewing children being sexually abused is a 'victimless crime', in that the perpetrator is not victimising the child, because they are not the one physically abusing the child. No. They are the ones creating and perpetuating the market for abusers to film these children being so heinously hurt and assaulted, and the ones revictimising the child, exploiting their pain and their shame to get their rocks off to.

It needs to be treated as seriously as if they were the ones physically abusing that poor child that they wanked off to.

AND WHO THE FUCK ELSE DID HE THINK SHOULD HAVE THE FUN JOB OF TELLING HIS WIFE ABOUT HIS CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN?!!

@PhantomSmoke I don't think it would be possible to get rid of it, and there is the argument that people have a right to exercise privacy online

I totally agree with this. There are many, many paedophiles out there who haven't been caught. Whose wives and families are in blissful ignorance at what their Nigel's are doing when out of sight.

These disgusting men cannot be rehabilitated. Not ever. There is no therapy that would work because at their core, they are fixated on abusing children. I don't know what the answer is, I don't think it's prison, that's just capture. The only answer is getting rid of them. Permanently.

Eugh, no sorry Matthew you are a bad person.

@BippityBopper I see your point. Im not 100% sure of it, but it’s an interesting one. However, I’m sceptical the Guardian had any altruistic motive.

Exactly this! It was all about me me poor me I was/am a poor helpless addict. And absolutely no recognition or acknowledgement, never mind remorse, for what he has, and continues to, put his family through.

I thought when I read these accounts 'I wonder if when she sees how absent she is from what he wrote, she'll leave him after all?'

And I also thought 'there will be a thread on Mumsnet disgusted with his self pitying bullshit' and I wasn't wrong.

@Dontcallmescarface Yeah, I don't understand the purpose of the CCTV.

Presumably to protect against being touched? Which only works as a deterrent IF the recording is diligently checked, every minute of it, every day, and is seen to be checked AND if the fear of discovery is greater than the impulse to abuse.

If the deterrent fails, then you've found out, but only AFTER the abuse has already happened.

Meanwhile, the actual conviction is for viewing images, so you set up a means of remotely viewing your own child in their bedroom. I mean, wtf! Huge violation of privacy right there. Set up by the mother, lost in her own collusion?

Like others the comment about the police "making him" tell his wife was a "final twist of the knife" got my back up. Maybe they thought it would be kinder to her? Maybe they thought, you did, it you can say it.

I don't understand why the Guardian would publish this. I suppose there is some public interest in that he was a 'normal guy' with a stock standard porn addiction who got caught and it serves as a warning, but as someone who doesn't watch porn and whose only focus when it comes to child sex abuse is protecting my kids and any other's that come into my care for any reason, I cannot understand why anyone would seek these images, and then continue to seek them. I just don't get it.

And I do feel like the Guardian is normalising. It's not like any other crime. It is literally destroying a child's future and their childhood all at once.

@BippityBopper I also see your point, but for someone to be rehabilitated I believe they need to accept responsibility for their actions, and from this article it is clear this man does not accept any responsibility and is being enabled by his family also.

This article very much has an air of ‘but but… it’s someone or something else’s fault I did what I did’

There a few kickers that really grind my gears in this article:
“Then they made me tell my wife, which was a nice twist of the knife.”
… poor little lamb, no one else would take responsibility for you….
“It was traumatic and I went into a spiral of shame and fear.”
Nothing your victims AS YOUNG AS SIX felt.
“The only thing that stopped me [ending my life] was it was my dad’s birthday that weekend and it didn’t seem fair on him”
That’s so considerate, here’s your son-of-the-year award. You’ve earned it.
“There’s a sort of dehumanisation that happens in the court system.” Grrrr! That mean ol’ court system being dehumanising. Sexual exploitation of children though isn’t dehumanising AT ALL.
”But it’s changed my life: I have so much more time and a normal sexual relationship” what a lucky, lucky man. Something your victims might never get to experience.
“But I still live in fear of being found out” the very least that you could do is live in fear for the rest of your life, let’s be fair.
“I’ve got no doubt I damaged her trust, but I think she knew I wouldn’t abuse our son”
meanwhile, his wife “The big question is whether I can trust my husband. I still get intrusive thoughts: “Has he ever done anything to our son?” LOL, I’d almost feel sorry for her if she didn’t keep her own child in the company of someone known to be dangerous, but it’s okay because her marriage is “stronger than ever.”

She also works around children and is responsible for safeguarding in her job… maybe try to bring some of that sense back home sweetheart. You suck at it on the home front. And you are NOT a “secondary victim”. You lost that title when you stayed with him, kept your son around him and went back to having sex with a paedophile.

The most important objective is to get these people to stop. Disgust and shame doesn't seem to do that.

And being all nice and sympathetic will get them to stop?

No. Matthew admitted it himself. The only thing that makes these creeps stop is fear of consequences to themselves.

That is why we must ramp up sentencing.

But also, Matthew said he feels the impact of having restrictions around his job and being afraid of people finding out.

Sounds like shame is a deterrent, then. Fear of condemnation and being ostracised.

But I'd rather they feared prison too.

How is he allowed to see his son? Surely it’s a case for social services? He’s disgusting and his wife is delusional.

Shocking that she’s ok as she’s certain “he won’t hurt their son” but it’s ok for him to get sexual gratification from another child! I’ve never known any man who has a porn addiction to dive into dark web. There’s something seriously warped here and if he was my husband I’d be divorcing and making sure he never saw my children and future grandchildren again.

On a side note, a friends son has recently been caught with images of children on his computer. Their house was broken into by police at 6am and all their devices taken. Friend is sure that he’s innocent it’s a mistake he’s been hacked whatever. Obviously not true but he’s out on bail waiting a cps decision and he’s been allowed to go to theme parks and most recently an all inclusive resort with his mum during the school holidays! We aren’t friends really anymore but who is protecting children these days from these monsters?

This!!! 100% but she should lose her job imo. If she chooses to live and stay with him, she should not be in a position where she has access to children and can enable. Peadophile enablers are just as awful as those who commit the crimes themselves. Lock them all up and throw away the key.

Good question!

@Tallulahe totally agree with you. He will have bail conditions I imagine most will centre on his internet use but you’d like to think he’ll have some saying no unsupervised contact with under 18’s so hopefully his mother or another adult has been present? Although sounds like she’s burying her head in the sand…

I want to know if he told her what sort of porn he was looking for when he ‘stumbled across’ child abuse.

Because I can guarantee if he went to the dark web looking for porn he was looking for things that would raise a massive red flag.

And… and I know this might sound odd, what kind of sex do they have and has he changed his habits in relation to that? What if he needs to ‘up the extreme’ in physical terms like he said about the porn, that would worry me what he was going to act out next.

By the way I am not saying there is anything wrong with fetishes or kinks between consenting adults, I’m wondering whether this would be a concern to her, that he’d progress in real life onto hurting their child. I just couldn’t have a child in the same house as him it’s too risky.

I honestly don't think there is any rehabilitation for violent sexual offenders and paedophiles. Once you've gone to the extreme of watching child abuse imagery I think you are a danger forever. Paedophiles who are attracted to children but never view/abuse children I think there is some hope in ensuring they don't ever do this but to be honest, I'm not even sure then.

I watched a podcast from an undercover policeman who infiltrated paedophile rings and what he witnessed was harrowing, these men are dangerous predators. Once you've gone down this depraved road I don't think there is a way back.

Oh no, not poor Matthew with his category A images of infants likely being raped on his devices. How heartbreaking for him, he had to tell his wife he's more aroused by young children and babies than he is her. It's such a pity because he sounds like a top notch dude.

Honestly that article was extremely self indulgent and I agree she sounds groomed herself. But also it gave smug.
As though with the love of a good woman you can also save your noncey husband!

Also, to mention money spent on legal fees, rental properties for Matthew and that general vibe of, "but we aren't intellectually challenged plebs, we even Live in a southern market town, we have some wealth" Just riled me up. I dont give a flying fuck where you're from, poor old Matthew was complicit in child abuse the second he sought and enjoyed those images. He could have been born with a platinum spoon in his mouth or a free wooden one from a chippy, a predator is a predator and lovely old Matthew is a fucking predator.

Maybe when the Internet was in its infancy and porn wasn't widely as available as it is now there is a small chance child sexual abuse images were downloaded accidentally or bunged on to a file from some website like 4chan. Maybe. But I'd never believe that four years ago he just happened upon CSAI, surely that's something you have to look for specifically. I do believe his porn addiction sent him down his path of wanting to see more and more depraved images masturbate to, but I don't believe when simply watching porn he suddenly was smack banged in the face with cat 1 images. Fuck Matthew.

If the article had been to the effect of, "Matthew was struggling with the urge to seek explicit images of children and instead of acting up on it he went the gp, sought help, therapy, took medication to remove sexual desires because he never ever wanted to be complicit in child abuse for his sexual gratification", I have genuinely felt something Kinder towards him. He would have been cursed with a horrible prediction and tried to have caused least damage to children possible.

But I actually just feel pure fucking rage.

Self indulgent pair of fuckers.

From Matthew:

But I still live in fear of being found out by friends, colleagues or the press. People immediately think you’re a danger. It’s isolating and means I’ve lost friendships; you look at which you can maintain easily, by glossing over the truth, and step away from those that would require honesty. There’s no requirement to disclose I’m on the register to anyone other than the police, but we worry my son’s school might be told when he starts there. That could make our worst fears come true.

Shame, condemnation and ostracising DO work. They are the only tools we have when sentencing is so lenient. Shame these men, show your disgust, turn your back on them.

They are so selfish, it's the only way to affect them, you can't work on their conscience or empathy because they don't have any, as this article demonstrates