Can I tell you about my lovely new man please?

[StripeyBedCurtains]

I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years, and have been single for 8 years since. I never thought I'd trust a man again, or be interested in one, and I'd totally accepted being alone forever.

1 month ago I met a man, through work, and we started chatting for hours and liked each other. He asked me out, and I went, but very suspicious, not expecting anything, high alert lookout for red flags.

There are no red flags! There are lots of green ones! I've said no to multiple things, and he has accepted my right to do so (big and small things). He is nice to serving people when we've eaten out. He listens to my pov and if he's been a dick (once or twice only) he's admitted his mistake and apologised. He accepts my boundaries and has healthy ones of his own.

He just the polar opposite of my ex, he is so genuinely nice and I love it. I'm so happy. When I'm not talking to him I want to be talking about him, so here I am... I feel like a teenager again, but better because I was an idiot then who accepted shit and now I don't 🤣

I think it's more you saying that you've said no to 'multiple things' - some of them big (your words) and you've clearly had some crossed words about your previous history

All in the space of 4 weeks

So I think it's that that rings faint alarm bells in those who have been fortunate enough not to have had abusive relationships:

In fairness OP, as well as you saying he had been a dick one or two times, you also said:

I've said no to multiple things, and he has accepted my right to do so (big and small things).

I think it's unusual in four weeks to have needed to say no to multiple things, especially big ones. I can't imagine what is being suggested that is 'big' just four weeks in that you have needed to push back on.

Shouldn't it all be an easygoing, fun and conflict free stage just a few weeks in?

Go easy OP and don't rush in too much.

My ex love bombed me, and it was totally different. Everything was on his terms, even though he pretended it wasn't and I didn't see it at the time. It's crystal clear to me now looking back.

This guy takes things at my pace, pulls back when I ask him to, gives my kids priority at all times with no question or complaint - it's just a given and he frequently tells me that he admires that I put them first even when it might be annoying for him (ie. Cutting in conversations at the drop of a hat, arranging any date around what the kids need and are doing and rearranging his schedule to facilitate this). Nb. He's never said it's annoying, I just see that it may well be, but that's just life.

He doesn't question me about my past, but is willing to listen if I need to talk about it. He's not at all jealous. He's so gentle - his job involves working with challenging kids and he's amazing at it. He's funny and sweet and makes me feel like the most amazing beautiful woman on the planet.

And I'm sure someone is going to read this and say - it's all too much for early days - maybe it is but this is how I'm feeling. I'm not bloody going all in telling him all this stuff - we're just enjoying each others company and chatting and getting to know each other, and joking and sharing interests and having fun. It's great. 😊

What did he do? Tell us! Happy you’re getting all these good feelings again.

You see - I have purposely looked for things to say no to, because I know this is a big tester and it was a massive thing with my ex which eventually drove him to violence so I really need to know that this guy will just accept a no from me. And he will. I probably phrased it wrong. The big thing, was one big thing which is big to me and he accepted without question. He wasn't asking for this thing - but I just told him it's a flat out no and I need you to know this.

So it's not 'no' multiple times in the context of conflict. It's 'no' multiple times because I have been looking out for nos to give 😂

I've stopped that now because I am happy with the answer I have, although obviously I will continue to say no if and when appropriate and will continue to pay attention to the response. I'm just not actively testing any more.

I have said what they were further upthread 😊

That was to newsenmum

You've not introduced him to your kids have you?

Was about to ask the same.

And after 4 weeks of seeing someone, it's so so weird that you say he 'gives my kids priority at all times'

I mean, that's good of him eh? Most people who are dating 4 weeks in have seen the other person approximately 4 times, maybe half a dozen.

You describe some sort of full on teenage relationship of 6 months to my mind.

I don't want to be mean but you honestly ring alarm bells with me. Can't put my finger on exactly why. It's like you want to convince yourself you're seeing things so clearly but I don't actually think you are

That’s what I thought

I haven't introduced him and don't intend to. I just mean that all meet ups have to be arranged around kids needs, and I have had to suddenly cut a call off because one of them needs me. That is all

I think I'm giving up in this thread. Nothing I say will be good enough. It's fine - I don't need validation. I am happy to just live this and see what happens

"Nothing I say will be good enough. It's fine - I don't need validation."

Is it fine? This sentence alone (nothing I say will be good enough) speaks volumes about the damage done to your self-esteem 😔 and it's clear from this thread that you do seem to need us to agree that you have found your happy ever after. I get that you feel hopeful about your new relationship, and that's lovely, but when we are truly happy and relaxed we don't need to tell the world/become defensive with people who share alternate opinions. I am not being intentionally negative, I myself have been through a abusive relationship, and something I have learned the hard way is that until you fully (well as much as possible) repair and heal you will keep attracting not -good -enough men in your life, or, push away good relationships.
That being said, I wish you all the best with your new partner and your continued journey to healing ❤️‍🩹.

Good for you. No negativity from me. Wish you all the best.

Gosh - I have said that I'm having fun, if things don't go well that is ok, I am looking out for flags still, I will not stand any nonsense, I now know what I deserve and I will not accept less. I have not said anywhere on this thread that I've found my 'happy ever after' or any such thing.

I am celebrating that - whatever happens with this particular man - I don't feel any more that I must be alone forever, and that is very liberating for me. And I'm celebrating how lovely this is for me right now.

I wasn't in any way looking for anyone when I met him, but I have been feeling for a while that it might be nice to be with a properly nice man. I have got to this point on my own, in 8 years, and he has turned up at just the right time.

I love mn in many ways, and I also hate it 😂

Since I'm back here - because I was thinking about it last night - I do see that it's weird that his completely ordinary and to be expected respect for the primacy of my dc in my life seems amazing to me. That is really my issue because my ex, their father, resented and was jealous of the attention I paid them and it was the cause of much tension and more in our relationship. One of the most amazing things for me when we escaped was being able to just put them first and not feel guilty or be scared to do so. So for me, meeting a man romantically who just expects this to be what I will do and encourages it is a revelation.

I honestly don't care whether random posters think I protest too much or whatever. I don't feel I've been defensive tbh, I don't think that my not agreeing that he's awful and I need to immediately bin him, or whatever else makes me defensive. Nor does me clarifying points that have come across wrong.

I really have had experience of minimising actual awful behaviour on threads I posted years ago about ex, and I know the difference, here in my real life. 🙂

But... no one said he's awful and you should bin him, did they?

People just said be careful, which is fair enough. We don't know him and neither do you, really. It takes time.

After a month, you've seen each other a few times and it's fun and exciting. But all you can do is see how it goes, and all people here can do is advise you to be careful.

Telling yourself that we are all miserable loveless bitches trying to destroy your happiness does not actually sound all that balanced or happy to me. So again - enjoy yourself, but be careful.

Sorry for my previous post, you didn't actually ask for my opinion on anything. It was written mainly based on things you've said like "it's all my fault" "nothing I say will be good enough" and now that everyone says you should bin him etc. it's actually you that seems to jump on the negative. But regardless, we don't know this man, and I as such have no opinion on him either way. But once again, I apologise for my earlier post, it wasn't asked for and unhelpful for you at the moment.

I'm not telling myself anyone is a loveless bitch, and I have said multiple times that I appreciate the concern. Multiple people have said bin him, but I just don't think I'm doing very well at this thread: oh well. Fingers crossed I'm better at real life than chatting on the internet 😂😅😂

It's all my fault was a joke btw, which is why there was a laughing emoji after it. 🙂

I'm really not taking this thread as seriously as I probably appear to be.

Thank you very much to all who have contributed. I don't think anyone is a bad person or has bad intentions here.

@RLOU36 thank you x

Make your own decisions and enjoy being happy.
You first post was a beautiful one and I expect you to be happy for a long long time

I get it OP. Enjoy your happiness, it’s lovely.🥰

❤️❤️❤️

Good luck OP. Sounds like you are well on the road to recovery. Enjoy your time with this guy - it sounds like you are laying down your boundaries early doors, which is great.

I do agree with a PP that using the term 'dick' about the two instances was probably a bit unfair on him. How do you think he would feel if he read that. He couldn't help not being able to meet you that one time, so not really his fault. You didn't really expand on the other instance. But it sounds like he's respecting your boundaries so far.

Yes, you are right. I need to be kinder ☺️