Can I tell you about my lovely new man please?

[StripeyBedCurtains]

I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years, and have been single for 8 years since. I never thought I'd trust a man again, or be interested in one, and I'd totally accepted being alone forever.

1 month ago I met a man, through work, and we started chatting for hours and liked each other. He asked me out, and I went, but very suspicious, not expecting anything, high alert lookout for red flags.

There are no red flags! There are lots of green ones! I've said no to multiple things, and he has accepted my right to do so (big and small things). He is nice to serving people when we've eaten out. He listens to my pov and if he's been a dick (once or twice only) he's admitted his mistake and apologised. He accepts my boundaries and has healthy ones of his own.

He just the polar opposite of my ex, he is so genuinely nice and I love it. I'm so happy. When I'm not talking to him I want to be talking about him, so here I am... I feel like a teenager again, but better because I was an idiot then who accepted shit and now I don't 🤣

You have me confused - I have not posted under another name 'gushing'

Geez. I really wish I hadn't bothered.

But thank you to the posters who have been nice and haven't felt the need to try to ouss all over my joy.

Be careful meeting up at work…

Sounds lovely OP. I hope it goes well.

Hi OP, sorry you’re getting a hard time! Those instances of “being a dick” sound more like minor misunderstandings/mishaps positively resolved to me.

I totally understand why you’d be so thrilled to meet someone who can accept and respond to feedback and your feelings without being a defensive arsehole - it’s so refreshing isn’t it! I was in a relationship with a master of DARVO and now have a lovely kind man too, so I get you.

Incidentally, my DP lost his phone and all his money on our first date, and also failed to tell me something quite important out of pure frozen anxiety in the first month. But I believed he was a good man and we got through it - and I was right, he’s a fantastic man. I hope it works out for you!

I hope it works out OP. I do think that after only a few weeks you can't really tell. It takes at least three months to know someone so committing to him after a month is rushing things. I'd just be wary because the dickish things could escalate. He tests you out with minor things, uses them to draw you closer, so the next dickish thing is a bit worse, but you accept that too, and soon he's worked out that he can be a total dick and you'll be fine with it. Not saying that will happen - but you don't know yet.

I also think I wouldn't expect any dickish behaviour at all in the first few weeks. I bet you haven't been a dick to him.

I am happy for you @StripeyBedCurtains ☺️.

It gives me some hope too though (I am long term single after leaving an emotionally abusive marriage)!

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you!

I'm not 'committed' to him. I think it's cute that he wants me to be his girlfriend but in no way do I think that means I have to stick with him if he turns out to be a twat. It's a bit jokey at the moment and makes us giggle.

I have children to protect, they are my number 1 priority. He knows this and accepts it and has many times already had to be put in a back burner for them and he does t mind at all.

There is no way in hell I would do anything that would harm them, and if I got into a bad relationship it would harm them, so that isn't happening. They've been through enough trauma, as have I.

Yeah, I know it seems a bit mean to sound a note of warning when you're all happy and excited. But nasty abusive men can be very, very good at seeming wonderful and I guess people (myself included) feel wary when we see a) he's already been a bit of a dick, and b) you're so excited and happy so soon. I have no idea if he's a lovely guy or just pretending and right now, neither do you! Hopefully in a few more months you'll come back and tell us we needn’t have been concerned! For now, just enjoy it (while keeping a quiet eye on any potential red flags.) Sorry to be so boring, OP! Hope you have a fantastic weekend with your fella.

Oh gosh ignore the doom and gloom replies OP, it's no wonder when you read all the man hating comments on numerous other threads... take no notice!

I think this is wonderful news! How lovely to be so excited about starting a new relationship, I felt exactly like this when I met my partner as well and it's such a great feeling. The "dick-ish" things sound like nothing major, and more just what you go through as you're getting to know each other and learning about what makes each other tick, we've all done it and it's great that he's recognised and apologised when it's happened.

Long may it continue!

Seriously are you ok? It's really not nice to project your own obviously awful relationship history onto a random stranger, why comment at all?

So much negativity, no wonder there are so many broken relationships and children moving between homes if the message is ‘get rid’ at the simplest of things.

You sound sensible @StripeyBedCurtains and are taking it slowly.

My DP, I gave a couple of chances…he cancelled twice, for instance, before our first date. We took it slowly. Kept an open mind, he was very different to my ‘usual’.

No relationship is perfect and we have had to work together to communicate well if there are issues ( usually to do with his DC’s).

15 years later he is still the most giving, calm, funny, caring man that could be.

I'm sure posters come on here just to release their own negativity and frustrations on others. Awful.

Sounds like a nice man @StripeyBedCurtains if he has made you smile after a long time

I would def not meet up around work for secret stolen kisses

Not sure if you work together or just met up at work

But best to keep work and life /love separate

Otherwise enjoy

Yes, we have decided that such meetings are not a good idea for a number of reasons.

I actually think it's good that it's not all totally plain sailing because actually, ime, the awful ones hide their failings initially in order to draw you in, and then the mask falls suddenly and it's awful.

Thank you for all the kind words ☺️

You've known him a month. but everyone knows even abusers are lovely when first dating. Take it slow. And also I had to read back 'he'd been a dick twice already in a month! Course he is going to apologise. It's been a month. Good luck and hope it works out

Reading your update, I think you did him a massive disservice by describing both of those incidents as being "dickish".

Rather judgemental of you when he made one comment and then sorted it, and then the meeting at work thing is totally your issue anyway. Your own description left you open to all the comments warning you, when actually I don't think he deserves any of the vitriol.

Excellent- it's all my fault 🤣🤣🤣

(I do actually agree with you. Oh well)

Having read your updates, I am now convinced you have found yourself a keeper. Nothing but huge green flags here. Way to go, OP <3

Yeah I agree he didn’t do two dickish things as OP suggested, they had 2 situations where communication and expectations were misaligned and OP ended up upset. It’s great that they’ve moved forward from it and OP probably/hopefully has lots of coping mechanisms taken from therapy to help with how to deal with stuff like this in a mature way.

Best of luck OP! 🌷

Oh, how nice - thank you both!

I am happy with how these situations were resolved and I do have coping mechanisms and I do think that I am being very mature thus far 😅

Fingers crossed it continues well. 😁

Hope it works out OP. Take it slow, and enjoy it. If it doesn't work out long term, hopefully it will help you to realise that not all men are dicks. I'm 5 years into being single after abuse. It's a big step to date again. Wishing you all the best!

Yes! It already has made me realise this. My view of the world is much sunnier 😄

I am glad I was single for so long, because I also realised during that time that I don't need a man, so there is no way I will be lumbering myself with someone who makes me miserable ever again!

I am sending out much good energy for all my single post crappy relationship sisters ❤️

I read this and actually feel a bit concerned for you. It's been 4 weeks. Just all sounds a bit ... much for the early days of dating.

Enjoy. Be careful ...and bloody enjoy it..
Hope you ahve done enough work notnto repeat patterns.
And enjoy

Look - all the concern is nice and well intentioned but honestly - I have done so much work, I am surrounded by supportive family and friends who have my back - if it all does go wrong I will just walk away. I know this.

Before, I had no self esteem. Now I have bags of it. I deserve fun and I'm having fun. I'm working bloody hard to arrange my fun around all of the other responsibilities and demands in my life and it is worth it.

Why is that worrying? I mean - surely if you're not excited about someone when you first start dating then that isn't a great sign? Being happy and excited and having fun is what dating is supposed to be! And it bloody well is.

Just seeing him makes my stomach jump. It has literally never done this before, with anyone, ever. It's amazing, and I'm having a good time, and that is a good thing for me.

I can't rush it in any case because I have so many responsibilities and demands. I have got this. 😇