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Original poster

Argument brewing with DH (teenager DD and holiday)

113 replies

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 10:51

I’m going to try and keep this quite short and hopefully unbiased as I do see DH’s point of view and actually maybe all I need is a little more advice on Y13 and what we should be prioritising.

Teenage daughter is 17 and starting to Y13 in September, very creative and smart girl who is considering her uni options just now. Unfortunately we missed June’s uni open days so we have made a point of saying that that we will prioritise October’s which I presume from looking online will be her (and our) last opportunity before she needs to apply.

DD’s partners family have been in touch to kindly ask if DD would like to go on holiday with them also in October. I think likely this will fall in the same window as the open days.

DH is a yes guy and I know is going to push to make this happen.

I’m a “I’d love for this to happen, I like my children to have all/any experience they can have but I feel uni choices are quite fucking important and she has her entire life to go on holiday” guy.

We are still in the listening to each others points of view stage but know I’m getting frustrated with him and sure he is with me too so I wondered.

How important are Uni open days (I didn’t go)

Would you be on board with your A level kid going away on holiday a month or so from mocks.

Is this a year for knuckling down and having exams and university places at the forefront or am I being mean and we should biting the hand off an opportunity for her?

(so not to drip feed, we would be contributing financially, DD is very clever but does and will need to to work hard for the results that she wants)

OP posts:
StJulian2023 · 26/07/2024 13:43

I was a yes to the holiday until I saw it’s now not in the holidays. So no.

CautiousLurker · 26/07/2024 13:45

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 13:40

Update.

After a few comments regarding finding out the key information before making a decision, length of holiday, if it does indeed run over chosen uni open days.

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school…

Would that make a difference to anyone?

Yes - I’m zero tolerant to missing days from school in Y13. You think it’s okay, it’s just one week, but it leaves no slack if your child gets Covid/glandular fever etc (mine had both - covid 3x - and missed 4 weeks of school during GCSEs - was a devil to catch up).

School/college very unlikely to sign off too, so there would be a fine, unless DH is proposing you all lie and DD keeps it a secret? Which would be a shame, as she’d have this amazing experience and not be able to talk about it…

TheaBrandt · 26/07/2024 13:45

No I wouldn’t condone missing a weeks school in year 13 for a teenage boyfriend. I’d frankly not be encouraging these quasi married type relationships in teenagers remember couples like that at school they ended up being slightly odd and they missed out on things.

Interested in this thread?

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17 years old Families Secondary education
Drizzlethru · 26/07/2024 13:48

3 years living somewhere you don’t know, maybe have not visited, doing a course and getting into massive debt, or using wealth to pay for.

a good enough reason to research which open days want to visit, where want to go for Uni and sort those dates first!! If a holiday fits in, lovely. If not depends on priorities.

clary · 26/07/2024 13:53

Yeh op read your latest update NO to a week out of school in yr 13, easy answer.

uni open days are useful but I agree with others, not really essential. Ds was doing this in Covid so no open days and it was fine. We just went for a look round.

Haggisfish3 · 26/07/2024 13:53

no way to missing a week of year 13. And I’m a teacher.

travelallthetime · 26/07/2024 13:54

I think with the missing school and the Uni visits....she is nearly 18 and old enough to make her own decisions. You can guide her but really, its her choice. If she thinks she can make up missed time (lets face it, its not like school is it, its a lot of self learning) and is happy to apply to Uni's having not seen them then thats up to her. You need to guide and not decide, in 6 months time she might not even be living at home!

sunsetsandboardwalks · 26/07/2024 13:55

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 13:40

Update.

After a few comments regarding finding out the key information before making a decision, length of holiday, if it does indeed run over chosen uni open days.

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school…

Would that make a difference to anyone?

Then she doesn't go. Easy decision IMO.

TheBigStrawberry · 26/07/2024 14:04

Missing open days is no problem imo, you can get all the information online and with a visit to the city in question if you want to get a feeling for it.

But missing a week of school in year 13? No way. That's not even a question to be asked, it should just be an automatic no from everyone (including her!).

Shinyandnew1 · 26/07/2024 14:08

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school

Absolutely not-I wouldn’t do this in year 13 and think it’s pretty irresponsible of any family member to put pressure on her to go.

beachcitygirl · 26/07/2024 14:11

My daughter didn't go to the official open day of her uni but we did go and poke around & did a tour - I've found most will accommodate.

To be honest all info about uni (even accommodation) have online tours & the real decision is course and the city (which you can visit at anytime )

I do see your perspective but I think I'd allow holiday xx

beachcitygirl · 26/07/2024 14:15

@ByCupidStunt I refer to my daughter's partner as that and she's a teen. People who assume it's a boyfriend are part of that reason.
Also in Scotland 17 year olds can have husbands/wives so they can certainly have partners.

You are rude.

Lemonyfuckit · 26/07/2024 14:17

I went to uni open days but I'm fairly sure (it was a very long time ago!) that whilst helpful for giving a general feel of things, I made my choice entirely on whether I liked the city really and thought I'd like to spend 3 years there. So if all else fails you can still go and visit the relevant cities some other time.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 26/07/2024 14:23

I'm so old we didn't have open days. Also though so old that my parents would not have allowed me to miss any time off sixth form. My dad was very old school.
University was free back in my day, well actually they paid us to go. I feel so sorry for the young people nowadays with the burden of debt and responsibility which this thread is part of in a way. Its so much more serious.
I was part of the student protests against fees and loans. On one occasion I fled for my life from a charge by the police on horseback at the demo I was with. Good Times!

DullFanFiction · 26/07/2024 14:29

Dc1 was a covid A level student so there was hardly any open days going. There was some online stuff that eliminated many of them (In dc1 own words ‘if they can’t organise an online meeting for an hour with the right people after a year, I don’t want to go there).

dc2 was the following year and had all the open days. It helped him decide where he wanted to go.
eg what facilities were available (he is doing engineering so labs were important).
Same with getting a feel for the place, where it was etc…

And tbh having been with him, it does help getting a feel for the place!

DullFanFiction · 26/07/2024 14:31

@KStockHERO what are the ‘post visit days’?

DullFanFiction · 26/07/2024 14:34

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 13:40

Update.

After a few comments regarding finding out the key information before making a decision, length of holiday, if it does indeed run over chosen uni open days.

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school…

Would that make a difference to anyone?

I wouldnt take her out of school for a week at that time!!

Some students have taken a day there and then to do the open days but a whole week is a no go as far as I’m concerned.

redskydarknight · 26/07/2024 14:53

DullFanFiction · 26/07/2024 14:31

@KStockHERO what are the ‘post visit days’?

Offer holder days. Individual departments have an extra "open day light" day/session where students holding offers for their subject are invited to spend time at the university. The ones DD went to involved general subject talk, taster lecture, chances to meet the academic staff plus some of the stuff you get at "normal" open days like chances to look round campus and ask more general questions of specialists (e.g. regarding accommodation or disability needs).

theeyeofdoe · 26/07/2024 14:57

beachcitygirl · 26/07/2024 14:15

@ByCupidStunt I refer to my daughter's partner as that and she's a teen. People who assume it's a boyfriend are part of that reason.
Also in Scotland 17 year olds can have husbands/wives so they can certainly have partners.

You are rude.

Your teenage daughter’s boyfriend is my definition not a partner as they don’t share their life as presumably she lives with you.

OP they should not be having a week off school in year 13, so that is a definite no.

dbeuowlxb173939 · 26/07/2024 14:59

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 13:40

Update.

After a few comments regarding finding out the key information before making a decision, length of holiday, if it does indeed run over chosen uni open days.

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school…

Would that make a difference to anyone?

Yes that makes a difference, I wouldn't let her go out of school holidays in year 13

Octavia64 · 26/07/2024 15:05

I would not take a child out of school for a week in year 13.

In addition my children ruled out some unis as a result of open days -largely on department attitude. One really put us off by saying "even though we are not Oxbridge we're actually better than Oxbridge" and I was wtf?

crumblingschools · 26/07/2024 15:19

I wouldn’t be missing any school with a holiday in Y13, but I would be thinking your DD should also be thinking this is a bad idea.

What has she done in respect of university open days, research etc? We were led by DS through the uni process rather than us leading him

BellesAndGraces · 26/07/2024 15:25

PardontheFrench · 26/07/2024 13:40

Update.

After a few comments regarding finding out the key information before making a decision, length of holiday, if it does indeed run over chosen uni open days.

We have now found out it is a week out with the October break so missing a week of school…

Would that make a difference to anyone?

Appreciate this is your oldest child, but is this development actually that complicated for you to get round yourself? If MN said “oh it’s absolutely fine for a Yr13 student to miss a week of school” would you just say ah ok then?

FictionalCharacter · 26/07/2024 15:30

MermaidEyes · 26/07/2024 10:57

I should also add, I know several kids who have gone to a university they never even visited until they started freshers week!

Like my DC, who wasn't able to go to the open days and had never ever been to the town until freshers week!

I agree with what @KStockHERO said. Generic open days tend to be a festival of "look how fabulous we are" talks and displays. And if he can't get to an open day, you can request a visit. Or even just wander round the campus.

Thelondonone · 26/07/2024 15:33

I’d be more worried about when her mocks are. Our oct half term is really late and our mocks are the day we get back.