Argument brewing with DH (teenager DD and holiday)

[PardontheFrench]

I’m going to try and keep this quite short and hopefully unbiased as I do see DH’s point of view and actually maybe all I need is a little more advice on Y13 and what we should be prioritising.

Teenage daughter is 17 and starting to Y13 in September, very creative and smart girl who is considering her uni options just now. Unfortunately we missed June’s uni open days so we have made a point of saying that that we will prioritise October’s which I presume from looking online will be her (and our) last opportunity before she needs to apply.

DD’s partners family have been in touch to kindly ask if DD would like to go on holiday with them also in October. I think likely this will fall in the same window as the open days.

DH is a yes guy and I know is going to push to make this happen.

I’m a “I’d love for this to happen, I like my children to have all/any experience they can have but I feel uni choices are quite fucking important and she has her entire life to go on holiday” guy.

We are still in the listening to each others points of view stage but know I’m getting frustrated with him and sure he is with me too so I wondered.

How important are Uni open days (I didn’t go)

Would you be on board with your A level kid going away on holiday a month or so from mocks.

Is this a year for knuckling down and having exams and university places at the forefront or am I being mean and we should biting the hand off an opportunity for her?

(so not to drip feed, we would be contributing financially, DD is very clever but does and will need to to work hard for the results that she wants)

Open days are a bit of a waste of time. You could visit the city and the uni any time you like if you want to get a feel for the place. At open days you attend a generic talk where all the info is in the prospectus anyway, you can tour some halls of residence which probably won’t be the ones you will be in anyway, you can ask questions that you could email and basically mill round the campus with the rest of the crowds. I mean go if you like but it’s not disastrous if you don’t and most places will do an applicant day in February or March and they’re so desperate for student numbers that you can probably fix up a private tour if you email the right people.

Open days really aren't essential.

October half term is fine to go away. Personally o think the open days are a waste of time. Find 5 unis she likes the look of and then go to offer holders day to decide

Open days are not super important. Not least because you can get a feel for what a university city/campus is like just from visiting on a normal day and having a look around. I didn't go to any open days myself, because I was actually working in the year before I went to university and couldn't get the time off. I just went to visit and have a look round independently when I could.

I also wouldn't have an issue with her going on holiday a month before her mocks. Firstly, they're mocks. Secondly, a break will do her good. Her future is not going to be ruined by a week in the sun with her boy/girlfriend's family.

I'd add that your daughter is very nearly an adult and the point at which you can make these decisions for her is pretty much over anyway.

He's not her partner he's her boyfriend! 17 year old schoolgirls don't have partners - they have homework, and boyfriends.
Absolutely. I find it a bit creepy applying such an adult word to a child

It really doesn't matter.

Also the OP doesn't specify that the partner is a boy.

Holiday definitely, as life balance is important. She can arrange campus visits around it. Aeons ago I think I went to one open day and just put other options down based on courses that looked good, were a distance away that I was happy with and had conditional offer grades in the ballpark I was in. I had visited the city before, so I knew I liked the feel of the place & wanted to go there.

DH went through clearing and I don't think had heard of, let alone visited, his Uni before going there, he had a great time there and has gone on to have a lucrative career.

I'd be more concerned that if they had split up by then do you still have to pay towards the holiday?

If I were you I’d be saying to DD, ‘I’m happy for you to go if you’ve done your research and know which universities you want to visit, and the dates they’re available. You need to make a list so we can make a decision - if one of your top choices falls during this holiday, would you still choose to go or do you think it would be better not to? University is a big decision whereas a holiday with X can happen another time so let’s just look at all the info before saying yes or no. Get me a list of where you want to visit and the dates.’

If she wants to go to uni she needs to be organised. It’s a bit of a worry that doesn’t seem to have happened yet.

They also sometimes have girl friends…

And more importantly parents who respect their personal information

I'm another who thinks that whilst visiting is good, it's actually better going on a normal day and getting a feel for the atmosphere. Self guided tours, or setting up a 1:1 with faculty members who are willing are even better.

At 17, this should really be a case where you both give your view and then allow her to make her choice.

I didn’t go to uni open days and my DH didn’t either. In fact he’d never been to Manchester until he turned up on the first of freshers week.

Just contact the uni you're interested in and ask for a visit, you won't see the accommodation but will find out more and get s feel for the place more than you would at an open day

I've just had a search and loads of Uni open days scheduled in Sept / early Oct so no clash with half term if that's when they are proposing to go away.

Get her to specify HEIs she wants to visit and when that will be, as you may be entering an argument unnecessarily.

From putting two DC through university - here's my take on Open Days.

Now is the time for your DD to choose courses and shortlist universities. Then details the dates of the Open Days of the ones to visit. (My DD visited 8 unis and my DS 5). If one of the Open days falls in that half term then I don't think it's too bad you don't visit it then - there maybe other dates. There are always the Offer Holders days to go again - or as some people have suggested - visit without it being an Open Day.

We found Open Days useful for eliminating certain universities and deciding what DC wanted out of university. (It was a bit like viewing houses when you realise after a visit either location is important or big kitchens for example).

So in summary - I think you can do both / go on holiday and attend Open Days/universities.

I also disagree with the people saying that your DD should be doing everything - it's a joint one as she doesn't have the life experience yet to think everything through. It's always useful to get a second opinion.

Thanks everyone that’s been really helpful. It’s not often MN makes me change my mind about something but you have given me good information and bit more perspective.

I particularly like the idea of saying that she can go but she needs to get all her uni applications and open day research done first.

If she isn't looking at early entry (mid October deadline for medicine, vet, dentistry or Oxbridge) and will be submitting for the usual Jan deadline next year then the best thing she can do is just visit the place, she can go on a weekend or any inset day she has at college. She can come back for an open day later on if possible.

Open days are often held on days when the students aren't there so for campus universities this gives a whole different feel to it. We did take Ds2 in October half term to a couple of unis just to show him the difference between large city, small city and campus unis.

His offer from Warwick was late and his offer holder day came a week before his A level exams so he didn't go as travelling there and back takes so long plus then walking around the place. As it is Warwick he needs 2 A stars so he felt revising was a better use of his time. He has since been to Warwick to walk around but has seen a lot online.

Re the holiday they could have broken up by then so tread carefully around arranging that.

November mocks are often helpful to demonstrate a higher grade profile than that of the end of year 12 as they will have had summer to work on grade improvement.

@PardontheFrench

DD’s partners family have been in touch

How can a 17 year old schoolgirl have a partner?🙈

But on a different note - none of my children and now my eldest grandchild have ever visited universities as international students for open days prior to starting their studies abroad. It didn’t do any harm.

DD 28 went to the open day for her first choice, had to go through clearing and ended up in Cardiff. Had never been there before, loved the city and stayed there to work.
DS didn't go to open days but we visited the city that summer after a levels for his first choice. Had a good experience and graduated last week
Remember an open day is just a snap shot and they've their 'whistle and bells on'.
Loads of info online, student forums etc. Plus research into cost of accommodation, standard of student lettings etc.

Do you mean to be so rude?

Oh bless your little heart I don't think that's rude. If you do, you must have led a very sheltered life.

I think you can shortlist from propectuses but you don't get the whole picture. For example, at one subject talk the academics said they were changing the course the following year, so the information on the website could only be considered indicative (and they were removing some of the elements that most appealed to DD).

Actually being there also gives you an idea of what it would be like to live in that environment which you can't get from text alone e.g. at Warwick many students live out at Leamington Spa which is a bus ride away - it was useful to talk to current students and find out how that worked out in practice (and find out how many have cars). My DD also had specific questions, so it was good to have a forum to ask them.

We washed out one university that DD had previously liked after visiting; and another that she hadn't liked so much on paper really went up her priority list.

1. Google the open days for the universities and subjects I'm interested in
2. Write down the dates
3. Talk to my parents about which ones I want to go to
4. Profit?

We went to 6 open days last year and a couple this year, before DD applied. Only one fell on the Saturday of half term and we just arranged to go after the open day. I do think they are important, but there are loads of them.

I never went to any uni days apart from our local one and my mum announced it would be great if I went there so I could continue to babysit my half sister every weekend.
That decided it that I was going anywhere other than my local uni so I just applied to various unis then chose one and went there having never visited the city before in my life. I had an amazing time and I'm still friends with the people I was in halls with 20 years after leaving. Mine happened to be a "red brick uni" so a good one but even if it wasn't I think it's about the people you meet anyway.

My uni has about 6 open events a year (they are the bane of my life). I think often they are more for the parents so that they are reassured that their financial investment is worthwhile. I didn’t do one before I went to uni and never regretted it. You can’t get much of an insight from a day anyway. I’ve heard of people discounting a place because the weather was bad that day or because the student guide (whom they will never ever meet again) was a bit rude. I’ve also heard of people loving a place and picking it because of one particular staff member who makes an impression and that staff member either doesn’t end up teaching them or has left by the time they join. I mean do them if you want to but in my view they are more about boosting the takings of the uni coffee shops 😂 I’d obviously never say that in real life though and extol their virtues to anyone that asks.