How do I accept my mum's scantiness?

[OuchIsLife]

My mum never remembers anything I tell her and follows up on it. I know it's a scatty thing rather than a care thing but it still hurts. Examples are:

Didn't message me on the day of my scan for my children including gender scans. I definitely told her when they were.

I'm getting divorced and today my kids go on their first holiday without me. She hasn't messaged or contacted me to acknowledge it's a hard day for me.

Am I expecting too much? My friends message me or if not they will ask about those things the next time I see them. My mum does neither. But she always messages me to say she misses me and is thinking of me. But I just think well that's about her and her feelings but what about showing care for me and what's going on in my life?

I would feel the exact same way as you if my mum did this.

Have you told her how it makes you feel?

Hmmm, I don’t really think those examples are bad. Some people are really diligent at checking in but most people I know operate a ‘ask next time I speak to you’ way of communicating or if you want to talk on a particular day, you instigate the contact and start the conversation.

For me that’s a more realistic and natural way of communicating.

It doesn't stop hurting, but I've come to the conclusion that as my mother has always been like this, she will never change. 3 weeks after smallest ds was born I was admitted to hospital, it was serious I nearly died. Did she phone, write, send a raven with a message did she heck!

I'm not sure it's scattiness, it is just a different approach to communication and expressing love/care

@GagaBinks I haven't no. Shes so sensitive she would take it as an attack. I don't mean she would be manipulative about it as she wouldn't intend to make it all about herself but she literally wouldn't be able to deal with it in any other way but to feel overly hurt about it. And then I don't think she would be able to change anyway and that might hurt me even more!

@Thatsfrenchforstopahorse but she wouldn't ask at next time we speak either. She wouldn't hold any detail in mind and definitely wouldn't have any sort of time frame. I'm bad at remember things but if it's important I would put it in my diary. She wouldn't.

@UltramarineViolet yeah I don't know what to call it. I feel like I used to not be naturally like that with people but then I realised I really appreciated it when my friends didn't remember little details of my life and so I consciously started making an effort to remember stuff and I found it helped conversation flow when I saw them too.

Just tell her on the day things happen. Not everyone puts a note in their diary of when someone's scan is going to be.

@DelphineFox but why don't they? It's a genuine question. I want to understand her way of being so that I'm not continuasly hurt by it. All my mind goes to is that she doesn't remember and doesn't care to write it down is because shes so wrapped up with her and her emotions that to think outside of herself and of other people's lives just doesn't happen.

(I'm not trying to be disagreeable...I'm just trying to thrash it out so that I can change my mindset)

I imagine that she uses her diary to keep track of her own life life most people do

Whilst it is obviously thoughtful to message family/friends on significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries etc), I wouldn't expect nor want anyone I don't live with to keep a close track on everything going on in my life

But why don't you mention it on the day if you want support?

"Hi mum we're off to our scan"
"Oh good luck, let me know how it goes"

"The kids have just left for holiday with the ex"
"Oh are you free for a catch up?"

Surely better than waiting for her to call when she's forgotten and then being annoyed about it.

Do you keep track of your mum's life OP? Do you write things she tells you in your diary? Your style of communication sounds exhausting to me. I couldn't be doing with it tbh. If you want something back from someone you need to reach out to them. Other people are not characters in your show, they have other stuff going on.

I find this odd. You are an adult OP, you don't need your mum every time you have a difficult feeling.

@KittensSchmittens the big things yes. Like my dad's operation. I wrote it down and his follow up appointment I just remembered. So I messaged her the day before those sending my support as I knew they would be stressful for her.

I'm not talking about every thing that's going on I'm talking about particularly important or difficult things.

My mum clearly wants more communication with me as she messages me a lot. But it's always just "I miss you" or "I'm thinking of you" or sending a pic of a cute animal. I just think all of that is pointless. If she wants to start a meaningful conversation with me why doesn't she care about my life. Writing this down...Maybe she doesn't want meaning full conversation. Maybe she just wants to tell me I miss you. I don't even know how to reply to that tbh. I don't miss her as I don't feel that connected to her. I'd feel connected to her if she shared my life with me. That's what I do with my friends and visa versa.

Scattiness is being forgetful/disorganized,that's not how your mum is behaving, it sounds like she communicates differently to you as a PP said.

Yes, if I'm honest that's how we operate here.

OP I think it's nice she sends you these wee 'I miss you' type messages. She's trying, but she doesn't know how to start a conversation. I read an interesting article a while back about the two different communication styles people use (door openers versus can't remember sorry!!) and if it's a mismatch, it's just not going to work. And it's incredibly painful if it's a parent. She's reliant on you instigating and spontaneously telling her what she needs to know. You are desperate for her to use her initiative and simply take an interest in your life! I actually sat with my Mum with our diaries open recently and she still cannot ask 'How's work?' or message me 'Are you having a nice time?' when I'm on holiday. She never asks and she never will. I messaged her last week to tell her I was successful at interview and had my dream job. No she didn't message on the day to wish me luck and no she didn't message me congratulations!! Acceptance is all xx

Do you have siblings, op? My mum says a vague 'let me know how it goes/ how he or she gets on' if I tell her any of our important events, but there are quite a few of us so it's up to us to follow up. She's always interested in our news during the telling of it, but we wouldn't expect her to remember something in enough detail to text on the day, as she has so many grandchildren. The onus is on us to keep her in the loop.
(She never forgets a single thing about our dog though.)

I'm really surprised by the outcome in this thread. Maybe I'm closer with my mum than I realise. She knows all the big stuff in my life and would message asking how things went etc. We message every day.

I'm with you OP, even if no-one else appears to be!

@Wisterical I didn't say every time I have a difficult feeling. I mean big stuff like I've explained above.

@SidekickSylvia she doesn't say let me know how you get on either. But I somehow know that she does care about me. I think she socially steuggles. I have two brothers. I don't think they even reply to her when she messages them.

@permanently I guess I'm finding the acceptance hard because when I talk to her I can feel she wants more from our relationship. But how can I be closer to her when I'm not really getting any indication that she's properly listening and understanding me. I think she just wants me to send her I love you and I miss you messages too. Maybe that's all she wants and I've been interpreting her wrong.

I would find it really odd to write someone else's engagements in one's diary when they don't involve the diary owner. The only reason I'd write grandchildren going on holiday without their mum would be if I were needed to give them a lift to the airport or similar.

I would naturally remember significant events in my close family's life, but not everyone does. It's just different memories and different ways of communicating. As a pp said, remind her of what's going on if you want a hand hold on a particular day. She's not going to suddenly have a better memory for dates and events if you tell her off so work on what you can do.

I think you need to ask HQ to correct your thread title , OP. I thought it was going to be about DM’s underwear, or possibly meagre catering habits.

My mum would wait for me to let her know the outcome of the scan, and I don't think it would cross her mind (or mine) that she should remember what day my child was going on holiday.

If I felt the need to talk about it with her, I would ring her.

It's about perspective though. Neither of the things you mentioned sound like big events to me. Does your mum know that they were a big deal for you? If you didn't tell her, she probably didn't.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭 ah I only just noticed! I'm going to leave it as it's funny. Obvs she's not the only one with communication issues!