How do I accept my mum's scantiness?

[OuchIsLife]

My mum never remembers anything I tell her and follows up on it. I know it's a scatty thing rather than a care thing but it still hurts. Examples are:

Didn't message me on the day of my scan for my children including gender scans. I definitely told her when they were.

I'm getting divorced and today my kids go on their first holiday without me. She hasn't messaged or contacted me to acknowledge it's a hard day for me.

Am I expecting too much? My friends message me or if not they will ask about those things the next time I see them. My mum does neither. But she always messages me to say she misses me and is thinking of me. But I just think well that's about her and her feelings but what about showing care for me and what's going on in my life?

The bigging up of the mundane and trying to make her life sound interesting - you know what, I think your mum is lonely. Your brothers' refusal to be in contact probably makes that huge gap between what used to be (when you were all small and at home and it was noisy and chaotic) and how life is now absolutely gaping. But you only have to read some posts on here to know how mums that constantly message are considered over the top and intrusive. And mums who never message are distant and unconcerned. I guess it's hard to hit that middle ground of showing you care without being annoying. Maybe she's just not found that middle ground yet.

Yanbu

I am notoriously scatty. If I think there's a danger of forgetting a loved one has an important event of difficul day coming up, I put a reminder in my diary. She could do try doing the same, but the fact that she hasn't doesn't mean she doesn't care - just that it hasn't occurred to her.

Tbh my adhd bell is ringing here.

Can you not just sit down and have a gentle but clear conversation with her? "Mum I know you love me but when you do /,don't do xyz it makes me feel unimportant and uncared for. I sense you want a closer relationship and I do too but this is a big thing for me. Can you find a way to address it?"

Quick turn around....I told my mum I'd be missing my boys this week. She's messaged me twice to see how I'm getting on.

I think I've expected her to know how I'm feeling. Thanks for helping me every one

I agree with this. I think your mum’s way of communication actually sounds lovely, OP, and I would interpret it as her wanting to be there if you need her but not over-impose herself.

In an earlier post you said this: My mum clearly wants more communication with me as she messages me a lot. But it's always just "I miss you" or "I'm thinking of you" or sending a pic of a cute animal. I just think all of that is pointless. If she wants to start a meaningful conversation with me why doesn't she care about my life. — I actually think that’s harsh of you and my heart breaks for her a little bit. Clearly she does care about your life if she’s thinking of you and repeatedly reaching out. Plenty of people have mums who never contact them at all — I was on a thread about that issue very recently.

Your typo in the title is awesome! I thought this was going to be about your mum wandering round in her undies too.

@Whataretalkingabout

My dm had a photographic memory for remembering stuff we all had on. She had a big family with tons of gc but still remembered and immediately asked when you called or visited. Yet she rarely said l love you or l miss you etc. She seemed a bit emotionless. I had such a longing for her to say these things. I wonder do we yearn for what we don't get whatever it is. As l grew older l made a very conscious decision to accept her exactly as she was..no expectations. I did the emotions stuff from my side and let her do herself. I was amazed how close we got. I realised she had been brought up in a different time, in a different way and really was who she was. By the time she passed away l was in awe of her thoughtfulness in keeping us all in mind and wondered why l ever needed the other
The difference between fantasy and reality brings depression and disappointment. Go with reality. Let go of the fantasy and see how it goes. She is who she is at this stage. Depend on your friends and have no expectations of her so anything you get is a bonus.

If you expect other people to behave exactly like you, do, you’ll often be disappointed and confused.

It’s fine to have your way of doing things, but you need to be able to acknowledge that that’s not the only way. Most people I know don’t write other’s calendars in their diaries and send them a message about one off events. That doesn’t make them scatty and uncaring. Judging others harshly for not doing what you do means that you’re exhibiting the self-centredness you accuse your mum of, and making yourself unhappy in the process.

If you want a chat or support, just ask for it. Don’t expect someone to read your mind, then stew quietly when they don’t.

If this isn’t part of a bigger picture in which your mum is dismissive of you, do you think you need to work on your self worth so you’re more confident that people care about you, or can think more flexibly to accept people’s differences?

My mum was incredibly self-absorbed. She wanted a relationship with her daughter but she had no idea who I was. That bit was completely irrelevant. (In fact, the reality completely got in the way of the image she had of her daughter…) I had to meet her with the same energy she sent me or I would go insane. She was entirely unwilling to see the effect her behaviour had on me (or anyone else) because it was too painful for her.