How do I accept my mum's scantiness?

[OuchIsLife]

My mum never remembers anything I tell her and follows up on it. I know it's a scatty thing rather than a care thing but it still hurts. Examples are:

Didn't message me on the day of my scan for my children including gender scans. I definitely told her when they were.

I'm getting divorced and today my kids go on their first holiday without me. She hasn't messaged or contacted me to acknowledge it's a hard day for me.

Am I expecting too much? My friends message me or if not they will ask about those things the next time I see them. My mum does neither. But she always messages me to say she misses me and is thinking of me. But I just think well that's about her and her feelings but what about showing care for me and what's going on in my life?

@Fink yeah I think I need to be clearer with her. Thank you.

I make notes in my calendar on my phone of important things happening with friends and family - scan appointments would fall into that category and then I would send them a message beforehand. It's simply not right that you should have to remind people on the day of something important to you to elicit a response - that would be meaningless. If people care, they remember and check in.

You don't message all your loved ones saying "hey it's my birthday today" in order that they reply "happy birthday" do you? They just remember!

I agree with this. I wouldn’t have expected my mum to keep a note of when all my scans were and message me each time, or contact me on the day my kids went off on holiday.
She doesn’t sound scatty or uncaring to me OP. She probably thinks that if you want to talk to her about these things you’ll call her. I didn’t feel the need to discuss my scans with my mum and certainly wouldn’t have expected her to message me on the day.

I now have an image of your mum walking round in a tiny bikini LOL!

@Ilovemyshed 😂😂 I don't know which would be worse scanty or scatty

Personally I agree with this.

If you care about someone, you care about the things that are important to them and you make an effort.

I'm in two minds about this. I'm a mum of five and if I tried to remember every single thing that each one has told me about things that are going on in their lives I'd never get to work. I do try to keep important things in my head, but life (my own) gets in the way. Gender scans are the business of the parents of the putative child I think, and grandparents should wait to hear results, not be instantly messaging 'well? What is it??' which I would find intensely irritating. Likewise your children going away without you - surely that's when you ring your mum and say that they've gone away and you're feeling down, not waiting for your mum to wade in and presuppose that you are feeling down. Maybe you weren't? Maybe you were out with a friend enjoying your freedome? Then your mum would be intrusive, ringing you up all the time.

So it's like she has a hands-off, no news is good news, I'll hear when she needs me, style of parenting (which is like mine). You have an anxious need to be reassured style.

Yea I was about to say my mum was notorious for walking around in her undies!
To be honest I never remember certain things. But big things yes. Not sure I'd think your kids going away was a 'big thing'! Just tell her or call her if you need her support.

It sounds as if you want more from your relationship with your mother than she is capable of giving. It seems that you crave a deeper, more connected relationship and she just can't be that person for you. That is okay. Try not to take it personally. You will have to accept her as she is and not how you would like her to be.

Does she write anything else down though?

Important stuff to do with other people?

Lists?

OP acceptance has come recently for me, as I've realised my Mum has a communication 'disorder.' She can mask with friends and acquaintances and create a general back and forth with them - and is lovely with it - but she cannot ask questions of me. Even though I've scaffolded/written down open ended questions for her. She monologues and tries very hard to be entertaining/theatrical/amusing to make up for the lack of intimacy and she also very much sticks to 'safe' subjects. She cannot ask me 'How are you?' as listening for an unpredictable answer is too painful for her to process. She has had to do this her whole life. Your Mum is definitely reaching out and is willing to make herself vulnerable, which is very endearing. Xx

She is already demonstrating that she is regularly thinking of you without prompting by sending the "I love you" messages, so it isn't that you are 'out of sight out of mind' for her.
Maybe she doesn't want to get it wrong on the other occasions - I'd not message about a baby scan in case it was bad news and the parents needed time to process, or I interrupted the actual event. Similarly maybe she doesn't want to presume how you feel about the holiday or remind you if you have successfully distracted yourself?

Tbf I've noticed I get a lot more birthday greetings from people I don't see literally everyday since social media started prompting everyone.....

I've taken in everything you've said up to the point about her being hands off. She's not hands off as she always messages me. It's confusing!

She doesn't work and has no understanding of what days I work and have off.

This resonates a lot with me. My mum loves to tell stories...stories of her childhood and she'll make a big theatrical story of something very mundane that's happened to her that day. I honestly don't know how to respond to her when she tells me these stories I don't find them amusing. It just makes me think I don't know how to relate to you or even converse with you.

Your Mum is definitely reaching out and is willing to make herself vulnerable, which is very endearing. And that's exactly why it's hard for me to just accept it the way it is...because we both want more but I just don't know how to relate or connect with her.

Your last post in particular does make it sound like a mismatch in your relational styles.

There's nothing wrong with storytelling as a way to connect with others. It's not about the story, it's about connecting with you and feeling heard. I hope you don't just glaze over and give her a bored expression.

Why does it matter whether her stories amuse you? They clearly amuse her. In the same way that she's probably not sad about your kids going on holiday but you are.

You feel hurt that she doesn't remember the things you want her to. Maybe she feels hurt that you treat her as boring when she shares the parts of her day that mattered to her and tries to connect with you.

Some of this is on you too.

Have you ever tried just meeting her where she is with the storytelling and matching her level of enthusiasm in your reaction?

So, I'm not the only one one who read the title and immediately pictured knickers! 🤣🤣🤣

Sounds like you're expecting quite a formal relationship. I am very close to my mum and we have an informal relationship so I would call her and say 'Mum, I'm feeling down about the kids going away today' etc. What happens if you do that?

Also, like I say we are really close but I'm sure it was me ringing to say 'we just had the scan' etc not the other way round.

@owladventure raises some good points which I will reflect upon.

I'm sure that for years OP has laughed along, smiled, provided support in social settings and enjoyed her mother's company on such occasions. But now she's older, things are quieter and she's in front of her Mum thinking 'why can't you see me?' This leads to 'why doesn't she want to see me?' Then the realisation hits that she never really saw you. And then the introspection starts...

OP's Mum sounds a sweetheart and I'm rooting for them both. To the posters who think family members should simply remember key dates/pieces of information, you are speaking from a privileged position. Put yourself in someone else's shoes whose executive functioning is impaired (through no fault of their own.) Diaries/lists/prompts are their coping strategy. No doubt they've learned the hard way!

What's her relationship like with others op? Her relationship with her own mum? Friends? She sounds like she's potentially avoidant/anxious attachment. She probably doesn't know how to get close/it's scary to her to get close vunerable.

You can only really put in place your own boundaries and expectations so you aren't feeling consistently disappointed by the relationship. You could try to talk to her perhaps reccomend counselling to her but it sounds like she won't have the skills to really hear you.

I'm sorry the relationship with your mum isn't the one you wish to have it's very hard. We get told our mums should ideally be our best friend and love us unconditionally but for many of us it just isn't the case. It is possible to heal that wound and accept the relationship for what it is. Getting that support and love from our other relationships or within ourselves.

Sorry but i wouldn't message to ask about scans, id assume the parents to be would offer the information when they are ready (a quick read of Mumsnet shows you that most younger people don't want their parents to be messaging constantly) also re the holiday, wouldn't even occur to me, nobody messaged me for sure, it was no big deal

I’m feeling like a weirdo reading these responses. I would never expect anyone to remember what was going on in my life, I feel like everyone is so busy and overwhelmed it’s hard enough to remember the stuff happening in your own world let alone anyone else’s. If I need support I just ask. But now I feel like I must be a terrible friend because everyone else seems to expect people to know and check in unprompted. There’s probably a MN thread about what an awful friend I am!