Criticism over physical appearance

[1035tg]

I have three kids and try to ignore most of the insults etc that get thrown my way (especially by teen daughters).

But recently I have been inundated by criticisms of my physical appearance by my 10 year old son. I am fat (his friend concurred - they didn't know I was listening), have loads of pimples (why don't you pop them Mum? Can you please before my friends come over?) And now today I have dandruff which is gross. I'm a size 10-12 (only 5'5 and therefore yes am overweight), working on my skin with a dermatologist which has been a lifelong battle and had no idea that I had dandruff. I'm just feeling like a pile of crap. Is this usual for boys this age or am I actually just a completely embarrassing mess? Feeling quite down and pathetic.

At 5’5” and a size10/12 there is no way you could be considered overweight.

Your kids on the other hand sound deeply unpleasant and should not be insulting you.

All of us are embarrassing to our children so they will say ridiculous things to their mates but they should not be saying this sort of thing to your face and you shouldn’t be letting them think it is ok for them to insult you.

Is their father on the scene? How does he talk to you?

Edit to add - no it is not just you that get these comments but most of us try not to allow our kids to continually treat us this way

Why are you ignoring your teenage daughters insulting you? I have DD16 and DD19 and they would never. Rather than ignore it, you need to tackle them on it.

And you’re not fat if you’re size 10-12.

Do you suffer with anxiety or other mental health problems, OP? Do you normally struggle with setting appropriate boundaries and asserting yourself? Your thinking about your weight certaimly appears to be quite disordered. Do you set aside time and money for your own hobbies, friends, and time to take care of yourself?

Of course it's completely unacceptable for your children to speak to you in that way. But most people don't need to ask that. My suspicion is that you have a pretty low opinion of yourself and your own self worth, and that's what your teens are exploiting.

It's not just you who gets comments like that op: but you do need to nip it in the proverbial bud

Just checking - are you in the UK or US? Only there a size 10-12 is 14-16.

irrespective of that I am a UK size 18. My sons 9 and 12 say I am beautiful and cuddly and they love me just as I am.

Your son is being really nasty and should understand the impact his words have. Definitely ban him from having a friend over if it makes him behave this way.

He needs to learn right now fhat this is misogynistic and is not a healthy attitude toward women. not good at all, OP.
I am sorry you’re feeling worse - while it is true kids can be outspoken and rude, this is disrespectful. I wonder if his friend is a good influence?

My children have been raised and taught by me that we do not comment on people's physical appearances in a negative way. That includes weight, skin colour, skin conditions, hair, clothing. They grasped the concept VERY easily and it wasn't a battle to teach them this. So the fact that your children speak to you this way shows that you have not taught them this life lesson. I would never allow my children to make these kind of remarks about anyone never mind myself!

I think you need to explain to them that some things are not acceptable. Maybe a few lessons on what is acceptable!

It was my mom's issue. She had depression.

I only realised this in my adult years but I absolutely was not responsible as a child for her depression and the fact she barely washed or brushed her hair, wore dirty ill fitting clothes and just generally looked miserable.

I wasn't rude to my mother about it and that is where the difference lies between me and OP's son but I felt how I felt, which was deeply embarrassed.

I didn't care if my mom was beautiful or deemed attractive to my friends. But I did care that she looked very shabby in public all the time.

Right well that's something completely different isn't it?

Well we don't know do we as neither of us personknow OP? Maybe OP is not taking care of herself very well for one reason or another and that's why I suggested she do an honest self assessment.

Sorry, I couldn't come back and face this. I have a professional job, and I am hyper vigilant with appearance. I am a UK 10-12 not US sizing for whoever asked. I do live in a very affluent area, full of supermodel type mums. I know I need to try harder to exercise and eat well. I just don't know how other mums juggle it all.

I'm also very shy (?) I wouldnt know how to suggest to someone, especially a child, that they should be more polite to me

Sorry op but they sound like absolute brats.

I suggest you have a day where you don't cook for them or ferry them around or run round after them. Focus on exercising and pampering. If they object tell them that you are focusing on your appearance rather than their needs and they can look after themselves.

The mums in my area would consider size uk 8 and above to be overweight. It's that sort of vibe.

Failure to teach your children manners won’t help them to understand how to treat people in later life. Would they dare say this stuff to their teachers?

They're your DC not strangers...you don't need to worry about social niceties...tell them straight to have some bloody respect for you and to never mention your appearance again.

Please, please try to recognise this as a parenting problem not a personal appearance one. You shouldn’t feel too shy to call out your children for behaving appallingly. What kind of force do you think they will be in the world if they think this is okay? Who else will they bully?

You parent him.

How dare you be so rude to me - you don't say nasty things to anybody about their appearance. It's unacceptable in school, it's unacceptable in public and it's totally unacceptable in the home I/we provide for you.

Now go and tidy your room as you are not going to football/rugby/swimming/have friends round or anything else you like doing until you remember your manners when you're speaking to me.

Same goes for the girls (which is where he's picked it up from). As they're older, the money stops, the washing particular outfits, buying particular things, the lifts and permission slips. 'With the way you have been speaking to me, I don't want to'. 'No'. 'Oh well, perhaps when you learn to speak to people with a semblance of politeness, you'll be able to get people to do what you want. Until then, though, the answer is No'.

You tell them that it's extremely rude and that you will not put up with them talking to you like that. There has to be a consequence, withdraw something they like and want. And tell them that if it ever happens again that consequence will escalate.

They will strop off and claim they hate you. They don't, they just don't like facing the consequences of their behaviour. Bet they don't talk like that to other adults.

Stand firm, they have no right to talk to you like that. You are in charge of them and this is not unreasonable. It's about raising young people who know how to behave appropriately.

Agree...this is nothing to do with how you actually look. It's about their behaviour.

How many mums look like supermodels FFS?

A child or YOUR child? Basic manners you should have been installing from toddlerhood are don't point, don't stare, don't make comments about other peoples appearance. If he wouldn't do it to anyone else then a sharp reminder that I'm applies to family too, if he WOULD say this kind of thing to other people then you need to get on top of it ASAP.

You... don't know how to tell your children off for being rude?

Where is your DC's dad in all this? I would 100% not allow any of my DC to speak to me this way, but even if they did, DH would rip them one and be very clear that they would speak to me with respect at all times or they would regret it.

Agree. Or even worse: they might make friends that are as morally ill as they are being right now and cause much more suffering to people around them.

To be a but insecure about your parents is okay, but that is plain cold and sadistic. Please do not let them get away with it.

If there is still time, find a way to make them understand how low that is and inspire them to genuinely desire to be good people. Simply keeping the behaviour out of sight will still bring trouble in the long run,

WTAF? I would never have tolerated any personal, hurtful comments from our DDs at any age. I would have shut that down instantly. To add, I have also never made personal/hurtful comments to our DDs either. It's a 2 way street.