Criticism over physical appearance

[1035tg]

I have three kids and try to ignore most of the insults etc that get thrown my way (especially by teen daughters).

But recently I have been inundated by criticisms of my physical appearance by my 10 year old son. I am fat (his friend concurred - they didn't know I was listening), have loads of pimples (why don't you pop them Mum? Can you please before my friends come over?) And now today I have dandruff which is gross. I'm a size 10-12 (only 5'5 and therefore yes am overweight), working on my skin with a dermatologist which has been a lifelong battle and had no idea that I had dandruff. I'm just feeling like a pile of crap. Is this usual for boys this age or am I actually just a completely embarrassing mess? Feeling quite down and pathetic.

His older sisters by the sound of it....

Just wait until he hits his teenage years and gets all greasy and spotty and awkward. JUST. WAIT.

@Starlight1979 and where did they get it from 🤔

How rude!

I'm a size 10-12 (only 5'5 and therefore yes am overweight)

Why ‘therefore’?! How is a 10/12 overweight?

So sorry you are dealing with this op. One of my teen dds criticised me a lot when she was going through a difficult patch. (She is back to her lovely self now thankfully.). She didn’t criticise my appearance, but she was critical of my pt job and the way I managed the house. Apparently everyone else’s mums were much more high-powered and had nicer houses.

I took it really personally, closed down and handled it badly. I couldn’t understand the hostility when I did so much for them. It really felt like a kick in the guts.

In retrospect I should have taken on board that it’s not exactly unusual that teens cause conflict in the home because they are testing their wings. They are challenging authority and testing out their power on their way to flying the nest. They usually expect to be reprimanded when they cross a line.

So instead of feeling hurt op, try and make that line very clear to them.

Also, they are coming to terms with discovering that their parents, who were once omnipotent In their eyes, are
flawed and ordinary like everyone else. And it’s disappointing. So try not to take it personally op.

Teens are usually quite accurate observers (not saying they are at all in this situation mind you) so they are allowed to make a comment but immediately say something back like “You are allowed to comment but we don’t criticise people’s appearance in this house. I only listen when feedback is given in a helpful way” and walk away.

Your ten year old is getting cocky and mimicking his sisters. Definitely do not tolerate any rudeness from any of them and when he asks if his friends can come over say “not this time because I heard you criticising me with them and that is rude and disrespectful behaviour”.

Where is your partner or dh in all of this op? My dh would infuriate me by becoming a referee in the middle instead of supporting me and parenting as a team. He was away working a lot of the time which didn’t help. I am sure that contributed to the problem.

I'm wondering the same.

I'm sorry it made you feel worse but it's really not acceptable to comment on people's appearance like that. They should be more respectful.

How are you feeling in yourself op? Aside from all the dc stuff I mean.

I think it’s really important when you are parenting, especially during the challenging teenage years, to not let them drain your cup completely.

This doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but your son may be detecting a chink in your armour, if you are feeling a bit low, and is trying to exploit it. Teens do test their parents as part of the familial power dynamic.

Make sure you get out and devote some time to your own well being and mh. Do stuff you enjoy and are good at. So what if the dc have to eat a ready meal one night a week? Go and do something for yourself that boosts your self esteem and contentment.

Apart from the good it will do you, it’s really important that you model self care and self respect to your dc. After all, if you don’t treat yourself with care and respect, how will your dc learn to treat you? They are more likely to respect you as an individual if they see you have a life and friends and hobbies outside of looking after them. You are allowed a corner of your life just for you.

I have three sons and am 5ft 4.5 and a size 20, not one of them has ever said anything like that. As toddlers yes they might have remarked on a particularly heinous zit or commented on my lovely squashy belly, but if they've ever said anything in a mean way like that it's not been within my hearing.

Honestly I'd be having sharp words about how it's rude and unkind to make comments about how a person looks unless it's something they can fix in a second - i.e. mum, you have lettuce in your teeth. I will not tolerate rudeness.

I'm sorry that it's made you feel worse. I really don't think that is the intention but it seems to be a learnt behaviour if it's all of your children who insult you and/or think they have the right to do so. I guess its an attempt to have you look at what is modelled in your home and ask you WHY they believe they can do this.

I have never allowed that kind of disrespect, right from very young. My kids have been far from perfect but speaking to me like that, insulting me like that, has never been an issue. I'd be crushed tbh so can imagine how much it must hurt.
I don't know your situation, circumstances and how you react or even WHY they believe that being disrespectful and just plain mean towards anyone, let alone you, is acceptable so I don't know what to suggest. I'd just hate for you to think it IS normal and it IS acceptable. It's not 😢

If he can talk to his own Mum like that, then he will probably think it’s ok to make fun of others in school like that. You need to tell
him that some things are better left unsaid if it hurts feelings. I would be horrified if my boy said this to me. (He’s 9)

Don’t let any of your kids put you down . Be strong you are the parent . Teach them that bullying is wrong you are worth so much

This!

That's one kid who wouldn't be having his friends come over if that is how he talks to his mum.

Two issues:

1. Your children need to learn to treat you with more respect. This sounds like an entrenched habit that needs a strategy.
2. If you are prone to skin problems, it doesn’t at all surprise me that you might also get dandruff. I am allergic to most shampoos. As a basic affordable start, I’d recommend Head and Shoulders, but I also sometimes need medicated shampoo.
3. I assume you have been exploring dietary changes as well as topical skin treatments and pharmaceuticals. Anti-inflammatory diets might be worth exploring.

I'd have hit them!

Your kids need to shut their potty mouths toot sweet.

Or impose consequences. You should not take this lying down.

Op try to respond with "this is what happens to a baby after 3 kids". I don't get Mandy comments off my kids but I e made a point of not being shy about the changes 3 kids had on my body. I grew up with a mother telling me be careful you are getting fat (I wasn't!) and I had all these body insecurities. Then I had kids and I look back on the body I had and think shit there was nothing wrong with it! Because of this I've made a point to have my dd value her body and hopefully not be ashamed if she doesn't bounce back after having babies if she has babies. I give the same message to my sons because my nasty ex made nasty comments immediately after I'd had a baby about how far I was etc and I don't want them growing up to say anything like this.

We have to counter the media/social media and peers that give them the message a woman's value is a large part of how she looks. So challenge them. Ask them is that's what is important in a mother or is feeding clothing and providing for them more valuable?

And re the spots have you considered giving up dairy? Or looking at diet. I have spots and if I give up dairy they clear up I just can't give up cheese so made my choice lol

Oh bless you!! Firstly you are deffo not overweight, secondly you do need to tell him those kind of comments are hurtful and unkind and how would he feel if you said those kind of things to him? When my now 10 yr old was about 7 he used to say I had 'jelly muscles' on my arms which basically meant they were fat and wobbly it was funny at first but after a while I felt offended by it and told him why, hes not said it since x

I am fat (his friend concurred - they didn't know I was listening), You aren't 'fat' , nowhere near, you could tell him you heard what he said and have taken it onboard and as result there will be no snacks, take-aways, cereals, sweets etc in the house going forward, lots of lovely salads and fresh green vegetables for everyone, all the time !

have loads of pimples (why don't you pop them Mum? Can you please before my friends come over?) This is a super easy fix, no friends over until your skin meets their exacting standards, explain that it might be never !

And now today I have dandruff which is gross. Explain to the whole family that from this day forward, you will only be buying supermarket brand anti-dandruff shampoo ( COL crisis ! ), no other hair care products will be allowed to pass the threshold and will be binned if found, you cannot take the risk of using a product that might contribute to any grossness !

And if you are feeling particularly fed up, well there are so many ways in which you can cause maximum non harmful inconvenience, charging leads can just disappear, contracts can be accidentally cancelled, favourite clothes can just vanish in the wash, only one of a pair of shoes can be found, you just needs a little imagination to make them appreciate their Support human AKA Mother.
You could go full on grown up on them and sit them down and have a proper conversation about it, but they will all be working with Mothers at some point in the future so I feel you need to remind them of the absolute power that all Mothers have to piss them off, before setting them free

If he's speaking to and about you like this then how is he speaking to and about the other children at school?

He needs to be told very clearly that his comments are rude, hurtful, unacceptable and could easily be seen as bullying.

You need to step up here, Mama, and teach them very quickly that this is NOT OK. Because it really isn’t. You deserve better than this, and it’s up to you to teach your children much better manners than this.
No one will put up with this outside of your house. And you definitely shouldn’t take this from them. Don’t be a martyr/ doormat. You’re not doing them or yourself any favors.

I have four children, girls and boys, ranging in age from 19 to 10 and not one of them would ever dream of body shaming me. In fact, my boys especially are the exact opposite, they tell me I’m beautiful just the way I am. Your kids need a big lesson in respect. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that OP. Don’t let them get you down. Discipline them. Do not stand for that.

And if OP does assess her looks, and realises her appearance is unattractive, what do you suggest she does then? Leaves the family home to avoid embarrassing them further? A radical course of weight loss and plastic surgery until she looks hot enough for her son’s friends to fancy her?

Some people’s mums are going to be fat, or old, or ugly. That does not mean their children get to be dicks to them about it.

Where is their dad?

Did he speak to you in such a rude way?

They’ve obviously learnt it from somewhere.

Can I gently ask, how do you speak about yourself in front of your children? I ask because, if you refer to yourself as fat or other negative phrases or insults they will be learning that that is an acceptable way to speak to/about you.

Not quite sure where you or they get that a size 10-12 is 'fat'.....