Criticism over physical appearance

[1035tg]

I have three kids and try to ignore most of the insults etc that get thrown my way (especially by teen daughters).

But recently I have been inundated by criticisms of my physical appearance by my 10 year old son. I am fat (his friend concurred - they didn't know I was listening), have loads of pimples (why don't you pop them Mum? Can you please before my friends come over?) And now today I have dandruff which is gross. I'm a size 10-12 (only 5'5 and therefore yes am overweight), working on my skin with a dermatologist which has been a lifelong battle and had no idea that I had dandruff. I'm just feeling like a pile of crap. Is this usual for boys this age or am I actually just a completely embarrassing mess? Feeling quite down and pathetic.

What the hell?! I have a DSD (12) and not once has she ever commented on the appearance of me, her dad or her mum?! And if she did she would get an absolute bollocking off any / all of us! Why are you allowing your children to speak to you this way?!

Oh god, no.

The child needs to be told, short and sharp, that you do not speak about your mother like that. From that, he should learn to apply the same confidence and firmness to anyone else to tries to say it about his mother.

That's not normal. It's horrible. I have a DS and the only comment he's ever made is that I'm 'average size'..
Please don't accept this. You're worth much more.

You might be a little overweight (I wouldn't know over the internet) but a size 10-12 at 5'5 wouldn't warrant embarrassment in my opinion. That's completely average and I'd be surprised to think someone to look overweight with those measurements unless they're wearing ill fitting clothes - are you?

Nothing justifies rude comments but I am saying this from the perspective of a child/teen (me) who was deeply embarrassed by my mum's appearance -please take his POV on board. That doesn't mean to say you don't address his rudeness but, at the same time, do an honest self assessment of how you look. I don't mean things like skin but I'm just thinking of the fat comment when I don't see how you could be so embarrassingly fat with your proportions.

I do want to stress though that the rudeness is completely unacceptable. Also, the friend was way out of line. Calling a friend's mum fat is ultimate rudeness.

This is the perfect natural consequence. I would ban him from having friends over for a while, but also ban him from visiting friends at their houses for a certain period too. As I doubt their mothers are any better looking, so wouldn't want a repeat for another mum.

You've every right to be livid. Awful behaviour. Just no need at all.

None of your kids should be insulting anyone or making comments on people's bodies. What consequences do they receive for their shit behaviour?

OP doesn't need to take his ill-manner point of view on board at all. Personal comments don't need to and shouldn't be made and he needs to learn this quick smart.

I would never have got away with this as a child and probably because of that, I don't do it as an adult either. Children (and adults) are not part of a judging panel, regardless of what they believe.

@BippityBopper
Nothing justifies rude comments but I am saying this from the perspective of a child/teen (me) who was deeply embarrassed by my mum's appearance -please take his POV on board. That doesn't mean to say you don't address his rudeness but, at the same time, do an honest self assessment of how you look. I don't mean things like skin but I'm just thinking of the fat comment when I don't see how you could be so embarrassingly fat with your proportions.

That was a you issue, not your mums fault.

If you're 5'5 and a size 10-12 you're not fat. Do you have body image issues that you are projecting onto your children?
I have 2 sons who are adult now but they would never have said anything rude about my appearance.
I wouldn't have accepted it if they had.
They have no right to insult you. You need to set them straight every time it happens.

I’d have the little shit’s guts for garters. All of them. How dare they? Good luck to them all next time they want something.
You are definitely not overweight and I bet you look fab.
Rude friends? They wouldn’t be coming to my house again.

Just checking - are they copying behaviour from someone else in the home?

The little shit. I'd read him the riot act for that one, and withdraw whatever privileges necessary. He needs to apologise properly, and promise never to be so rude to you again. He also needs to learn that you don't speak to anyone else like that either.

So it's just me then that gets these comments? That makes me feel worse tbh.

Why would you put up with such disrespect? I have two teenage sons, have never criticised their appearance and they would never dare criticise mine (and I could do with losing a few pounds!) Surely such cruelty should meet with immediate punishment?

No, that's really mean. Gently ribbing about clothes etc is OK or "oh, you have a little bit of dandruff at the back" just so you know but anything else is a no.

Maybe the teen girls have gone a bit OTT and your DS is following suit. I'd just say to ALL the DC every time they get too personal, something along the lines of... "we don't criticise family members looks in this house, thank you very much! How would you feel if I started doing your looks down? Not very good? No, well it's unnecessary and unkind and I won't stand for it".

If they do it again you can stop them in their tracks before they say anything and say "NO criticism of anyone's physical appearance in this house!"and walk away. Just don't accept it at all. And tell them that if you hear any of them making comments on their siblings looks or anyone else.

ETA you are not fat at that size and it's really cruel to make those comments about your skin etc.

This is a respect issue op

He also needs to be taught about being nice, would he say this to someone not his mum?

Is he often rude and hurtful to you

Well you've said in your OP that not only do your teenage daughters insult you, now your 10 year old son has started doing it. Clearly he's just following their lead. What is your husband / partner like? Does he criticise your appearance too? Why are you allowing everyone to talk to you in this way?

I remember when I was about 7 or 8 telling my mum her haircut was "ugly" (it was the 80s and she'd just had a perm!). I got absolutely bollocked by her and my grandma and told it was rude to speak to anyone like that, especially my own mum, and that if I ever said anything unpleasant again - to her or anyone else - then I would be in serious trouble.

That was the first and last time it ever happened.

What are the consequences of your kids comments OP? Are you just allowing them to be horrible about your appearance and upset you and not disciplining them???

I don't know what to say OP. I'm sorry, I truly am. I can hand on heart say that if my kids hear me say something negative about my appearance, they pull me up on it.

I'm 5 foot, half an inch. I am overweight, currently a size 14, due to medications I am on and current physical limitations.

You are NOT overweight. None of your children should be giving you a hard time about anything about your appearance, let alone your weight.

And certainly no one else's kids should be - either directly or indirectly!

Even if you were overweight, he shouldn't be commenting on it! It's rude, regardless. And goodness knows, those of us that are overweight are well aware and don't need anyone else to point it out!

Sanctions, natural consequences and clear boundaries are needed for both your son and the teenage daughters.

Yes what's the dad's take on this ..

Well yes, certainly not by default!

That’s awful that he speaks to you like that. Does he have consequences when he says such nasty things? Mine don’t speak to me like that, I would be bloody fuming if they did!

They need a bloody good talking to about manners, humility and kindness to other people.

Who has he learnt this from? It is absolutely not normal as a 10 year old to look at your mum and think those things. As others have said, you are not overweight and this is not a problem with you and how you look.

Sorry it's made you feel worse 😔 but I have 5 sons and I can't remember them ever being critical of my appearance. Has your son picked up this behaviour from his teenage sisters? I would honestly come down on all of them like a ton of bricks - it's horrible behaviour and needs addressing. Stop doing anything for them (lifts in the car, pocket money, phones/tablets removed) and tell them when they have shown you that they can treat you with respect, you will consider reinstating their privileges.