Do you "invite yourself" places?

[PlaySleepEatLeeks]

What do you think of the concept of "inviting yourself" places?

I have someone in my life who does this a lot and I find it quite confusing. It's just something that would never occur to me to do. Surely if my presence was desired the other parties involved would have extended an invitation?

I am an introvert and am very content in my own company, so I'm unsure if I'm particularly intolerant of this behaviour vs the normal population.

I hate plans being changed, so if I have a day out with my kids or a relaxing evening in planned, it really makes me feel irritable and panicky to have someone impose themselves on these.

Do you invite yourself places? How do you feel when people unilaterally decide they're spending time with you?

Obviously, there are extremes - i was less than impressed when DH"s aunt invited a "surprise" guest to our wedding - but overall, I think this thread just shows why we all have different friendship circles. Because we tend to mostly make (and retain) friends whose attitudes and behaviours work for us.

I can't cope with people who are passive - I want people to suggest things, invite themselves, invite me etc and, of course, to be responsive when I do the same and similarly who can say no if that's what they want. I totally understand however that that does NOT work for everyone, so those other people are people who I am less likely to be actively friends with. And that's fine. We're all different.

I haven't seen this bloke's recommendations and the way it's explained here is awful,m but I do know from when I lost a parent and from other similar bereavements from friends, we all agree that generic "please let us know if we can help" is not helpful at all. What's better is some sort of very simple yes/no - eg "I can bring over dinner for you and the family - which is better, today or tomorrow?" or "Let's go see a movie on wednesday - that new romcom is on? Shall I book tickets".

Because decision making is too hard and planning. But simple yes/no is fine.

Yes, the kind of person who says ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘I’m happy to do either’ and who never suggests anything, or says ‘I have a spare ticket to x’ or ‘Want to come and stay and do this weekend course on y?’ isn’t for me. But as I would certainly not be for them, this is fine…

My DSis married into a family where everything is done as a group, there is no expectation of a "formal" invitation, family members just turn up and join in. I would hate that. I sometimes wonder if they think I'm stuck up and standoffish - I won't just turn up at the bbq or to watch the football, I just feel like an intruder unless I'm specifically asked to go.

I am painfully shy & like my own company. I don't feel lonely doing things on my own but rather enjoy it. Different to DSis who loves company and an open house.

I was messaging a lady I know...
She said what are you doing on Thursday.
I said I have plans.
She asked what I was up to
I said I was meeting five people (this lady doesn't know them)for lunch.
She says oh I like it there I will come with you.
I said sorry but you know the set up and you can only get six people at a table
She replied thats fine me and you can sit at another table.
My next message was but then I wouldn't be with them so sorry that isn't going to work
Luckily she left it at that.

which they’re doing a very good job of hiding and pretending they like my company

So was I, right up until I wasn't, walked off a holiday and spent ten hours travelling alone to get home, and have been no contact with my mother and sister since.

Social pressure is a powerful force.

There's a difference between asking a specific question that demands a yes-or-no answer and not taking no for an answer in the first place. Only the second will trigger my PTSD to the point that I start running away.

Yeah, that's why I specifically said I hadn't seen this bloke's advice but did wonder if its a mangled version of what I found IS helpful.

But totally agree, forcing someone to come out with you is awful.

I have experienced similar. Awful.

@cleanasawhistle that is just so bizarre. You had plans to meet 5 people but she expected to come and sit with 5 strangers and you not be with them, the people you actually had plans with?! Very odd.

No, it’s rude and presumptuous.

I know its crazy,I was cringing when I read her reply about sitting at another table.This lady wasn't even someone I ever met up with,we just had mutual friends.

While I don’t do it, much respect to those who do- everyone is always waiting for someone else to ask something/ say something. Why wait!(as I do😅)

I am definitely not waiting for someone to ask or say something. I am happy with my plans as they stand or capable of making alternative plans if I wish. I'm never just waiting around for someone else to suggest joining me.

So in this scenario if I wanted to come, I’d say “oh I’ve been meaning to go there, let me know what it’s like!” then if they want you to come they’ll say “oh you should come with me”. Easy. Social niceties isn’t it.

That lunch table example is really awkward. That one surely goes beyond any cultural or personal differences in communication style.

The item wasn't about bereavement but about loneliness more generally but I always think that when these things are discussed there is often an assumption that people who live alone and maybe don't go out much are lonely.
So far as bereavement goes, we are all different but when I lost my husband I did not want to see films or be asked to choose which night to have a dinner brought. I agree that multiple well spaced check ins can be helpful but I found the constant solicitude very draining and eventually it put my temper on a hair trigger. There was an episode of Will and Grace, the one with Rosario's funeral, where everyone is trying to support Karen and clustering around offering and suggesting this and that and she finally explodes "What do I need? I need Rosario not to be dead" I guess what I am saying is that we are all different and that needs to be taken into account.

The issue of loneliness is an interesting one.

I wfh, I don't socialise all that much. I am not lonely.
My sister works out of the home, goes out a lot (she hates being indoors) yet is still cripplingly lonely (we live at opposite ends of the country so I can't really help). We're both single and in our 50s.

I think for my sister, being out with friends is all well and good, but she still has to come home to an empty house and that's what she hates. True, she'd probably be more depressed if she never went anywhere. But going places isn't a magic fix. She's still lonely and depressed whenever she is at home and even when out, she's depressed at the thought of going home.

On the other hand, I love being at home. I like to go out and have fun sometimes, but always look forward to getting back.

Why would this suddenly change for either of us in 10 or 20 years time? Our whole personalities would need to change. So I don't really hold with this idea that every pensioner will feel lonely if they don't have a big circle nor that the "cure" for loneliness is a big circle.

This. Absolutely this.

I have a friend that does this and I find it absolutely infuriating, even if I do understand why she does it. Previous conversations would go:

Her: "What are you up to this weekend?"

Me: "Not much, DH and I are taking DDs to the trampoline park on Sunday. Are you up to anything nice?"

Her: "Oh DD would love that, what time on Sunday are you going? We'll tag along."

She has no concept that we may want family time so I've stopped telling her what we are doing unless I actually want her there. It's a shame because I know she's not got a happy home life and likes being out of the house so I get it, but still find it really rude.

OP, you are not wrong, it must be rude and annoying and I would see less of them and tell them nothing of my plans.

I agree that some people enjoy being alone more than others at home, and some people prefer to see friends one on one, than in a crowd.

As I have aged I value my close friends even more and enjoy seeing them for a good catch up alone, as our lives are busy so to properly catch up and chat one on one works best.

I would have zero tolerance for a friend appropriating my plans regularly....very rude IMO.