The worst types of annoying people.

[Mysterian]

The crumb leavers. You open up the pot of 'Fuck Me If It's Not Butter!!!!' and find it covered in crumbs. "They're only breadcrumbs" they say, but how old? And are they bread? Can you guarantee they're bread? I'm not eating 3 week old mystery lumps. Stop being disgusting and get some basic spread sharing etiquette. [also see jam butterers]

The upside down bottle right-way-uppers. The scientists at Heinz spend years of their life designing bottles of ketchup that stand on their lids to help you extract every last dollop. Society moves on. Some lids go on the bottom. Get over it.

Champagne spooners. You really think that champagne keeps it fizz if you put a spoon in the neck of the open bottle? A spoon blocks gas? That famously chunky state of matter? Sure, because I'm constantly having to mash air with a fork to get it into small enough pieces to breathe. [eyeroll emoji]

A Spread duvet

Anyone who has no spatial awareness, whether pedestrians, shoppers, cyclists or drivers. The kind of people who suddenly stop, change direction, without any thought nor consideration for people their actions will affect!

Closely followed by dog walkers who use extendable dog leads and show no interest/care as to what their dog is doing (actually linked to the lack of spatial awareness above). I've lost count of the number of times I've been nearly tripped up by some moron's dog wrapping it's lead around my legs or the same moron suddenly deciding to pull the lead tight at exactly the moment I'm trying to step over it when it's completely across the footpath meaning it nearly trips me up! There should be a special place in hell for dog owners with extendable leads!

Not to mention groups of walkers (particularly rambling groups) who just have to walk 2/3/4 abreast and don't even consider going into narrower formation when walking towards you, clearly expecting you to teleport yourself somewhere else or leap into the hedges so they can pass without troubling themselves in any way. I've started to stop and stand still, standing my ground and making them go into narrower formation to pass - and often get a load of abuse, not to mention some of them are so arrogant (or oblivious) they actually walk straight into me (closely followed by a load of abuse).

As you can tell, I do a lot of walking!!

People who read their phones while walking up or down stairs at train stations. Annoying and dangerous.

People who change batteries in appliances and place the dud batteries back in with the new ones.
Anyone who uses the word “thing” rather than naming the subject so guessing is required.

Grumpy salesmen (or women, come to that, but the most recent was a man). Mate, I don't like it. I've worked in retail, so I know how it feels to be on the other side of the counter, but getting huffy is a sure-fire way to guarantee that you NEVER get my business. Not now, not online, not next time I'm passing.

People who think they know it all and who criticise how you choose to live your life when it is, legit, none of their business. If my life choices were going to have an impact on my use of the NHS, or cause distress to my neighbours then fine, discuss with me the error of my ways. But otherwise... can it. It is especially annoying when the person in question has no idea about the topic about which they are preaching with such confidence, or doesn't bother to find out WHY you did what you did.

People who are incapable of reading road signs and do dangerous and stupid things as a consequence, and then get shitty when you, in your car, dares to be in their way - when you were obeying the road rules and they weren't.

People who think reading isn't real. You'll be sitting comfortably with all jobs and obligations sorted, having a fine time with a fine tome, then in comes some shuffling dickhead who doesn't read. Which is a shame because they could do with recognising the sight of a book in use 🙄

You can avoid eye contact. You can sip a drink and ostentatiously turn another page using the book as a face shield. You can even change rooms. Nothing deters them, they are slow moving and persistent as a case of thrush. Or a zombie, except with even less self awareness. Or a zombie with thrush.

There you are, reading, and someone will just have to come and whitter on at you about whether those insects on that tree turned out to be such and such beetles, oh dear it might be an infestation, hmm what's the right thing to do, you know who would know? Dave, you know Dave who we lived next door to twelve years ago? Dave, you know, checked shirt David Dave, think it was Fiona who left him because as it turns out she was allergic to repetitive patterns featuring squares, yeah, him. Yeah, he'd know how to get rid of the beetles. He used to put candles in jars of coffee grounds around the tree and the beetles would just leave. Hmm, do you think it's going to rain, oh are you tired? No? Just thought you looked ti-

SHUTTHEFUCKUPIMRREADING

Really didn’t follow the spread one.

These people always book the seat beside me on a plane.

Years back when I was in my early twenties, I was relaxing in a public park in London with some Dostoyevsky and a homemade dinner. It was a lovely summer evening and I was soooo content. Until Twatty mcTwat face walked past to tell me to "cheer up". I ignored him so he walked past another TWO TIMES telling me to "cheer up" until I told him to fuck of. I WAS really happy until I was rudely interrupted. Does anyone sit and read with an inane grin on their face? Do genuinely unhappy people rally when ordered to cheer up? Fool.

I'm still genuinely angry about it almost 20 years later.

@biscuitandcake Rightfully so, I would be too!! It's jarring even reading your description of being disturbed. Books are enough!

"Loved ones" who take several weeks to text back,

then text an essay back with the various dramas of their life which are only really ever very mundane things that happen to everyone (i.e it takes at least 2000 words to say, "we've all had a cold" or "we've had the builders in)

then when you see them in person after your grandma just died (or you nearly died) they go,

"I haven't text you back have I? I thought I'd text you back but I haven't text you back because I did in my head and life's been a TOTAL NIGHTMARE but I did see the text about Nana being decapitated and couldn't believe it and was gonna ring straightaway but the baby sharted really loudly and I thought it was Noro then he started choking on my phone as I was texting you back to ask about the funeral and anyway, I'm here for you NOW and I'm SO GLAD TO SEE YOU -how are you-bit down? Aww.

0.25 second pause

OH MY GOD THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE FOR US, the baby is TEETHING and I've had OVERTIME and we've literally been living off MCDONALDS and life is just SO HARD because he's crying all the time and it's the worst thing I've ever seen, I've never seen a child so ill through teething in all my life and obviously he's allergic to teething gel and teething rings and Calpol so there is probably literally NOTHING we can do it is the most distressing thing in the world and hang on a minute let me show you these photos of the twins cos they are adorable, they can write their own names now and Arabella can actually write supercalifragilisticexpealidocious which given that she's only 29 months is VERY ADVANCED APPARENTLY but she's actually been SO SICK REALLY SICK WITH THE WORST VOMITING BUG EVER but this one, oh this is of a really nice day, we all went to that gastropub that you told us about wanting to go to, we knew you had a lot on with the "bereavement" thingy so we thought it best not to invite you but I promise I'll take you VERY SOON...awww. sad. I'm SO sorry.

1.5 second pause and sympathetic head tilt
Did I tell you our next-door but five's neighbour might die too? Yeah we're all ABSOLUTELY HEARTBROKEN, we've never actually spoken and I'm not 100% of her name but the kids sometimes wave to her outside the window and she waves back, I honestly think we'll never get over it if she does cos, she is such a LOVELY woman...heartbreaking..AWFUL...DEVASTATING yeah so we went to the beach afterwards the twins were doing a scientific experiment thing from cbeebies so we had to collect things because they've said they either want to be microbiologists or aeronautical engineers when they grow up and we are trying to support them as much as we can except Ariadne got her r backwards when she spelled her name so we're actually a bit worried that she is dyslexic because DH's great great step grandfather was and so there's a chance she could be too as it's hereditary and it's all VERY worrying because AS A MOTHER you just want them to be happy, ooh shirtless photo of DH oops, he's alright though isn't he still handsome I think and he got a really good bonus at work this week but oh my god he's been SO SICK WITH HIS STOMACH.....yeah....just terrible.....I had to strip the bedding SEVENTEEN TIMES. SEVENTEEN. Shit everywhere. EVERYWHERE. On the WALLS. On the BABY because you know we all co-sleep even MIL and FIL were in there covered in shit that I of course had to spend three entire nights scrubbing off everyone even though I'd worked 87 hours that week because I had to deliver all the staff training... oh so this photo...do you like it? You'll LOVE IT cos that's the new McQueen dress I got, cost me £800 but you've gotta treat yourself sometimes eh and I saw it on Kate Middleton and I thought why shouldn't I have a bit of what she has? I've been so down recently and I've not known what was wrong with me. But obviously I got it in a different colour because I wanted something a bit more striking. I just love it. That's another picture of it. Oh yeah me trying it on - it's a size FOUR not sure how that happened I haven't been trying to lose weigh or anything..I literally just don't have time to eat I don't know how I'm still so FAT and a SIZE FOUR. But seriously we've all been absolutely FULL OF A COLD and then the nanny called in sick or needed to take annual leave so there was only four of us to manage 3 kids because I had the in-laws staying and that was more drama because they are useless, awful, RUDE...do you know what I'll text you when I get home and let you know all about it cos so much has happened you wouldn't believe it and I NEED TO CATCH YOU UP. Do you know what, I always feel SO much better after talking to you and I don't talk to you enough and I feel terrible but then this is just what it's like having kids and a husband and a FULL TIME JOB that's only PARTLY FLEXIBLE and a seven bedroomed house when you only get cleaners in twice a week so that's why I never have one second at all to myself but I MISS YOU SO MUCH and if I had a second I'd give it to you and I'd really be there for you, I honestly honestly would, you would literally get my LAST second on this earth. You're the BEST. Mwah!

Tight hug and air kiss x 3 followed by the "squeeze and release" and hacking cough

Right ohmygod as much as I would love to carry on chatting around like I have all the time in the world like you people who don't have kids and SO much free time on your hands sorry I'm not being a bitch I know you've struggled with the IVF thingy not being well.. you know... but I LITERALLY have to go because DH and all the kids have Covid again and I've been in absolute bits because they've run out of organic hemp milk at Waitrose and that means we're all going to get hand, foot and mouth again if I don't get to Whole Foods in the next literally 12 seconds before they sell out because you know I think I nearly died from it last time, I told you all about it, didn't I? I think I've actually got PTSD like you did after you got caught up in the Manchester Bombing and needed EMDR because I have all the same symptoms you did like not sleeping and I don't think it's because I have 3 under 4 and none of them ever sleep longer than 8 minutes at a time, I think it's because I had the worst ever hand foot and mouth and nearly died and it's given me flashbacks worse than all the childbirths me and the children nearly died during when I got a 2nd degree tear and thought I'd lost the ability to do pilates... do you remember...I think I have it..CPTSD..I do...so anyway I PROMISE I will Whatsapp you and let you know what's been going on with me and the kids and I'll send you those pics as well because they will cheer you up no end, I love you SO MUCH. JUST BE POSITIVE!!! You're the BEST. LOVE YOU BYEEEEEEEEE. Oh my God if I've got a fucking parking ticket I will literally jump off the bridge like your ex did." tinkly laugh

And this endless loop just goes on forever...usually when you yourself are really struggling and could do with even a five minute chat.

But you love the arseholes so you're kind of stuck with them hoping one day They'll go, "oh shit. I've been a TWAT. I should try meaning it when I ask how are you and reciprocal questions, tact and pausing to listen and stuff."

@QueensOfTheVolksAge, I would have paid to read your comments 😂

People that come on a thread like this to let it all out but it's so incomprehensible that they're the only ones that actually understand what it says

😂😂

People who allow their children to watch loud cartoons in public places . . Either talk to them, give them something proper to do or get them headphones. It’s so so so annoying.

Mate, there's some award-winning prose on this thread!

And I've learned that some people call it a "spread duvet", so there's that too.

I love my sister to bits but she drives me insane with her mundane drivel 🤣 She dropped me home from bingo a few weeks ago and she bored the tits off me for 20 minutes waffling on about her neighbours dog to the point I laughed, she said what? And I said I'm really sorry but I'm really bored of this conversation and a

I'm gonna go inside now, I know that's really rude but she's my sister she has to love me regardless 😂

The spoon works. I doesn’t block gas, that would be silly. I thought it was something to do with ions and the charge…….👀

People who open and close their car doors and boot 59 times when they come back from shopping! Waving over to you next door but one..

People who go for a snack right after a huge dinner and saying they were full.

Dog walkers who make a beeline for me because I have distinctive dogs to tell me their grannies aunties next door neighbours window cleaner had one. Fuck right off!!

This!! My dad does this and I think it’s an aggressive habit.

People who pretend something is impossible to understand just to sound clever. You aren't clever.
Often the same people say who at the mention of celebrities they've never apparently heard of.

Fuck off.

People (colleagues) who feel the need to tell everyone how tired they are. Even if you don’t say ‘how are you?’ I have a colleague who does this every day and each time some idiot asks her how she is, she says ‘I’m exhausted’, so i have to hear her say it over and over again grrr

Why not have some empathy for them instead?