Should we move back to the UK or is this just new baby reality?

[Wingingitmum11]

We have lived in another country since our mid 20s. Have a lovely home, good jobs and a really nice lifestyle. I always missed people but never really felt homesick. We are lucky family come to visit us.

Since having a baby and my mum visited for 3 weeks, I haven't been able to pick myself back up. I have been diagnosed pnd. I cry most days. I miss my parents so badly and my in-laws also. We recently visited the uk and know the lifestyle would be a huge adjustment for us but we were constantly surrounded by family and old friends (holiday mode - probably not an accurate representation of what real life would be like!).

But.... I am so lonely on mat leave. I do activities and walks everyday . Have met some lovely mum friends but I would love to spend the days with my own mum. I dread going back to work with no support system from family and how we are going to manage sickness, no real break etc (stupidly didn't quite realise before baby!). I am already exhausted.

I feel like pnd is clouding my thinking and I just don't know if we should look at uprooting our whole life back to the UK or is this just reality with a baby and I should be lucky how good we have it. My partner is great. He would consider moving if I really wanted but he is happy here and thinks it's best long term for us and our baby (deep down I know he's right but it doesn't make everyday any easier).

My parents do plan to move here but due to visa wait it is estimated another 4/5 away (minimum) and very expensive(they have paid a small first instalment so far) I feel like I can't wait this long. They would be gutted as do want to be here.

Not sure my real reason to post, maybe just for shared opinions....

Wait for decisions untill you feel better.
Congratulations on baby!

Yes that's what I thought, I probably shouldn't make decisions in the thick of pnd. I have been on meds a week and have councilling coming up...

Sounds very difficult. Can you go back and spend more time in uk on your maternity leave and test the waters a bit more outside of holiday mode?

Where are you? Had you already a support network in place prior to babys arrival? I find it's great to have people to call on and we do call on our parents but se also call on friends,who call on us.

Hope you feel better soon x

Can your parents temporarily move with you on a tourist visa while waiting for the other permanent visa?

Could you go back to UK for a holiday again? Could your mum come over for a bit whilst waiting on visa?

@cpat122 @LeonoraFlorence I did wonder this about going back again for a few weeks but my partner wouldn't be able to come and it would be hard for him to be away from the baby as he is so hands on. Also, I worry it's like putting a plaster on the issue but not really fixing and still won't represent what life would be like living/working etc

@Ohmydreams australia - yes we do have great friends who would help but it's not as easy to ask like to a parent .

@Olivie12 unfortunately not as they couldn't afford not to work for those years. When they come they will still be working as they are still in their 50s.

It's so hard when I just feel like something's missing but don't know if a move is actually the fix!

Read some of the threads on here about the cost of childcare and NHS appointment waiting times and then you might feel better about not moving back!

It's very tricky OP, because I think the honest answer is that it would be really helpful for you. I really appreciated having my mum around when my DC were tiny. But that's for the first couple of years. It sounds like you might regret it in the longer term. Difficult.

I sympathise op, I was in a similar mindset at one time.

It's not the same but I live in London and our nearest family (my PILs) live in a different part of the country, 5+ hours away. My mum lives a long haul flight away. I had crippling ppd especially after my first and then when I had my second it was just so much to juggle I briefly thought shall we leave London to where PILs live?! Abandon my life as I know it, just for a bit of childcare?!

But now my youngest is 6mo and my eldest is starting school and the fog is already lifting. The baby/toddler years are short - they feel terribly long at the time - but then remember your kids will be 5, then 10, then 15...

Moving house as a process practically takes about a year in my experience. It's not worth it just for the baby/toddler years.

I sometimes get this feeling, we are 600 miles from my family that would be involved if they could and I sometimes wish so much we were much closer, like within an hours drive. but ultimately we are best off where we are. you build your own support network as a parent - friends, childminder, babysitters. but I found it builds as the child gets older so in the beginning it is really hard. with sickness, you just find a way, taking leave, wfh, unpaid carers leave (assuming that's an option)

Unless you have a lot of money it would be unlikely you could replicate your great lifestyle in the UK at the moment.
Also, the current summer time temperature in my neck of the woods is around 14-16 degrees with constant rain and wind, not exactly perfect for taking young children out and about, if you are suffering from pnd I would seriously take this into consideration as I have fairly robust mental health and the weather is actually starting to get me down!
On another note, my family lived 20 minutes away from me and it sounds like your mum is already way more involved than any of my family were. I'm not trying to race you to the bottom but sometimes we don't see the support we do get when we are busy wishing for more, I managed to work full time with zero family support and if it is something you want/need to do you will make it happen! Generally speaking healthy children are not permanently sick and requiring time off nursery/school and most employers are forgiving of the odd day here and there when they do have time off.
Obviously it is your decision to make but personally I wouldn't be giving up a great lifestyle anywhere to come back to the UK at the moment.

I would move back.
My BIL and SIL moved to Aus.
Great at first.
Now their kids are end of school/ uni age, so travelling back to the UK is difficult
Their parents have mobility issues and can't fly that far or cope with the heat there
They haven't physically seen each other in 3 years. But it's not possible to uproot their much older kids.

British people have an infuriating way of doing our lovely country down. I feel like we might be at the beginnings of things getting better here now.

I wouldn’t.

and I wouldn’t take baby away from Dad, either.

It’s tough in those early months, especially if you’ve got PND. I’d go all out on building a network where you are. That will serve you better than leaning too much on your mum, in the long run. Friends who are in the same stage as you are worth their weight in gold. I’m still close to the ones I met, we still meet weekly, and mine is 2.5!

The UK isn’t in a good place and it’d be a massive move for you. Unless you’re very well off; you wouldn’t be able to recreate the same quality of life here. You wouldn’t have the same hubbub of family around you, because you’d be back here, it wouldn’t be as exciting (no offence!) and people tend to visit less as babies are less “cute newborn”. And it’s summer here; but currently due to piss it down all weekend where I am. You’d never guess it was summer.

I’d make no decisions on anything until you’re out of the fog of exhaustion, your PND is sorted; and it’s not so cold. SAD is really common.

And it sounds like your parents will be joining you eventually, which is amazing. Your little one will be a bit older and will love running around with them ❤️

It's our dream to move back to Australia in a few years. Sadly I don't have parents but if I was in your situation and knew my parents were coming in a few years I'd 1000% stick it out. You are in the thick of it now. Write a list of all the positives you love about living there and the positives of raising a child there over the uk. FaceTime as much as possible, plan your days get out to groups x

I emigrated to another country about a decade ago, am currently expecting my first DC. and it is hard doing so far away from home and family.

We went back to the UK a few years ago thinking we'd start out family there but couldn't afford to stay after we were both made redundant after furlough ended and had no entitlement to UC, any other welfare or redundancy as we hadn't been back long enough, but at least I could return to my old job if we went back. And unless the economy, public services and things like energy costs drastically change I feel like the best place for us is where we are.

It was also the mostly lonely I have been and that's before COVID hit. All my old friendship groups no longer existed, I saw old colleagues once, even extended family didn't make the effort or were available if I did after the initial novelty wore off. This seems to be common as a friend here from Australia went back with her young DC thinking she'd have so much help and company from family only to find it soon dwindled down to almost nothing.

So instead of moving back we're using our shared parental leave to go back temporarily after our DC is born. If that wasn't an option then we'd look at flying out DPs out for longer visits but they are all retired.

Just to add - I personally think the UK is a wonderful place, especially London. I've chosen to live here (didn't grow up in the UK) and never regretted it for even a day.

But my advice is not to move, not because I think Aus is better than the UK, but because imo it doesn't make sense to move house just for the sake of the early children years. I know it feels like it'll never end, but once your dc start nursery/school, things will feel so much easier

I am wondering if it would be as you’ve imagined if you moved back.
As your parents are still working they may not be able to assist with childcare or spend as much time with you as you imagine.
They will have an established life without seeing you much as will your old friends. I’m sure they would be thrilled to have you back and make time for you but perhaps not as much as you are hoping for and not enough to make the move away from Australia worth it.

Given your parents are planning to move over in 4/5 years anyway I’d stay put. By the time you’ve arranged an international move your baby will be older and things will feel easier. I agree with not making any decisions until you’re feeling better mentally, and I hope that’s soon. Having a baby with no support network is the hardest thing, but if you can get out there and build one it’ll be so worth it.

And just to add, I have lots of old friends locally but everyone’s so busy with their own lives and families I rarely see them! You see everyone during mat leave when the baby’s new and then life goes on. I wouldn’t uproot your lives for it – I’d focus on making connections where you are.

Thanks everyone . This has given me some good things to think about.

I am so lucky my parents intend to move (all being well with the visa which has been in 3 years now!)
so I just need to get of of this funk right now.

hoping the counselling I have booked in the next few weeks helps and also my medication kicks in !

Have you put a call into Gidgit foundation or PANDA. You may get earlier phone support while you wait for the face to face. If you are breastfeeding or mix feeding try your local ABA group for supportive mums. Particularly helpful as it's not mums of all the same age so they can often point you to other support.

In terms of moving I would get the PND managed before making any big plans. I'd also say if you are south eastern to wait til spring. Wet cold weather make Australia miserable with newborn.

And finally please please please ask your friends for help. Friends like helping. They want to help you because they like you. They may not know what you need but will help if asked. Something you might like to ask for are: meals (lunch and snacks), help with the washing, watching the baby while you have a shower, going for walk with you, going with you a baby group, going to the library with you (local libraries are often really good when you have a baby), asking them to send text to check in on you every day. I'm sure there are other things to but sometimes a list is helpful.

Definitely don't move back! I had no family support when I had my baby, so I joined an NCT group and any baby group I could find. I had something to do every day if I wanted it, and someone to do it with! The moms with babies the same age as mine are what got me through the early months. Within 6 months you'll be feeling completely different... and will be glad you stayed where you are.

I think you need to focus on building a support network there. Perhaps with others in a similar situation?
I live a long way from my parents (still in the UK though) and have a close friend with no local family either, and others whose families are just not as involved. We do favours for each other all the time.
If your parents join you in a few years when you still have kids in primary school the help can be really invaluable then due to holidays and after school care etc.
And as others have said, the days are long but the years are short. Its not like this forever xx

Honestly I'd consider moving back. It really is hard being away from family.

A good friend is just preparing to return to the uk after over 20 years in Aus