How did you decide to try for a baby? Should I try?

[KindleLindle]

TDLR: Need to decide whether I want to try for a baby or not. I like kids and picture myself as a mum all the time but I don't have a broody urge and I'm a bit of an introvert so I'm not sure if I'm the best person to do it. How did you decide either way?

I always said I'd try to have kids if and when I had the urge to do it, expecting some kind of broodiness to hit at some stage I guess. But I'm 30 and it still hasn't.

I'm very involved with my nieces (schooling, sleepovers, childcare) but I know this isn't comparable to having your own full time(!)

There are bits that sound really great, even the not so "fun" bits. I'm really interested in learning how to help someone navigate the world, how I could help shape a whole new life. I'd love to see what personality a kid developed and how I'd see myself and my partner in them or where I wouldn't! I quite like responsibility. I know the OFSTED results for nearby nurseries and schools and know where all the local parks and groups are.

But I know a kid turns your whole life upside down and there's so much that I couldn't prepare for.

I'm a bit of an introvert and I wouldn't say I have loads of energy. I like weekends that are calm. I've had the same friendship group since school and I have siblings that I'm close to but beyond those, I'm not massively a social person. I'd rather be at home or out for a walk somewhere pretty than do lots of social things. I've focused on career and done okay for myself but I've recently become disillusioned with the long hours and stress.

I've always stuck by the sentiment that I'd rather regret not having kids than ever regret a live child as I feel that might leak somehow. But I'm fast approaching a point where I need to decide whether to try and I'm still not sure if I'd be a good mum or if I'd end up frazzled.

Anyone felt similar? How did you decide you definitely did or didn't want kids?

Indeed it is, coupled with the 'will I regret it when the window of opportunity has gone'. Neither of them are bad reasons though as long as you understand what you're doing.

Tryouts have told us nothing about your circumstances. Your relationship. Your financial situation. Your lifestyle. Your job. How can anyone e answer ?

We were always 100% sure we wanted children but it was circumstances that stopped us. We rented small one bedroom flats which wouldn’t have been ideal to bring up a child in. We also wanted to be married first and needed to save for the wedding we wanted. We bought a house just before we got married and started trying for a baby on our wedding night. We’d been together for 6 years at that point and felt ready. I can’t tell you whether you should have a child or not, but I will say make sure you’re sure it’s what you want before you decide to go for it. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite sure yet.

I was never really certain either way, but now I'm writing this while I feed my 1 month old.

I'm 10 years older than you, and we'd reached a stage where our life free of responsibility was nice but not particularly fulfilling, plus we felt the great change to our lives would be less pronounced than when we were younger as we'd become home birds over time, lost interest in wild nights out and sleeping off hangovers some time ago. Love travelling but have both done loads of it.

We stopped using contraception 3 years ago and left it to nature to decide. About a year after we'd given up on the idea of it happening, I was pregnant. He's the best thing ever and we can't wait for the joys and challenges that will come with raising him.

I think we went in with clear expectations (from Mumsnet!) that it would be incredibly hard and actually the first month has surprised us in not being; although we know there is much more to come and are not counting our chickens!

I think the potential issue is that it doesn’t really involve thinking, or actively deciding, though. Which can mean you’ve drifted unthinkingly into a big, irrevocable life decision ‘because everyone else is’ without thinking about whether you actually want to.

If having children was something comparatively unusual, say if only a fifth of the population on average chose to have children, it would be interesting to see how many chose a ‘minority’ way of life when it wasn’t being experienced as the norm.

I never had an urge. I did like kids and thought I’d have them. At 34 nearly 35 it hit me that I was getting older and I needed to decide soon. I’m so glad we made the decision to have children. I’m 38 and have two young sons. I wish I hadn’t waited so long though as to my surprise I find myself wanting another. I never even considered that I’d have more than two before.

While it’s true that 30 is likely young enough to hold off for a few years, holding off can also have consequences and a few years doesn’t necessarily mean you’re any wiser to make the decision.

According MN threads, there are plenty of accidental/unwanted pregnancies around that have had no thought whatsoever so I don't think my method was that heinous an act.

You really don’t sound very keen on kids. I think you would do well to leave it a bit longer and reassess how you feel in a couple of years.

Ideally you and your partner would be on the same page, and both completely wanting to have kids. (Wanting is different to feeling fully ready).

Don't do it. Please. You'll never ever have peace, or calm, ever again. It's my biggest regret. Yes you're broody, but hormones lie. Ride it out.

I never had the urge or broodiness to have kids but my dh and I knew that in our life ahead we wanted a family, so we started trying at what seemed a sensible point age wise and after moving etc. I've since gone on to have more and have three. I'm an introvert too but I love how kids have brought me out of myself but they are now also part of the safe (not entirely quiet) space you have at home when it's just us as a family.

I totally get how you feel: I'm not a broody/maternal person, but I also started to find my hobbies less all-consuming, and to want a new experience. On the one hand, I had my eyes fully open about how hard childrearing is. At the same time, I thought: it's LIFE! And for most a once or twice in a lifetime experience. (As well as a lifelong experience, ha!)

Buuuuut (and I say this as a fully fledged over thinker myself OP!) I think you might be overthinking it a tiny bit!

There are loads of really good reasons to have a child, and loads of good reasons not to have one. I don't think you can ever fully rationalise these decisions, and whatever you decide there'll be good bits and bad bits. You'll be happy and sad in the future at some point no matter what you choose... If you're in a good relationship and could support one, that's the main thing, there is no right or wrong answer!

Thank you everyone - I wasn't expecting so many responses.

It's really useful to hear from people who are similar to me and went ahead or chose not to - what I wouldn't give for a crystal ball! I think the majority are right in saying that everyone has some regrets no matter which way they go on all big decisions in life. I need to make a choice and go ahead with preparing for that one way or another.

@WithACatLikeTread - thanks for dropping in to try and make me feel odd. I always look for experts when I'm making a decision and I don't have direct experience. It improves my knowledge and helps me consider things from new angles. It's been really helpful to hear from women who are or were in my situation and I'm really grateful that people have taken the time to try and help a stranger.

Just don't do it. Yes the adorable baby stage is kind of nice. But then there's...
Sleep deprivation.
Feeding.
The mind numbing boredom of routine.
The endless feed, burp, sleep palava.
Naps.... Oh god..either contact or in a cradle
You might have a baby with reflux which is hell
You might have a baby with additional needs
You'll definitely lose your old identity.
You'll be referred to as 'Mum' at any baby groups.
Baby groups..... Shudder
I did go to library rhythm and rhyme time tho, which was preferable to the forced and strange social aspect of massaging a baby in semi awkward silence with strangers
Your body changes
You won't be able to just leave the house
You'll find yourself in a strange new dynamic with a partner who will also be shell shocked
Make sure your partner isn't a prat.....
Make sure your partner will actually do night feeds whether he works or not
Be prepared for the family dynamic to change
Everyone will have an opinion
You're constantly on duty
If you have no family nearby that's added pressure
You'll be woken at whatever hour the baby says
You'll never have a weekend lie in unless partner does the parenting that morning
You'll never just be able to spontaneously so anything
Nappies - jesus.... The shit. The endless fucking shit and wiping and rashes
The constant crying
The constant stuff to sort, teething, jabs, worrying about every single tiny illness
Sorting childcare which drained me of almost 1k a month
Yeh. I really wouldn't recommend it to anybody.

Hi @Theedgeoftheabyss thanks for your honest perspective. I know it's a lot to share the negatives sometimes about anything, but especially parenting.

I'm certain my DP would be a good dad and he's very equal on stuff. I don't mind being on duty either but the loss of self is the really scary bit for me. The always feeling guilty. And that's all with a healthy child, my hat really comes off for people who deal with all that and have a child who needs extra help.

My child is five. I don't know who I am anymore. So yeah, makes sure you have a support network. You cannot undo this decision. I mean, just sitting in the morning in silence, enjoying a cuppa, uninterrupted time to watch crap, or poodle, or read a book.... Gone. I ended up putting my child in childcare for days when I wasn't work as I was so desperate for a break.

I hope things get easier for you @Theedgeoftheabyss

Thank you for sharing your experience

The loss of self stuff is temporary, though. It all comes back as your child becomes more independent and is no longer physically attached to you 24/7. And I’ve never felt ‘guilty all the time’. I don’t think I’ve felt guilty about anything to do with parenthood.

@Theedgeoftheabyss Are there any good times for you or do you 100% wish you hadn’t had kids? Have you always felt like this? Is it very different from what you expected?

There are nice moments. But moments are not days and hours where your life is your own. You can not just come home from work and chill. It's a whole routine and before you know it you're crashed out exhausted with maybe an hour before bedtime. It's not how I want my life to be. I'd like to get up and go out walking without the whining. I'd like to read in bed all day, I'd like to get peace and quiet but now I have birthday parties and a whole other circle of social hell. I have always felt this way. I love my child. I tell him I love him everyday but would I like to wake up for it to be a dream? Yes.

@Theedgeoftheabyss I think lots of people will sympathise with you. Do you have a supportive partner? For the OP’s purposes, I’m wondering if you had a hunch you’d feel like this before having DS, or did the relentlessness take you by surprise? And even though it’s so tough, do you think if you didn’t have DS you’d feel like you’d missed out on an experience?

I’m very fortunate in that I work from home a lot, and often have time to myself. I can imagine that for people with busy routines and lots of driving, for example, life can be so hectic.

My partner also has mortal dread of small talk and kids’ parties (though I wonder sometimes if anyone really likes those things!)

My husband is very supportive but I think we were both taken by surprised by the relentless nature of it all. Like I said, hormones are a powerful force and I don't think we expected to conceive as fast as we did so it did come as a shock. Child rearing isn't an "experience" to tick off. Life doesn't have a checklist. There's a meme on Instagram which basically says 'no aspect of my life would be improved by a child' with a selection of amazing travel experiences etc. It's a hell of a shock to the system and I'm self aware enough to know that being selfless enough to be a good parent is incredibly draining.

No overwhelming urge. Friends started having children so we thought we might like to.

For me, it's all about your partner. Do they just do things that need doing or do you need to manage them? Are you doing all the life admin? Do you alone know bin day, birthdays, insurance renewal dates? Because if it's all you, then it will only get loads worse with a kid in the mix. You'll be mentally juggling all the household stuff plus all the stuff for your kid too. 15 years later and I am exceptionally resentful (and heading towards divorce).

Only have a child with a partner who is truely doing their share of life with you. This means no prompting from you, no nagging, no notes, no reminders. They see the job and do it, properly and 100%.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5113610-i-really-hate-being-a-parent-right-now

Don't have a child unless you're really, really, really certain. The child deserves that.

Thanks for sharing @WhatsMyEmail I'm sorry things are rough atm and I hope it improves.

My DP is a good partner and a solid 50/50 on house stuff. But obviously a baby is a million times harder. We haven't had a conversation on parenthood for a good couple of years but this would definitely be high on my list if we were to have the conversation again/go ahead.