I really hate being a parent right now

[Unsure05]

I have a nearly 4 year old and 16mo, both girls. Individually they can be so lovely and my youngest is still at the adorable phase. My eldest however is making life so hard. She can be so bloody lovely but we’re getting behaviour that I just can’t handle. I try to gentle parent as much as possible but between money stress, work stress, a dying father in law, my DH working full time (I do very little part time around 2 mornings of nursery) so being alone a lot, no family nearby I am just hating this season of parenting. I’m snapping and shouting so easily and I hate it. I say stuff that makes sense to my brain at the time then feels harsh after. Like this evening eldest was messing around getting ready for bed even though she was clearly tired. So I just said I wasn’t going to fight her so started getting her sister ready for bed, so she took herself downstairs and purposefully pooed in her night time nappy (fully toilet trained otherwise) and came back up to tell me and to make me clean her. So I told her she would have to clean herself, etc which she melted down at, so I finished getting her sister ready for bed, gave her to DH who was cleaning up after tea downstairs, and dealt with my eldest who I helped to clean and encouraged her to do the rest. We calmed down then she told me she had weed in her nappy, which made me snap and I told her I needed some space to calm down and she wouldn’t give it to me. I ended up screaming into a cushion just to get the frustration out and she cried uncontrollably because apparently it was her favourite one. I’m so drained I feel like I don’t even want to parent anymore. She argues, nothings ever right, she can be aggressive, doesn’t listen or chooses not to should I say, we do our best to work with her but nothing is ever enough: I feel like the worst mum

She’s four - lower your expectations

You have the terrible twos,
Threenagers,
And the fuck you fours.

It is utterly exhausting. Bedtime is the worst, everyone is tired, we get short tempered and children get hyper. It's a recipe for disaster some days.

My youngest is 5 and the most loving, caring, compassionate, beautiful soul who ever destroyed my brain with stubbornness and utter ridiculous justification to his fuck you dumb ass actions.

She wants yr attention, perfectly normal when u have a new baby, they feel pushed out. Spend quality one on one time with her.

Your oldest child seems very grown up when they have a baby/ toddler sibling but she's still tiny and it looks like this is her way of communicating that she needs your attention.

@Ivycott90 if your not here to help raise mums up when they’re beaten down then kindly leave, no mum at the end of her tether needs you

@UpgradedTitanCameraMan the wording on this is wonderful. I whole heartedly agree. She’s asleep now and it doesn’t feel so bad anymore but my god what the f*ck was that…

@Skybluepinky youre right. I forget this because baby isn’t so much of a baby anymore. It’s hard to though because other than DH and nursery when I work I don’t have anyone else who watches baby. So we don’t have many 1-1 options

@NerrSnerr this is so true. I struggle to think that way when I don’t have much left to give at the end of the day. I need to remind myself of this more thank you

What ivycott90 wrote was succinct, but accurate. Your reaction shows you really are at the end of your tether.

you are with the kids pretty much all day. I would suggest it’s time to rethink routines . If there are 2 adults home, divide and conquer at bedtime . There is no reason for one person, especially the person who is burnt out on parenting, to be trying to juggle bedtime for two young children. Alternate nights and pop in for a quick hug and a kiss on your off night. You can wash up tea together when you are done.

Or, just have dad do bedtime. Make it their thing.

if you are trying to work around limited nursery sessions, you are probably juggling more than is actually manageable. Sit down with your partner and the budget and figure out if you can manage an extra nursery session or to outsource something. Find something that will buy you a few hours a week of breathing space.

@Ivycott90 didn’t say anything offensive, she’s right. Your daughter is still tiny, and you do need to lower your expectations.

@Unsure05 It's awful. Mine absolutely push me to my limits and I often wonder how previous generations of mothers dealt with this. My mum was one of 7 and I can't imagine my nan putting up with half of the shit I do.

I don't know the answer. My kids are also the loveliest souls in the world when they are being good....and total demons when they are not.

You probably need a day off. Next Saturday plan a day or 3/4 day to yourself. Out of the house.
It will do you the world of good.

dump the "gentle parenting"? it doesn't do anybody any good, her or you

You do need to lower your expectations. She's not even 4 yet. And you need to shake up how you do bedtime.

I’m snapping and shouting so easily and I hate it.

You need to drop the "gentle parenting". It isn't working and I bet you're wasting a tonne of precious energy talking too much to her about things. Keep it short and sweet.

she took herself downstairs and purposefully pooed in her night time nappy (fully toilet trained otherwise) and came back up to tell me and to make me clean her

She's 3 years old. You're attributing intention and malice to her. She's not "making you clean her", you're her mother and she's a little child who pood in her nappy. Just clean her up or if you're at your wits end say "whoops a daisy, poos are for the toilet. Let's go get daddy to help you because I'm getting your sister ready for bed" and take her to dad to sort out.

It's time to sit down with your husband and discuss pressure points in your day. For some reason at the moment I'm finding teeth brushing really stressful so I'm not doing that for a while and husband is taking over. You need to communicate with each other, come up with a new plan, and tap out when you feel your blood boiling.

You sound absolutely fried. I get it, I'm in a similar situation to you. What helps us is we each put one child to bed and alternate which one each night. I have a shower in the evening when my partner gets back - I need that 15 mins of not being touched or pulled at to be able to tackle bedtime. Evenings are hardest for us so I try to do something active with them both until about 5.45pm and then bedtime routine starts at 6.10pm for the youngest. Cuts down a lot on the tired feralness that we get at home otherwise.

I knew this thread would refer somewhere to a 4 year old! Total solidarity. I have 2 DDs. A 4 year old and a 7 month old.

My 4 year old has asked me so many questions today I think my head might fall off and I'm currently sitting on my sofa wondering whether to open the wine or the chocolate first. She has been totally relentless today despite numerous one to one activities when baby was napping x

You recognise this isn’t a problem with your 4 yo. Shes normal. You are just completely out of spoons. Parenting small kids is just so relentless and thankless. We aren’t meant to do this on our own.

Are both only in childcare 2 mornings a week? I’d definitely up that if so. Assuming you are in the UK, eldest could go to a pre school 9-3 for the majority of the week and youngest could do 2 full days in nursery. I have 2 v similar age DC and I would explode if I had them home all of the time. If youngest did 2 longer days it would give you a chance to have some quality 1:1 time with your elder DD between say 3 and 5pm.

Also, whenever the chance arises, DH should be doing childcare. You should have been clearing up from tea and he should have been getting them ready for bed. It’s not a luxurious break but it’s definitely a head break.

And also, just solidarity. DS1 was a dream until age 3.5. He’s just over 4 now and I can safely say the last 8 months have been some of the worst of my life. Defiant, highly emotional, explosive, impulsive, downright mean at times. It feels impossible to parent. Give me 100 newborns over this.

God thank you so much for these replies with some really good advice. I think I am burnt out, and I know my expectations can rise I just already beat myself up enough when I’ve snapped so hearing it from others can be hard.

Im going to plan in some 1-1 time with my eldest a little more and try take some time for myself. Eldest DH does 3 full days at nursery and youngest does 2 mornings (upping to full days in September and eldest will be starting school). But I work those 2 mornings and one morning on a weekend and inbetween that I only have an hour on a Friday morning that I can have to myself and even then my DH is at home so it rarely is. Definitely need to change something it’s not fair on them for me to be so highly strung, I’m usually pretty chill but the last few weeks have ground me down

Is there no way DD2 can up to two full days now?

If she could, I’d up her to 2 full days ASAP. I’d also up DD1 to 3.5 days but have the half day on one of the days DD2 does a full day to give you some 1:1 time. If my calculations are correct you would then have 2 mornings for work, an afternoon a week to yourself and an afternoon a week with DD1 until September, when that would then become another afternoon to yourself. So something like:

Monday am Work, Monday PM hang out with DD1, DD2 full day in Nursery.
Tuesday am Work, Tuesday PM your free time, both DD full day in nursery.
Wednesday home with DD2, DD1 in nursery.
Thursday home with DD2, DD1 in nursery.
Friday: Home with both DDs.

That suddenly looks way more manageable.

Solidarity. The worst part of parenting imo is that after those moments when you're at the end of your tether and snap (or drop the gentle parenting because you're totally exhausted) what you get is a side order of guilt and people helpfully suggesting your expectations are the issue! You can be doing a truly fantastic job for the majority of the day but it's that last hour of the day that you spend your night reliving or even worse being judged on. Bleugh. Kids push and push and push, and if you're a first generation gentle parent it can set off all kinds of triggers! If it helps I like to think of these as teaching moments. You are human. You are fallible. You make mistakes, get tetchy, say things you wish you hadn't in hindsight. Your children are also human, in their lives they will also do all those things. You can lead by example and teach them how to apologise gracefully, communicate your feelings, make amends after mistakes etc.

My DS would never give me space when I asked for it either, it's awful to be close to losing it and asking for a moment to regroup and have that most basic request denied. A phrase which really helped me was 'if I have to ask again I'm going to shout'. That meant I had given a final warning, and if I ended up shouting then DS was prepared for it, but mostly he heard the words and relented. Which is good because I genuinely hate when our household gets shouty and try to avoid it. I haven't had to use that phrase in a good 8 months! It's calmed down a lot.

Regular 121 time really helped my oldest after DD was born. They're 3 and 5 now and he still really benefits from muments (like moments, but with mum!). Also found How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen to be a very insightful book for that age.

My OH thought I was hating parenting because he kept getting home from work at witching hour when my patience levels were low and it sounded like I was having an awful time of it. He presumed that's what it was always like, when in reality we know it isn't bad all the time. But when it's bad...aye me!!!!

This gig can be relentless. You're doing a fab job momma. Be kind to yourself xx

If she's toilet trained take the bloody nappy away at night. If she's pissing and shitting deliberately don't put it on. It's very unlikely she'll crap her pajamas

Yeah seriously!!! DS sailed through the 'terrible twos' but noone blooming well warned me about 3.5+!!!! He calmed down by 4.5 and is a dream now.

DD turned 3 in May, am bracing myself 😂

Excuse me?

Take the nappy off her at 4 so she can't poo herself in defiance. What didn't you understand.

4 should be coming up for night time.dryness anyway

So regarding the childcare we really can’t afford anymore, we’re getting by month to month as it is. But if I can get some me time to reset myself then I think I can claw back some patience at least.

@Beansandneedles thank you so much for your wonderful comment. Yes I did apologise once we had managed to get into bed and told her how much I love her and that nothing could change that etc and we had a cuddle and I tickled her back to sleep. We also say something similar that we’re asking nicely and we don’t want to have to shout to be listened to. It does normally work but not all the time! I’m going to google that book recommendation now! Oh bless him haha my DH works either an early shift or a late shift so sees what each side of the day can look like! But I hear you! 2 was bloody lovely! 3.5-4 is intense!

@HowIrresponsible she still has some wet nights so we’re not quite there yet. I might have felt the frustration around her going off to do this at bedtime but I won’t let her sleep in urine if I’m aware it’s likely to happen

she took herself downstairs and purposefully pooed in her night time nappy (fully toilet trained otherwise) and came back up to tell me and to make me clean her. So I told her she would have to clean herself, etc which she melted down at

From the OP in case you missed it
.