How did you decide to try for a baby? Should I try?

[KindleLindle]

TDLR: Need to decide whether I want to try for a baby or not. I like kids and picture myself as a mum all the time but I don't have a broody urge and I'm a bit of an introvert so I'm not sure if I'm the best person to do it. How did you decide either way?

I always said I'd try to have kids if and when I had the urge to do it, expecting some kind of broodiness to hit at some stage I guess. But I'm 30 and it still hasn't.

I'm very involved with my nieces (schooling, sleepovers, childcare) but I know this isn't comparable to having your own full time(!)

There are bits that sound really great, even the not so "fun" bits. I'm really interested in learning how to help someone navigate the world, how I could help shape a whole new life. I'd love to see what personality a kid developed and how I'd see myself and my partner in them or where I wouldn't! I quite like responsibility. I know the OFSTED results for nearby nurseries and schools and know where all the local parks and groups are.

But I know a kid turns your whole life upside down and there's so much that I couldn't prepare for.

I'm a bit of an introvert and I wouldn't say I have loads of energy. I like weekends that are calm. I've had the same friendship group since school and I have siblings that I'm close to but beyond those, I'm not massively a social person. I'd rather be at home or out for a walk somewhere pretty than do lots of social things. I've focused on career and done okay for myself but I've recently become disillusioned with the long hours and stress.

I've always stuck by the sentiment that I'd rather regret not having kids than ever regret a live child as I feel that might leak somehow. But I'm fast approaching a point where I need to decide whether to try and I'm still not sure if I'd be a good mum or if I'd end up frazzled.

Anyone felt similar? How did you decide you definitely did or didn't want kids?

Kids are crazy hard but the way I feel about it, you're getting someone you crazy love and who crazy loves you back in your life. So in the long-term it's like having another (loved) sibling, or a partner, or a relationship on that level.

Obviously no relationship is perfect but if you like having siblings or a partner, and have space in your life for a child, and it's not like you know you definitely don't want to, having a child has a lot going for it.

Thanks @pjani - really interesting perspective.

Did you always know you would have kids?

I’m an introvert but I sort of get to experience being an extrovert through my livewire, crazy, adventurous toddler if that makes sense? I never felt ‘broody’ either, I just wanted a child more than I didn’t when the time was right. And I feel like I get to experience life through a fresh set of eyes now. I love it. Things are interesting and exiting to me because he’s finding them so, and it’s pretty amazing.

I didn't really start wanting kids until I thought I was pregnant once, turned out not to be but it was like a switch had flicked.

30 is still young yet, you've a few years before you need to make any big decisions.

@FanofLeaves I'm happy it worked out for you, thank you for sharing

The bit about seeing the world through new eyes really chimes with me. It's been amazing (and challenging at times!) to embrace this with my nieces with everything from animals to relationships as they got older.

It really appeals to me.

I just wouldn't want to go ahead on that basis and then end up not being great at the sharing my life bit and ending up not being a parent they want or deserve.

It's great that you're enjoying it so much :)

After reading your post I feel quite confused about why you would potentially want a child...you don't sound particularly keen at all

You’re making this sound like a solo decision, but you mention a partner —you’re in a relationship, so isn’t this a joint decision, quite apart from any other considerations?

Thanks @MeinKraft I didn't want to derail too much but I did have a miscarriage last year. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying and it was pretty bad with a hospitalisation and surgery involved. I'm not sure if this urgency to make a decision that I'm feeling is related to that rather than to me wanting to, if that makes sense?

@Comedycook I guess that's why I'm asking for experiences from others who didn't have the broody urge that others do.

@Rondel it very much would be a joint decision. But before we get into that conversation, I'd like to work out roughly where I stand. It's a stable, supportive relationship and I'm sure we could have an open and frank conversation on it but I'm trying to get my own feelings straight first.

@KindleLindle

Go for it. You sound like you've done your research regarding schools ect so deep down you know you want this and I'm guessing you were upset over the miscarriage.

I was 34 when I suddenly had that ticking clock urge and I found out I had a low ovarian reserve this made my heart completely crumble the thought of not getting a little baby 😢. This is when I knew I had to make it happen i did a full mot on my diet tried so hard at it for 6 months & had ivf got my daughter who is now 5 - best decision I ever made. Don't miss out on it I can assure you that you will one day regret if you don't just go for it

@Itonlytakesone oh wow, I'm happy it all worked out for you. 5 is such a great age.

The miscarriage was devastating. I felt like I couldn't be too upset because I didn't know before and there was a lot of physical stuff to focus on but I cried everyday for months. Only my DP knows about the miscarriage.

If we do decide to go ahead, it wouldn't be immediately as I'd like to get in the best shape, save some money and then there's no guarantee it would happen quickly. I'm a little more nervous after the miscarriage but I did get a full fertility check up afterwards and things were looking okay then but nothing is certain and I wouldn't want to take anything for granted.

My other concern is that my perspectives on life seem to be shifting.

I don't want to chase the high flying career anymore after doing 5 years in the City. I'm beginning to find my hobbies a little pointless. I like travel but I don't love it.

I don't want to rush into trying for a baby to try and solve an unhappiness, that's a huge amount to put on a kid. But on the other hand, what if this shift is because I do want kids?

This is difficult.

I wasn’t broody and did not have any experience with children like you OP with nieces or nephews. I was a career woman and was strongly childfree. Then in my late 30s I realised I wanted an heir. DH and I have a beautiful house and I’ll be inheriting from family.

I love being a mum. I knew nothing about it though and we had no family or friends to help.

One thing that changed is you having no time to yourself and multiple wake ups in the first few months. I really mean no time and in the moment it can feel overwhelming. I guess people who have help or hire someone may have a different experience.

Now almost two years on I feel like I’ve got this and can’t imagine life any other way. If I had waited for a broody feeling to come before having DC I wouldn’t have a baby. I was never a clucky type of woman always thought kids were cute but didn’t have anything to do with them. But DC is really something!

I've always loved babies, thought they were cute, wanted to cuddle them etc but I never got that "I'm so broody I must have a baby now or my ovaries will explode" kind of feeling people say. Perhaps that was because I was secretly terrified of child birth. But I did get to early 30's and knew the clock was ticking, I thought it's now or never. I had the husband, house, car, savings and the next step was a baby.

I'm an extroverted introvert and gain most of my energy from quiet downtime. To be honest, I feel like I do get that now my DD is 2. She goes to nursery two days a week and I work those days, one in office and one at home and the day I have at home is absolute bliss. I also have a partner who does his share meaning I can go for a walk on my own or go for a nap on a Saturday afternoon. It's way more chilled than I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, the first year and particularly the first couple of months can be intense. I felt I couldn't leave her for even a second which was a bit wild. I breastfed which added to that, so I didn't get much time to myself. However all the stages move so quick and you really do adjust. I've adjusted to things I never imagined I would.

I got a strong maternal instinct out of the blue during covid. Prior to this wasn't sure if I'd have kids. Now we are trying for #2. We struggled to conceive which further confirmed how much we wanted it and I could not imagine life or future now without her / other children. We love it!

@KindleLindle
I'm loving the comments I feel the same as everyone else. I never had that maternal instinct I was just too busy enjoying working etc then met my husband 5 years before we had our daughter so we had that time together before getting pregnant.

I think you need a shift like you explained, it totally changes your perspective on everything having a child it's the most precious thing in your entire world and I loved going part time at my job, I enjoy looking after her she is literally everything to us both I love that iv made a little girl to be a 'daddy's girl' too makes you fall in love with your husband again seeing them as a father.

Thanks everyone it's great to hear that not having the overwhelmingly urge doesn't mean it won't work out. You all sound very happy with your decisions - congrats!

Outwardly, Ive always said no to kids unless I get that urge. My Mum has been working for years to get me to "change my mind" and now that I actually might be, I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about it until I make up my mind.

For those formerly strongly childfree, how did you have the conversation about that shifting with your DP?

He was the one who brought it up with me.

i was told at 28 i was going into menopause by my GP and that i should consider babies sooner rather than later.

had a discussion with my then partner who was like me and wsn't bothered about children and agreed that maybe we should give it a go. Up to this point i never wanted children, didn't have a maternal bone in my body, i was also 'that aunt'.

having children was the hardest thing i ever did.. and still is even though they are adults. babies are not fads, babies are not accessories, they are for life! and its hard.

I never felt broody and am also very introverted but always pictured myself having a family in the future. Then hit 38 and thought it's now or never... got pregnant first month of trying.

Now have a 4yo and pregnant with number 2, very happy being a mum and I don't regret it. I do find it hard at times; having lived so much of my life exactly as I wanted to it was a big adjustment, but I think it's worth it!

Weird to ask strangers to help you decide on something as important as having a baby.

Are you new here? These boards are full of women asking if they should have a baby or add another child to their family?

No not new.

Weird isn't it.

I was never bothered about children, always quite selfish and introverted. Then my SIL became pregnant and I thought, okay...better jump on board or get left behind. Went on to have one of each - knew that I loved them but was never gooey over them or overprotective and was still quite selfish. In my 70s now with 2 teenage GC as well, and I'm glad I've got 'a family' as they do seem to give me a purpose but I've never hovered over them or pushed them - as a result they seem to be resilient and confident. Do I regret having children? No. Would I have been bothered if it just hadn't happened? No. This waffle is relevant OP if only to show that you can stay true to yourself and have children - they're not mutually exclusive - and good luck with whatever you decide.

If you’re being honest, and it sounds as if you are, I think this is a deeply revealing post about the kind of completely unthinking reason many people have children, just out of some vague sense it’s something you see other people doing and think you’re supposed to, in the same way you’re ’supposed to’ get on the ‘property ladder’.