Abusive teenage son

[Thedarkersideofmotherhood]

I'm in the unfortunate position of being abused by my 17 year old son. He's also abusive to his 13 year old brother.

It's been just me and them since I fled with them from their father with the help of a domestic abuse charity 11 years ago.

Single motherhood has been a terrible grind, full of loneliness, isolation (no family around), frustration and hard, hard work. I was worn down, gave up my great career as I couldn't manage it with the kids.

Both boys have ADHD as well as their father, so behaviour was challenging, especially before diagnosis.

In the past few years my oldest son started smoking large amounts of cannabis and taking ketamine.

He was arrested earlier this year for selling cannabis.

He's been coercing me into giving him money for drugs for around 18 months. He'd follow me around, not let me sleep, or would take it out on his brother. They have never got on.

I've called the police on him twice now as he's esclauted to dangerous violence against his brother along with the ongoing emotional and financial abuse of me. I'm standing up to him more and he thinks I've gone mad.

I'm so worried for my younger son especially and need this to end which is why I involved the police.

Police took him to his father's place to stay a few days.

I don't want him back, I've had more than enough and younger brother is scared.

He doesn't want to stay with his father it's a small one bed flat. He is adamant he's coming back here. His father has now joined with him in saying I'm abusive for kicking him out and need to seek help for my mental health, just like I did when I left him (the abusive dad) because I was 'crazy' then and now.

Sorry this is long. My son does this awful abusive thing where he reverses victim and offender to me all the time and to all professionals I have contacted, just like his father did years ago.

I've got social services but they are of no help so far.

What is there to do in this situation? My darling baby boy has grown up to abuse me like his father did. I cherished and adored him and we used to be really close.

Anyone with any experience of this? There are a lot of abusive men who do stuff like gaslight, lie and reverse victim and offender and my son is doing this to the extent that it appears he believes it is true. I'm not sure their is any hope he will change. His father certainly didn't.

CAHMS are going to check him out after police referral today. Son also has a counsellor who is helpful but not even sure she believes me as he's told her a pack of lies.

You have got to get tough. Call ss again, tell them you need help now. When is he 18? may need a restraining order if he gets aggressive. Keep calling police when he turns up, he needs to stay at his father’s. Stop answering calls and texts, block everything and call police if he shows up. He is not homeless , he just knows he can abuse you for cash and he can’t do that to dad.

Up to you if you have him back or not.

You need to speak to social services again.

I know this is an awful, awful thing to say but you can voluntarily place him in care if you need to under section 20. You have to protect yourself and your son, and right now that means he can’t live in the family home.

He wouldn’t be street homeless, although he is unlikely to have a long term foster home at 17 there are supported accommodation services available for young adults like your son, and he would be a higher banding with your local authority when he reaches 18 meaning he could go on to have a council tenancy before long.

So awful OP, don’t have any good advice other than to suggest you up sticks and move and don’t tell DS1 and exH where you’ve gone.

He has a roof over his head OP. Call social services and say he's a danger to your younger son and your not taking him back. They may try and persuade you to anyway but say no I need to safeguard my child.

Tell your son you love him but you can't have his violence around you or your younger son, and not to Contact you again until he's turned his life around. Make clear if he shows up at the door then you will call the police. It's hard OP believe me I've been there and my son wasn't half as bad as this, we did have him home and it's worked out for us. But he's not on drugs, if he was I'd honestly open my front door this minutes and ask him to leave.

I don't have experience but I tell you if my son ( Autistic/ADHD) did this, they'd be out of the house never to return.

It's awful as you are the mother. But he's old enough to be out the house. I appreciate he has additional needs but that doesn't mean this behaviour is accepted. It would be like enabling if you have him back. If there is ever any chance of change, he needs you to be so strong and firm that you say you are not returning to this home I'm afraid. Anything other that that is enabling. I have a brother who is a sociopath. My mum never ever set appropriate boundaries and still forgives and enables all sorts. Don't do it.

So sorry you're dealing with this.

You are not being abusive to not have him back.
You need to protect yourself and your younger son.
Call SS. If anything escalates call the police.

I agree

First things first... I really hoped you've changed the locks by now.

If they do believe him say will if I'm such a terrible mother then why is he demanding to come back? Surely if I'm this monster he says I am then he'd rather live anywhere but here?

What they going to say to that? Because it's a perfectly legitimate question.

Are CAMHS really going to do anything? What can they realistically offer. Blaming you OP is perfect because it takes all responsibility off their shoulders.

I'd change the locks. I don't know why your son is doing this but he sounds sociopathic and incredibly dangerous.

I was thinking about changing the locks, but haven't had the strength today as am in a bit of a daze - it all happened this morning.

So has said I'll be looking over his dead body soon if I do kick him out for good.

Son has said...

Stop allowing yourself to be abused.
Take control.
You don't need that in your life nor does your other son.

You can't save him now. The only chance he might ever have is when you show him he won't be coming back in the house again. He's manipulating you. You've possibly let him away with quite alot ( I really don't blame you, you're his mum. I've enabled things myself with abusive people). You are enabling if you let him back in. You'll have to find a way to switch off from him as your son and see how he's treating you. I know it is not easy.
The greatest gift you can give both your sons and yourself is ' I love you but you are no longer able to live here'. Don't even answer that crap about seeing him dead. It's all out of your control.

It’s isn’t your life for his, he’s manipulating and gaslighting you, the best thing you can do is have a break from him and protect your younger child.

is he in education?

Block your ex, he’s just enjoying the situation that what abusers do, he’s abusing you from afar.

refuse to have ds home while he’s still 17, once he’s 18 social services will not get involved and the police will take a different view once he is an adult.

You have a chance to get him help now, and give you and your other son respite. If you allow him back it will be more of the same.

single parenting is hard work, you deserve better than this

Well that's better than looking over your 13 year olds body.

Please don't let him back.

Refuse his coming back. He stays with his father and you tell Social Services as a pp says that he’s a danger to the younger one. I’d also raise his dad’s nonsense about your mental health just to lay that shit to rest.

Gaslighting at its finest. This is what sociopaths and narcissists do. They always suggest the innocent truthful party is ' nuts '.

Been there and got the t shirt!

Hope you’re out of that situation now. 🥰

Thanks for all the replies. I know I need to not let him come back. I hope I find the strength to change the locks tomorrow.

The 'professionals' such as social services don't seem very concerned and keep suggesting family therapy. I've told them no way as I don't have the strength and I can't see him changing. It's terrifying how he manipulates, lies and gasslights and believes his own lies. There is no way to get through to him.

He can present at the local authority as homeless.. I threw my ds out when he hit his gf... No regret. He was 20.

Love, it’s a hideous situation and I really feel for you. Having experienced similar, I strongly recommend self referring to https://capafirstresponse.org they are true py amazing, you’re not alone.

Tell them you want to discuss a section 20. They will listen then.