Abusive teenage son

[Thedarkersideofmotherhood]

I'm in the unfortunate position of being abused by my 17 year old son. He's also abusive to his 13 year old brother.

It's been just me and them since I fled with them from their father with the help of a domestic abuse charity 11 years ago.

Single motherhood has been a terrible grind, full of loneliness, isolation (no family around), frustration and hard, hard work. I was worn down, gave up my great career as I couldn't manage it with the kids.

Both boys have ADHD as well as their father, so behaviour was challenging, especially before diagnosis.

In the past few years my oldest son started smoking large amounts of cannabis and taking ketamine.

He was arrested earlier this year for selling cannabis.

He's been coercing me into giving him money for drugs for around 18 months. He'd follow me around, not let me sleep, or would take it out on his brother. They have never got on.

I've called the police on him twice now as he's esclauted to dangerous violence against his brother along with the ongoing emotional and financial abuse of me. I'm standing up to him more and he thinks I've gone mad.

I'm so worried for my younger son especially and need this to end which is why I involved the police.

Police took him to his father's place to stay a few days.

I don't want him back, I've had more than enough and younger brother is scared.

He doesn't want to stay with his father it's a small one bed flat. He is adamant he's coming back here. His father has now joined with him in saying I'm abusive for kicking him out and need to seek help for my mental health, just like I did when I left him (the abusive dad) because I was 'crazy' then and now.

Sorry this is long. My son does this awful abusive thing where he reverses victim and offender to me all the time and to all professionals I have contacted, just like his father did years ago.

I've got social services but they are of no help so far.

What is there to do in this situation? My darling baby boy has grown up to abuse me like his father did. I cherished and adored him and we used to be really close.

Anyone with any experience of this? There are a lot of abusive men who do stuff like gaslight, lie and reverse victim and offender and my son is doing this to the extent that it appears he believes it is true. I'm not sure their is any hope he will change. His father certainly didn't.

Jesus Christ that’s bold advice. I hope you’re right. People kill themselves all the time, he is still just a kid and clearly in crisis. We are not talking about a fully developed adult here, he is only 17 and adhd will mean he may need longer to mature.

I’m really sorry to hear this op, it sounds an awful situation.
I really think you need to change locks, and consider moving (without a forwarding address) for the sake of your younger son. It will be tough, but you need to be strong, cut off your older son & protect your youngest & yourself from this abuse.

@Donotneedit

The advice is to call 999 and tell them someone is threatening to take their own life

Sadly abusers threaten to do it all the time - best thing to do is hand it over to the authorities who will assess the risk. Op might find those threats soon stop once the police come and visit after each threat

Your advice is that “If he was going to kill himself he would not be boasting about it..it is simply another tactic to scare you into submission when you are trying to create boundaries “
I find that reckless.

threats of suicide from a distressed teen should be taken seriously. Call 999 by all means but labelling him as simply a manipulator and an abuser will only cause more damage and could end in catastrophic consequences

I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of violence from a teenager, and has spent the last year working with professionals, learning about how to reduce the inflammation and repair the situation. Demonising the young person is the worst thing you can do.

I have a son like this, He was verbally abusive and physically abusive to his younger brother

Verbally abusive to me and when a teenager physically threw me across the room ,
The next day I found him a flat with a charity - ,he was 18.

Then when he was 23 he moved back ,was calmer but not doing anything except playing Xbox all day.
Again,I found him a flat AND a job,got him out .
Now he's 32 , living independently and I only see him once a year
It's sad, he was a lovely baby and toddler,always laughing with rosy cheeks and golden curls.
He was influenced I believe by the games like Call of Duty, they made him aggressive.

He sounds unwell. Excessive, or even moderate, weed smoking in teenaged boys can lead to psychosis and ultimately schizophrenia. I know. It happened to my son. You must protect yourself and your other child from his rage. I concur with phoning the police and having him removed if he comes back. OP, he’s dangerous.

Two of my family members took their own lives.
They didn’t talk about it, they never threatened it, they just did it.
If a person is threatening, they aren’t doing. It’s a form of manipulation, or psychological blackmail.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, but sometimes people talk about it in advance, sometimes people do not, that’s a fact

ive also been affected by suicide. There’s a lot of it about unfortunatey

Save the 13 ye old. Give him a chance. Do not let the 17yr old back in. Change the lock and call 999 he will have to go back to his father. Do this for your little one.

You need to stay strong and not allow him back. You could lose your younger son if you allow him to be abused. Keep refusing, they cannot force you to have him back.

In less than a year he will be an adult man, abusing you and your child. The fact that he is your son does not excuse him.

Is your son Autistic? I know I'll get ripped for this but there are some really worrying concerns for alot of us regards emotional regulation and how far that might go. If PDA is also in the mix.
I know there are many beautiful kind ND people btw! But I think we need to be open and honest about the risk factors for violence here.
The worst side of my son is when he plays Fortnite. Luckily he is more into sports ATM and less of this.

Call of Duty isn't great but I don't believe you are responsible for all that because you let him play CoD. It's really sad these situations. But more common than many realise.

He doesn't play video games, so it isn't that. He was assessed for autism when age 7 as he was having rages that lasted at least an hour if not more every day.

It was a thorough assessment and he didn't even meet the sub-threshold for autism, although the very experienced peaditrition was really sure from first observations that he was autistic. It was likely his reaction to his abusive father was later concluded.

So probably not that. More ADHD, but now looking more like ADHD and narcissism or even psychopath.

I assume they check for PDA when they do an autism assessment.

Another way he is abusive is he is insisting that I'm the one that needs help.

I've sent him to his father's three times before and told him not to come back.

His reaction was to immediately go to the police station to report me as an unfit mother. The police only spoke to me the first time, and the third time, they turned him away.

He was also threatened to tell police I'd been abusing him because I tried to push him (not hard, just to give him firm direction when he wouldn't move) when he had wound his brother into a terrible state. He said he was protecting me by not telling the police this. He did tell them yesterday morning, but was told that as his mother, I certainly can do that.

He has deliberately wound me up several times and then mocked me with a smirk on his face, pointing at me and saying I'm crazy. He does the same to his brother. I don't understand such cruelty.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. He is 17 and has another parent that can have him. That is what now needs to happen. Your ex needs to try and get a bigger place for both of them. You cannot have him back. You and the younger 13 year old child must come first. I would even consider trying to get moved to a different house/flat in your circumstances and make sure its 2 bedroom so you cant accomodate him back.

You lovely woman, stay strong for your younger son and for yourself. Well done on getting through today xx

.

You need a break, he's with his dad. He's safe and has somewhere to stay.

Block him, change the locks and focus on yourself and your younger child.

I have changed the locks and have dropped the bulk of his things off at his dad's just now. Thankfully, they had gone for a walk and a neighbour let me put his things in the communal hallway.
It all feels surreal. I told his dad that if son comes back here to make trouble, I will call the police. I won't let him inside of course.

Well done op. I know it’s hard but he needs to learn some respect for you.

Please call the police if he comes causing a disturbance

You can always offer to meet him
in a public safe space for a drink/cake etc

Thank you all very much for your help and encouragement.

Just wanted to add, regarding his suicide threat, that I overheard him talking to his counsellor a few days ago (had threatened suicide again that day if I went ahead with kicking him out) that the police told him he had to leave if I said so, and he spoke with her about his options - staying with Dad, presenting as homeless to the council etc.

Around 30 minutes after the call, I heard him chuckling several times at funny videos or something he was watching on his phone.

Of course, I take the threat seriously but that gave me some confidence he was trying to manipulate me.

When I called the police yesterday morning, I mentioned the suicide threat which he made again yesterday and an ambulance actually arrived as well as the police.

It was two female paramedics who spoke to him about his mental health. I think that shocked him a bit and showed him I was indeed going ahead.

Thanks again, you have all been wonderful, especially with social services not taking it seriously enough. It gave me the extra boost of courage that I needed.

Well done OP. He sounds sociopathic / narcissistic at the extreme level. I imagine he will blame you for the rest of his life for everything he does wrong in his life. It really is so awful being around this. You must feel so sad. But this was the life path set out for him in afraid and it absolutely isn't your fault. I know as a mum you will think that.

When the ship is sinking, is it better to save two passengers or for all three to drown.