Abusive teenage son

[Thedarkersideofmotherhood]

I'm in the unfortunate position of being abused by my 17 year old son. He's also abusive to his 13 year old brother.

It's been just me and them since I fled with them from their father with the help of a domestic abuse charity 11 years ago.

Single motherhood has been a terrible grind, full of loneliness, isolation (no family around), frustration and hard, hard work. I was worn down, gave up my great career as I couldn't manage it with the kids.

Both boys have ADHD as well as their father, so behaviour was challenging, especially before diagnosis.

In the past few years my oldest son started smoking large amounts of cannabis and taking ketamine.

He was arrested earlier this year for selling cannabis.

He's been coercing me into giving him money for drugs for around 18 months. He'd follow me around, not let me sleep, or would take it out on his brother. They have never got on.

I've called the police on him twice now as he's esclauted to dangerous violence against his brother along with the ongoing emotional and financial abuse of me. I'm standing up to him more and he thinks I've gone mad.

I'm so worried for my younger son especially and need this to end which is why I involved the police.

Police took him to his father's place to stay a few days.

I don't want him back, I've had more than enough and younger brother is scared.

He doesn't want to stay with his father it's a small one bed flat. He is adamant he's coming back here. His father has now joined with him in saying I'm abusive for kicking him out and need to seek help for my mental health, just like I did when I left him (the abusive dad) because I was 'crazy' then and now.

Sorry this is long. My son does this awful abusive thing where he reverses victim and offender to me all the time and to all professionals I have contacted, just like his father did years ago.

I've got social services but they are of no help so far.

What is there to do in this situation? My darling baby boy has grown up to abuse me like his father did. I cherished and adored him and we used to be really close.

Anyone with any experience of this? There are a lot of abusive men who do stuff like gaslight, lie and reverse victim and offender and my son is doing this to the extent that it appears he believes it is true. I'm not sure their is any hope he will change. His father certainly didn't.

@Thedarkersideofmotherhood the so called professionals have no resources to deal with this. When you think about it, what can they actually do? It's horrible but the truth is they don't have anything to offer. So they put the responsibility back on you and suggest things like family therapy. They're looking for cracks in your strength to put it back on you.

You must stand firm. Just repeat again and again ' abusive, threatening,afraid of him, ' . All you can do is not let him in. He will find a way to survive somehow. If he's clever enough to manipulate you like this,he will find a way to cope when he isn't living with you ❤️

They can take him into care under a section 20, it is their legal obligation to do so.

He will do he's manipulating you.... believe me I know how hard this is... on the one hand you want him out so it will stop and on the other you don't want to abandon your child.

Your other son will go the same way if this carries on OP.

It’s amazing how all these abusers simultaneously think you are mental/fucking useless/ all their crappy insults, but you are still perfectly good enough for providing money/lodgings and any other resource they can’t be arsed to provide for themselves.

A very very hard no, and no budging from letting him know you see him as a violent abuser. Only starting from reality is their any hope of saving him.

Sadly and I know it's a horrific thing but you really need to prioritise the dc who is being bullied.... Choosing one over another is very very hard.. Imo.

@DontBiteTheCat ah thankyou. That makes sense now; that is why they are gaslighting OP then! Because they don't want to deal with this and probably want to wait it out ( by minimising and blaming you OP) until he turns 18. Then they can wash hands of it.
Don't underestimate the gaslighting that goes on in these so called professions when they have little resources.

Social services said it doesn't meet the threshold for section 20 where they put him into care.
Meanwhile, we are living in fear. He's here ALL the time too so no respite. I've had to cut down work to be here for younger one. I'm honestly terrified - can barely pay the bills too.

He's been bodybuilding toovto terrify us even more. He looks dangerous when angry and believing his own lies.

You really need to challenge that decision.

Thank you very much for the section 20 information. That is really useful.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. For the sake of your younger son, you need to change the locks. Keep calling the police when he comes round, don’t let him in. You have to protect your younger boy.

There are supported housing options that don’t involve section 20. You can call your council housing department about it.

Then just answer "well, that would be sad" end of conversation

Change the locks

I'd be changing the locks asap. You cannot have him back in your home.

There are, but depending on the area the wait lists are really long and you are a lower priority without social care involvement.

I worked in several for many years before starting my degree in social work.

OP this is awful for all of you
please contact your local DV service

Thanks @DontBiteTheCat . So there are two routes whereby the council could house him? And one involves social care?

If he's with his dad then he doesn't need to be accommodated under section 20 by social care as he's got a parent who can care for him. If both parents can't or won't care for him then this could be an option however it is very costly for Local Authorities to bring kids into care so this is why they will have said he doesn't meet the threshold. I wouldn't have him back home if he's a risk to you and your younger child and would just keep saying this to social care when they will try to convince you to let him come home. Eventually they will have to support him if dad kicks him out.

Am waiting for a call back from D services. Doing all I can but so nervous.
Also worried that if he does kill himself, I'll be to blame.

Yes.

He could present to the council as homeless and they would likely place him in emergency accommodation for some time until a suitable property becomes available. He would need to do that himself though and be open to it.

Or, you push for section 20. He would likely be housed in a supported accommodation service with a support worker. The aim would be to get him into education or training and get him housed. They would help with claiming benefits etc. He can then start bidding on council properties, and would be a higher priority (band one where I am) due to being a Looked After Child in the care of the local authority.

DV - domestic violence services

Thanks again @DontBiteTheCat very useful to know.

OP lets say he did take his life. I promise you it would not be your fault! I imagine he will use this to manipulate you. No one should ever threaten that ever. You are being abused! And your young son is at huge huge risk of becoming the same! He is watching everything.

Thank you everyone. It has occurred to me that my younger son might turn out the same. I would never have imagined my older son would when he was that age.
I'll get counselling for the younger one.
With the older one gone, I'll be able to be a better parent too as I won't be living in fear.