I don't know how to handle this situation with DD& food

[RenegadeMister]

Without causing a whole host of issues down the line. I'm posting in chat rather than AIBU as I'm feeling a bit sad/sensitive about this issue.
DD (7) is on the 98th percentile for both height and weight. She eats excellent meals, even by MN standards, but I realised the snacking and puddings had got out of hand and started making some subtle but sensible changes- no chocolate/sweets during the week, maybe an ice lolly or sugar free jelly after dinner, knocked off sugary cereal and we've switched to brown bread and pasta. Also increased exercise where possible.
I've never bribed with food, I don't use food as a reward and don't demonise any food. Everything in moderation, just ensuring there actually is some moderation now. She sees me eating healthily, exercising and not eating much if any 'treat' food.
So instead she's sneaking junk. I've found wrappers and I know there's other stuff missing. Simple solution is not to have it in the house- seems a shame, but it's doable. The trouble is it also doesn't teach her anything. I don't want to draw attention to weight but she's noticing she's bigger than other children, it can't be good for her teeth (clean bill of health from the dentist for now) or health and I don't like the sneakiness.
How do I handle this without sowing seeds of unhealthy attitudes towards food/body image?
Other people giving/offering sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc is a whole other issue- it's insidious and everything seems to come back to food!- but I want to start at home. Any tips greatly received!

How active is she? Can you up her sport? Swimming is good for producing very fit kids, could you work her towards being able to join a club?

Thanks @WASZPy she's relatively active- definitely in a non structured way ie. rarely sits still but for planned stuff it's a bit more difficult fitting things in after school. She does swim (lessons) once a week and we'll go for fun maybe once a month. PE at school twice a week and weekends are usually day out (park/zoo/NT type place) on one day and a long local walk the other. She bikes/scooters/skips and plays in the garden most days while I sort dinner after school.
We had to see GP recently for something unrelated and I gently enquired about her shape and they said they had no concerns- they didn't weigh and measure though, just went by eye.

If she's 98 percentile for height and weight it sounds as though she is in proportion, just big for her age.

How would you deal with her stealing money, or sneaking your makeup etc? Same approach to stealing treats.

Allocate her 'treats' for the week in her own box - when they're gone they're gone. Up to you decide how much of a treat things are. You can always split a pack of sweets etc into smaller 'portions'.

People have boxes with stuff in for that day or that week that they have free access to.

I used to make all our cakes and biscuits so there wasn't much to have. I don't mean that's why I did it! Just that I did do it so that was the consequence. If I made a cake on Saturday there was no cake by Tuesday.

When they were primary age, they never had snacks. Just meals. Even after swimming I would just make sure that whatever we were having was fast that night. My dc would eat together about 5.30.

As they got older and started growing faster but eating dinner later they would have something to eat after school.

If she’s sneaking stuff she’s feeling guilty and ashamed.

I don’t have an answer. Mine was like this, but she was later diagnosed ADHD and was doing it for dopamine hits.

Thank you, I appreciate the (gentle!) replies. @Seeline she probably is "in proportion" but she looks big. I feel horrible for writing that but it's true and finding clothes to fit is becoming more difficult.
If it were stealing anything else I'd tell off and keep things out of sight, which is what I've done but she knows where to look, including the baking cupboard which prompted me to start this thread. This is why I'm thinking about quietly just throwing the lot in the bin. And I don't want to go down the wrong road by hammering home the point of unhealthy food- maybe I could focus it on the sneaking?

I tried the "treats for the weekend" box and it worked well- til I realised all the extras she was helping herself to.

I'm happy with the no chocolate or sweets during the week but have been keeping stuff in for the weekend. There's only the 2 of us so small amounts last ages, there's still stuff here from Christmas.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I think she likes the thrill of getting away with it as much as eating it. I'm not sure about ADHD though, it never occurred to me.

I'd move all the treats to one secure place or throw away. Buy treats one at a time as needed.

Keep an eye on portion size. Keep her food healthy. Keep her active. Wait for her to grow. That's it really.

I don’t think they how percentiles work. It’s where you fit in a population so she’s not necessarily ‘in proportion’ she’s just at the same point on the population continuum for both height and weight. Given some children are overweight, she is likely also overweight, if she is on the 98th percentile, albeit less overweight than an average height child, who is on the 98th percentile for weight (if that makes sense).

Had same issue. We didn’t talk about food at all. We talked about fitness and health. DC was very overweight.

We stopped buying any UPFs - ultra processed foods. Stopped all unhealthy bread and snacks. Took about a year but now dc is in the healthy range and buys sweets sometimes.

have to just keep going and have to model the behaviour so exercise, healthy meals, no snacks for the adults

Are you sure she is overweight? Maybe she is in proportion and has a healthy weight and restricting her diet means she’s hungry?

My Mum’s relationship with food meant I was hungry most of my late childhood up until
I left home, I was so thin my school
thought I was anorexic. At one point at senior school I ate three chocolate bars a day and was still very skinny, 5ft 5 at 18 and only 7st. I did put on weight at university but became a healthy weight rather than permanently underweight. It has screwed up my relationship with food and my body.

Percentiles have not been adjusted for the obesity epidemic and if you track both then you are in proportion and very unlikely to be overweight

@NuffSaidSam that was the approach I was thinking.

@mountaingoatsarehairy yes I've really been making a point of cutting back on upf for both of us, it's everywhere! I'm aiming for 80% but haven't kept track specifically of this. I'll see if there's any further room for improvement. Thank you for sharing, and well done all of you for getting a handle on it (I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's not meant to be). I'd really like to get her to the stage where she doesn't WANT it all the time or she'll have a field day when I have less control of what she eats.

@Enterthewolves so sorry you went through that, the psychological impact is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. My eating was dysfunctional for several years and it's hard to get on top of it, but I'm in a good place now. I'm as sure as I can be from looking in person and seeing the stats. I'm confident she's not genuinely hungry, but she'd eat constantly given the opportunity. Not the kind of child you could say "have some fruit" to distinguish hunger- there's very little I can think of that she'd turn down.

Surely this means though that she’s more ‘in proportion’ than a child who is say on the 98the centile for weight but the 33rd for height?

Personally I think trying to teach a 7 year old a lesson about moderating her own taste for sweets is settings both of you up to fail. Just don't have treats in the house and say no when you are out and about. If there are people you spend a lot of time with, try and get them inside with not offering either.

@TequilaSunsets I think you're probably right. I don't have this stuff "out on show" but obviously she knows where to find it and the impulse is strong to get it. I am slightly concerned that when I get rid of basically everything she'll turn to sneaking other stuff, I'm worried it's compulsive eating rather than just the lure of sweets/chocolate, but I'll have to figure that one out if it happens.

Getting others on board is a work in progress! I feel I look like such a mean mum but I'm just trying to protect her.

Have you actually talked about how food works? She’s noticing that she’s bigger than other children, so can you use that to ask how it makes her feel, and then explain how food fuels us and if we have more than we use, it gets stored up? That doesn’t have to be something that causes issues, it’s educating and helping her choose. I’m trying to be curious about what age we understand the relationship between food and body shape/size. I’m sure at 7 I wouldn’t have made the connection.

Yes, that’s what I have tried to say (probably not very well), but that’s not the same as being in proportion.

if she is sneaking food it probably is not because she is hungry but because she is eating for comfort. She will certainly be feeling sad to do this. I think you need to work on emotions first and health second.

That’s surprising, presumably, far more than 1% of people are on the 99th percentile for weight then?

Kind of @JamSlags. We talk about what different types of food are (protein, carbs, veg, fat) and what they are good for and she helps to create meals by picking the appropriate things from each category. She understands the concept that if we eat too much junk it can make us fat (as well as be bad for teeth, energy, make us feel sick etc) but I don't think that's directly linked in her head to herself and I don't really want to point out that connection. I don't want her to feel bad about enjoying her (now limited) treats.

@RenegadeMister It's really tough...but pretty much all kids like sweets and I think very few can really self-regulate with food that's designed to be addictive.

It could be I suppose? Not sure how I'd find out? She's generally a very happy go lucky, chilled out, clever, sociable child. If something is bothering her, she'll ask me about it. Or her behaviour goes so weird, I know something is wrong and I can usually coax it out of her.
When the sneaking first started and I asked her about it she flat out denied it. I had the wrappers in my hand from her bedroom and she did stop denying it but never admitted it either- I was cross because it was some special chocolates I'd got for Christmas.
I personally think she's doing it because she loves chocolate/sweets and, because I've stopped bringing it up for fear of messing her up mentally, thinks she's getting away with it.

Yeah that's true re the addictive nature of it, it's what has sent me down the cutting upf route.

I've read so many threads about this issue and it's usually a split of opinions- don't have it in the house Vs don't make it a forbidden fruit. I've tried to not make it a forbidden fruit but I think I've inadvertently made it a bit too normal and accessible.

We have similar issues. We never use food as punishment or reward. The DCs can have 2 items from the Treat Box per week, at any time they like (even breakfast), but once they're gone that's it (except for special occasions etc). Otherwise it's fruit, plain or sugar free yoghurt for desserts, very occasional sugar free ice pop.

Does she drink enough?