Are you able to say no to requests without lying?

[allaboardtheplaybus]

I wish I had the ability to say "No can do, sorry!"

I know it's nice to be able to do favours for people but sometimes I just don't fancy doing it!

I lost my elderly dog a year ago and since then I've looked after a well behaved dog occasionally. Unfortunately everyone I know with a dog has since asked me to have theirs - they seem to think I'll jump at the chance because I miss my own!

The people who've asked me have unruly dogs who leap all over the furniture at home which I won't allow - yet instead of saying "no" to them I find myself making up reasons which I've then got to remember at a later date 😂 If only I could master the old MN "That doesn't work for me".

It is difficult, but once you have done it once it gets easier! What’s the worst that could happen?

Yeah - it never becomes easy exactly, but saying no along with a simple apology (rather than fake excuse) does come out a bit more fluently with practice 😂

Exactly!
Although i've just posted on a thread which is about 'worrying about people will think !!'

I think that's a big part of the 'not able to say no' problem for some people. Including me!

'No, sorry, that's just not going to work for me this time. I hope you find someone who can help/are able to sort something.'

Favours are often best kept in a small friend circle, where nobody takes the piss and it's reciprocal if need be.

Practice will improve performance! Also being less worried about others: their problem is not your problem. Yes, care but don't unduly inconvenience yourselves for orhers. Unless you love them, then maybe😃

As I’ve got older (52), I have found it easier and easier to simply say no. I am selective about what I’ll go to and I think that’s ok.

Invited (out of politeness) to my niece’s hen-do in August, I just said ‘sorry, that’s not for me’. My good friend’s 50th last year - was a hen-do esque occasion too (my idea of hell), so I just politely declined.

My colleague invited me to her leaving meal with a ‘but I know you won’t come!’, so my reputation clearly precedes me 😬

It's definitely practise. I've even stopped saying sorry as they are asking the favour, not you.

Can you do this for me?
No, I can't.

Simple.

It took me years to master this but now I find the key is not to apologise for 'NO'.

Even “That doesn’t work for me” won’t always work for you. People will ask what will work or try to find ways to make it work, because they want it to work for them.

The best response I’ve found is “I have other plans.” It’s not a lie even if those plans are just reading a book. Only the cheekiest of CFs would ask for details. If they did (no one has) I would get a bit sterner and ask why what my plans were mattered.

In your situation with the dogs, I might just say “No thank you. I’ve looked after enough dogs now to last me a lifetime.” God luck 😬

The trick is to pretend to be an English speaking German / Swede / Dutch person. Be matter of fact, not aggressive. It takes practice.

@Lurkingandlearning Even “That doesn’t work for me” won’t always work for you. People will ask what will work or try to find ways to make it work, because they want it to work for them.

I would keep saying reiterating that it won't work for me - if it's a person I'm closer to then I might add more details but not for a random acquaintance. In this case I would clearly state 'I don't want to be responsible for someone else's pet right now'.

I do that with scam phone calls, to waste their time.

Yes. One of the advantages of getting older. Really don’t care what people think anymore. Though I have that a simple “no, I can’t” or “no, not my cup of tea” is usually received perfectly well.

I don't find it hard at all anymore.

I used to struggle, but now I run my own business and have to say no for my own sanity or I'll be working all the hours available.

I find that lying or making up an excuse actually makes it harder, so I just say "sorry, I'm not available" - it's none of their business why 😂

"I can't - I have looked after other people's dogs since 'Buddy' died but I simply find it too painful "

I do it all the time and don't give it a second thought. I hate people lying to me or letting me down so I appreciate the honesty when someone says they can't/won't do something and I do the same.
DH is horrified as his families Modus Operandai is to be wooly and say "I am not sure we can" or " we will have to see", which means people are never sure whats happening. They took some time to get used to me just saying no or that I didnt want to ( I am always polite) and they thought I was very rude - they probably still do but rather that than get trapped into doing something I don't want to

But then if they see her looking after someone else's dog, it's obvious she's lying 😬

I tend to do it with just matter of fact plain honesty…

“oh sorry I’ll probably be half asleep by 8 o clock so no, as much as I’d love to meet you all for drinks I’ll be crap company… enjoy it though.”

”…yeah I’ve just looked in my diary and I’ve got a very stressful full-on week at work and I won’t cope with doing that as well…”

”A spa day? It sounds absolutely lovely but it’s just not my thing at all sorry.”

”No. Sorry. We are a strictly no dogs household now. Hope you find someone”

”To be honest if you’re inviting Bob I’ll give it a miss. He’s a bit full on for me.”

”Any other time I’d offer to help but I’ve got a lot in my plate that week.”

They're asking you to look after their dog, do they pay you?

I use Rover and pay £25 a night.
If they ask again tell them your rates. They are CF's.

Just be honest - no. I've realised it's hard for me to deal with other dogs in my home as all dogs are disciplined differently, so I'm not doing that anymore.

I have a Dutch friend who is completely bemused at the reluctance of English people to just say ‘no’ and their reliance instead on apologetic excuses or a vague maybe.

I’m perfectly comfortable just saying no to favours but it’s taken me a while to get to this point. It does get easier with age. A while ago a group of friends asked me to host a Saturday night dinner party as I’m the only one in our group with a kitchen and house big enough to fit everyone. I just said no. I really can’t be doing with all the prep, organising and my weekends are for relaxing. In times past I would definitely have made up an excuse. One friend passively aggressively said “but if you don’t host we’ll have to meet in a restaurant” I nodded and said I looked forward to us all enjoying a meal out.

Depends.
Sometimes I lie, sometimes I don't.
Whatever oils the wheels of social interaction without too much repercussion.
In this particular case I'd tell most of the truth (if I've understood you correctly, OP) and say that I've bonded with this one dog who fulfils the part of me that enjoys having dogs around and you don't want any other.

If you need a lie I'd suggest a tearful eye, quivering lip and the phrase "Anything else might bring back too many memories. I'm not over <otherdog> yet".

But I used to be an actress and that probably continues on to real life for me now.
I never see the point in truth for truth's sake if it will hurt someone.

You could say that the more time you spend with their dogs the more you miss your own and it's doing you no good so you don't want to see their dogs at all.

So sorry to hear about your own dear dog OP.

I lost my dog last year and almost immediately people starting saying, 'Well if you miss her you can always walk my dog/call in to keep my dog company while I'm at work/have my two dogs for a month whilst I go on holiday. At first I thought it would be lovely as I believed I loved dogs....but what I realised was that I loved MY dog and the others...well, they were just nice dogs that took up my time and made me feel a bit sadder.

Eventually I just said no. Just saying no isn't rude but the few sniffy responses and 'put out' looks I got seemed very rude, especially coming from presumptious people who wanted something from me for nothing.

After a lifetime of finding it hard to say no, squirming and apologising and lying as I did it I have finally stopped. It's bloody great and now I do it without hesitation.

If I say yes I end up unhappy. If I say no I feel immediate relief.

Honestly it's the most underrated superpower.

I say no all the time-I wouldn’t be having someone’s pain in the arse dog as a favour when they could pay for kennels!

I tend to say, ‘that date rings a bell-I don’t think we’re free, I’ll get back to you’.