Are you able to say no to requests without lying?

[allaboardtheplaybus]

I wish I had the ability to say "No can do, sorry!"

I know it's nice to be able to do favours for people but sometimes I just don't fancy doing it!

I lost my elderly dog a year ago and since then I've looked after a well behaved dog occasionally. Unfortunately everyone I know with a dog has since asked me to have theirs - they seem to think I'll jump at the chance because I miss my own!

The people who've asked me have unruly dogs who leap all over the furniture at home which I won't allow - yet instead of saying "no" to them I find myself making up reasons which I've then got to remember at a later date 😂 If only I could master the old MN "That doesn't work for me".

I've got better with age.
I used to be rubbish at just saying no to things, like if I was invited to something I didn't want to do I'd always make excuses about childcare or something, or from time to time go along grudgingly.
But with time I learned to be honest and just say "No thanks. Hope you all have a great time." I think everyone probably always knew that I just didn't want to do stuff anyway, it was hardly realistic that DH was working away every single time there was a work night out or similar. But as I got into middle age and realised that that excuse wouldn't wash with teenage kids I also realised I didn't need an excuse. It's perfectly OK to just not to want to do things because they suit other people or because it's "expected". No need to be rude about it of course but also no need to make excuses.
Practice with small things OP, and build up!

I have a friend who makes up excuses rather than saying no.

I've explained to him that the effect is the same. He's still "rejected" me, I.e. said there's something he'd rather do, but I have the added insult of knowing that he's also lied. I think when people make up an excuse you almost always know that's what they've done.

It was all very lighthearted, but I hate being lied to more than I hate being told no and he has taken it on board and stopped. Now he just says no.

Maybe that would help you, to understand you don't really make it less of a blow when you lie about your reasons for not doing something?

I tend to buy myself time instead of an outright lie. I'll say, I'll think about it/let me check my calendar and let you know. After I've thought about it, often I'll just message, "I can't do that, I'm really sorry." That way I'm not lying.

This isn't universal unfortunately. DH is a Swede and would set himself on fire to keep someone else warm if they asked nicely. I'm the one who will simply say 'No' without lies or excuses, although admittedly it took some practice.

Oh god, I’d say “No, it’s far too soon for me to even consider doing that.” If they point out that you are minding the other dog, let them know that you’re happy with your decision and you are not running a kennel.

I have no issue saying no to people and I also reassure anyone I ask for help or something that saying no to my request won't affect our relationship and I genuinely mean it.

How about, “No. But please don’t worry, I’m not a bit offended that you’ve asked me!” Tinkly laugh.

I have no problem saying "no" and giving the real reason. In your situation it would be "no, as they can be unruly and I don't want then leaping all over my furniture". If they take offence at that, well that's their issue not mine.

Nope nobody offers to pay! They seem to think they're doing me a favour 😂 that said, I did enjoy looking after this week's lovely dog for a couple of days and they got me some very nice wine.

It just doesn't mean I'm keen to look after any dog...but I can't say "I don't want to look after yours because it's a twat".

Only with certain people. For others I tend to think (to quote from A Few Good Men) “You can’t handle the truth”
I am also better at being honest if I get a written request. If something is sprung on me to face to face I often go into my default people pleaser mode then worry how to get out of it later

Get ahead of the problem
Send everyone who has a dog or has muttered about wanting one
'Hi, I'm sending a group text to let all my friends know I won't be able to dog sit for anyone. Even if it's for a few hours or the week the answer will be a 'sorry no can do'. I won't bore you with the details but it's mainly become too onerous a task. I thought I'd let everyone know early and then you have plenty of time to make alternative arrangements. I'd be really grateful if my friends could accept this decision and not ask again. Thanks all x'

Basically if they ask after that, you're convenient and not a real friend.

I say a straight no, but generally with a 'jokey' tone - so something like 'no feckin chance, I started off as the Mary Poppins of dogs but starting to feel more Deville than Poppins!'

Or if someone asks if I want to go somewhere 'nope, no way - when I get home from work I ain't moving AT ALL!'

So you're being upfront, but lighthearted about it. If someone said 'that doesn't work for me' I'd think they were an arsehole tbh.

Can you watch Rufus on Fridays? 'No, I can't'.
Can you take Boo Boo walkies on Wednesday morning? 'No I can't'
Can you take Muffin for a week while we go to Disneyland 'No I can't'

That's it, don't engage any further with why or what about another day or anything else. The more reasons, excuses or lies, the more opportunity for them to keep asking. Just shut it down straight away.

I would say, 'oh no, i don't allow dogs on furniture and I know Rover is a sofa dog so that would be too stressful/too much work for me.'

Or 'I know Rover is a playful sociable dog and that is too much for me to take on.'

All these complications and excuses! You just need to train yourself out of saying more words than are needed. “Oh no, I can’t, I’m really sorry”. It’s very rare that someone will be pushy enough to ask why not. And if you accompany this approach with being a decent, honest person, the only people who will dislike you are those who want to manipulate you and are annoyed that they can’t.

Of course you can ! Well, don't phrase it like this obviously, but you can say : your dog is too dynamic for me and it doesn't have the same house rules so that would be very tiring and stressful for me to have it at home

I agree with the other posters, saying "no" becomes easier with age and practice

I've lied once or twice because "I don't want to" wasn't good enough

Even when I have given a reason, (usually lack of public transport) a few still won't take it as no...and they won't help me get there (ie meeting at the closest train station) but still pester me to come

Do this @allaboardtheplaybus. This is what I was taught in an assertiveness workshop.

"Thank you - that's a really kind offer, but no."

Yes. May be because I'm older and put myself before anybody.

I'd simply be a bit honest here.

I'm sorry, I found Fred really full on to look after, he's such a high energy/spirited/badly trained dog [take your pick] and I think it will be really awkward for our friendship if he does damage to my home so I would rather not look after him except in absolute extremis. I'm also enjoying the flexibility of not having a dog right now and having to plan walks etc.

I've started being honest about my mental health these days. I'm 63 and this is a new concept for me, actually being honest and saying " No, that's too much for me. I haven't got the energy." People have asked me to work as their gardener as I do enjoy gardening and have volunteered locally but I just say "No, I'm not reliable enough. I'm not always well enough. It would be too much pressure for me." I don't think people always believe me but I really don't care.

This is me exactly 😆 I just say no...don't even apologise most of the time either, because I'm not actually 'sorry' that I don't want to go to HellRaisers and drink shots on a Thursday 😬 My face gives me away...it looks utterly appalled at the mere suggestion...and the 'suggest-ee' backs meekly away 🤣

Never lie, it's complicating things and not necessary. How about "I don't want the responsibility" works, and is 100% true because it is a big responsibility.

How understanding would these people be if the dog got loose and got lost or run over ... or even just a £50 night in the council pound ?!