Are you able to say no to requests without lying?

[allaboardtheplaybus]

I wish I had the ability to say "No can do, sorry!"

I know it's nice to be able to do favours for people but sometimes I just don't fancy doing it!

I lost my elderly dog a year ago and since then I've looked after a well behaved dog occasionally. Unfortunately everyone I know with a dog has since asked me to have theirs - they seem to think I'll jump at the chance because I miss my own!

The people who've asked me have unruly dogs who leap all over the furniture at home which I won't allow - yet instead of saying "no" to them I find myself making up reasons which I've then got to remember at a later date 😂 If only I could master the old MN "That doesn't work for me".

I really really don’t want to be caught lying so no, it’s not difficult.

I'm a brilliant liar when necessary, but it's not necessary in these kinds of situations. If it's not something I can do or want to do, I just say 'No, I can't/I have other plans/that's not going to work for me'. I just looked at my mother (continually exploited people-pleaser) and decided not to be like that. If you don't value your own attention/free time etc, no one else will.

(True story: I was once asked to babysit at the last minute aged 15 or 16 by a neighbour I sometimes babysat for. I already had plans that night, so I said 'Sorry, no, hope you find someone' and hung up. My mother was so horrified (she'd expected me to cancel my night out because the person who needed a babysitter was more important than I was) that, after I'd gone out, she looked up the woman's number, and got her to drop off the children at our house, which they trashed. And was then resentful that their mother wasn't more grateful and apologetic afterwards. Important lesson -- if you behave as if your time and energy is unimportant, other people will think that too.)

I have to say, though, that I never, ever get people hassling me for insane favours the way so many Mners seem to.

My trick when CFs ask for massive unwarranted favours, is to use their request to do some offloading. I never offload on people, so it is lovely to be able to.

Extreme CF Neighbour (who, by chance , asked the exact same favour as OPs): 'You like dogs. Can I bring my dog over to you on Tuesday?'
Me: 'Why?'
ECFN: 'We'll be in Norfolk Broads as she's so wild and daft I don't want her drowning. We're only away two weeks.'
Me: 'Wait? You need her looked after for two weeks?'
ECFN: 'Yes.'
Me: 'Impossible! I have to schlep into London to pick up my dad and take him to hospital three times next week on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday - that's a six hour round trip not even including waiting times at hospital so I need to find someone who can pick DC up from school, and then DS1 also has all his autism assessments next Wednesday and we have DH's 93 year old uncle arriving from New Zealand at the weekend and I have to move his bed downstairs as he can't manage the stairs, so I'll have to move the dining table into the...'
ECFN: (backing away) 'No worries, no worries.'
She has barely spoken to me again which suits me fine.

Short version of mine is just to say, 'Oh no, I am run off my feet as it is!'

One friend passively aggressively said “but if you don’t host we’ll have to meet in a restaurant” I nodded and said I looked forward to us all enjoying a meal out.

Sounds like a win to me! 🌹

Lying just makes things difficult.

I find that if you don't apologise or offer explanations it gets easier with practice.

Brilliant! She's never going to ask you again is she? And I bet the message gets round to other cheeky people because she'll tell them her experience with you! 🌹

I didn’t learn to until my late 20’s. It was actually my DP who inspired it. His response to someone being irrationally pissed off they didn’t get their way is “Oh well.” as if it’s not his business or problem. Seeing it in action made it possible to adopt the behaviour.

I do feel like it’s a lot easier if you’re a man though. Were expected to be loving and giving and tender and selfless. I know full well I wouldn’t get away with it in a girl-group kind of set-up or in a big family. I’d just be seen as a miserable cow!

Just say no thank you.

‘That doesn’t work for me’ is IMO a daft expression only ever heard on MN.

What’s wrong with, ‘Sorry, no, I’m rather busy/tied up at the moment’ - I.e no specific excuse.

The best phrase I find is "sorry, no, I don't fancy that". There is nothing to argue with and will probably make them feel a little embarrassed for asking.

I do say it quite a lot now and it does get easier!

“No, I don’t do that, but I hope you find someone who does.”

Being quite firm and moving the conversation on usually works for me.

I always use ‘sorry, no, I have plans’.
No need to expand on the ‘plans’. Mine are often plans to do absolutely nothing that day, or to binge watch Netflix.
It’s none of their business what your plans are.

The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Dont apologise or give the other person any reason to believe you would like to but cant right now.

Take a deep breath or two first and dont feel rushed.

Just say, along these lines:
"No. I made a promise to myself not to look after any more dogs"
"No. I dont look after dogs any more - good luck with your search!"
"No. I value my own space/time/house too much to look after other people's pets these days"
"No but thanks for asking!" then STOP talking!!! and walk away :-)

Good luck!!

I love this. I have started doing the same in the last couple of years and it is AMAZING the responses you get from some people!!

No is a perfect and complete sentence.

If you look at this another way I think it's really disingenuous to say yes to things when you don't want to do them. It's almost unfair on the person who has asked the favour. I'd hate for someone to tell me they are happy to help me with something if they secretly didn't want to and resent doing it.

Anyway, following this way of thinking makes it easy to say no to favours or requests. I'm generally a helpful person so I often say yes too.

I think my friends appreciate this as they know they can ask me all sorts of favours and if I say yes they know it's a genuine yes.

I don't make up excuses if it's a matter of declining an invite because I just don't fancy it but I would lie if it would stop someone feeling upset.

I hate having to second guess peoples really intentions.