Mid 40s, what is it we are all missing/need??

[2point4kiddies]

I've followed a couple of 'coaching' calls recently for women of a similar age and there are so many women saying they don't feel enough/don't feel fulfilled, are fed up, stuck in a rut and it got me wondering what it is that these women/we all need at this stage in our lives? I get we are all potentially struggling with parenting/our own parents/perimenopause/jobs (and possible dissatisfaction) but as most of these things cannot be changed, what do we need/can we realistically do to help these feelings??

I am not sure anything is necessarily missing, perhaps it's because at this age (I'm 40) you realise that for most people this is kind of 'it'.
All those dreams you had in your youth? Probably on the back burner now while you raise kids or care for your parents in their dotage.
I am relatively lucky, I am married, 2 teenagers, own my own home etc however we are financially very stretched. So for me I would say I am missing money...

Money.
I am missing money.

Therapy, lots of it. Choose an older person, 60s, they will have more life experience as well as clinical experience.

Learn to address the feelings that bother you, they are trying to tell you what to work on for yourself.

Talk therapy will help gently unlock that minefield for you.

In a simple paragraph, a professional who you click with and like and trust can help you cultivate a sense of self, who are YOU? what do YOU want?

The final step, gaining the confidence to assert, voice, and act on your wishes.

Nothing can be achieved without a sense of self.

Note, it’s okay to keep switching therapists until you find the one that feels right for you. You will know it is right when you begin to gain confidence.

I'm mid forties with teenagers. I find it's a bit like being in limbo. I'm not free from parenting but equally it's much less intensive than having small children. So you kind of don't have the freedom of childfree people but you equally don't have the all consuming type of parenting. Not sure if that makes much sense?!

It’s ambition that I’m missing. I don’t know how much was driven by the pandemic, but I’m not bothered about work really, my DC are more independent now, I’ve travelled a lot already. House is ok but I’m no longer interested in interiors, or nice clothes. I don’t think I’m depressed, but I can’t get enthusiastic about many things these days.

I've noticed myself and DH are taking better care of our mental health but it's taken getting to our 40s to realise this. So indeed therapy has always been missing. We lack time for ourselves and each other. The children take up much of our time. Definitely money is lacking. It's strange, there is a feeling of turmoil sometimes, as though we carry the world on our shoulders. Childhoods come back to haunt us a lot (both a little traumatized over particular things). If I could do anything it would be visit a spa and get some therapy.

To be honest, I am way older than that and I still don’t think that this is “it”.

But I would say is that after 40 I started stoped caring about a lot of superficial stuff, I cared less about what people think, make an impression, work and someway felt more free to do as I please BUT what I started missing was having what in Africa is called a “Red Tent”: a group of women to spend some time with regularly to talk, gossip, laugh and support each other.

Mind you, I have a lot of friends I meet with for coffees or to go out but, I miss the sense of “Belonging to a community”, and for that I need no therapy, counselling or commiseration, it is a perfectly normal human need, met mostly by the extended family, religious group or hobbyist groups in the past.

Money allows you to do what you want

So yeah, probably that

Time. Rest. Money.

This. I’m not even peri yet and 10 years older than mid forties and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Only work three days, dc local but not living at home, with interesting jobs and great support networks of their own. DH lovely and supportive now he doesn’t have the stress of feeding and housing five of us We have bandwidth and energy to socialise and travel, visit not yet needy parents etc.

In my 40s I had the opposite problem- too many demands of me from work, children, parents, husband, children’s schools, - all of it.

I look back and think now, nothing was missing other than downtime for myself.

Money and choices.

Its all very well finding yourself, but what i want to do is travel and i cant afford it.

Work life balance

• Too much noise (social media/Internet/phones)
• Lack of society/community
• Lack of money
• Reaching your prime age! Knowing it will decline
• Thinking of mortality

For me it's that I've stepped out of the 'young kids' phase of parenting, where I entirely forgot who I was, and am now sort of patting myself down and going 'who the fuck was I again, and who do I want to be next?'

It's a bit exhausting but I've found some new interests and hobbies that I really love. It's unsettled the husband though to be honest.

Sleep (proper sleep on our own with no wake up time)

A best friend you can spend at least a few hours on the phone with. Me and my 2BFs have literally dragged each other through life kicking and screaming.

Compassion- to ourselves, from others, and to others.

Good health - nutrition, exercise

Others to take responsibility and initiative, not after waiting for you to be a breaking point before they do.

Solitude

And yes as much money as possible!

52 next week and happier than I have ever been. I also have a small child (9) so I am not out of that bit. As someone said above, the difference for me has been a life coach. She has helped me find balance and make sure I make time for things that 'fill my bucket' rather than things that do not. I have embraced fashion, deepened friendships and found an exercise regime that I can stick to. Work is still a big priority in my life as I am the main earner in my household and it also fills my bucket but I no longer think about it 24-7. To some extent I have reclaimed myself; the rest is because I have found myself.

I think women often get to 40/50 and realise how much of their life they have devoted to looking after people for very little return.
And estrogen is running low which usually makes you suck it all up.

Time, I work 6 days a week and spend my day off washing, housework, shopping and preparing for the working week ahead.

I think at 40 you get clarity that most stuff is bullshit and the people earning lots of money often don’t know more than those on less, they’re just better at making shit up and pretending.

I'm late forties.

I had my kids early so they're off at uni now.

You do look around a bit and wonder - is this my life? Is this what I want my life to be?

I now live on my own with three cats. On balance I quite like my life.

I'm missing or needing money. More money would solve about 90% of my problems in life.

I am single and miss sex. I haven't had sex in over a year and this is the longest I have gone without sex in 25 years! But it needs to be decent not shit sex.

I'm kind of accepting of things at this point, in my mid 40s. I looked at a picture of myself when I was about 17 and remember how insecure and ugly I felt. Of course, I looked gorgeous.
I just think, be happy with what you've got now as it'll probably only get worse! Lol

I’m not sure anything is missing for me. I’ve got a husband I love, a job that’s ok for now as pays well and is very flexible, and a toddler that’s a whirlwind of fun and cuddles. We both share the household and financial responsibilities so I don’t feel like I’m particularly put upon, our jobs are relatively intense but manageable.

The main issue is where to move to as we are growing out of our house and have to start looking for places with good schools, and we are being very indecisive!!

No, I'm good, thanks. I'd happily add more holidays and a thinner waistline into the mix but I don't feel robbed of something essential.

If you are a sex realist (gender critical) then I highly recommend connecting with women in the movement. They are clever and funny and keep you on your toes!