“Friend” made me feel like shit today.

[Evangeliiine]

I know that no one can make you feel shit without your permission, and I know that her home truths come from a place of caring, but I’m so upset and don’t know how to get past this.

I am very overweight. BMI 40. I have a binge eating disorder, I’m a stress and comfort eater and care for my 2 disabled children so life is always stressful.
I have an unhappy marriage, but due to caring and not working I can’t leave, I don’t have the time or energy to get my non-existent ducks in a row. Other than my weight my health is fine - BP is fine, cholesterol fine, and I’m fit and active.

Both DD’s are at school, but I’m often called in to deal with something or to pick one up, or to have a meeting of some sort, so it’s difficult to have regular plans and time out.

Today we managed to meet up. We were friends in uni and have dc similar ages and try to get together every couple of months. She’s never been overweight. I’m not more overweight than I was the last time I saw her. I was overweight when we first met. We’re both in our mid 40s.

Today she started asking why I don’t lose weight. I tried to change the subject because it’s not a comfortable one to talk about.

She’s told me it’s very easy to lose weight, that I’m making poor choices, making excuses, and that I just have to decide to lose weight and it’s as simple as that.

On the face of it she’s right. I could eat 800 calories a day and I’d lose weight.

So why is it so fucking difficult?! If it was as easy as she made out no one would be overweight.

I have so many reasons to lose weight, but every time I do something I sabotage myself without even realising.

I’ve been to the gp to ask for help, but as I’m not diabetic and I’m otherwise healthy I don’t meet the criteria for help. I can’t afford ozempic. I don’t want surgery.

I feel utterly helpless and shit about myself at the best of times, but having this friend berating me for being fat/lazy/stupid, for asking really probing questions (“honestly how do you look at yourself in a mirror”) that I was too taken aback by to form a useful response to, for making out I am a burden on her because I’m too lazy to sort myself out (I have never asked her for support with the girls, I pull my weight in the friendship and make an effort) has really shocked me and I don’t know how to carry on with it. It was totally out of the blue.
I don’t know what to do.

Perhaps you could message her recommending the book ‘why we eat (too much)’ and suggesting she never bring it up again, that you will raise it if you want to.

It’s a good book that points out how powerful hunger hormones are, that no one would expect you to control your other hormonally driven impulses. Why is hunger different?

It frustrating. During Covid I had little else to do, and I successfully lost 5.5 stone, and am gradually regaining it all. I’m gutted. Losing the weight is only the start- being on a diet for the rest of your life is necessary to maintain a healthy weight.

I really do understand where you are.

Thank you. I haven’t read that book, it sounds good.

I also lost weight in lockdown, life was so much easier. It’s all gone back on and more though.

She sounds like a bitch to be honest. Someone like that is never going to let your self esteem get to point where you feel you want to tackle your weight.

You're fat, (so am I, no offense intended) not stupid and without feelings.

It doesn't sound like caring to me, it sounds like feeling superior and judging. Did she offer to help in any way at all? No? She can fuck off.

You have got a LOT to deal with in your life. Im infuriated for you.

I’m sorry OP. She is not a friend. I’m not overweight but I’d never bring up if someone was, it can be humiliating, hurtful and quite nasty for the person on the other end. Your life does sound incredibly stressful, food is a comfort. You do what’s best for you and when your ready and life stresses (hopefully) calms down a bit. There is no easy way for anyone to loose or gain weight who has issues around food. Id bin her off.

If losing weight was easy, why would such a huge proportion of the population be overweight or obese? Your friend doesn't sound very clever.

I wonder why she has chosen to focus on this issue now?
It seems as though she might be unhappy about something in her own life and is taking it out on you.

What on earth did you say in response to this unexpected critique?

I know I should spend less time on a screen.
I know I should take more exercise.
I know I should drink less.

I'm not overweight, and look like Im active, and am not an alcholic. So noone comments. But I am less healthy than many obese peopke - Ive a genetic condition, but also loathe exercise and love butter.

For your friend, having a healthy bmi is easy (it is for me, too). BUT, so what? It doesnt reflect her vitue or character or intelligence or even her health.

I get that you're hurt. But try to reframe it as she is a person who cares enough to try to encourage me.

I dont have any obese friends but I would CARE about them if they were my FRIEND. If they were an acquaintance, I'd say nothing, why bother.

Try to make a change that feels doable. Small steps.

I've been overweight for 10 years and I've tried countless times to lose it. Something clicked earlier this year and I finally lost 2 stone. I've no idea why I could do it now and not before. It was still the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe I'm lucky that I haven't been through many hard things in life so I can say that but my point is, it's so flipping hard and when someone who has never been overweight says it's easy, they can F off. They have NO idea. It's infuriating. Solidarity OP and I hope you're feeling okay.

Are you sure she's a good friend? Because she sounds like an absolute bitch to me. Sorry she's made you feel like this.

“honestly how do you look at yourself in a mirror” is not a question asked by a friend who is caring.

Theres no care or kindness or help in that whatsoever.

I would message her and say you very much hurt my feelings when we were out the other day. You were unnecessarily rude and I was shocked as I thought we were supposed to be friends and friends don’t talk like that to each other.
I would never make such negative personal remarks about you!
even if you thought you were being caring it didn’t come across that way, life is hard enough without my friends piling on me too.
I care for you and I really don’t want to fall out with you.
Don’t ever mention my weight again.

if she comes back at you with anything other than an apology for hurting your feelings then you drop her sharpish

there are ways to show concern or bring up hard things with a friend if you are worried about them and what you described is absolutely not it!
what you described was more akin to bully and “mean girl” behaviour (I don’t use that term but it’s hard to describe it another way!)

as for the weight you need therapy with a specialist to talk about the binge eating. It’s a recognised eating disorder now and you deserve support with it. Tell your gp the whole truth and ask for help with it and get yourselves on to https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ and hope you can get the ball rolling with some advice or at least be able to have a read and not feel alone with it!

in the mean time I’m sending you as much strength as possible to manage it and hope you manage to put even small things in place to get a handle on things.

It's really none of her business. She is out of line. I would blank her for a while. When she gets in touch tell her clearly that her comments were unkind.

I'm a healthy weight (just). It's f*ing hard. Anyone who berates you or knowingly makes you feel bad for not being lighter is not your friend.

A friend is someone who understands you and supports you regardless. Someone who always makes you feel better about yourself and more optimistic. Unless this person was just having a very very bad day and taking it out on you, then I'd say she is not a real friend.

You can lose 8-9 stone immediately by ditching this “friend”.
Work on losing weight if you want to @Evangeliiine but don’t let her dictate your life. Until she’s walked in your shoes, she doesn’t get to judge.

Friends accept you for who you are, weight shouldn't even come into it. Sorry she made you feel like that 🥺 xx

I wouldn’t comment on someone else’s weight even if they wanted me to. She sounds like a bitch. Your weight is nothing at all to do with her.

Oh dear OP I had to comment. I am overweight but wouldn't say obese, although technically I am into that BMI category. I cannot begin to describe how this has dominated my life and how I try and fail every day and how incredibly complex it is. Life has been good to me which is how I maintain a size 16 but I am always at the cusp of serious obesity. If I had your problems I know it would be.

I have a family member who is very obese and over the past few years everyone is worrying about her. Eventually another family member tried to talk to her, out of genuine concern but the heavier one became so defensive and hostile and the other ended up blurting out some stupid insensitive comments. The two nearly fell out permanently over it and it cannot be mentioned again. I have been asked repeatedly to approach this person to encourage them to lose weight, by two different family members. Although they don't say it I know they think 'but you are fat too, she won't mind hearing it from you'. I try to bring it up about myself saying how I am trying to do this or I just read that book etc and obese family member shuts me down constantly so I've given up. I guess what I'm trying to say is it may have come from a good place and come out very badly. You do have an issue but it's virtually impossible in your position to do it alone so you need help not criticism. However please don't assume every mention of it is aimed to criticise, and please do try to get some help. I feel you could be my family member posting.

Sorry but she's no friend. Comments on your weight are not helpful. You have an eating disorder. You are clearly under a lot of stress and are unhappy right now which is why it's so difficult for you to do anything about your weight. She should be supporting your mental health. With so much information about diet and exercise at our fingertips, of course we all know how to do it! But it isn't that easy or we would all be skinny. It's very difficult to concentrate on taking care of yourself when you are taking care of everybody else. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better x

It can be frustrating to watch someone you love not reach their full potential. She probably thinks you’d be happier if you lost weight and that frustration has just boiled over after all these years.

I love my mum but she is overweight and I’d love her to lose weight, I think she’d be happier and her life would improve in small ways. Conversely, my mum would love me to complete a course and get a lucrative career. Sometimes we voice these concerns in small ways but it does sound as if your friend was a bit frank!

No idea. It was out of the blue. I’m over twenty years of friendship it hasn’t come up, when it could have in all that time.

She hasn’t mentioned anything going on, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything bothering her.

I didn’t really say anything. I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t defensive.

Thank you for all the lovely replies.

I’m still clinging on to her coming from a misjudged caring angle. I keep picking it all apart.

I fully understand the concern, but surely there are so many more constructive ways to go about it.

I don't have any productive advice OP, but I'm sorry that your friend has made you feel this way. It sounds like you have a very difficult life and are getting by as best you can.

Losing weight is a difficult task for anyone, let alone those with caring responsibilities. Your friend was very insensitive in how she approached this.

As a side note, at whatever point you are in a position to think about weight loss, I found some helpful advice on the weight loss board.

You are doing a brilliant job looking after your children in tricky circumstances so please don't lose sight of this massive achievement.