“Friend” made me feel like shit today.

[Evangeliiine]

I know that no one can make you feel shit without your permission, and I know that her home truths come from a place of caring, but I’m so upset and don’t know how to get past this.

I am very overweight. BMI 40. I have a binge eating disorder, I’m a stress and comfort eater and care for my 2 disabled children so life is always stressful.
I have an unhappy marriage, but due to caring and not working I can’t leave, I don’t have the time or energy to get my non-existent ducks in a row. Other than my weight my health is fine - BP is fine, cholesterol fine, and I’m fit and active.

Both DD’s are at school, but I’m often called in to deal with something or to pick one up, or to have a meeting of some sort, so it’s difficult to have regular plans and time out.

Today we managed to meet up. We were friends in uni and have dc similar ages and try to get together every couple of months. She’s never been overweight. I’m not more overweight than I was the last time I saw her. I was overweight when we first met. We’re both in our mid 40s.

Today she started asking why I don’t lose weight. I tried to change the subject because it’s not a comfortable one to talk about.

She’s told me it’s very easy to lose weight, that I’m making poor choices, making excuses, and that I just have to decide to lose weight and it’s as simple as that.

On the face of it she’s right. I could eat 800 calories a day and I’d lose weight.

So why is it so fucking difficult?! If it was as easy as she made out no one would be overweight.

I have so many reasons to lose weight, but every time I do something I sabotage myself without even realising.

I’ve been to the gp to ask for help, but as I’m not diabetic and I’m otherwise healthy I don’t meet the criteria for help. I can’t afford ozempic. I don’t want surgery.

I feel utterly helpless and shit about myself at the best of times, but having this friend berating me for being fat/lazy/stupid, for asking really probing questions (“honestly how do you look at yourself in a mirror”) that I was too taken aback by to form a useful response to, for making out I am a burden on her because I’m too lazy to sort myself out (I have never asked her for support with the girls, I pull my weight in the friendship and make an effort) has really shocked me and I don’t know how to carry on with it. It was totally out of the blue.
I don’t know what to do.

She's putting you down to make herself feel better. She's not a true friend.

There is no way I'd bring up weight with a friend. I'd happily listen if they wanted to talk about it, go on walks or fitness activities if they wanted, anything like that, but the ball would always be in their court.
People aren't daft, they know what weight they are, most people know what they need to do in theory to lose it, it just isn't as simple as that. Unlike booze one can't give up food for good, one has to confront it somehow day in and day out.

OP I'm another surprised you're hurt and shocked, that was cruel of her.

Your friend is a negging bitch.

I think I would’ve got up and left 😞

Do you complain about your weight to her often? If so she may of reacted to the constant chatter and what she feels is no effort on your part…maybe she listened with no comments previously and this time tryed a different appproach…

Sounds like she wanted to feel better about herself by bringing you down.

I had a friend who would make subtle comments about my weight ( I was about a half a stone overweight then) . But despite being very slim I know she had insecurities triggered by her boyfriend not finding her attractive anymore and cheating with multiple women as well as making negative remarks on her body! A few months later I made the decision to end that ten year friendship. I’m no-ones emotional punch bag!

OP this is no friend. Her comments are nasty.

Hi, life gets in the way. You are amazing and doing so well fir your kids. Never forget that.
I beat myself up too about the mum tum. Was doing research online on diets etc (trying to find the next crash diet) and came across this guy (https://www.facebook.com/bencarpenterpersonaltraining) made me think better of myself. Listen to some of his stuff. Ie exercise is easy if you don't have caring responsibilities, reasons for bringe eating. Was helpful. And showed how ignorant society can be

She is NOT your friend. What a nasty thing to do/say.

You don't lose weight by eating 800 calories a day. Thats not sustainable and could be dowbright dangerous... or by hating yourself or allowing yourself to be shamed.
If you do actually want to lose weight just make small changes you can easily stick to long term. Binge eating is really hard to deal with and it sounds like your life is quite stressful. Feeling shit about yourself isn't going to help. I'm sorry your friend can't understand that.
Some people who have never struggled with their weight will just never understand how difficult it is.
And binge eating can be a proper eating disorder that can be made much worse by shame and over restricting what you eat. It's a binge purge cycle
Just focus on being healthy and happy.. don't restrict food intake just try to be mindful whilst you are eating. Eat when you are hungry. Allowing yourself to get too hungry can lead to binging.
Your friend was very wrong in the things she said. The focus shouldn't be on your weight but on trying to make slightly healthier choices and recovering from binge eating.

The way she went about it was horrible and she really shouldn't have said it.

It is very painful to watch people you love dearly destroy themselves.

Does this purported friend think you can only be happy if you’re thin? If you’re rich? If you live in the right house in the right neighborhood in the right city?
Does she think you can be happy if you drive the right car and wear the right clothes and eat at the right restaurants and be seen with the right people?
Your purported friend sucks hind tit, @Evangeliiine.

Does she have SEN kids and know just how fucking trapped you are right now? I would let her know exactly how “fulfilling” your life is, and ask her what her suggestions are for sorting that out. I would also point out that nobody is more aware of their weight than the overweight person themself. Nobody knows more about diet than overweight people either. Let her know her advice was unsolicited, unhelpful and hurtful, making an event you had been really looking forward to a painful, humiliating experience.

The saying with friends like these who needs enemies comes to mind. I am so sorry you had to put up with this, you were obviously totally unprepared and this is really, really hurtful.
I don't think this person is a friend and she is certainly not the sort of person I would want in my life, I would cut contact

There are, she doesn't deserve you as a friend.

What a shame @Evangeliiine , that must have really hurt.

My DH is obese, and it's astonishing to me how people (his family) think it's ok to point this out to him. Do they honestly think he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks "Bloody hell I'm far too thin!"?

And that's without any of the issues that you have - I'm really shocked that your friend, knowing what she must know of your circumstances, felt that that was acceptable.

Hmm. I don't forgive easily I'm afraid, so if she were my friend she'd get one more chance, but any more remarks like that would get a pretty swift retort. You'll be prepared for it now!

DH said to his brother "Remember when I asked for your opinion on my weight?" BIL looked a bit confused and said "Emmmmm, no" DH replied "Exactly! So keep your bloody remarks to yourself!"

All the best to you @Evangeliiine , and I hope you're able to carve out little moments of peace and happiness for yourself at some point during each day.

My goodness what an absolute bitch. This is no friend. It would be enough for me to remove her from my life. There's simply no way to excuse what she did.

Sending hugs and solidarity 😻💜

Oh my goodness, of course that hurts terribly. There is no need to “reframe” it, as someone suggested.
it is hurtful, and uncaring, and rude.
validate your feelings- there is no need to make excuses for someone who says things like that.
ok, maybe you’re overweight. That is no one else’s business but yours! This is coming from someone who weighs the most I’ve ever weighed in my life.
taking the shame out of it, close your eyes, and pretend you’d never been able to see, and you’d never seen any sort of ad to tell you any ideals about bodies.
touch your body all over with curiosity.
is it strong? Is it soft? Do you feel good about it from the inside, if you don’t have all these loaded perceptions?

even if you still don’t like it, it is YOUR body and not her damned business to school you about.

your relationship with food is yours to work on. It’s absolutely no one else’s business.

wishing you health and happiness and strength and self love, OP. People can really be idiots sometimes.

She probably was coming from a caring angle. But also completely disregarding the struggles you face.

I'd possibly leave it you don't owe her an explanation. If she brings it up again I'd be clear you don't want to discuss it.

Would counselling help? Is there a carers centre near you that can offer support?

Why are so many people siding with the friend?? Actually I know why, it's because we're an extremely fat phobic society.

It obviously wasn't from a caring place with comments like "how can you look at yourself in the mirror."

OP, it's awful but I think I would be tempted to just never speak to her again.

I had already said upthread she was negging , but actually missed that line about “how can you look in the mirror” . That makes it even worse.

Okay I’d ditch that friend after telling her how out of order she was and I’d keep it short and sweet. “ I’m really disappointed you would say something so unpleasant and vicious. That really upset me, how did you think telling me that would improve my health or how I feel or the will to lose weight? Words matter and yours were extremely hurtful. I can’t continue with this friendship any more as it’s clear you view me with disdain and have zero respect for me. Goodbye. “

And yeah it’s absurd to say she had good intentions.

I think that not everyone thinks that weight is a completely taboo subject to talk about. At a bmi of 40 you have now entered the morbidly obese range and that is bound to have some very worrying long term effects on your body and could potentially shorten your life significantly. If somebody I cared about reached that level of obesity I too would be very concerned. I don’t really see it differently to any other addiction problem. So if I had a friend who had suddenly dropped to a bmi of 16 I wouldn’t be able to just sit by and watch them starve themselves to death. Or if I had a friend who drank 2 bottles of wine a night I wouldn’t just ignore it and carry on with my life.

Her comments were blunt, and the one about looking in the mirror unnecessarily harsh, but you have been friends for a really long time and she’s worried about you.

20 years or not, it would have ended right there, right then for me at the Mirror comment.
How dare she? 😡

OP, you sound so lovely.
She doesn't deserve you.

Bitch.

that I was too taken aback by to form a useful response to, for making out I am a burden on her because I’m too lazy to sort myself out

She told you you are a burden to HER?!? 😱😱😱
Im sorry @Evangeliiine but she REALLY isn’t a friend. A comment like that simply can’t be misguided care. It really can’t.

@RoachFish she wasn't just blunt.

Anyone would know that weight is a complex issue that is not just about eating well and exercising. Anyone who thinks like that is naive at the very least but more likely stupid.
The OP has an eating disorder and extremely stressful life. Stress increases cortisol and adrenaline which then makes you put weight on (because adrenaline releases sugar in the blood to run away, which the person obviously doesn’t need so it ends up stored as fat).
Just that is enough to know that just eating better wouldn’t cut it.

And that’s on the top of the fact that insulting people (see the mirror comment or the fact the OP is a burden on her!) has never helped people get over whatever addiction they have.
Insinuating those comments were ‘just being blunt’ when they were extremely rude (and misplaced anyway) doesn’t look good. Not on the friend and not on you either.