“Friend” made me feel like shit today.

[Evangeliiine]

I know that no one can make you feel shit without your permission, and I know that her home truths come from a place of caring, but I’m so upset and don’t know how to get past this.

I am very overweight. BMI 40. I have a binge eating disorder, I’m a stress and comfort eater and care for my 2 disabled children so life is always stressful.
I have an unhappy marriage, but due to caring and not working I can’t leave, I don’t have the time or energy to get my non-existent ducks in a row. Other than my weight my health is fine - BP is fine, cholesterol fine, and I’m fit and active.

Both DD’s are at school, but I’m often called in to deal with something or to pick one up, or to have a meeting of some sort, so it’s difficult to have regular plans and time out.

Today we managed to meet up. We were friends in uni and have dc similar ages and try to get together every couple of months. She’s never been overweight. I’m not more overweight than I was the last time I saw her. I was overweight when we first met. We’re both in our mid 40s.

Today she started asking why I don’t lose weight. I tried to change the subject because it’s not a comfortable one to talk about.

She’s told me it’s very easy to lose weight, that I’m making poor choices, making excuses, and that I just have to decide to lose weight and it’s as simple as that.

On the face of it she’s right. I could eat 800 calories a day and I’d lose weight.

So why is it so fucking difficult?! If it was as easy as she made out no one would be overweight.

I have so many reasons to lose weight, but every time I do something I sabotage myself without even realising.

I’ve been to the gp to ask for help, but as I’m not diabetic and I’m otherwise healthy I don’t meet the criteria for help. I can’t afford ozempic. I don’t want surgery.

I feel utterly helpless and shit about myself at the best of times, but having this friend berating me for being fat/lazy/stupid, for asking really probing questions (“honestly how do you look at yourself in a mirror”) that I was too taken aback by to form a useful response to, for making out I am a burden on her because I’m too lazy to sort myself out (I have never asked her for support with the girls, I pull my weight in the friendship and make an effort) has really shocked me and I don’t know how to carry on with it. It was totally out of the blue.
I don’t know what to do.

I’m a similar weight and life situation to you, and I’d drop this ‘friend’ immediately. And tell her why.

Have you read ‘Overcoming Binge Eating’ by Christopher Fairburn? I think we need to address the bingeing before weight loss can become a goal.

@DullFanFiction All I said was that she was blunt and unnecessarily harsh but that it’s coming from a place of worry and concern. I didn’t say she approached it the correct way or in a way I would have approached it. I think when you see that level of self-harming in someone you love it’s hard to remain seemingly unbothered. It doesn’t mean that she (or I as you seem to be insinuating) is stupid. As you said it’s a very complex issue and she hasn’t claimed to be OPs therapist.

I think my point is also that people treat people who overeat very differently to people who under-eat. It’s rude to tell somebody who overeats that you are concerned about their size but if you do the same to someone who is under-eat it’s coming from a place of concern.

She is not a friend. I can understand that if you were having health issues due to your weight that a friend may want to gently support you ( not berate you) to lose weight.
Fat does NOT equate to lazy or stupid. How dare she say how do you look at yourself in the mirror!! I’ve met many very beautiful women who are carrying weight in the same way as there are many slim women who are not beautiful. Does she comment on other people’s physical attributes in a negative way?

It sounds like you are managing an extremely difficult family life and you should be so proud of what a great mum you are. It’s likely that you are using food as a coping strategy and it may make it easier to cut down calories if you find another strategy that helps relieve stress. For me - I love putting on headphones and losing myself in a podcast or a chapter of an audio book. It’s very hard to think of anything else when you’re actively listening and if you can get some time in the fresh air - like going for a walk while you do so then even better. Small enjoyable habits can slowly replace the comfort eating.
I wish you well and honestly cut that nasty bitch out of your life.