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Original poster

Going away without DC - what age?

84 replies

Haveli · 13/06/2024 11:29

It's our 5 year wedding anniversary this year and we are considering a city break just the 2 of us. However we have DD (almost 3) who has only ever spent 1 day/night away from us both at a time so not sure if it's too soon to leave her with Grandma for a few days?

My mum is super keen, and we are looking at midweek so she will keep her nursery routine but just have evenings and nights with Grandma for 3 days.

Is 3 too young to do this? DH goes away with work all the time so he thinks it's fine but not sure if I'm just feeling mum guilt or if it's really fine! DH and I don't get to spend much time just the two of us so it would be really nice for us.

What age were your DC when you both first left them for a few days?

OP posts:
Delatron · 18/06/2024 16:20

PuttingDownRoots · 18/06/2024 16:18

@Grah did you let themgo on school residential, Scout camps etc? Or just a sleepover with friends?

Doesn’t sound like it if she ‘can’t bear to be away from them for even one night’ . poor kids….

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:40

PuttingDownRoots · 18/06/2024 16:18

@Grah did you let themgo on school residential, Scout camps etc? Or just a sleepover with friends?

Yes, that's them going away while me and husband are at home with their sibling. There is a huge difference between a child going on a residential and both parents going off on a break without them. The point I am trying to make is that if I go on holiday my kids come with me, it isn't enjoyable otherwise. I didn't have kids to go off and leave them to have a break/time with my husband etc. I don't need/don't want a break from them. It seems to be all the younger Mums I know that are desperate to get away from their kids. As an older Mum, I had my holidays with my friends/husband when I was younger. When I decided to have kids, they then become my world, my focus and I don’t want to dump them so I can go off by myself. I don't understand that mentality. Sorry for being old-school and a Mum whose main focus in life is her kids.
OP asked for our opinion. This is mine. 🤷‍♀️

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:45

Delatron · 18/06/2024 16:20

Doesn’t sound like it if she ‘can’t bear to be away from them for even one night’ . poor kids….

Show quote history

Read my reply. Them going away is totally different from Mum and Dad going on holiday without them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PuttingDownRoots · 18/06/2024 17:14

But going away to grandparents is also fun. That's the nail reason why ours go... they enjoy it. A lot of the time we are doing boring things like working, or moving house.

Delatron · 18/06/2024 17:22

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:45

Read my reply. Them going away is totally different from Mum and Dad going on holiday without them.

Show quote history

Why is it different? I thought you couldn’t bear to be apart from them for one day? What if parents are going on a holiday unsuitable for kids. Kids are happy with grandparents.

You can’t pick and choose. So sleepover at friends fine but grandparents no? And parents must not go out and attempt to have fun as that’s not fair on the poor kids. The kids won’t even know or care.

What if the kids have plenty of holidays with their parents? Nobody is missing out in that situation.

ColonelRhubarbBikini · 18/06/2024 17:54

I can’t bear the ‘I couldn’t enjoy myself if I was away from my children’ mentality. Being a mother is a very very important part of who I am which is why I devote myself to it 99.99% of the time. It’s not the only thing I am though. I’m a wife and a friend and a sister and a daughter etc etc. Sometimes it’s perfectly ok not to be Mum for a short while especially when your child is left with a trusted adult who loves them deeply.

Parker231 · 18/06/2024 18:13

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:40

Yes, that's them going away while me and husband are at home with their sibling. There is a huge difference between a child going on a residential and both parents going off on a break without them. The point I am trying to make is that if I go on holiday my kids come with me, it isn't enjoyable otherwise. I didn't have kids to go off and leave them to have a break/time with my husband etc. I don't need/don't want a break from them. It seems to be all the younger Mums I know that are desperate to get away from their kids. As an older Mum, I had my holidays with my friends/husband when I was younger. When I decided to have kids, they then become my world, my focus and I don’t want to dump them so I can go off by myself. I don't understand that mentality. Sorry for being old-school and a Mum whose main focus in life is her kids.
OP asked for our opinion. This is mine. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

My DT’s are my greatest achievement but I didn’t dump them with anyone in order to have a break with DH - this was in addition to family holidays. Much loved grandparents flew over so they could spend quality time with their grandchildren whilst we were away. A positive experience for everyone.

Echobelly · 18/06/2024 18:20

I think we first went away for a few nights when oldest was about 2, then when they were about 1 and 4 they were either with my parents or split the nights between my parents and ILs. Three isn't too young for you to go away, especially if they can be with family.

Harry12345 · 18/06/2024 19:29

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:40

Yes, that's them going away while me and husband are at home with their sibling. There is a huge difference between a child going on a residential and both parents going off on a break without them. The point I am trying to make is that if I go on holiday my kids come with me, it isn't enjoyable otherwise. I didn't have kids to go off and leave them to have a break/time with my husband etc. I don't need/don't want a break from them. It seems to be all the younger Mums I know that are desperate to get away from their kids. As an older Mum, I had my holidays with my friends/husband when I was younger. When I decided to have kids, they then become my world, my focus and I don’t want to dump them so I can go off by myself. I don't understand that mentality. Sorry for being old-school and a Mum whose main focus in life is her kids.
OP asked for our opinion. This is mine. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Ah I get it now, you’re an older mum! That suits you but I was a young mum and had no time to myself, my children are my life but I can spend 2 days away from them a year and still function, you sound like you’ll struggle when they leave home, judging others because they don’t live the way you do is very small minded, I hope you don’t pass that onto your little darlings

BogRollBOGOF · 18/06/2024 20:30

I spent nights away from mine from 1. With DS there was a chance to spend a night away when he was about 18m, and when I had DS2 about 10m later, it was good knowing that it wasn't the first time he'd spent away from us.

More usually it's one of us away at a time and the other with the DCs or they're away with Scouts/ school trips as we don't have convenient family. They're also older and a less pliable age.

The last time I was away with just DH for a weekend is nearly 14 years ago due to lack of opportunities and our last time home alone for a weekend was 5 years ago. That doesn't deserve medals and actually, it's not great that we don't get much space to be a couple together.

If all goes well both DCs will fly the nest and we will need to be complete people in their absence. There's also a possiblility that DS1 might not, so wasting chances to be ourselves free from parental responsibility is wasting precious opportunities. I've had very high avaliability to my DCs, haven't had childcare for many years and haven't had babysitters for chunks of years, so any rare chance to have a break from parenting is appreciated.

I'm noticing in my youth groups that it's becoming less rare for children to have never left their parents before the junior school years, and that's no great thing. It's important for children to have (well placed) trust in people beyond their parents and a sense of self-sufficiency. Experience of staying with family etc is good for confidence and means that being away isn't a big deal.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 18/06/2024 22:30

I had a work trip when DS was 16 months, DH works shifts that don’t work with nursery hours so DS stayed with my parents for the week. He loved it!

Charlierae · 18/06/2024 23:16

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:00

It's not new. My parents didn't leave me to go off on holidays, nor did their parents. In fact the whole family went away, grandparents as well.
"It's a break" you say. Yeah, a break from her kid. I don't need and don't want a 'break' away from my kids. We are a unit and we do things together. As I said before, I wouldn't enjoy being away from them as I'd miss them too much. And if you think I'm a 'martyr' for wamting to be with my kids you must have and know some insufferable kids!!!
Perhaps that's why all my critics on here want to leave their kids? Are they all little brats? 🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

I think it’s up to you to choose whether you leave your children- but it doesn’t make people bad parents because they may choose to leave theirs.

What about people who are separated and have to send their children to the other parent? Should they sit and mope, or fill their time with something more enjoyable? Or if you’re invited to a child free wedding, a hen do? Do you insist that the kids come or you don’t go? Or having to go away for work? Then what? Why is having a romantic weekend together such and awful thing either? It isn’t.

I think your suggestion that parents can and should only have time away with their children is wrong and misguided. It isn’t about children being awful or not wanting to be with them- it’s about having variety and opportunities- for them and for you! Keeping them at home and not letting them be away with grandparents, or anyone else, doesn’t set them up for life- unless you want them living at home at 42?! Then maybe that’s your choice.

AgileMentor · 19/06/2024 07:36

we went to Rome in February without the kids (5&3) I had horrendous guilt but they actually had the best time. Their auntie took them to maccies nail salon and the arcade and they were at school and nursery for most of the day anyway (we went for 3 nights) and they had nanny and their auntie who they see every weekend anyway due to our work schedules so they were with familiar people. Was the first time I’ve left my youngest and my eldest has only ever been away with nanny.

CurbsideProphet · 19/06/2024 07:54

We wouldn't leave our 20 month old overnight. He wants mummy at bedtime at that's fine as he's little. However this thread has shown every child and every family is individual, so all that matters is what you feel comfortable doing 😊

Koko83 · 19/06/2024 07:56

Go for it. And that’s great grandma is looking forward to it. They might both have a great time and you and DH can have a little break every year :)

RampantKrampus · 19/06/2024 08:02

We left almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old DCs with GPs to go away for 3 nights (in the UK so technically we could have been home in a few hours). I was hoping youngest might forget about breastfeeding but annoyingly it took us going to Amsterdam for 3 nights just before she was 3 to finally break the habit 😂

ilikecatsandponies · 19/06/2024 08:02

My parents left us with my grandparents and the consequence is I now have a really close relationship with my grandparents as well as my parents.
I have never left my kids with my parents overnight but that's because my parents are older than my grandparents were, have more commitments and generally aren't up for it.
Your parents obviously did a great job with you and you trust them. Enjoy your trip.

Clearinguptheclutter · 19/06/2024 08:05

Your dd will be absolutely fine

we grabbed a cheeky weekend (3 nights) in Barcelona when ds1 was 18 months

it gets trickier if you have more children as some grandparents can’t cope with more than one at a time

def go

Whyamiherenow · 20/06/2024 06:06

It is great that children get to spend time with grandparents. Gives them a whole new dimension on life. My DS turned two mid June this year (very much loved and wanted, waited a long time to be able to have him). My mum asked Monday this week if she could have him overnight on Tuesday to go to a train something or other. Totally fine with me. Picked him up last night and he had had a ball. They also had him last Friday so we could go to a concert and on Tuesday the week before he stayed overnight with his other grandma so we could go to a concert. They regularly have him for several overnights together.

My brother lives in France and my parents house sit for him when he goes away on holiday for a month each year. DS doesn’t go to nursery and is cared for by both sets of grandparents when we work (3 days per week between grandparents). So in the middle of my parents stay we will fly out for a long weekend and leave him with them for just under two weeks and they will fly him home thereafter. He will have a great time. Swimming every day in my brothers pool, visiting French things etc. hopefully learning some French and playing with my brother-in-law’s nephew who is a similar age.

I am 100% sure that someone on here will try to shame me for abandoning my child but my child and my choice. Spending time with grandparents and having life enriching experiences is great for children.

There will always be people who disagree with how you choose to parent. But by the sounds of it your child likes to spend time with grandparents, they like having your child. A few days is a short amount of time and it will be totally fine. It is important to celebrate your relationship milestones and to spend time together as a couple. It is hard to maintain a relationship with a small child present. Go away and enjoy yourself!

mrsbirdie · 20/06/2024 07:33

Left our 3 year old with grandparents for a long weekend to attend a wedding. Everyone was shocked it was my first time away from him, so I definitely don’t think that it’s too young if you feel happy with it.
He was with grandparents he regularly sees and is often with for the day, he (and they!) had a whale of a time.

katyb84 · 25/06/2024 20:41

Grah · 18/06/2024 16:00

It's not new. My parents didn't leave me to go off on holidays, nor did their parents. In fact the whole family went away, grandparents as well.
"It's a break" you say. Yeah, a break from her kid. I don't need and don't want a 'break' away from my kids. We are a unit and we do things together. As I said before, I wouldn't enjoy being away from them as I'd miss them too much. And if you think I'm a 'martyr' for wamting to be with my kids you must have and know some insufferable kids!!!
Perhaps that's why all my critics on here want to leave their kids? Are they all little brats? 🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

I don’t think they’re calling you a martyr for the reason you stated , I think it’s because you have berated all these parents in the quest for your opinion to be the right one , it doesn’t make you mother of the year being so suffocating by the way and it doesn’t make these other parent wrong for wanting a break , what makes you wrong is berating other parents and their kids just so you can be right

Alizzle · 25/06/2024 20:55

Haveli · 13/06/2024 11:29

It's our 5 year wedding anniversary this year and we are considering a city break just the 2 of us. However we have DD (almost 3) who has only ever spent 1 day/night away from us both at a time so not sure if it's too soon to leave her with Grandma for a few days?

My mum is super keen, and we are looking at midweek so she will keep her nursery routine but just have evenings and nights with Grandma for 3 days.

Is 3 too young to do this? DH goes away with work all the time so he thinks it's fine but not sure if I'm just feeling mum guilt or if it's really fine! DH and I don't get to spend much time just the two of us so it would be really nice for us.

What age were your DC when you both first left them for a few days?

It's easier the younger they are. We went away when our son was 3 or younger but now he's 11 he'd be proper narked.

Grah · 25/06/2024 21:02

katyb84 · 25/06/2024 20:41

I don’t think they’re calling you a martyr for the reason you stated , I think it’s because you have berated all these parents in the quest for your opinion to be the right one , it doesn’t make you mother of the year being so suffocating by the way and it doesn’t make these other parent wrong for wanting a break , what makes you wrong is berating other parents and their kids just so you can be right

Show quote history

🤷‍♀️meh

BoswellTheScribe · 25/06/2024 21:09

We’ve never left them because we have no one to look after them while we’re away!
They’re now aged 15 and 11 so I don’t think it will ever happen!!

lightsandtunnels · 25/06/2024 21:20

I have my DGD overnight and she's 6 months. I'm also having her for 2 weeks in August when her parents (my DD and SIL go away). I think it's important for them to have time away together, as they both work full time and hardly see each other as it is. I'm very happy to be in a position to help them and of course having my DGD for 2 weeks will be wonderful!

Have a fab time OP!