What age did you let girlfriends or boyfriends stay over ?

[Teendreams]

DS has just asked if his not quite girlfriend (they're talking/ seeing each other ) can stay tonight. Do I assume she stays with him in his double or he gives his bed up and he has an air bed ? I'm not ready for this scenario yet. All experience and learnings from those who've been there, please help!!

Established relationships only share rooms, and not the first time they visit. If they are polite and respectful they get invited back. Definitely not hook ups, situationships, casual relationships. If they want to shag around they get their own place to live.

Just say no, there is no reason to have her sleep over.

None of mine had anyone sleepover, we are a ND house though and 3/5 of us find it difficult having people in the house at all, let alone sleeping over!

They’re 17 of course they’ve had sex.

You don't know that.

I think it’s a fairly safe assumption. My mum knew when l was having sex. It was around the time of my 15th birthday (40s now, so no judgey comments please), my hormones were bubbling. Mum was cross when she first found out, not that l was having sex, but that l hadn’t confided in her.l

We let our 18 year old have her boyfriend over. He’s stayed with her in her student accommodation away from us, I figure she’s an adult now. She’s not home that often though. We did allow at 17 but one had to sleep on the pull out sofa and no closed doors and surprise visits from us at anytime in the night to keep them on their toes 🤣🤣 My youngest I probably won’t have to worry for a very long time. She doesn’t like people 🤣 just broke up with her boyfriend (I’m sad I thought he was fantastic!) but she doesn’t like people being around her a lot.

Mine was closed to 18 years old when he asked if his girlfriend could stay the night, I said yes because my reasoning was that saying no would not mean that they won't have sex anyway. They are still together after 4 years, she is nice girl.

”…she is a nice girl”. I think this sums it up nicely. Rather than an age issue, you are opening up your home to someone new as well. So a lot depends on whether you like the person.

Each to their own and whatever you feel comfortable with is right for you and your dc.

On the studies point, I worry because women do release oxytocin when they sleep with a man causing them to fall in love and ime it can be very distracting and overwhelming, especially for a young teen, and that is aside from the risks of pregnancy and stds. I’ve seen it happen in extended family. But it also depends on the individual personality, and self confidence of the girl too.

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And to make more general points:

In addition to oxytocin, sex creates a lot of emotion to deal with in teen girls whose confidence and emotions are often all over the place anyway.

And it’s a lot of pressure for young teen girls to deal with the expectations of sexual intimacy at such a young age when they may not yet have the self esteem to put in boundaries that they are comfortable with and they say “yes” when they mean “no”.

Even the nicest, politest boys from good homes can create unwanted pressure “in the moment”.

Also, many boys nowadays from “naice” homes are learning about sex from You Tube and porn.

Call me sexist but the stakes just aren’t as high for young lads so maybe I would feel differently if I had boys?

But these are my personal reasons for not encouraging or supporting sex below the age of college or uni years, by which time, hopefully, teens are more equipped to look after themselves and have more self confidence to instigate boundaries if they need to.

Until then, I am happy to be unpopular and be called a prude (which I am not) and create some of those boundaries on their behalf. Hopefully they will thank me later.

I was 16/17 but working full time and I moved out at 17.

My dd asked me the same question, asked when she was 17 could she have a boy stay over. I said no, don't know why and it's double standards for what I did at her ages but it feels too young .

My son is 17 and his girlfriend is 18 - same year group but she’s a few months older. She has been staying over for the last 12 months. He also stays at hers.

It is not my place to monitor his relationship and decide if it is serious enough. We are very open and he talks to me about things so I know they are safe.

She is a lovely girl and she has become part of the family (they have been together for 4 years). Her parents say the same about my son.

my husband and I got together at 14 and still together 30 years later. My parents were strict and there was so much sneaking around it was awful. I resent my parents for not being adults I could talk to because all they cared about was rules. When I was 18 and tried to talk to my mum about contraception she tried to ground me. I was living in my own home by then!

God this thread is peak MN. I just knew before I clicked on it that people would say “30” and “Never” 🤣 imagine being say 80 and your child is 50, they have a husband and 3 kids together imagine telling them their partner can’t stay over.

I just think these kind of people are at higher risk of 2 things

1. Teenage pregnancy. If you take such a strict and pious approach they aren’t gonna sigh and say “Oh well” they’re gonna have sex elsewhere , probably be uneducated/unprotected and will definitely not tell you about it
2. Your kids will not come to you for Christmas dinner as adults

When DD was 18. As long as she and her then bf were discreet then I had no issue with it.

I have a friend who is late 20’s and has a boyfriend of 10 years, lived together 8 years. They aren’t married and probably won’t get married ever because they want to be able to buy a property and they can’t afford both a wedding and a house. Her parents make them stay in separate rooms and I just think it’s so illogical! I don’t think her parents are deluded enough to think they’re virgins, they probably know they’d rather die than have sex in their house too. The whole point is loudly stating “We are being judgmental because of your marital situation, or lack thereof”. I could just never be so shitty to an adult child.

I’m also a bit dubious about telling your teenage children they have to be in a serious relationship before sleepover happen. Surely the message is “You’re probably too young for a serious relationship”. Teen relationships are usually new, immature and full of inexperience and can get very intense very quickly, I wouldn’t wanna encourage that or hold a privilege hostage until the relationship reached that stage

If they don’t go to Uni do they never get to have a partner sleep over?

First boyfriend (16-18) wasn’t allowed to stay- this was a mutual agreement as his parents didn’t allow it either. Second boyfriend (19-20) wasn’t either, even though I’d moved out to uni because my mum thought he was a dick. And she was right.

Boyfriend after that was allowed no problem.

16
They been together about a year then.
Still together over 5 years later.

Def no randomers whatever age.

I’m talking about what we feel is the right decision for our individual family. And our dc are currently at uni. You do yours!

You can get married very inexpensively if you want to!

Problem is when you have religious families getting married for £400 cheapy registry office do causes more problems than not getting hitched!
This is why me and DH just did a flit and saved the drama!

Just as a general point, the problem with being strict or restrictive in these matters is there's a fair chance the other set of parents will be much more relaxed (Mumsnet seemingly being on the conservative side compared to families I know). Resulting in your offspring spending all their time at their bf or gf's house.

Ds and his girlfriend have been together for over a year I know they are having sex but I am not ready for them to share a room on sleepovers and her parents feel the same but they get time together as I am out working

I guess if still together when they are 17 I shall agree

it’s seems many of my generations (early 50’s) parents were far more liberal around this than they are

They are both 16

DD is going to be 19 in a couple of weeks and has been with her BF (who is already 19) for two years. We started letting him stay over sometimes around six months ago. They always leave their door slightly ajar to demonstrate to us that they are not actually shagging - their decision :) And actually half the time I have to go in and turn Netflix off because they have fallen asleep watching tv.

DD has said to me that she feels sick at the thought of me, her DB or my DH ever hearing one single sex noise so they will never EVER do it whilst we are in the house, so sleepovers are genuinely just that. Unless we are all out/away in which case things are probs a bit more exciting for them!

Caveat to this, is that DH still struggles with this a bit but is trying to be 'modern' and suportive of what is essentially a fairly long standing and loving relationship but he still hates BF being in her bed

It is not my place to monitor his relationship and decide if it is serious enough

Actually, I think that is the role of a parent. In my DD's case, I wanted to be sure her bf wasn't pressuring her into anything. That he was kind and respected her.