To feel so offended by my in-laws - what do I do ?

[butterflywingss]

Took my in-laws to visit my home country (at their request). My family here have been very welcoming to my in-laws and have been trying to be as helpful as possible to make it a good experience despite coming from a humble background. In my culture, respect is a huge thing and my family here wanted to arrange a dinner as a goodbye to my in-laws and also spend some time with them (no more than maybe 2 hours if that). However, my in laws have a very rude attitude in my eyes and don't want to make an effort at least for my sake, given I am always very respectful to their family. My DH has also been heavily disappointed me at all costs with this and now I am in a difficult position. My family will see it as a form of disrespect and lack of effort to not spare literally 1-2 hours and my in laws when I bring it up are very much changing convo as if it's nothing. Not to shit on their culture, but it's so clear to me now how cold they can be. What do I do ?? What excuse could I use to my family as I really don't want them to have a bad perception of my in laws either ?

I would just be very honest and explain to your family that your family cultures are completely different. Your in-laws don’t see it as disrespectful to want to go and do something else therefore they don’t mean any disrespect to your family .

I would speak to your in-laws and suggest even a short meal and try explain how important it is to your family.

It is difficult to understand what the problem is from your description. Can you explain in a bit more detail please

say it to them straight in front of your dh.

"in laws, my parents are inviting you to a goodbye dinner on X day before you go home. I really hope you accept as this is important to my parents"

If they refuse, then don't ever bring them to your home country again and tell your parents it isn't their problem- it is your in laws. Unfortunately they don't understand the customs of the country and are a bit thick.

Thing is, they literally have nothing to do as I have organised everything and it's their last day so they will just be lounging around anyway. Difficulty is, I can't even explain to my family how they are because they also won't understand and will just see them as unwelcoming and rude people and naturally I am married into this family so I don't want them to think bad of them either. I did speak to my husband over dinner with them there but the room went quiet and then they joked about how my DH is in trouble when we go home etc.

I am honestly thinking to say they are unwell and decided to stay in, but I feel bad because my family don't have money like that and are going through effort with what they have to welcome them and they can't make an effort or see the effort. I've never had the ick more than now.

Have you been married long? His parents don’t sound very nice.

Honestly, I don't think I want to again. They have complimented my country and the things they did but have been making comments about how we are as people as how we come across etc and they now understand why I am how I am (what the heck does that even mean...my country is underdeveloped and people live in poverty not sure what reactions they were expecting tbh ..

We have but now I am understanding more than ever where my DH gets some of his characteristics from. My family are kind people and always try to make him feel welcome but he intentionally keeps himself reserved and intentionally makes himself an outsider. We have many fights about these kinds of things...

I understand you getting the ick. A similar thing happened to me recently with my inlaws and when it becomes a reflection of your husband's attitude too its a massive turn off.

You need an honest discussion about your feelings re your in-laws with your husband. They seem to have made an effort to come all the way to your country so they must be somewhat interested in you, but they need to have some cultural awareness and that is your husband's job to teach them, not yours.

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful and embarrassing this is for your family and you. I'm a regular visitor to a very much poorer country where hospitality is important, and I always make sure that I'm a thoughtful and responsive guest, even though I'm naturally shy.

What's your in-laws' (and presumably your husband's) reason for not accepting the invitation?

I have tried and my DH knows very well but chooses to ignore. When my DH shows a lack of empathy for the effort and respect given, then his family has an excuse to follow on. They are the kind of people who stay sitting down and shake your hand from the couch (massive disrespect in my culture). I really think they have a massive lack of awareness and I am genuinely stuck.

It's very hurtful and massively embarrassing!
It's not even a valid reason, simply because they want to/ can't be bothered/ don't care enough and honestly lack to see the effort of someone poorer offering their hospitality. I could never do that to my DH family! I am always very respectful to his whole family and make sure whenever they come to my house I provide the utmost respect and hospitality (how I was raised). I have tried to tell my family not to worry and to please not spend and go through all that effort but they just keep insisting as a form of respect. I am actually stressed about this.

" They are the kind of people who stay sitting down and shake your hand from the couch (massive disrespect in my culture)."

I think that's rude in any culture, surely? Sorry, they just sound really ignorant and I'm appalled for you and your family.

Stop making excuses for these people to your family. Your in-laws are rude, end of conversation, and you are not responsible for that.

It sounds like you should be reevaluating your marriage, honestly. Life is too short.

Stop making excuses for these people to your family. Your in-laws are rude, end of conversation, and you are not responsible for that.

It sounds like you should be reevaluating your marriage, honestly.
Life is too short.

^This.

they also won't understand and will just see them as unwelcoming and rude people

But it sounds as if your in-laws are rude. It's sad when you realise someone you know doesn't hold the same standards you hold dear.

Some people see welcoming, highly respectful behaviour in a strange way - they perceive those behaving highly respectfully as lesser than themselves and therefore not worthy of mutual respect. That they are being treated so respectfully because they are better than the people being respectful.

You sound like a very respectful person who is quiet is her demeanour, so maybe what I am about to suggest would be uncomfortable for you. My suggestion is you explain to your DH & in-laws that their refusal to join your parents for a farewell meal is the height of disrespect not only to your parents but also to you. That you can't make them attend the meal but you take this refusal very personally and you are disappointed in them. Leave it there - you will have said your piece.

Only you can decide on this however in your place I would be considering my approach towards them in future.

With regards to your parents, all you can say if that you acknowledge they are being disrespected and that you are mortified by your in-laws poor behaviour.

Is it possible his parents feel uncomfortable about a fuss being made and money being spent on them, especially as your family aren’t as well-off financially?
Saying they’re cold because of their culture is just making the same type of judgments you’re accusing them of doing tbh.

Saying they’re cold because of their culture is just making the same type of judgments you’re accusing them of doing tbh.

This. If your DH and his family are British, they're not being cold because of their culture. They're cold and rude because that's their personality.

Are you sure it’s being done out of disrespect? It’s difficult to navigate cultural differences, especially if the cultures are far apart. It’s generally helpful to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they mean well. Be aware of your own cultural expectations and judgements. As much as possible, be clear and explicit with your DH. You need to
“translate“ culture as much as you would translate a language.

I don’t know which cultures you and your DH are from. But the same actions could be interpreted in exactly the opposite way in different cultures. For example, it might be seen as rude or tactless to “impose” on someone who is much poorer. They might feel they are doing the right thing by refusing the invitation, so that your family don’t have to go to the expense of hosting.

Maybe they don’t appreciate and fully understand how much more important communal aspects are in your culture compared to their own… perhaps they struggle with unfamiliar food… do you think any of this could explain their behaviour?

It appears they have made the effort and presumably gone to some expense to visit your home country. It would seem a bit strange to do that only to deliberately offend and disrespect your family?

What I’m trying is say, they may lack cultural awareness but not be intentionally rude.

It’s tricky to navigate, and you will need clear and open communication with your DH. It’s more likely to work if you start from a position of assuming the best. Good luck!

I don’t even think you need the cultural difference to see how offensive this is. If my in laws were in town and I asked them to come over for dinner on the last night of their visit and they simply said “Nah, would prefer to be on our own” I would find that pretty bizarre and rude.

What I mean is—I don’t even know that this is about cultural awareness. More just rude and cold people

Your in-laws sound rude and selfish and I think you should speak to your DH and be very upfront about what missing this small act of hospitality would mean for the way your family views him and his family moving forward. However, if that doesn’t work, you need to be honest with your family. You don’t want them to go to any unnecessary expense when you know that they are not going to attend. Your family also needs to take on board that not all cultures are the same and sometimes allowing people to determine their own activities is the most respectful and hospitable thing they can do. It may be that your family has seen this trip as a way to bond with your in-laws, whereas your in-laws have seen it as merely a holiday and don’t see obligatory events as necessary when they just want to pack and make sure that they are sorted for the journey home.

This.

Is it a problem with food? I know someone who did the same and when tackled about it afterwards, they admitted they hated the local food and wanted to stay in their American hotel.

Tell your in laws that they must go to the dinner and your family has put in a lot of effort.

Oh boy, I’m probably going to be roasted for this but here goes anyway.

I’m Indian & have this problem with my own extended family whenever I visit as they also want to cook a goodbye meal just before I leave.

The thing is, I have a very sensitive digestive system (IBD & IBS) & to be blunt, I always end up with the shits after eating their food which is not ideal with a long haul flight the next day.

They make all of my favourite dishes however something just doesn’t agree with me be it specific ingredients, the water used (straight from the tap) or maybe the actual food preparation / food storage (food hygiene & refrigeration standards are different there). It’s not unique to just their food either, I also have the same problem with street food & the authentic restaurants that cater for the locals which they can eat in no problem (I suppose their digestive systems are used to it) but I struggle with.

Could it possibly be something like that worrying them & they just don’t want to tell you?

No doubt my family think I’m rude too but I just can’t take the risk of having diarrhoea on a long haul flight.

You do have to raise this again, explain that it would be upsetting for you if they didn't go (at least DH needs absolutely telling he really must go) maybe ask your family to scale back the food so it is just pop in for snack and greetings /goodbyes. This in turn would be cheaper for them too, your family may shrug and think it is odd but hopefully not too rude. Can you tell your family that the hotel has planned a meal? Talk to in laws and if after explaining how important it is to you they say no, even to couple of hours, then you know for sure how rude they are.
you and your DH must go though.
it is true that there are some UK cultures that do not host, do not see the rudeness, but saying that, if pointed out to them then they should do it for you