To feel so offended by my in-laws - what do I do ?

[butterflywingss]

Took my in-laws to visit my home country (at their request). My family here have been very welcoming to my in-laws and have been trying to be as helpful as possible to make it a good experience despite coming from a humble background. In my culture, respect is a huge thing and my family here wanted to arrange a dinner as a goodbye to my in-laws and also spend some time with them (no more than maybe 2 hours if that). However, my in laws have a very rude attitude in my eyes and don't want to make an effort at least for my sake, given I am always very respectful to their family. My DH has also been heavily disappointed me at all costs with this and now I am in a difficult position. My family will see it as a form of disrespect and lack of effort to not spare literally 1-2 hours and my in laws when I bring it up are very much changing convo as if it's nothing. Not to shit on their culture, but it's so clear to me now how cold they can be. What do I do ?? What excuse could I use to my family as I really don't want them to have a bad perception of my in laws either ?

Many responses will just type it here..

To answer a few of the same posts, they're not from an English culture. They have shown many characteristics that for majority cultures are seen as disrespectful. The whole point of requesting to come to my country, wasn't even about getting to know my culture, it was because they wanted to celebrate the grandchild's birthday and it was MUCH cheaper for them all compared to other places. I was actually against this whole idea of them coming because I know what they are like and I was worried about this exact thing. I had expressed to my DH I am not comfortable tbh as I will end up feeling the pressure over situations exactly like this but they decided to go ahead and book anyway.

It is not a matter of them feeling bad because they are less fortunate, it's literally because they don't feel the need to make an effort and see nothing wrong with it. I also understand other people's food may not be that appealing to others, and my DH has this exact problem. I did suggest to my family to not make anything, and I can take us all to a restaurant but they are also adamant to invite and do something for them. Again putting me under pressure.

They have made me question so much more about them during this trip, from the comments and actions they have had since they have come. Upright offensive and disrespectful.

I do feel for you.

My m'n'law would ask to come with us back to visit my home town Australia - all my poor mum would wanted to do is have a coffee with her in the 2-3 weeks she was there because my mum sees my m'n'law as my family in the UK. My m'n'law would always come up with excuses which basically meant by the end of the holiday my husband was putting pressure on his mum to see my mum for 20mins on the last day.

Quite frankly, I would just apologise to your parents and say unfortunately your parents'n'law are rude people and you have tried but they won't do it - and I think its OK for your parents to be offended and think they are rude....because they are. But tell them you love them and you will look forward to you and your children spending your last night in your home country with them.

This is so awkward. I do feel for you as they don't sound very nice people at all.

It seems to me that you have nothing to lose by being quite blunt and saying 'look, I've brought you here at your request and entertained you and you have to come to this meal as otherwise you'll be disrespecting my family and me. And that's not ok'. I would then go to the family meal and insist my dh and dc's do too. If they still choose not to come that would be the end of any efforts I made to help or include them. I would do what the folks on here call 'grey rock' and I would also be reevaluating why my DP is so spineless as to not stand up for you and your family.

Good luck, and when they show you who they are, believe them.

I thought exactly the same thing! The food/cleanliness standards/long haul flight home with a gippy tummy…

In that case just turn down the food but make another suggestion for a farewell event ?

You need to explain to your husband why this is so important and let him talk to his parents. He needs to start taking responsibility for managing his parents inappropriate behaviour so you’re not stressed by it.

Agree. I'd have massive ick from this.

Have you explained the situation very clearly to your in laws? Are you absolutely sure they understand? If so, they are just rude and horrible. And if you dh is the same, it's time to re evaluate your marriage, I suspect

I did speak to my husband over dinner with them there but the room went quiet and then they joked about how my DH is in trouble when we go home etc.

I don’t really understand this-what did you actually say?

I think this is about rudeness and not culture.

Your in laws specifically asked to go yet when they arrive point blank refuse to fit in. They're not in a hotel but being hosted by a family, moreover their son's in laws. Any decent person would have made the effort.

Whatever you do, NEVER invite them back and seriously reconsider your future in that family. You are already having rows so I suspect that the future is not bright.

And apologise to your family for their rudeness, despite it not being your fault, because they certainly won't and your parents deserve one.

I'd just be honest with both sides - his family are simply rude people, nothing to do with "culture".

If your DH can't see what's wrong with their behaviour I'd be rethinking my marriage as well.

I can't believe your husband has not had your back with this throughout their stay.

Saying things like that's why you're the way you are and then being disrespectful of a hosting culture, on a trip they requested to get to know your family better.

He's just as bad as they are.

Hosting is one way many cultures show love and appreciation and bonding, and your husband should be having a frank word with them about how they've come to your home country and they're being very disrespectful of your customs.

Frankly I'd be reconsidering this relationship if my husband couldn't do that because he is also being very disrespectful of your family.

So basically it’s a farewell dinner your family wish to host and your in-laws declined the invite? How much time have they spent with your family over the trip?

tbh I don't think your pil or dh issues are cultural. they just have no manners! they sound awful.... and maybe a bit racist

you can ignore your pil but need to have a blunt convo with your DH

OP, why are you with your husband? If you haven't had children, then rethink your situation.
They sound completely uncouth as does your husband.
It was a mistake to bring them to your country when they clearly have form.
You shouldn't have been surprised.
Your husband is exactly like his parents, so of course he sees nothing wrong with being rude and disrespectful.
You deserve better and your kind family do too.
Are you kind and respectful of his family?
It reads as if they look down on you?
Will you be expected to be a carer for them?
Accept you have chosen poorly in your husband and his family and rethink your situation.
I would be apologising to your family and I would be avoiding them going forward.
I would have the ICK for your husband too.

I was going to say I'm English and married someone from another culture and I would have gone to the meal and so would others I know, but see they're not English.

That’s the way it’s written yes, as this is how the op feels.

but,,,,this is their holiday, not just a homage to her family. And it depends on how much time they have already spent with them, another dinner maybe just a step too far for them on their last night.

I'm with the PP who say that this is NOT cultural - your in laws are just behaving very rudely. Your DH can't see that because those are the standards he's been brought up with. But by framing it as a "in my culture" you are giving him an easy get out of jail free card by making it seem like this is just some odd peculiar thing in your culture that doesn't otherwise matter. Whereas as this thread shows their behaviour would actually be seen pretty much universally as very rude.

What would happen if you told your DH that you should put the question to some trusted friends or work colleagues and get an objective third party view of whether their behaviour is ok? If he's horrified and says so way, you can point out to him that that shows that deep down he does know how badly his parents are behaving.

Hey Dh, one dinner is not too much to ask. If they can’t do that then I will return their complete lack of respect, I plan to never ever go out of my way for them again. I suggest you try and talk them into it because I don’t plan to change my mind on this, for far too long I’ve been the only one putting effort in and now I won’t be.

How did you not see this side of him before marriage? Did you not see it as a red flag that he had no interest in/respect for your culture or background?

Sure, but to be honest what kind of people would fly to their daughter in laws country and then not want to eat/refuse to eat with their daughter in laws parents? They’re arseholes. The bigger issue is that the DH doesn’t sound much better and has zero respect for his wife by the sound of things

Horrible situation, OP. No advice but just wanted to send supportive vibe. You are the bridge for communication between the families - unfortunately as your DH will not step up - so if any explanations are going to happen, it will be you who needs to do it. Perhaps clear communication to your inlaws about expectations and cultural differences is what is needed?

They sound like ignorant, ill educated people. Anyone with any class and half a brain would understand the social nuances in all of this. I think you have married beneath you and maybe you should re-evaluate your life.

Have you been really clear with your husband - have you said:
'Please, this is really important to my parents and so really important to me, we have to go to this meal and you need to help me to persuade your parents to come too'
If your husband won't help you with this when you are 100% clear about what you need from him then I can understand why you wouldn't see him in the same light.

Wow. Classy.